Feeling bad for showing annoyance with SD...
For those of you who don't know my story, we have SD7 full-time and I have a son with my husband who is 17-months old. SD sees her BM in the summer and holidays. She's close with my husband, and despite the distance, she loves her mom. She does call me "mom" but I think it's more out of wanting a mother and not really having one nearby. We have an okay relationship and I try to treat the kids equally. I do show more affection to my son, but I can't help that. Aside from that, I try to have one-on-one time with her and I care about her.
My husband has my back and I have no reason to disengage per say, but I'm finding myself feeling really guilty for how often I'm clearly annoyed with her. My husband is gone for the weekend on a trip I planned for him. He's a SAHD for the past few months because we're not ready for daycare and it just made the most sense. Today, SD was making comments that really rubbed me the wrong way.
I was playing with my son and said something about how he looks dumb (he had a bucket on his head or something) and SD said "you can't say bad words to him, that's not okay." and I brushed it off and told her I'm just playing with him. Later, she said "you know you'll have to teach him not to open the door when he's older or he'll run away." so again, I brushed it off. Another comment "don't you know he shouldn't be eating that?" when he had a cookie after eating all his dinner.
She continued with minor remarks about my parenting all night. At one point, I was in his room with him putting his PJs on and he started crying (teething) and she ran over, knocked on the door, and said "what's happening? is my brother okay?" as if I was, idk, hurting him or something? Maybe I'm overthinking but the remarks about my parenting had me REALLY annoyed with her all night. And I know I was short with her. And I'm not short with my own son. I finally told her to stop making remarks about the way I parent because it's not needed.
A while ago, she went through a similar phase but more focused on making me feel like my son loved me least in the family. It was strange. She would say things like "he smiles most at daddy and I" or "do you know he says dadda more than mama" and stuff like that. I mean, I know it's not true and I'm not worried about that - my son clearly is ridiculously attached to me, but the insinuation bothers me and I was short with her during that phase too.
I just can't help but feel guilty. I wish I had the same patience for her. I really do. And I'm sure a lot of the things she does wouldn't be annoying if I had that unconditional love and biological connection with her. Anyone else can't help but show annoyance sometimes? How do I stop? I really do feel for her but damn, she rubs me the wrong way SO OFTEN.