I don't think it's appropriate but it's what your DH allows. Have you told him it is annoying you and asked him not to be so willing to listen to her venting?

When BM over here use to try to talk to DH about her life, he shut that down real quick. He is not her freind, lover, or shrink.

I would ask your husband why he enjoys these kinds of conversations with his ex.

This is up to you two to decide. Personally I find it HIGHLY inappropriate. (Particularly on the terms and for the reasons they parted...). So when Bm continually kept trying to call with sob stories I set a firm stipulation that I was NOT okay with that in any way shape or form. And that she has her own fmaily and bf if she wants to vent, but my husband is off limits. DH has a big heart, but he saw where I was coming from. They don't have a relationship beyond co-parenting (not even that really now) so BM doesn't get to play the sob story game. If it doesn't DIRECTLY involve the skids and isn't absolutely necessary, then neither DH or I see any reason for contact.

BM has never bother us with this, but it is exactly what my SD57 did and still does.  When she visits DH, they exchanged small talk and then the entire visit turned to talking and demeaning BM.  After 30+ years of listening to the same stories over and over, I finally said "no more".  If you want to gossip, do it when I'm not present.  It is pathetic.  All it did for me; it explained that BM was not totally the blame for the results of DH's failed marriage and narcissistic grown stepkids.  It is not appropriate. I have defended BM several conversations with "she's not here to defend herself".  I do not know BM well and have never had to directly deal with this woman; but I see where DH and his DD have gaslighted BM many times, thru the gossip game.  

This is inappropriate. His ex confiding in him is a big no no for obvious reasons and will drive a wedge within your realtionship if you give it time. Besides who wants to hear about her and her family and her problems? I wouldnt. I guess the ex doesnt understand what divorce means? She either must be slow or he is leading her on intentionally.

NOT appropriate. If they're so buddy-buddy that they confide in one another, why did they divorce? Your DH needs to shut this down and BM needs to vent to her FRIENDS.

Ours ups the nonsense when she's single.  Yay!  Which incidentally just goes to show it's not really about the kids, the parenting relationship, anything other than BMs "needs."

SO is a chicken.  He shuts it down but passively.  She hasn't gotten too deep with any of it yet but he's definitely setting a bad precedent that will probably blow up in his face down the line.  He's going to have to stand up and be a big boy next time she wants an audience to indulge her.  It's few and far between that she does it but once is more than enough.

"But it affects the kids."  Ha! Every ounce of your crazy affects those kids, woman.  

When I first met my DH, BM was calling him daily to either vent about her life or take out her frustrations on him. She would rarely share any information about the children, other than making demands for more money. Once I was even with DH and she texted him "call me ASAP!". He called and she just started making small talk, like they were two friends just having a chat. A couple of things to note: 1) she has been remarried since I've known DH - in fact, she kicked DH out because she decided she wanted a divorce and then her new man moved in, with his child, four months later; 2) she was abusive to DH all throughout their marriage, so it's not like they were happy once and just grew apart. 

As soon as I realized the extent of the issue, I told DH that I was not interested in being a relationship with a man who was still serving as an emotional outlet for his ex wife. He stopped taking her calls pretty quickly. 

I think many divorced people with children have a hard time letting go of the emotional entanglements from their marriages, because they never have a chance to fully break apart, due to the children. My friends who are divorced and never had children, don't speak to their spouses daily, some don't even know where their spouses are and don't care, either. They accepted that the marriage broke up and they move on. Just like you would with a long-term boyfriend or girlfriend. 

I think many people - especially many women - use children as an excuse to maintain the personal support (financial, emotional, around the house) that they were receiving themselves in the marriage, which essentially means they are staying psychologically married to that person. It doesn't help that our legal system assumes that someone should be responsible for also supporting their ex spouse if there are children involved, thereby maintaining a financial and legal connection, long after the marriage has been legally dissolved. 

BM does this as well, and she is sneaky about it, she will start the conversation off about SS, because that is the only thing she is allowed to contact FH about, and I can always tell when it's coming because the text will be unneeded, she will ask if drop off is still at such-and-such time (which it ALWAYS is) when FH responds "yes" the messages start.....her foot is infected, there is a mouse in her bedroom, her mother or father is sick, she got fired, her other kids from a previous marriage need therapy, the list goes on and on and on. 

If its not something like that then she has to get the last word in, last night she messaged because we are expecting snow today and school might close early, this is not new for us, but she still texted asking what the "plan" was if SS gets out early or if school is canceled, he replied, just being factual. Think she can leave it at that? Nope, she has to repond "okay", he ignores her. A few minutes later *ding* new text "thank you", he ignores that one too. A few minutes later *ding* "enjoy your evening", he ignores that one too.

Why does she have to be so annoying??????

Coco72 - reading this totally made me laugh, because the BM in my life does the same thing. He picks the kids up at the same time for every visitation weekend, but like clock-work, either the day before or day of, she'll text him to say "when are you picking the kids up?" or "are you picking them up at six?" If he ignores her, she has one of the kids text to ask. If it were me, I'd reply and say, "same time I always do and stop asking me!" 

She'll also start by sending one text and if he sends any sort of a reply, even an "Ok", she responds with a stream of texts. Her record is texting him repeatedly over a span of four hours. I've "encouraged" DH to never reply right away to her texts, because he knows she's just sitting there waitng for a response. 

When she's really trying to get his attention, she will say "you're just not responding / not agreeing with me because you hate me!" Kind of like a 17 year old responding to her mom during an argument.  

I now tease DH and tell him that she just wants to know that he's still thinking about her. When I hear the noise for her text, I will joking saying to DH that the latest text says, "do you still love me?" or "why don't you still love me?"

The BM in my life is remarried, so not sure why she needs so much attention, but really desperation is so unbecoming. 

Once BM practically threw herself into the car window her breasts nearly popped out of her top, she wanted DH to know that her BF proposed, I gave her a thorouhly disgusted face, and said with a very disgusted tone, "that's nice". and basically shooed her away from out of my window. I nearly barfed, she is so disgusting.

This could be "throw back" behaviour. It could be that BM is used to leaning on DH, for support, for a chin wag, to confide in as this was the person she turned to at one time. It is almost a reflex type of behaviour. However, this is what happened in their marriage and the boundaries have changed/moved. They are different now and to me it is inappropriate. They probably are falling into old pattern behaviour.

If it bothers you talk to your DH. If it doesnt, still talk to your DH. This is not appropriate and BM needs to find a new and different pair of ears. There is an intimacy in telling people your secrets, opinions and observations - this is not something that needs to exist between DH and his ex. Time for her to move on.