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Dating and remarriage

NachoQueen's picture

I met my DH soon after I began dating. Adult dating... now that's another blog in itself huh? He was awesome. Very successful, divorced 4 years (I had been divorced just under one year) he was funny, responsible, caring, all the things I knew a husband should be. If I had a wishlist of 'must haves'.. I honeslty wouldn't have even thought of some of the qualities to add to that list that he possessed because the odds of finding it would be astronomical. His 3 kids were close to my kids ages except one of them was 6 or 7 at the time. Over our 'falling in love' phase, we talked about all the things our exes did that contributed to the demise of our marriages, all the ways we wanted to be better people, better spouses, feeling blessed that we may have found our second chance at the great life we had imagined. He confided in me that he had cheated and that was the reason for his divorce. I didn't like that idea but I honestly do believe people can change and he was an open book to me with passwords, phones, etc. The only reason I feel that I even considered marrying him was because he admited to me that things weren't so bad in his marriage that he had needed to leave, like if he could do it over he wouldn't have left, he would have stayed and fought but it wasn't an option in his head because he couldn't face her every day. That was pretty powerful. Here was someone who had himself had a very long-term marriage and knew what a marriage looks like, learned a valuable lesson and wanted to have another chance at it with me. It was somehow the perfect fit for me because I already knew my ex was a good man who regretted leaving our family so I knew this circumstance was absolutely possible. 

We married in 2011. Ours is such a love story, my husband is everything I ever dreamed of. Even though I never would have initiated leaving my first husband, I can honeslty say that my second husband is a much better match for me. (If that makes sense). I also believe with all my heart that his indescretion with his first wife was a one-time lesson. He has told me many times over the years that having my trust is one of the things he values the most and knowing he is being true to me gives him such pride. (almost like a re-do in life). I can honeslty say there is no sign of him ever wanting or trying to cheat. He is completely devoted to me almost 8 years later now.

For me too. This marriage in my head rights a wrong! I can't stop thinking that I was a good, loving, supportive wife and mother in my first marriage. I followed all the rules society dictates, I had dinner parties, family event, we travelled, laughed, had beautiful children, sad times, happy times, we worked hard to buy a house together. All the things one is supposed to do and my ex threw it all away because I was boring, predictable, etc.. (for the record so was he; but its what I expected and agreed to when I got married so many years ago) and someone else came along and helped convince him I was disposible. (Not at all absolving him of any responsibility.. but it is much easier to leave if someone else is in the wings).

Early in our marriage I wanted the 'hurry and blend" family. I wanted us to be the Brady Bunch. I had 3 he had 3, it made sense. I wanted to have that happily ever after that my ex stole from me. There was only one of our children who wasn't buying in, that was his daughter. She was 16 or so at the time. I wrote it off because my DH told me that she was always a difficult child. He once told me that he knew deep in his heart that irrespective of the divorce she was going to be trouble for them. This helped me to think that it wasn't me or the divorce/remarriage that bothered her, whe was just not an easy going person.. don't take it personal NachoQueen!! I told myself. Even when he and I dated he'd tell me that on his weekends she would lock herself in her room and not come out.

Newly married she heard him call me "Babe" and she yelled at him not to call me Babe. It kind of surprised me. My own children were pretty happy that I was happy. I just didn't have any difficult children and didn't have experience in how to handle this. I was strict, there were standards, I said what I meant and I meant what I said. My kids always did chores, homework, got good grades and were headed in good directions. There were other clues... she would get upset if we went on a trip together. (like she should also go), at my wedding I knocked at her door to see her in her dress and her hair and she said, "I want to make an entrance". I said "at my wedding.. sorry kiddo, I make the entrance and I see my bridesmaids beforehand".