Ex & Kids Meeting New BF
Hi
I'm just looking for some more opinions on this. I've had plenty but I'd like aa bit more.
What are your thoughts.
I've recently discovered that my ex introduced a new BF to my kids. From what I gather they knew he had stayed over and new he had come from upstairs/the bedroom. No problem with her having a new BF, this was inevitable BUT.
Basically 3 months after I leave, when I feel they are still upset, confused, hurting, she introduces a new bloke.
I know I am possible projecting my feelings on to the situation but...
1. I would never introduce a woman into their lives so soon.
2. I would never want my kids to think I am replacing her so soon.#
3. We have 50% custody each, so I/She has plenty of time to be discreet.
Looking for general thoughts. I've posted on another forum and mostly it's not good, but some say otherwise. I've flitted between not okay, to none of my business, but now I just think it really isn't okay and such a selfish thing to do.
Its not quite as simple
Its not as simple as right or wrong.
Personally, I think its wrong to have random BFs/GFs coming into and out of the children's lives. However, you need to realise that this isn't something you can control. Its obviously very hurtful to you but you can't stop it happening. Have you thought about some therapy to help you navigate the grief from the end of your relationship?
The RL just broke down and it
The RL just broke down and it was time for me to leave, shoul dhave done it years before it got so messy, but financial reasons and not wanting to leave my kids.
It has been a huge shift and I am on the mend but then this came up. Not going to lie and say it wasn't a little blow, inevitable one but for me it's the fact that it was so soon after. I just wonder what the hell she was thinking and why she thought it would be okay when their dad had just left and there was a lot of instability going on with different things. My son also lost his sister as she went off to baording school and they are so close.
My son has been bursting into tears at school because he's not spending enough time with the mum, she works, I understand that but she could have changed her shifts. He's even said he likes coming to mine because I play with them and mum doesn't, she too busy on her phone excuses excuses. I've just found out he burst into tears the other day because he misses his sister and my daughter was homesick after the half term. Might be disconnected but a few days before they let slip about boyfriend. My daughter went shhhhh to my son, so not sure if they've been told not to say anything or if they are protecting me. They are 10 and 12.
I don't think it's a good
I don't think it's a good idea to introduce a new bf so soon but the problem is that she has every right to do so on her time ...
You clearly don't like how she is parenting but there's not much you can do about that either. Wht does your custody order look like? Do you have 50-50? Does your ex have decision-making rights or do you share? Whose decision was it to send your daughter to boarding school and why? Didn't your ex work while you were still together? What kind of shift change do you expect your ex to make? Have you considered therapy for your son?
Finally, being homesick when away from home for the first time is perfectly normal. Most kids in this situation get over it.
So here's the thing. I am not
So here's the thing. I am not at all bothered with her seeing someone. I am bothered by the way she has gone about it. My daughter tried to shhoooooosh my son when he kinda slipped up about him.
Now. If it was me. I would let my ex know if I had started seeing a women and it was getting to about a year in. I would let her knoe first and I would let her know that I am going to introduce the kids to her. I would tell my kids that their mum also knows so that they don't feel like they have to hide things from her.
That's basically the problem I have with this entire situation. One, too soon personally and two I was blindsided which she probably wanted. Communication with her has always been a nightmare and communication is still a nightmare with her. I am just trying to communicate as much as I can. I would never do the reverse. She would be absolutely livid but she wouldn't say anything because she bottles up all her crap and pretends she is fine.
The kids literally have hidden it, I don't want that for them, I want to be able to talk about this new man in front of them, I want them to be able to do that too, so it's just normal. As it stands I feel they are protecting me and they can't mention his name. I don't think that is good for anyone.
your daughter likely was
your daughter likely was worried that it might hurt your feelings or upset you to hear she was dating.. which isn't entirely untrue.
Your kids are old enough to understand dating and relationships a little bit. It would be more concerning if it were much younger children that might get confused. Your kids likely understand and it might be upsetting.. but it would likely be that way.. no matter how much time had passed. Perhaps.. the silver lining.. is that they could see this as a "nail" in the coffin of their parent's relationship.. and help them realize and come to terms with the fact that you won't be reconciling.. sometimes there is pain in that realization.. but in the end.. it may help them get through it.
You can't control what your
You can't control what your ex does. The only thing you can manage is your time with your kids.
So if you don't want it to be a bad thing for them to mention, let them know? When your daughter said "shhh" you could have told her it was fine and they do not need to be secretive.
I'm not sure what you plan on talking about with your kids in regards to your exes "new man", but I would think you just mean if casually/organically he comes up, you won't make a big deal out of it.
My XW was pregnant by one of her fuck buddies when she left.
Fortunately I had not polluted my gene pool with that skank whore.
Yes, it is too soon. However, it isn't your business as long as the new dick donor is not mistreating your children.
Now is the time to track the facts and have the information compilation active so when it becomes necessary to introduce your children to those facts that they are readily at hand.
I hope that your XW's antics do not mess with the heads of your children.
Good luck.
First and foremost, it should be what's best for kids.
This is a 10 and 12 year old we are talking about. They are still at a vulnerable age and need to be protected. Especially once partner becomes an overnight visitor, a live-in, or a spouse.
Sure your ex has the right to live her life the way she chooses but she also has a responsibility to ensure her kids lives are as healthy and happy as possible. That includes fostering a good relationship with YOU - as their father.
If this guy isn't a fly-by-night then she should have let you know she is seeing someone who is now spending the night while kids are there.
She needs to up the ante on her communication skills and get in the mature adult game. She doesn't have to give you the guy's resume but some basics are needed:
"I've been seeing a man named Bob exclusively for several months now. I met him at work. FYI, I've done a background check and he has no criminal record. I just wanted you to know in case the kids bring it up."
For your part, you don't need to grill the kids for details but BE SURE to let them know that they can feel free to talk to you about Bob if they ever want to. They don't need to keep secrets about him from you. You don't have to look for ways to denigrate the guy but keep an ear out for any red flags. I think it is very troubling that mom is telling kids not to talk about things and keep it "secret" - IMO she's being very negligent and just set the stage by grooming them to keep secrets which can be dangerous.
Maybe I'm overly cautious but the BM in my situation did the exact same thing. Only she moved the guy in within weeks of my SO's departure. My SO knew NOTHING about this guy and there he was living with his minor children.
Later, after the kids got older and BM broke up with the guy, we found out all kinds of weird crap he was doing in the house. Very concerning...
Also you said, "My son has been bursting into tears at school ..." which is an indicator that there is something wrong and I would be concerned about that. I suggest you contact the school (if you haven't already) and talk to them about his homelife situation.
Sadly, none of that is likely addressable.
You are entirely right.
But there isn't much the other parent can do about it.
No desire to know anything
No desire to know anything about him, If I ask the kids what they did on the weekend, I want them to be comfortable saying we went here with mum and new bf. I've already told them that it's coold and mum will have a BF I'll have a GF, and they can talk about him if they want. I'm not going to pry because I don't want them to feel uncomfortable. I just want it to be normal thing if they mention his name or anyones name for that instance.
She has the right to do whatever she wants. I am just annoyed about the way she's gone about it. I would have done it very differently for the kids. It might have felt like I was rubbing her nose in it, but it would have been the right thing to do, to let her know, the kids know, so the kids don't feel they have to keep quiet.
I don't want to be overly involved with her or know her business, there are just some things I think need to be communicated because of the kids, especially 3 months after I leave, they are still processing things.
Your ex has displayed very poor judgment.
So you MUST pay attention to what she is doing as it may impact your kids.
"It’s a tragic story, and also textbook, according to Professor Kevin Browne, Director of the Centre for Forensic and Family Psychology at Nottingham University.
He warns that a small number of men are only too willing to exploit the emotional or financial needs or women as a way of working their way into the family home: in prison interviews with more than 100 paedophiles, one in five told researchers they would get access to a child by gaining the trust of the whole family first – and nearly half abused the child in the home while the mother was out.
"Single, separated and divorced mothers, especially those feeling a low sense of self-worth, need to be alert to the risks of being targeted by men with a dangerous interest in children," he says."
You've said your ex is out of the home alot. Is this man in the home with the kids when she's not there?
I suggest you give her a call and say the two of you need to talk. Go meet at a coffee shop somewhere. Tell her she has the right to live her own life but if/when there is a stranger (to you) involved and it intersects wtih the kids' lives then you should know about it. Tell her that teaching the kids to "keep secrets" about this man is very dangerous. Do some research on line and get some facts/statistics to open up her eyes.
He's not there. I doubt she
He's not there. I doubt she would leave him on her own with them yet and he lives in another city.
“I’m sorry your mother is doing this to you kids.”
"When I start dating again I will tell you and I will introduce you to the new lady before we start living together."
"You don't get to decide for me since I am the adult but I will not surprise you by having a new person in my bedroom when you are here without telling you first."
Doesn't matter what you would
Doesn't matter what you would have done or what you think she should have done. Right or wrong, good for the children or not, she felt it was appropriate to introduce her new BF to the kids. You can dislike it and disagree with it, but you have no power over what she does so long as it doesn't present a dangerous situation to the kids (and thus far, it hasn't).
What you CAN and SHOULD do is help your kids cope with the new situation. If they're hurting, get them in therapy. If they don't know how to talk to their mom about their feelings, help them find the words THEY want to express. If they're cool with the situation, be happy for them that it's not traumatizing.
Shift your focus from your ex doing something you think she shouldn't do to how you're going to help your kids cope with it. Stewing over what should have happened in your eyes doesn't help your kids.
Thanks all. Very similar /
Thanks all. Very similar / different advice but all good nonetheless.
I know I'm the odd man out
I know I'm the odd man out here, but I find nothing wrong with introducing dates to children. I think people put far to much pressure on the first meet & make it strange and awkward. I don't see the point of waiting until your serious before introducing them. I would like to know in the beginning of a relationship that the kids don't like him or in turn I can't stand the brats he raised. I would never hide a friend & if you really believe your kids don't know your dating - you're mistaken. They notice you disappearing to your room for phone calls, focused on your phone, etc. It adds an adverserial feel from the beginning - that they need to compete for your time. This is often at the expense of the SO (since they are hiding in the closet & feeling second rate) & gives the children an entitled sense of power over your relationships. I would much rather see how they interact and have a relationship form naturally,
I agree with you in relation
I agree with you in relation to older kids and teens.. like OP's kid's age.. I think they are old enough to see their parents as people...
I might be more worried if we are talking very young kids that might be confused or become attached to a date that doesn't turn out to be longer term.
Not that kids need to meet the person on the "FIRST date" necessarily.. but certainly it's probably not overly harmful for them to meet friends and dates of their parents as long as the parent is fairly sure that the person is not a danger.
I always waffle on this
I always waffle on this because I can see both sides, which ESMOD explains a bit.
On one hand, I totally agree with you. But, I've watched ET (BM) cycle guys in and out of the SKs' lives. At this point, the SKs put precisely zero effort into getting to know her new BFs, which upsets ET (not sure how the BFs feel about it). It hasn't seemingly impacted their relationships with me, but I know it has made them hesitant to want to date, have kids, get married, etc. Not the sole reason, but it adds to it.
The "right" solution is likely case-by-case. Some kids are cool with it and others have a hard time adjusting. Focusing on making sure the kids have the best outcome seems like the right approach. Doesn't mean that a kid who hates their parent dating should be appeased. It means that kids needs additional support in same way to adjust to the new situation. Kids aren't going to inherently know how to react, so parents need to help them navigate that piece, and that can happen 3 months or 3 years after the split.