You are here

Does having one of your own change things?

ltanya's picture

Just wondering what difference it made, if any, when you and your DH bring your own children into a marriage, and the option is there to have one of your own together? Did it improve your marriage? Bring you closer? Change it in any way?

Disneyfan's picture

Everyone I know who had a child to "fix" their relationship ended up a single mom.
Having a child of your own won’t change how you feel about your SD. As a matter of fact, the feelings may intensify.

NotSureAnymore's picture

I wonder and feel anxious about the same thing... as i dont have any bio kids, but my husband wants them with me and its not going to happen unless i can see that his role in his existing kids life extends beyond what he is currently doing.

I began to also see that if i was to have a bio child... is it really about my husband... to have a bond with another person that came from you... and if things change (which im sure they do) than may God help me... to learn and grow further from that.

I'm not sure what women with BK and Sk's would say...

To make things worse or better should be considered... but whether you want kids or not is more important to consider... if you do than i say go for it... you seem like the kind of person who is open to learning and growing... so just like any challenge your life may give you... having a child appears to be no different.

ltanya's picture

I'm not talking about fixing...just out of curiousity in general wondering what overall effect it had...not just between parents but between siblings.

planningMyEscape's picture

Well, we have 2 of our own, and SO has 2 from a previous marriage. It has made things worse-as he is a lot more strict and a lot harder on our 2 than he is on his own (even though the 2 we have together are both 4 and under, and his other 2 are over age 8). It's not right, and it has caused MANY arguments as I won't tolerate it. He treats the older 2 like they are saints and ours like they are brats (they are not).

branmuffin97's picture

I have three, he has one...we want one together but we are on the older side of parenthood so who knows.

My dad remarried when I was 12. So dad had the two of us(12 and 10 yo girls) and my stepmom had 2 (1yos and 2yod). When I was 15, they had one together. At that point..I was older, thought it was cool. Now that I'm older and my stepmom and I are super close and have talked about the family structure at length..especially since I walked into a step role...It was rough on my stepsiblings..and my half brother. My stepsiblings were treated much harsher by my father...his son(my 1/2bro) was treated like a king. The step kids alternated between loving this cute kid their mom had and hating my dad's golden boy. And my 1/2 brother was the odd one out. My sister and I were 18mo apart and had each other...my stepsibs were 15 mo apart and had each other...he was just...there. Things have worked out over the years now that the baby is 23...but it was rough on them. My stepmom almost left quite a few times. My stepsister accused my dad of molestation just out of pure hatred.(they've since made up...she still beats herself up over it)

I've thought about how the dynamic would change if we added one of our own to the mix. I miscarried a few months ago. I think my kids would view it as another sibling..since there are 3 of them. The baby, my 9yo son with special needs, would struggle a bit because there would be a baby taking up my time and affection. I think stepson would struggle a lot. He's his dad's one and only and my dh is a kid person. Before I miscarried, he was that insane guy that sang to my belly and made up songs about my pregnancy and arranged for me to have a daily text reminder that he loved me and our little one. Dh would be one of those cloud walking dads and I think stepson would struggle with some jealousy there...especially if our offspring were a male. Good question!

Not-the-mom's picture

Even when you don't have skids, when a married couple has a baby to "fix" the things that are wrong in a marriage, it doesn't work.

Either things are worked out BEFORE you have a baby together, or don't have a baby together.

Just my opinion, and lots of research and experience from others says this is true. Dirol

helena_brass's picture

I am curious about this myself Itanya. I love FDH and would like to have a child together in the future, but I'm not sure how that would affect the family dynamic. I know that I've heard both good and bad things about this before on this site. Some people said it brought them all closer because the baby was kind of a link between them all. More often though people say it only makes you more aware of the 'us' versus 'them' mentality in the family.

I really REALLY think it depends on your situation as it stands BEFORE you have a baby. If you are all on a good page, if respect is felt and discipline enforced, then I don't think having a baby will deteriorate anything. It may be an unexpected boost, or it may be a bit of a bump on the road that needs adjusting to, but it's probably not going to have a significant negative impact. However, if the situation is not that great--bratty kids, disney dad, interfering BM--it probably isn't going to be made better by a new child and may very well get even worse with the stresses of the new addition.

I look forward to reading from those who have experience. Thanks for asking this question!

ltanya's picture

I guess that's my big question - does it create a common bond between everyone, or is it another divider? I don't think anyone on here wants to make things worse than they may already be.

JustAnotherSM's picture

I don't think that having a baby with DH improved our relationship any, because it was already pretty good. But it did allow us to bond in a different way and share in a wonderful experience together.

Unfortunately, it had a different affect on BM who went uber-crazy when we had the baby. So what should have been an incredible time for DH and me with our new baby, was spent travelling to courts, therapists, hospitals, and special schools on behalf of SS. It put a ton of emotional and financial stress on the family and took away from our joy.

Yes, having one of your own changes things. But not always for the better

ltanya's picture

Allgirls - you bring up a really interesting point - where the Dad is sad when SD isn't there too. And true, you go from having every other weekend free to really NO weekend free. It's a big change I bet.