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Why won't DH stand up to BM? I don't get it.

ltanya's picture

I went along with my DH last Sunday to drop off SD to her BM after our visitation with her, and DH put the CS check into SD's overnight bag that she always brings with her. This is the ritual, and I saw DH put it in the bag just before she was dropped off. An hour later, he starts receiving texts saying, "You better pay me,it's due right now, come back to my house and give me the check" - we both know darn well she has it and it just trying to be difficult. DH texts her back and says he will give her another one at Thursday's visitation. Last night DH meets BM for his visitation and forgot to bring the checkbook with him - as soon as he gets out of the car BM starts with "Where's the check? Do you have the check? Give me the check...(over and over)" In the meantime, BM is holding SD and not letting her go as she cried for Daddy. DH says, "Are you withholding visitation from me?" BM says "Yes" (we all know this is a big no-no), so DH says, okay,I'm calling a deputy...and proceeds to call. Now BM flips out, calls him an a**hole, then says, "You're a real tough guy...a real MAN (sarcastically) and just went on and on. DH just stood there and took it...didn't say a word. I understand not wanting to cause a scene, but how many of you would actually sit there while someone berated and belittled you? Drives me crazy. Especially when DH, in any other circumstance with any other person, would have been livid and I have no doubt he would tear someone a new one if those remarks came from anybody else.

Disneyfan's picture

"...but how many of you would actually sit there while someone berated and belittled you?"

Not me.

I've gone off on BM several times and wouldn't think twice about doing it again.

CowGirl's picture

I fully agree with Echo. I have been there. Many times while my ExH was being an asshat while holding BD. I would stay calm, answer nicely w/o a smart a$$ remark to set him off. I was praised by my attorney for not "fighting" with my Ex in front of BD. Now that BD is 12 ... she see's those things. Not to mention i grew up with my mother being like that towards my Dad in front of me and with holding visitation from my dad. I know how it feels being the child in the situation. BUT when my ExH would call me and BD wasn't around ... i didn't tolerate his bull - i stood up for myself. To this day ... my father still has never bad mouthed my mother which he has plenty of reasons to and i fully respect him for it. I too have never bad mouthed my ex in front of my BD and never will as much as i would love too Wink

liks's picture

sounds like you DH is so over this crazy women.....she has no affect on him anymore....she doesnt even cause a response in his head either...

poor little girl to have to witness that stuff.....

I would be having a look through the check buts and statements....see whats cashed and wots not...

I would be txting or calling the psycho classless bitch bm and saying..."its quiet obvious the communication between my dh and you has completely broken down, so how about you deal with me...Ill make sure you get your checks on time and anything else you need Ill fix it....dont talk or txt my dh as you know what he is like....'

now if she says no.....then you will know for sure she is only interested in causing your DH stress and enjoying abusing him...

2nd option...

get an invoice book thats carbon so you can write everything in that which is needed. keep your copy and the other copy goes in sd onite bag for bm to read...then if she has anything to write back to you guys...she can....that way no communication required and all the important stuff for SD is in the book in the o/nite friends have started this and luv it...much better than having to face an ex and their abuse....

Auteur's picture

GG would and did. When the Behemoth (BM) came storming out of the house shortly after they broke up and jumped on him from behind, pounding his head with her fists he did NOTHING to retaliate or get her off of him (I think some of these men LIKE it)

Now on the OTHER hand, if I so much as BREATHE a negative word about the Behemoth and clan, he's ready to put his fist into my face.

I know the system is lopsided in that it will arrest a MAN a thousand times faster for domestic battery than a woman, but still. He's probably trying to stay squeaky clean in the event there's a custody battle.

ltanya's picture

Right - that's what I don't get. She goes off on him and NOTHING - I say something negative, and catch hell.

ltanya's picture

He's been putting it in the same pocket in the same bag for over a year. So there should have not been any question where it was. At any rate, he's going to go through DCSE now. I'm not even talking about getting into an argument with her - why not just, "That's enough".

liks's picture

you know its not about where the check is...its about her wanting to scream and demand with your DH.

She wants to abuse him cos she thinks she can. She wants to say...'how dare you leave me and the kids and love someone else who is blatantly obviously better in every way than me'.

irrational behaviour needs the law to step in......I think he needs to get the funds directly credited into her a/c....that should shut her up.

Jsmom's picture

You should go through the state system. That stops all of this mess. Then she can yell at them and it is deducted from his paycheck...

skylarksms's picture

Thank goodness he's decided to do income withholding through CSE. It's SO much simpler that way. Then he can just say call THEM.

helena_brass's picture

I think your DH did the right thing by not yelling back at her. I would be proud of FDH if he reacted so calmly and collectedly. FDH only yells when he YELLS, and it is very, very ugly. I know he wouldn't want his kids to see that. Maybe you should try to see it that way.

Anon2009's picture

I agree with everyone else. Start handling the CS through the state. Each state has something where you can set up an online account and pay it online, or have the state take care of it. That way, if she starts going off on you or DH like she just did, you can say, "Call the state and take it up with them." This is what we wound up doing with BM. Our stress levels decreased tremendously because of this.

RaeRae's picture

Your Dh should be recording every exchange, either on his (or your) phone, or a recording device.

liks's picture

agree with this one....^^^^^

get a diary....just enter little bits and pieces into that each nite....

I wonder if my DH knows about the state system....that would stop the bitch calling and texting him all the time....

I heard the first payment is delayed thru the state...hehehehe....cracking up at the thought... Blum 3

Dannee's picture

I am going to put this in a

You know how you can't stand to even look at BM...

Well amagine looking at her and having to talk to her too..!!

I know some can relate!