I don't think so. People with crappy parents often turn out crappy (but not always) whether the parents divorce or not. I know plenty of worthless adults who came from intact homes.
I guess it depends on what people call issues. Certainly you will find a LOT of posts on this site from nonbio step parents that I think are pretty typical of kids step or not. But, stepkids do have the unique situation of splitting time between homes and dealing with the fallout of their parent's failed marriage. Sometimes these relationships fail because one or both the parties is deficient in some way..or crazy..or narcisistic etc.. so I think kids who are born to parents like THAT will maybe even have a genetic if not nurture impact from being raised by people that probably aren't best equipped to raise them.
I think that there are plenty of bio kids that are coddled as well though and you get the same result.
Of course they do. They are dealing with a broken home. Mommy and daddy aren’t together and they don’t get the white picket fence.
But then again kids with parents who fight all the time have more issues then “normal” kids. I cower anytime someone yells because that was my home.
I have a friend who has more issues because mommy and daddy did drugs.
Another was taken from their home because mommy and daddy refused to work and never cleaned the house while allowing a bobcat to run loose. The only reason the state got involved is the bobcat got out one day.
Another has issues because mommy and daddy expect perfection and didn’t say I love you enough.
Every child has issues. It’s what and why and how do they learn to cope.
I think it depends on who the parents are. BM of my SKs is a textbook sociopath who literally will do anything to put her own needs in front of theirs. I truly believe that they would have been messed up trying to live in the "white picket fence" environment if their parents would have stayed together.....the fence would have been a barbed-wire, electric fence and they would have likley ended up more screwed up trying to navigate that jungle. They are teenagers now so they try to play two sides against the middle. I had happily married parents and still tried to do that....however, at the end of the day, I had a true foundation and conscience and worried more about being a good kid than lying and not caring - which is what I see in my situation. I believe all kids have issues, though, in one shape or form.
I agree. My BC have zero issues in the home or in school. They are responsible, functioning teens (15 and 18). My skids, however, have behavioral issues at home and at school. Their parents are enablers and pretty Disney. I am not. My kids and my DH’s kids are completely different.
I don't think it is because their parents aren't together though. I think it is because mummy (BM) loved to infantilise them so they present emotionally as much younger than they really are. This manifested in them both wanting to stay little forever and not grow up or do age appropriate things like get part time jobs or learn how to drive.
***SS17 is 18 in T minus 21 days. YAY! Can't wait for BM to try and extract some $$$ after that line in the sand. It's a cause for celebration!!!******
I am a professor at a university there is an all time high of anxiety and mental illness in our youth. There is so many things that can be the causing of the problems. I am a firm believer of building resilience and focus on being mindful. Be sympathic to it but never by an enabler of mental illness and trust me that one can be hard sometimes.
I think it’s the parents fault and not because they are a skid or kids of divorce. DD is so much better behaved than skids because DH is verbally and psychologically abusive to his kids. Yesterday he told his kid in so many words “make sure you outdo everyone”. Well that’s how he was raised too and that’s why he struggled so much as a kid. He’s a skid himself and his SM just rolls her eyes every time he’s around. He has no manners with her and he’s gross around her food.
A lot of it is the parenting. Many skids are coddled therefore do not reach age appropriate milestones. Also they are raised to be selfish children, as if the world revolves around them. Once they get older and realize this is not true the have trouble coping.
DH and BM didn't divorce until the oldest ss was 18, even before then ss33 had issues. Apparently BM played favorites and just didn't like ss33 much when he was younger. BM favored the youngest and abused the oldest physically and emotionally. In my own family I was (unknowingly) a step child but my younger brother the favored prince is the one who lost his mind to drugs and is in prison now.
I think that yes skids have more issues to navigate due to livng in 2 households but it can often alleviate issues if the parents are no longer fighting 24/7 or is skid is living w/the more stable parent now. An intact dysfunctional family is no piece of cake either.
I hate to say it but sometimes I wonder if this is partially because skids live in two homes - both of which likely have adults that don’t love them. I mean, hear me out... it’s gotta be weird having someone tell you “this is your stepmom/stepdad and they act with parental authority” but this person doesn’t love you. They have less patience with you than a birth parent. They invest less time and energy into you. They seem quite annoyed with you. It’s gotta be difficult.
I agree with this. I wonder if they realize their parents (at least one of them) do not love them. Think about it. If they did they wouldn't have gotten divorced in the first place but their parents (or at least one of their parents) did not love these kids enough to make it work and saw their own needs as more important than the children they created selfishly in the throws of passion. So now what is left? Likely a weekend parent who sees their kid a couple times a week and makes phone calls. And the other parent? Is using the kids as their emotional support and as an extension of themselves. Neither situation is love. Just think about it. The only one who might come close to loving these kids unselfishly is the step parent who has zero obligation to these kids but chooses to be in their lives anyways. But sadly most good, healthy, well meaning step parents are chased away for a number of reasons.
My stepdaughter has severe mental health issues and intellectual disabilities. She tells anyone and everyone I hate her, I love her half-sister (my bio daughter) more than her and she wants to live with her mom (her mom has drug issues, just got out of prison and wants nothing to do with her). I’m the one who has to spend countless hours dealing with my SD’s illness but it never seems to be enough. I know ppl like her teachers think that if i was her bio mom, I would do more. And I probably would. I really dislike my SD. I do what I have to because I don’t really have a choice. But I know she knows I don’t love her. And she knows her mom loves drugs more than her.
i know that affects her and I can try to fake it but she knows I don’t like her.
I agree with PPs that it’s all in the parenting. I’ve seen a lot of well adjusted kids from broken homes but their parents have managed to maintain a decent relationship and to successfully coparent. I think that makes all the difference. I think growing up in a high conflict situation, in an intact family or otherwise, is a recipe for creating demons.
Look at the intact Turpin family who had 12 kids. Picture perfect Disney postcard but their home life was a living Hell. Sorry but no skid I've read about on this forum has been subjected to anything like that by a step parent. The worst borderline abuse I've read about is a SM who expects skid to help do chores and keep her room clean *shocking*. As a SM myself my expectation of ss was that he have a job and contribute at the tender age of 29. I'm a monster I know.
- Many skids are from failed relationships which never should have happened and weren’t solid marriages to begin with.
- Many skids’ parents were young and less experienced. instead of becoming more experienced, more financially sound parents - their parents become part time parents and parenting with guilt and uncooperative exes.
- Some failed relationships/marriages are due to the ex having mental health, drug and/or alcohol issues. These impact the kids.
- And honestly, when skids due have mental health or drug issues I think it is dealt with differently by step parents than biological parents who are still together and there are different issues. My step daughter tells her therapists all the time she’s going to go live with her mom because she hates her dad and me. Kids in intact families don’t have some other place to go when they don’t like the rules at one parent’s home.
I don't think so. People
I don't think so. People with crappy parents often turn out crappy (but not always) whether the parents divorce or not. I know plenty of worthless adults who came from intact homes.
I guess it depends on what
I guess it depends on what people call issues. Certainly you will find a LOT of posts on this site from nonbio step parents that I think are pretty typical of kids step or not. But, stepkids do have the unique situation of splitting time between homes and dealing with the fallout of their parent's failed marriage. Sometimes these relationships fail because one or both the parties is deficient in some way..or crazy..or narcisistic etc.. so I think kids who are born to parents like THAT will maybe even have a genetic if not nurture impact from being raised by people that probably aren't best equipped to raise them.
I think that there are plenty of bio kids that are coddled as well though and you get the same result.
Of course they do. They are
Of course they do. They are dealing with a broken home. Mommy and daddy aren’t together and they don’t get the white picket fence.
But then again kids with parents who fight all the time have more issues then “normal” kids. I cower anytime someone yells because that was my home.
I have a friend who has more issues because mommy and daddy did drugs.
Another was taken from their home because mommy and daddy refused to work and never cleaned the house while allowing a bobcat to run loose. The only reason the state got involved is the bobcat got out one day.
Another has issues because mommy and daddy expect perfection and didn’t say I love you enough.
Every child has issues. It’s what and why and how do they learn to cope.
What brings you to Step Talk.
What brings you to Step Talk. I read your bio and I see that you have joined us about 1day ago.
How many skids are in your life? Or are you hear to just ask questions for a paper or book?
I think it depends on who the
I think it depends on who the parents are. BM of my SKs is a textbook sociopath who literally will do anything to put her own needs in front of theirs. I truly believe that they would have been messed up trying to live in the "white picket fence" environment if their parents would have stayed together.....the fence would have been a barbed-wire, electric fence and they would have likley ended up more screwed up trying to navigate that jungle. They are teenagers now so they try to play two sides against the middle. I had happily married parents and still tried to do that....however, at the end of the day, I had a true foundation and conscience and worried more about being a good kid than lying and not caring - which is what I see in my situation. I believe all kids have issues, though, in one shape or form.
I agree. My BC have zero
I agree. My BC have zero issues in the home or in school. They are responsible, functioning teens (15 and 18). My skids, however, have behavioral issues at home and at school. Their parents are enablers and pretty Disney. I am not. My kids and my DH’s kids are completely different.
All about the parenting!!!!
All about the parenting!!!!
Ca be split home and be fine, can be nuclear family and be an absolute wreck.
Mine certainly seem to
I don't think it is because their parents aren't together though. I think it is because mummy (BM) loved to infantilise them so they present emotionally as much younger than they really are. This manifested in them both wanting to stay little forever and not grow up or do age appropriate things like get part time jobs or learn how to drive.
***SS17 is 18 in T minus 21 days. YAY! Can't wait for BM to try and extract some $$$ after that line in the sand. It's a cause for celebration!!!******
divorce is not to blame
I am a professor at a university there is an all time high of anxiety and mental illness in our youth. There is so many things that can be the causing of the problems. I am a firm believer of building resilience and focus on being mindful. Be sympathic to it but never by an enabler of mental illness and trust me that one can be hard sometimes.
I think it’s the parents
I think it’s the parents fault and not because they are a skid or kids of divorce. DD is so much better behaved than skids because DH is verbally and psychologically abusive to his kids. Yesterday he told his kid in so many words “make sure you outdo everyone”. Well that’s how he was raised too and that’s why he struggled so much as a kid. He’s a skid himself and his SM just rolls her eyes every time he’s around. He has no manners with her and he’s gross around her food.
No, I don't think SKIDs have
No, I don't think SKIDs have more issues, but they definitely make more noise about them!
A lot of it is the parenting,
A lot of it is the parenting. Many skids are coddled therefore do not reach age appropriate milestones. Also they are raised to be selfish children, as if the world revolves around them. Once they get older and realize this is not true the have trouble coping.
Hey PWOODLSON
You asked 2 questions and received a decent amount of replies. Where did you go? Are you having step parent problems we can help you with?
I am confident someone here can lend an ear OR help you.
Do YOU think step kids have
Do YOU think step kids have more issues?
DH and BM didn't divorce
DH and BM didn't divorce until the oldest ss was 18, even before then ss33 had issues. Apparently BM played favorites and just didn't like ss33 much when he was younger. BM favored the youngest and abused the oldest physically and emotionally. In my own family I was (unknowingly) a step child but my younger brother the favored prince is the one who lost his mind to drugs and is in prison now.
I think that yes skids have more issues to navigate due to livng in 2 households but it can often alleviate issues if the parents are no longer fighting 24/7 or is skid is living w/the more stable parent now. An intact dysfunctional family is no piece of cake either.
I hate to say it but
I hate to say it but sometimes I wonder if this is partially because skids live in two homes - both of which likely have adults that don’t love them. I mean, hear me out... it’s gotta be weird having someone tell you “this is your stepmom/stepdad and they act with parental authority” but this person doesn’t love you. They have less patience with you than a birth parent. They invest less time and energy into you. They seem quite annoyed with you. It’s gotta be difficult.
I agree with this. I wonder
I agree with this. I wonder if they realize their parents (at least one of them) do not love them. Think about it. If they did they wouldn't have gotten divorced in the first place but their parents (or at least one of their parents) did not love these kids enough to make it work and saw their own needs as more important than the children they created selfishly in the throws of passion. So now what is left? Likely a weekend parent who sees their kid a couple times a week and makes phone calls. And the other parent? Is using the kids as their emotional support and as an extension of themselves. Neither situation is love. Just think about it. The only one who might come close to loving these kids unselfishly is the step parent who has zero obligation to these kids but chooses to be in their lives anyways. But sadly most good, healthy, well meaning step parents are chased away for a number of reasons.
I get this accusation a lot
My stepdaughter has severe mental health issues and intellectual disabilities. She tells anyone and everyone I hate her, I love her half-sister (my bio daughter) more than her and she wants to live with her mom (her mom has drug issues, just got out of prison and wants nothing to do with her). I’m the one who has to spend countless hours dealing with my SD’s illness but it never seems to be enough. I know ppl like her teachers think that if i was her bio mom, I would do more. And I probably would. I really dislike my SD. I do what I have to because I don’t really have a choice. But I know she knows I don’t love her. And she knows her mom loves drugs more than her.
i know that affects her and I can try to fake it but she knows I don’t like her.
I agree with PPs that it’s
I agree with PPs that it’s all in the parenting. I’ve seen a lot of well adjusted kids from broken homes but their parents have managed to maintain a decent relationship and to successfully coparent. I think that makes all the difference. I think growing up in a high conflict situation, in an intact family or otherwise, is a recipe for creating demons.
Look at the intact Turpin
Look at the intact Turpin family who had 12 kids. Picture perfect Disney postcard but their home life was a living Hell. Sorry but no skid I've read about on this forum has been subjected to anything like that by a step parent. The worst borderline abuse I've read about is a SM who expects skid to help do chores and keep her room clean *shocking*. As a SM myself my expectation of ss was that he have a job and contribute at the tender age of 29. I'm a monster I know.
Only if they have crappy
Only if they have crappy parents.
I think so
I think there’s some valid reasons:
- Many skids are from failed relationships which never should have happened and weren’t solid marriages to begin with.
- Many skids’ parents were young and less experienced. instead of becoming more experienced, more financially sound parents - their parents become part time parents and parenting with guilt and uncooperative exes.
- Some failed relationships/marriages are due to the ex having mental health, drug and/or alcohol issues. These impact the kids.
- And honestly, when skids due have mental health or drug issues I think it is dealt with differently by step parents than biological parents who are still together and there are different issues. My step daughter tells her therapists all the time she’s going to go live with her mom because she hates her dad and me. Kids in intact families don’t have some other place to go when they don’t like the rules at one parent’s home.