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OT - Baby Talk

CBCharlotte's picture

I'm just over a month away from turning 30, and I think the looming bday is making me think about the future more than normal.

People ask me pretty regularly if I want kids of my own (especially when they find out I have 4 skids LOL) and I tell them I'm not sure, and if I did, a maximum of 1. If I'm honest with myself, I think if I was married to someone else with no kids, I would definitely want kids of my own. In our current situation, it makes me anxious. It is hard enough coordinating schedules with 2 ex wives and 4 kids, let alone the obscene amount of child support. However, I also worry that if I don't, I will look back in a few years and regret, and resent DH and skids. I have an excellent very high paying career, but I also am sort of old school in that I would like to be there while my kids grow up. My mom was a SAHM and I look back and truly appreciate that. That being said, I make an excellent 6 figure income which would be very hard (and possibly impossible financially for us) to give up. Plus, I busted my butt with years of school getting a degree in Actuarial Science (sooooo much calculus and statistics) and I almost feel like that would all have been a "waste"

I am in no rush for this, but I do have to think about it. I am also BRCA positive, which is the genetic mutation for breast cancer. My mom had breast cancer at 38, and both of my grandmoms did as well (later in life though). I have an 87% chance of breast cancer and a 67% chance of ovarian cancer in my lifetime. Odds are obviously lower of getting it now, but increase every year, especially due to the fact that my mom was diagnosed so young. My doctors want me to hurry have kids if I'm going to have them, then get a mastectomy and hysterectomy. I go in every 6 months for alternating MRI and Mammo. As many of you may remember, I had to have a biopsy this year right after my 29th birthday, which was thankfully negative, but will surely be the first of many. Every 6 months when I go in, the docs want to talk about the kid thing. They don't want to pressure me, but also want me to consider this sooner rather than later.

DH will likely be starting his new job June 1st, so I wouldn't want to discuss trying for AT LEAST 6 months. What I would like from you wise ladies (and gentlemen) is: What do you wish you discussed before having kids? For example: views on spanking? view on bedtime? etc. etc. What do you wish you knew before you decided to try for kids? I'm a planner, so I'd like to explore this from all angles.

As a parent, DH is not a Disney dad. That being said, I haven't seen him in the day to day parenting of small kids since SS7 and SS6 live in Texas and we are in Philadelphia, so we only have long term care in the summer and Christmas, with intermixed weekend visits. He really adores his kids, but doesn't dismiss or excuse the bad behaviors kids sometimes have. I will say my skids are saints compared to many of yours, as are BMs. I get along excellent with BM1 and fairly well with BM2. Skids are SD17, SD14, SS7, and SS6 and I have a very close relationship with all of them.


CBCharlotte's picture

LOL true. We looked into this when I had my biopsy. I think it costs around $15,000 :jawdrop: No point in doing it just to do it, we would have them naturally (assuming I am able)

ksmom14's picture

If you don't even want to consider trying for 6 months, then let's say it will take 6 months to even get pregnant, another 9 months pregnant. Realistically you probably won't have a baby for another almost 2 years. A lot can change and be prepared for in 2 years.

I don't know that there is much to discuss at this point, unless you have a very specific view on something. As one poster commented above, a lot of things are going to change or will need to be decided on in the moment so it's hard to say how you'll feel about a specific situation right now.

If this is something you want and is important for you, talk to your DH, I'd wait for a big and see how his new job is going, and then start trying! The skids aren't going anywhere, the CS has an end date, and you seem to have a secure career. If this is something you both want, you can make it happen and I wish you the best of luck!

My DH has 3 skids (although they live primarily with us), we had an ours baby December 2015, and I'm pregnant now with a second ours baby, and I'm just under 30 too so I have a similar perspective. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat Smile

robin333's picture

The fact is she's better prepared if *something* happens. Like a divorce or death. It does happen.

Personally, I want to teach my DD that she should be an independent woman. That means supporting- or at least having the ability to support yourself. I'm oh so glad I waited until I had my career established. I returned to work after 8 weeks and ended up working an odd schedule so I could keep her at home until 2. I was lucky to have that luxury.

CB, only you know if you do or don't want kids. My advice would be to not choose not to because of the skids. If you want a kid and do not because of step life, that is a recipe for resentment.

secret's picture

while that is true... the person she's talking about stated she doesn't want to stay home all day with her kids because she doesn't have the skills nor patience to.... yet plans to teach kindy?

that's like saying you're getting a job because you don't want to wash the dishes at home, yet the job you get is that of a dishwasher.

BethAnne's picture

Babies and 5 year olds are different. Plus kids at school tend to be better behaved than they are for thier parents. Plus working at a school there will be other adults around to interact with and help teach the class. Plus you get to say goodbye to your class at 3(ish) but have to keep on parenting your kids until bedtime. There are a whole host of reasons why staying home with your kids is different to being a teacher. And probably more reasons why she chose that path than the one reason she told you.

Gimlet's picture

Huh? What does her not wanting to be a SAHM have to do with her being a good teacher?

Teaching children as a career is not the same as staying home with your own kids.

Some women are happy staying at home with kids, and some are not.

smomofone's picture

How fun! I am also turning 30 in the upcoming months. And I also get the questions all the time from everyone, when will I have kids. Except MIL she asks if I plan on having kids and that I shouldn't until SD is older so she doesn't need her dad as much(fk her right?) lol.

To be honest I have thought about it, and since I was 13 I said I don't think I ever want kids. I was always having to babysit someones child since I was 10. At parties I was the one who had to watch over all the kids, and it just really made me realize I never wanted any. I love the kids in my family but I feel they take way too much time and too much responsibility. And I like my freedom too much to feel tied down with a child. I revisited the Idea at 19 when I was with a long time BF who was older than me and wanted to settle down and have a family. I had agreed to one by age 23. Glad we split when I was 20.

SO and I do talk about the possibility and if we where to ever have a child(accidentally) what would we want for our child, rules and the upbringing. We agree on most things except him taking the kid to MIL's too often. MIL and I get along but I'd rather not be near her too much. She has a tendency to say crap that is over the top. I've heard her talk bad about BM to SD a few times and that makes me not want my own child around her too much.

But if it is my decision I wouldn't ever have children.

smomofone's picture

I know what you mean, I've thought about that myself. I don't know if I could bring myself to go through with the termination really. The "accident" would technically be a miracle but we discuss it none the less lol. Dr. says I am more likely to not be able to have children ever, I take BC for hormonal reasons as well and he protects himself when we do anything so the accident would be, all those obstacles and one still made it guess its meant to be.

moeilijk's picture

Don't let your planning streak take over too much. Things can go right, things can go wrong, things can be a surprise and you'll adapt.

I think it's a great idea to think about what you want as an individual. And what you want out of your family life. Things change when it's not just you. As they would if it were ever to be just you again.

On a parenting note, I've found that deepening a bit into your husband's character, and into your own will help. If nothing else, the way you communicate now will still be the way you communicate about a child - just now you'll talk about the kid a lot. You'll be challenged by unexpected things no matter what - it's knowing your weaknesses and your strengths, and that of your partner... and knowing how to talk about it when things are going wrong and both of you are at the end of your collective wits. Because as much joy as there can be in having a child... omg, there can be such frustration!

In my situation, I was perfectly happy living my life in Canada, then I met a cutie online who lived far, far away. As we were gettting to know each other, I advised that I wasn't sure about pursuing anything as I was not willing to move. But, once he proposed and I accepted.... it wasn't just about me anymore. Me moving overseas was the best choice for US. Not what I wanted, and I am sometimes so deeply homesick still, eight years later. But I have no regrets because it was my choice, and one I remain convinced was the right one.

Before marriage we discussed having children and thought that we would like to have one, but that we would most likely not pursue medical intervention if it didn't happen for us. About a year in, I brought it up again. DH said he wasn't sure anymore if he wanted a kid as he was very happy with life now and didn't want things to change. Ooooh, I was angry. It seemed to me like he'd changed his mind, or sold me a bill of good.... but then I reflected on it, and realized, I was happy with life of just us too. I sure didn't want to push him into having a kid. And if we weren't able to conceive naturally, we would be on the same path of no-kid anyway. I realized that if I truly wanted to have a kid, I might have to give up DH. And to trade one joy for another just didn't make sense. Another year or so passed and we decided together that we wouldn't use birth control anymore. As it happens, it took another couple of years to conceive. (And good thing we started when we did, we now know I'd started menopause very very early, at 38.)

My advice to you is... it's your life. If becoming a mother is important to you, you'll find a way. It might become important later, but you can't live your life based on what-ifs. It's like receiving an invitation - you *could* say yes to everything and run yourself ragged, you *could* say no to everything and stay home and hide, you *could* say maybe to everything and wait for a better offer.... or you go do the things that sound like fun now. Live tomorrow tomorrow.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Please do not not think you don't have to worry about ovarian cancer because you are young. I have Lynch Syndrome, which predisposes me to many different cancers including ovarian and colon. The chance for ovarian is about 40%. I had ovarian cancer when I was 35 and colon when I was 55.

The problem with ovarian cancer is there are few symptoms. I had back pain, some bloating in my abdomen, and pain during intercourse - all of which can be explained away. However, I knew something was wrong. I went to 3 doctors before I found a 4th who would listen to me. She did an ultrasound in the office on a Friday and I had surgery the next Wednesday. My tumor was as big as a grapefruit - I will never understand how the other doctors missed it. I tell my story as a warning to other women to listen to their bodies and push until they get the care they need.

You are not too young to start getting an annual ultrasound of your ovaries and a CA 125 blood test. They don't use these for routine testing of the general population, but they are used for women who are at high risk.