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Who is tired of being used?

pwoodlson's picture

Are you being used financially by your spouse? Expected to pay for your stepkids when they have two parents who are alive and well? Expected to foot the bill for their extra groceries, pay for their meals, etc. when no one pays for yours and they eat the majority of everything? Are you being used by your spouse otherwise? Expected to fix things around their home, bail them out of tough situations and babysit their kids during your free time when they have two parents who are living and well? If you are being taken advantage of by a step user raise your hand!


relationshipguru's picture

I believe I was being taken advantage of financially but not anymore thankfully. I left.

DPW's picture

No more. Early in our relationship, I offered to help pay for tuition and a few things. I learnt my lesson and never again. The skids make more than we do - we don't need to be sending them money, especially my money. 

shamds's picture

or last minute blindside me to buy gifts like handbags for his shitty daughters who are nothing but disrespectful to me. I buy groceries that my kids eat and what i make for dinner, nothing special for ss who only stayed home when on university breaks. Now he is permanently living at home i am so grateful i live in another country to him

nappisan's picture

yes i was ,, but not anymore as i ended the relationship.  My partner and his son12 lived in my house for 4 years.  My partner was building a business and worked 7 days a week ,, all his money went into his business goal while I was paying all the household bills and taking care of his demon 12yr old son.  Even though its my house , financially the bills should be shared at least but it left me so drained and feeling extremely used and taken for granted all the time.  Especially when the demon SS was a liar , manipulator , theif and just a generally spoilt little brat who would vandilise my belongings if he didnt like being told to do something.  I was never considered in the relationship,, just expected to be there for him and his son all the time.   SS had a well and able BM ,, i still had the kid more than both bio's combined!  You need to stand your ground early on ,, thats the best advice I have for you and wish i had of done it early on in the relationship.  Make plans for yourself when the kids needs to be babysat so your unavailable etc etc.  First thing is to sit down with your partner and disscuss how your feeling,, if they acknowledge what your saying , thats a good start,,,, if they dismiss your feelings ,,, end the realtionship and leave  

SeeYouNever's picture

My husband has more disposable income because he's with me. He's one of those people that likes to spend money on gifts for people he cares about. However more recently he's realized that gifts to SD go unused and she rarely acknowledges him for other holidays. She is very polite and will always thank him for gifts but her expectations are ridiculous.

Is a constant battle and resetting of boundaries because my husband will spend money until it's gone and I have to make sure that we plan for our future and provide for our child together instead of buying crap for his older daughter.

ctnmom's picture

I think, 56. I have VERY old fashioned thinking on this. There would never be a day when I would support a man financially. Now, I've been married for 37 years, we've only been married to each other. (SS is biologically DH's nephew). IF DH were to become permanetly disabled, I would of course step up and support the household. He's been a wonderful provider and I would gladly caretake him in ilness and work two jobs if I had to. Before we had our bios, we spent all or meager spending money doing for SS, after they were born and DH was out of college it was split 4 ways pretty much (3 bios). But because he stepped up to the plate as head of household, I worked part time for 26 years while I raised my kids.  Pretty recently, I went back to part time . I had a bad nervous breakdown after my brother died, and again, my DH being the wonderful MAN that he is, actully suggested I take it easy, although we still have one in college. Love that man.

Rags's picture

You and your DH are true partners.  Thank you for your great example of a marriage.

LakesideChill19's picture

My hand is raised, but it won't be much longer... Had enough of hemorrhaging money among other things.

Iamwoman's picture

I'm not being used at all.

Since I very much enjoy being alone, the idea of paying with money, dignity, or anything degrading, just to be able to say "I'm married" is ludicrous to me.

Nobody can use me, because my being, my reward for all of MY hard work (money), and my happiness are worth more than a warm body in my bed at night. 
Anyone who desires to be in my life must either make it better or at least have a neutral effect. People who don't pass that simple test are not welcome in my circle.

Merry's picture

I'm a survivor. I came into the marriage with assets, and DH with debt. I knew he wasn't "good with" money," but Lordy my love blinders were so tight over my eyes I couldn't see half the truth. DH would "borrow" money from me, never pay it back, but always had money for SS.

Couple that with DH's inability to say no to SS, who fell into addiction that DH wouldn't/couldn't see. Money flew out the door. Until one day I couldn't pay my own daughter's community college tuition, that my ex and I had amicably agreed to split.

I had a total meltdown. And I took complete responsibility for being a doormat. Then I closed my checkbook to him, and yet he came looking for a loan the next month. I wouldn't do it. He was humiliated and had to ask for a loan from his sister. His humiliation was of his own doing, and natural consequences prevailed. And that was the beginning of my recovery.

Money has been one of the big struggles in our marriage. That wasn't the last meltdown I've had over money, but we're at a pretty good spot now. I know my need for financial security, and I'll never give that up again.

Livingoutloud's picture

No, most certainly I am not being used. I'd not marry a man who'd even consider using me. Not my type of a man. And it goes both ways, I never had a desire to use a man and/or be a kept woman. I am into equal partnerships and fair treatment of all parties involved 

Rags's picture

My DW and I are a team.  Three times in our nearly 26 year marriage I have been impacted by industry downturns to the tune of a year of unemployment the first time, six months the second time and 14 months and counting during the 3rd and current time.   During those times we have lost 60-70% of our income.  Because we live modestly in relation to our usual income levels my wife's career more than supports us when I am between opportunities.

For the first 5 years of our marriage we were a single income family.  My income was our income.

For the seven years we were Expats my DW took a hiatus from her career though she did do a lot of volunteer work in all of the countries we lived in.  She was the Treasurer for the AWA in the Middle East and was the volunteer CFO for the American Language Institutes in North Africa when we lived there.

So my income was the only income for the Expat years.

I am blessed to have her.  She supports us, provides medical insurance and manages our bills and investments.  I cook, clean, and work countless hours on my career opportunity search.  I have two opportunities that are actively progressing at this time.  I am hopeful I will get at least one offer in the next week or two.

Knock on wood.

BethW's picture

Yes!! My boyfriends two boys, ages 7 & 8 are here for the whole summer. (They live 8 hours away). & he doesn't have any money right now bc he wasn't working at all during the coronavirus/quarantine. I had to go grocery shopping a few days ago before they came since he didn't have any $. He finally got a job last week but is expecting me to stay home and watch them every Thursday - Saturday nights & Sunday mornings for the rest of the summer while he is working. I don't think it's very fair. Also, usually when it's just him and I, I do the grocery shopping but I'm going to try not to go so much this summer bc I don't think it's my responsibility to feed his kids. 

CLove's picture

A fill-in-the-cracker - so, when I was needed I would eagerly step up to the plate and do what was needed. That morphed into helicopter step mom.

I stayed home and did childcare. I did back-to-school shopping on my unemployment money. I bought clothes and pads. Food I know she liked. Took her all over on adventures, because her father was fishing and her mother doesnt take her anywhere at all. But goes on trips with dudes. 

So - she is now 14, and Im stepping back. I bought her a nice gift for her bday. Bought a nice lunch. We crusied around because thats what she wanted to do, which is fine. Bought a cake that she wanted. But Im rethinking providing via a trust or wills. Definitely rethinking the help for college.