Can people change????
I was asked recently if I think people can change. This question has been going thru my mind over and over again. The answer is simple……….people do change……they change all of the time. Just think about it. Are you the same person you were 15 years ago, 10 years ago, even 5 years ago……what about 1 year ago? The answer is NO. You might not have changed the big things that make you who you are, but you have changed in some way. You may look at a situation different or you might think a different way about something. We change because we are constantly evolving, constantly learning. Right?
Well, most people in a relationship that is not working out the way they would like it to want to know that question…..Do people change? "He is cheating on me, will he change?" "She is smothering me, will she change?" Sometimes the question we need to ask ourselves is have they really changed? Was he a cheater when you met him? Maybe…..and if he was and you knew it, why do you expect him to stop now? Did she always need to be up under you, smothering you? Maybe……and if she was then and you knew it, why do you expect her to be any different now? What is the change you are looking for?
Now let's reverse it a lil bit. I am sure a lot of you have experienced this. It is what some people deem as the "bait and switch". "He was so attentive when we first met. He was everything I wanted."…….Then what happened? He changed. He isn't as attentive…….that person you fell in love with is gone and you don't know who you sleep next to every night. "She used to really take care of herself and me. She used to work out all the time and cook homemade meals"…….Then what happened? She changed. She sits around and doesn't care about the way she looks…and a meal? Bye bye to fresh homemade mash potatoes…hello to instant mash potatoes. So yes……I do believe people change.
Half of the time we find ourselves wondering how to get the other person to stop being whom they have always been…….a cheater, smothering, non-loving or caring. Somehow at the beginning we thought that we could change them and now that we didn't, or couldn't we want to know why……we want to know if change is even possible. We are the ones that changed. We decided that a cheater is not good enough to be with us and does not deserve our love. We decided that being smothered, never even being able to hang out with "the fellas", is just not working for us any more. Yes, they were always like that, no they did not change, you did. You just can't deal with it any more.
The other half of the time we try to get that attentive , everything we ever wanted in a man back……The man that would sing to you in front of complete strangers, the man that seemed to know what you where thinking before you said anything……the man that loved the same breakfast as you. Or did he? Was that the real him and he changed, or was it just a rouse? Or that wonderful woman that went to the gym with you, went running with you, and cooked you a homemade meal so you would never have the need to go get fast food again. Was that really her and she changed, or did she just appear to care about herself and you?
Either way folks changed. Instead of trying to figure out how they changed and how you can change them, we need to work on ourselves. The only person we can be sure to change is ourselves. The only thing we can be certain of in life is that things will change. Now its our choice to decide if change is optional or necessity, and to understand, once again, the only change we can regulate is the change we make within ourselves.
Just my thoughts………..
I hear what you're saying.
I hear what you're saying. I think we can change behaviors. However, I think that there are some core personality traits that can't be changed. We might be able to teach ourselves to control them better, but we will never be able to change who we are. Our personalities are both stamped on our DNA and caused by our upbringing. For instance, my husband is an only child and no matter how much I dislike some of the ways that shaped his personality, it's not like he can ever go back and have a different childhood experience.
My courtship with my husband is a classic one. We were both attentive, romatic, loving, slow to anger, quick to apologize, unselfish. A few years into our marriage and all that has seemingly changed. But realistically I know those qualities are still there in our relationship, but we are suppressing them because of the day to day stressors of being married and living our lives.
I would very much like to know how to work on only myself, when my identity seems so wrapped up in my husband and our life together. That is my issue. And that issue is one that I've gone to therapy over. I know what the problems are, I just don't know how to change my core personality to where I am comfortable with things about his core personality. That's my problem at this point!
Mine's a tale of three husbands
That's what they say, the third time's a charm. It certainly is in my case.
First ex was lazy, did not want to work, layed around on the couch all weekend watching sports and sleeping, was an alcoholic and drug addict (I did not know the latter until much later) , wouldn't even change his daughter's diaper - he would let her sit in it until I returned from the store.
Second ex is way overprotective, insecure, tried to buy my love and is now doing the same thing with BD#2, tries to buy his friends and current girlfriend, is way worse than any scorned woman, too emotional, treated my first (not his) BD like crap at times, tells everyone he meets how much money he makes etc..
Third hubby is the charm. He cooks, does laundry, picks up after himself and me (which sometimes annoys me since I am a neatfreak too), makes up the bed every day, does all the outside chores, tends to me when I'm sick, writes me poetry, treats my daughter very well, pays his CS on time and way overdoes for his adult kids. He is always doing a home improvement project and yes, he does finish them all. I couldn't ask for a better guy!
Sorry, I posted this
Under the wrong topic!!!
I agree with Pixie
My DH asked me before if I would change the fact that I married my first husband?
No...that experience helped me heal from other wounds and grow
What about the affair I had while single with a married man?
No....because that heartbreak taught me so much about how much capacity I had to love.
My brother's accident when I was 12 and he was 17?
YES.
DH asked, "But didn't that one contribute to the compassionate and caring person you became through all that adversity?"
Yes....but I was already headed toward that. That's a core part of me. And like Pixie said, those core things don't change. Even with trauma. I would have just got to who I am sooner without the emotional side track.
That being said people are who they are deep down. They can grow, but they have to want to grow. I think that's what determines change.
BM will never change because she doesn't possess the capability to learn from her mistakes. She lies to herself, convinces herself that everyone else wrongs her etc. It all comes down to this...
"When people show you who they are believe them...the first time."
~Maya Angelou
Peace, love, and red wine