If I knew then what I know now....

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I haven't posted in quite a while, but still come here, read the posts, and take comfort that I'm not alone.
I'm still living my own personal nightmare.
If there is a chance that somebody out there will read some of these posts before getting into a relationship with someone who has children, I hope they read this.
You are second. You will NEVER be first priority.
You will change. You will become angry and bitter.
You will end up in therapy.
You will hear "in 6 months they will be gone and this will change" it won't. Kids are forever, you will never be free
You will give your all until there is nothing left and then when you can't give anymore you become "selfish, and mean" in their eyes.
They will eat your food, enjoy the clean home and financial support. But don't ever try to parent as you will hear "you are not my mother"
They will interfere in your relationship, they will lie and manipulate, they will go to any extent to cause a rift between you and your partner
They will break you
Don't do it.

If you have been married only

If you have been married only a year this is the best time to get out of it. I was stupid enough to beleive things would get better. They don't. The more time you waste, the more financial ramifications. I mistakenly thought the main problem was SD. She hasn't been around for over two years and I'm still putting up with DH's passive-aggressive crap.

I am really moved by your

I am really moved by your post and, while I don't have any words of wisdom (very new at being a stepmom), I am terribly sorry and my heart goes out to you.

Unfortunately, no-one will

Unfortunately, no-one will read your post who is considering getting involved with a person with kids, because they are in luurrvve, and it is all going to be peachy.

People find this site when they are quite far down the line, and google "I hate my step daughter" or similar!!

2 and a half years ago I

2 and a half years ago I googled 'psycho EX wife' and thats how I got here I didnt know the skids well enuff at that time to know they would turn out like mini NutburgerBMs :O

LOL great minds bla bla bla

Exactly. I was in lovvveeee

Exactly. I was in lovvveeee and it was all going to be peachy.
Who would have guessed in 8 months I was googling "I hate my stepson and my stepdaughter is a narcissistic b*+%*"
I pray for my sanity and all of us on here, desperate and looking for that piece of hope that's never coming.

Exactly. I was in lovvveeee

I've never given my all to

I've never given my all to skids. I made it clear to DH in the beginning that I had zero interest in parenting or supporting his ex wife's kids. Period.

I googled crazy ex wife. And

I googled crazy ex wife. And here I am. Like hippie girl, I told fdh, I was not interested in being anyones parent. Already did that, I own the tshirt. I have a child God gave me, and she has been grown for a very long time.

I have not crossed those boundaries, hopefully with the help from everyone on this site I will not.

Depends on the man. And the

Depends on the man. And the age of the skids.

My skids were grown - pathetic losers but adults.

My DH puts me first. He knows he has a good thing going with me.

Ultimately my SO is a good

Ultimately my SO is a good man but as my therapist likes to remind me " if he is not part of the solution, then he is part of the problem" There are dependancy issues because he gets something from it as well.
In the end, I'm not a mother, not their mother, I'm just me, the person who takes their dad away and someone they love to hate. The scapegoat for all the damage done years before I came into the picture.

Gee, this is all so negative.

Gee, this is all so negative. Am I the only one that does not regret my marriage? Trust me, Ive been to Hades and back with this man and his boy-but I am not sorry. I do lurrve my dh and we DID create a family with our bio and my two kids-we blended that very successfully.

My ss did not get any better as time went on (I am 12 years in at this time)-in fact he got worse, BUT my dh did get better. He does see the problems the kid has, the effect on our family, the guilty parenting that he did that helped create the problem. He tried to fix it, but to no avail-it's really just too late. So my ss now lives with my mil. Oh, he intrudes into our life-as he goes to my kids school, his problems pop up onto our radar-but we deal with them mostly as a unit.

I don't regret my marriage at

I don't regret my marriage at all. DH put his foot down with mini wife SD14, became a better parent, set some rules and consequences in place and poor little wittle SD went running all the way back to BM's.

He puts me and our marriage first. I'd marry him all over again tomorrow

Hmmm, I'm thinking that's the

Hmmm, I'm thinking that's the solution Red. Have these men set some boundaries and rules and before you know it the skids disappear from your life. I guess we're on to something.

You got it girl. When I met

You got it girl. When I met DH and SD14 she was 12 and I mean, RUNNING his life completely. Had my first email not reached him in time before she DEMANDED he delete his dating profile online, we never would've even met!

She tried to be the boss during the first few mos of our relationship. DH got to see how I was with my daughter (who is only 6 mos older than SD) and said he wanted to be a better parent, because SD was nothing but rude, obnoxious, bossy, whiny, clingy and entitled. I pointed out a few things to him like how she followed him to the bathroom and panicked when he left her sight at a restaurant.

My final straw came when she demanded a "family" meeting with DH, BM and her about DH and I showing affection toward one another. She told him if he didn't stop holding my hand or kissing me in front of her, she'd never come over again. He panicked and told me we needed to "cool it" and I said "are you fucking kidding me? I'm glad you, your EX WIFE and your 12 yr old KID are all in agreement with the way OUR relationship has to be. I; however, am not and good luck finding another woman that will put up with being ruled by an EX WIFE and a CHILD".

From then on, he understood that in order to have a good relationship, he needed to set some boundaries and start actually PARENTING instead of living in fear of BM and SD. When SD tried the same bullshit a few months later demanding us to stop having sex in our own home when she was there for her visitation, he said "well, let's pack your bags then because I will NOT stop having any type of normal relationship just because you're staying in the same house with us". She said "mom would NEVER do that to me". He got BM on the phone and said "Stupid but necessary question - did you and I ever have sex when SD was home?" She said "of course we did" - SD's eyes got all wide and she got pissed and stomped to her room. Never had that discussion again.

She eventually backed off (BM) and SD decided life was just oh so much better at BM's because there's no rules, no discipline, no consequences and she can pretty much do as she pleases. Plus, BM's boyfriend buys her love. Anything and everything she wants.

I do not regret my marriage,

I do not regret my marriage, but I never tried to have anything to do with skids. Never even met one before he died.

I admit I keep DH away from SS (in another state) as much as possible but they are free to talk on the phone. I even had SS for a visit once for a whole week.

I just consider him a mild annoyance kind of like a crazy cousin. He's there I do not let him impact my life very much. But I am not a parent and I am not a real giving person to strangers. So I had no natural impulse to help "fix" the drunk one or reform the now dead criminal.

DH had already been thru years and years of rehab and helping SS start over so many times. It's sink or swim time for him.

And I'm lucky that I found this site pretty early so it helped me not to even try.

"I really think it will be

"I really think it will be better when the skids are older because even if they are so PASsed out that they never become civil, at least BM's reign of terror on DH and our marriage will have little meaning. It's her. The kids are unpleasant but she made them that way."

This is the adult step kids forum and NO they do NOT GET BETTER - THEY GET WORSE. I had the exact same thought as you when the sk's were younger and was soo looking forward to when they were adults, independent and civil.

Well OSD is 36 and YSD is 29 and they are as vile as they could be and are really ramping up the "let's get rid of SM" routine.

Now that DH is retired he is available a lot more to be involved with his DD's and Gkids. This has only caused more trouble.

If you are waiting for things to get better, I would advise that they WILL NOT get better and imagine living with the same or worse problems for the rest of your life.

Will it be worth it? I sure wish I had listened to my inner voice years ago that said - 20 years, it is not going to get any better than it is. I really didn't think they would get worse back then, but here I am. Feeling miserable and trapped.

At this particular point in

At this particular point in time I regret my marriage. Yes, it's sad. Even though SD has not been in the picture for over two years, I still do not feel that this man loves me enough to stand by me or quit playing games. We have been married for almost 22 years. It will be a miracle if it lasts another year.

Why are these "good" men

Why are these "good" men treating their wives like shit - or at least making them put up with skids who treat them like shit?

A really good man would squash these malicious little snot nosed brats (some of whom are over 40) if they treated anyone but especially his wife with hatred and bile.

Thank you for all the posts,

Thank you for all the posts, this is why I am here.
I am not a negative person, my current situation circa 2011 to 2013 has brought that out in me.
I don't regret meeting my SO, regardless of what the future holds for us, I have learned strength and love I didn't know was possible.
It is a daily reality for the majority of us (see above posts) that children are the deciding factor in our relationships. That is a hard pill to swallow.
Any of you who can make it work, my hat is off to you and I read every positive post in hopes I can find something that will help me.
This is just, sadly my story.

Yes, sad but true. What a

Yes, sad but true. What a total disappointment. It is hard coming to terms with the reality and that is what I have been battling - everything has bubbled up to the surface this past year and I am really struggling to keep going.

Do you regret you married

Do you regret you married your DH? I know what you mean by everything bubbling up to the surface. I am struggling too. I can now see that even though I had problems with SD, there were actually more with DH. I have been hoping he would change for almost 22 years now. In fact, I thought he HAD changed until he pulled another unjustified tantrum this week and threatened to leave again. I thought I was of average intelligence. Now I wonder----.

Some days I do regret it. We

Some days I do regret it. We do have a bio son together but he is a little messed up now. And I am not surprised with all the BS going on and PA. I didn't notice until the last 2 years cuz I always worked and was very busy with BS ETC.

I just feel overwhelmed some days, and wish things were different.

As said in the original post:

As said in the original post: "You will give your all until there is nothing left and then when you can't give anymore you become "selfish, and mean" in their eyes."

My stepsons will probably never understand how much of myself I gave to them. I have heard nothing but hatefilled words and accusations of things I never did or said. I finally had to step away but the experience has left me terribly bitter, and not just at my stepsons....at my inlaws and husband as well. I was the one raising my stepsons, husband had full custody but I found as a stepmom our intent is questioned, if the kids seem sad it is our fault, if we don't praise and worship on the step children's feet people look at us like we're the problem. It has been completely frustrating.

The only answer for me was letting go and walking away from any connection with stepsons and my inlaws to save my own sanity. I have spent alot of time in counseling which has been beneficial. Thank goodness for antidepressants, otherwise I can't imagine where I would be. Had I any advise to give to anyone looking at becoming a step parent, it would be to run as fast as your feet can carry you, there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

You are here

If I knew then what I know now....