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Breaking up is hard

Gonnalosemymind17's picture

So yesterday on Valentine's Day I made it official that we are not going to stay living together. 
I called up our landlord and told them we will not be renewing the lease on May 1. It took a lot for me to do that even though I haven't been happy for the last 2 1/2 years this is still so hard and I am so scared. To make things worse he's been ignoring me and telling me that I've been verbally abusive to him all this time and he does not want to continue the relationship any longer. I did not want to break up I just wanted to move out and continue the relationship without living together for now and see where it takes us but he's breaking up with me  and I'm kind of freaking out right now. I know that what's best for me and my daughter is to not live with them so I have to do what I have to do but this is just so hard I don't know how I'm going to make it these next two months  living here with him.

Stepdrama2020's picture

Break ups are hard even when its with someone who isnt good for you. Often our mind travels to the good. Dang it remind yourself of all the bad you and your bio endured.

Time makes it better. Time and the peace that will follow without the toxic in your life.


simifan's picture

Breaking up is always hard. But you got this. Focus on what is important to you, your daughter and her well-being.

Jojo4124's picture

A lot. Even if you don't think you are abused, call domestic violence..they may have resources or support will help you


Change is hard but kudos to you, mamma bear for removing your child, and yourself,  from a bad situation.  The fact that he is blaming you shows that maybe he is don't deseeve that!

You can do this. Try no contact or if your child is his too, set up family wizard so he can only communicate re the child there. If you stay in contact with him he will blame you, abuse you more. 

You can do this! After you get away, and go no contact if possible,  you'll start to find yourself n strength again...

Praying for you n your child! You are stronger than you know...

Gonnalosemymind17's picture

Luckily we don't have a child together, I have mine amd he has his 2 from previous marriage. We still have to live out our lease for another 2 1/2 months, I can't leave because the $5200 deposit is my money if it wasn't I'd leave before. He can leave before the lease is up but I doubt he will since he is always broke. How do I make it through this?

Rags's picture

Only you get access to the MBR. He and his noxious spawn can snuggle in bet every nigh. And... eat out every meal by  yourself. no more groceries, supplies, etc....  Make it miserable, they will leave.

No more analysis paralysis. Act. and keep taking aciton until you get to move back into your own home.

AgedOut's picture

Breaking up is painful even in the worst of relationships. So, cut yourself a ton of slack. When you find yourself sinking deep into it, remind yourself that a new day is coming. Make lists, prepare, focus forward. 

But be ready because next he will either erupt in anger at you or try to guilt you. As time gets closer, he will get desperate. Focus forward on your child and what you will do when you're past this. 

Cover1W's picture

Did you pay a last months rent deposit on moving in? If so I would kiss it goodbye as a gift to yourself and then you have one month left.

Gonnalosemymind17's picture

We had to leave a 2 month deposit so the last month has to be paid. The deposit is all my money and it's $5200 I can't leave that behind I need it. 

CLove's picture

With so much at stake. Try not to spend too much time there if possible. Friends - family? You can do this!

lieutenant_dad's picture

Does your landlord have other, smaller rentals you could move in to and transfer the deposit to? Perhaps you can get out of this apartment/house early if you stay with the same landlord. That gets you out faster without having to give up your deposit.

Also, is your XSO on the lease? If not, figure out how to kick him out before May 1. My fear would be keeping him there until the last minute, then him destroying the property so you're out the money. 

Gonnalosemymind17's picture

I own my own small apartment, told the tenants I couldn't renew their lease which ends at the same time mine does. So I have to wait until may 1st

And he is on the lease although he doesn't need to wait around after all it's my deposit 

la_dulce_vida's picture

He may try to get your deposit. Be very careful there. I'd offer him some cash to move out early. Then you can ensure the place is left in good shape so you can get your full deposit back. People who are always broke can usually be persuaded by an offer of cash. I'd offer him 500 to 1000 to leave early. Wink

Rags's picture

They will leave. No more food in the house. Eat out.  No access to your vehicle, etc.... Put a lock on the MBR.  Misery drives action. Make them both miserable. You can do that for 10 weeks and send them out into their own delusional world with shrunken stomachs and clear memories of how their own idiocy has made misery.  Not that they will recognize that it is due to their choices.

But by then.... it won't matter and you will be on to your new life adventure with that shallow and polluted lazy idiot gene pool fading into your rear view mirror.

Ispofacto's picture

Prolonged exposure to stress raises the cortisol levels in your brain, leading to anxiety and depression.  Disengaging helps reduce the stress.  If he wants to argue, don't take the bait.  It sounds like he's trying to punish you.  That's not an empathic response to your reasonable need to get out of his home.  It sounds like you are dodging a bullet.

Also make sure you're eating well, sleeping well, and exercising, even though you probably don't feel like it.  Spend some time in nature, go do something fun, maybe with one of your girlfriends, and avoid toxic people as much as possible.  Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to heal.  Smiling and laughing when you can will release hormones that help you feel better.  Fake it till you make it is a real thing.


AgedOut's picture

I forgot to add:

 - get your important papers out of the house. buy a fireproof box and give them to a trusted friend or relative to hold onto until you're set. you have appx. 2.5 months. make a game plan of packing/sorting/dividing. but first, today if possible get all of your important paperwork out of there. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Is very important. Please do it right away. And maybe get a p.o. box for your mail so he can't intercept anything. Anticipate spitefulness.

ndc's picture

As far as the landlord is concerned, the deposit belongs to both of you if you both signed the lease.  I would expect the check to be made out to both of you, so best to plan for that.

seriouslyfreda's picture

Any chance he's throwing this tantrum because he needs your financial help and that's his number one priority with you? Btw what's with all these divorcees with kids always being broke! 

relationshipguru's picture

My experience is most single/divorced people with kids who are under the age of 40 are broke unless they are making well over 6 figures and have been for years.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Most people under 40, in general, are broke. Many are living paycheck to paycheck or are only 1-2 paychecks from homelessness. Divorce only amplifies that problem.

Gonnalosemymind17's picture

I don't think i need to worry about him trashing the house or taking my deposit. He has many faults but he's just not that kind of person.

nottom line is I taught him how to treat me, I made bad decisions for myself in order for us to live together, he took advantage of these situations and now he is mad because I won't continue to be okay with his inability to manage his money and meet me half way. 
he is treating like I've done him wrong, broke up with me and is ignoring but yet will continue to sleep next to me in our bed. I told him to move out now, why wait until may 1. If he doesn't want to be cordial and wants to end the relationship then why torture ourselves. I know he doesn't have money to leave now amd rent but he has plenty of friends amd family that he can go stay with.

it's  hell living here like this...

AgedOut's picture

always remember, it was working great for him. He was getting what he wanted out of you and that's all he cared about. So once he's past phase 1: indifference, I never liked you anyway.. he'll move on to step 2, either "but I loooooovvvvvveeeee youuuuuuuu" or angry and hostility. 

Every phase will pass as he tries to latch onto your $$ 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Step 2 can be both. My XH did a great job of begging me to take him back, saying "I love you", etc. Then I'd get endless texts at 1AM telling me I was a b*tch, or how I screwed him over on money and he didn't have a way to pay his bills, etc. His new wife must have money, come from money, or not mind debt because mere weeks after "I can't pay my bills" he was off on weekend trips out of state (which I only knew about through mutual friends and a traffic ticket for his vehicle that got sent to me by mistake).

People who have used you and/or were content in the relationship they had become Jekyll and Hyde after a split.

StepUltimate's picture

... read my blogs if you need validation that what LD posted is 100% true story. I didn't think my STBXH would do certain things... but here we are.


Survivingstephell's picture

Don't hesitate to call the cops on him for any bad behavior on his part.  Double check with the landlord concerning how deposit is returned.   Move his stuff out of your bedroom.  Make it uncomfortable for him to stay.  

Gonnalosemymind17's picture

Well I'm still being ignored since I told him I was not going to continue to live with him. I know it's only been 4 days but it feels like a month to me.

I really don't understand why I'm being ignored and treated like I did something wrong. Yes I contributed to the fall of this relationship by belittling him and being honest. But he's had 2 1/2 years living with me to get his finances in order and he never did. How can I not be angry and resentful and let him know that I wanted him to change how was I supposed to keep quiet about all that. So now I'm the bad guy even though it's because of me and my money that we ever even moved in together I have been the one using my money for us to live together. But now I'm the bad guy and I'm the one that gets ignored, I wouldn't care but the fact that we live in the same house it just seems so immature to me, I understand that this relationship didn't work out and I am willing to be cordial with him since we have to remain in the house for another two months. I don't see the need for him to be ignoring me and treating me like I did something wrong to him because I'm standing up for myself and no longer want to deal with his financial instability.

it's been a really rough four days dealing with the abandonment issues that are coming up for me. I am really struggling and just want to make the pain go away, I find myself ruminating I'm having obsessive thoughts all day about how I can fix this and make this pain go away. But I know deep down inside that I can't fix us I can only fix me. This is just so hard

Winterglow's picture

I think I'd rather be ignored than have him follow me around all the time, berating me for the demise of our relationship... Do you have a hobby that you could throw yourself into? 

Rags's picture

It is over, quit torturing yourself by letting him torture you.  Get a storage unit, engage  your friends network and start getting your stuff out of the house and into a secure location.  Asking someone to address a problem is not belittling. It is life.  His inability to deal with life.... is not your problem.  Quit making it your problem.

Limit your time in the apartment. Limit any face time with either of them.  Couch surf at friends places and focus on the end of lease date.  Please, do not consider him at all, other than to apply  your experiences in this relationship to your risk mitigation plan as  you execute your exit plan.

You hold all of the cards, and have all of the control. Use it. Quit being their victim.

Take care of you.

All IMHO of course.