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Bfs teen daughters & his lack of discipline

Gonnalosemymind17's picture

I'm new here, I need to vent before I have a mental breakdown! 
so just a little FYI on my story. I am 46 years old and he is 49 years old I've been with my boyfriend for six years now been living together for last two years. He has two teenage daughters 16 and 14, I have a 10 year old daughter. I waited four years into the relationship to move in together because his daughters were extremely jealous of me and it was very difficult to be around them during that time. He never knew how to handle it nor how to discipline his kids, he suffers from divorce quilt ( his ex wife is the one who asked for divorce). The last two years have been pure stress for me, I have a little OCD (undiagnosed) and I am a fairly anxious person. My boyfriend is extremely messy and although he has not been diagnosed I'm pretty sure he has a ADD. His older daughter also has those issues. He works 50 to 60 hours a week, I work between 30 to 35 hours a week so I am left with his kids most of the time.
I have been patient with him and with the kids I never punish them I never speak badly towards them and I've never been anything but helpful and supportive. We have spoken about this many times before and he always promises that things will change but they never do. I don't know how much more I can take, he is a very loving man but the lack of boundaries and discipline plus his extreme messiness is driving me crazy. Recently one of his daughters got Covid while at her mothers house and she somehow manipulated him into having her stay at our house which put my daughter at risk and he basically let her get away with it . I am just so fed up and I find myself being uncomfortable and upset most of the time when the kids are with us which is 50-50. I complain a lot about the messiness of the house and the fact that no one does anything to help. He doesn't usually want to hear it from me nor does he want me to tell him about the lack of discipline that he has with his children. I am just so fed up that I am considering leaving the relationship or moving back out with my daughter and if we can make it until the children have moved out then we can move in together again. Although he is not OK with that but at this point I feel like my mental health is suffering, I am now on high blood pressure medication and just started taking medication for anxiety. 

Winterglow's picture

Whether or not he's ok with you moving out is not your problem. If he were so unhappy about the idea, he'd do something to change the circumstances that are making you want to leave. Have you seen any changes? No, didn't think so. 

Stick to your guns if he won't parent his kids. 

tog redux's picture

No shame in admitting you made a mistake moving in there. Move out and if your relationship survives, you can move in together later - though chances are good that his daughters will be the same pains in the neck as adults as they are now. Your daughter deserves a mom who isn't stressed out all the time, so if he won't make any changes, your choice is clear.

thisisus's picture

A friend of mine is married to a man with a son that he just did not discipline. The 17 year old snuck out of the house, got drunk in a neighboring county, drove and killed a young lady in a car accident. Now, their lives are runined. Naturally, the parents of the other young lady are going to sue for everything they can get.

Failure to plan is planning to fail. Failure to discipline is also planning to fail. It sounds like you can support yourself. I personally would leave. It will not be any better when they are adults. Kids today are rarely successful on their own. They have this entitlement issue I cannot understand.

My husband has two adult children. He gave one a job and the other is absolutely pitiful. I asked him once what accomplishments she had. He said she was able to ride public transportation. That's not an accomplishment. She has an average iq.

The problem is that the old divorce guilt caused spoiling which led to an adult who can do nothing on her own. Thankfully, my husband finally cut her off financially about six months ago. But, as far as I know, he still pays her car insurance and taxes. Learning to support yourself in your mid twenties is rough when you have been spoiled all your life. I really don't care if her sends her money. I don't want her on welfare and as long as she depends on anything from a parent, I can't imagine how she could ever feel accomplished or happy.

Anyway, my point is that these daughters you are dealing with now are more than likely only going to get worse. If he doesn't support you, run. Just my two cents. Hang in there.  

If my husband had not stood up to her, I would not have married him. I was sick for weeks while we were engaged and she never asked if I was ok. I had to take my husband to the hospital once and she did not respond to my texts or phone calls. She did not come to the wedding or his birthday party. She only cares for herself and her cats. 

I promise you if my husband ever dies, she will be beating down my door for money after being the worst daughter one can possibly be. It is what it is. Save yourself from the drama. If he won't support you, like I said, run. 

Kes's picture

In your position, I would move out.  It's not your bf's decision and your physical and mental health are suffering.