Bond with stepdaughter?
My boyfriend and I have been together almost 3 years. This past year we have obtained full custody of his 9 year old daughter because her mother is dating and drug dealer basically. She is showed to be clean of drugs herself, but doesn’t seem too concerned with getting her daughter back. I can’t comprehend that to begin with.. she gets SD basically when my boyfriend says. (She is still dating the drug dealer)
This past year we all moved into a new house together and she adores me. I couldn’t ask for a better kid. She has all of our names on her chalk board she drew with the same last name and “family forever”. But before we moved in together, we had her only on weekends. And I feel bad saying it, but it was a lot easier. I would play with her, color with her, basically entertain her whenever we had her because it wasn’t much and the time felt more special because we didn’t have her all the time.. But now seeing her almost 6 days a week straight and working full time I feel like I just don’t have that bond to spend time with her. To actually want to. It almost feels like more work than anything. My BF is the most amazing father I have ever known, everything he does is for her and he loves doing anything and everything with her, and he said recently he thinks mine and her bond is slipping.
This sounds really awful and I don’t know if there’s any way you all have found To work on this.. but I don’t really feel a bond with her at all. Idk if it’s because she’s older, or a girl, like I would do anything if she needed it because that’s my role but to truly look at her and feel love... I don’t think I have that. And I only say this because years ago I dated a guy pretty seriously with two young boys, 2 and 4, and I felt very maternal toward them. I loved cuddling, feeding, buying them presents. Seeing them smile. When they would cuddle in bed it felt normal. But now I have this thing where when SD comes in our bed I get very uncomfortable .. likes she’s too old to be in our bed? She’s starting to get body odor, she wears a bra. She almost up to my chin in height.. it feels weird. My boyfriend gets veryyyyy offended when I say I’m uncomfortable with it. But I can’t help it. I try to see it as myself when I was younger sleeping with my mom or grandpa.. maybe it’s a personal issue idk. I don’t ask for much but the bedroom is my place. I’m almost half naked sleeping in there sometimes. It’s where we’re intimate I don’t see it as her place.
My questions are: are there any ways to strengthen a bond? Why don’t I have it? Will I ever? We have plans for more kids and I am terrified I will end up treating them different than her. Is it possible to love a step child like they were your own? .
Don’t want to burst your
Don’t want to burst your bubble.You may never bond with her. Look like there a tension between you, SO and SD
Your SO is letting a almost a full sexual person your SO is letting,into your martial bed. It’s almost like a threesome you don’t want to be part of.
Your SO isn’t a great Dad. He not teaching her what to do and what not to do. It’s called Disney dad. Anything to make it easy for his DD
Harry is right: you may never
Harry is right: you may never bond with her.
The flip side? You two may bond, but she will eventually throw you under the bus because her mooooommmmmy is her mother. And no matter how sick and twisted that relationship my be, you will lose every time.
Don't try to bond. Be yourself. Be nice. Be polite. Whenever you have an amiable relationship, be satisfied. When it goes sour, expect it. But always take the high road.
don't waste your time bonding
don't waste your time bonding with her and get her out of your bed!!!
Make it a rule, no kids in
Make it a rule, no kids in the adults' bedroom. When I was a kid, we weren't allowed in our parents' bedroom, none of our friends were allowed in theirs either. You need to establish firm boundaries, or she will trample all over you. Before long you will find her going through your closet.
Wildly inappropriate that she
Wildly inappropriate that she is in the bed. No, no, no, and NO! That is so strange. Not your fault. I agree with other posters here, don't try to bond too much. Be loving, be caring,. Be yourself. But do not invest your whole self, emotionally. You will never be mom. Just stepmom.it is not your responsibility. Imagine if your sibling moved in with you. Would you love your niece? Yes. Would you care for her? Yes. Would you accept parental responsibility for her and invite her into your bed and love her as your own? No.
She is not your kid, at the end of the day. She is someone else's. Likely, when you have children of your own, you will fully realize how you cannot love her as much. If she already has two parents, let them parent her. Even if it's crappy.
I have a DD with my husband. I love her infinitely more than I could even imagine caring for my SS. To be honest, I really don't love him. Things are better in my house when he's gone. Just because I love my husband doesn't mean I love his kid. It's not required. And no, I don't treat them equally because he's not my kid. Why would I show him love that I don't feel? We can have respect for and care for our skids, but no, the love thing doesn't always happen. And you're not a bad person if it doesn't happen. Think of it like a bonus if it happens but don't expect it.
I think this is where BD's are unrealistic in their expectations. And I agree with Harry...it's called Disney dad. My husband does it too, probably because they feel guilty. But it's BS. Be strong and stand up for your needs. Because your boyfriend likely won't.
Everyone so far has said AND
Everyone so far has said AND I totally agree, no 9 year olds in adult beds. JMO
Biology has a lot to do with how one 'feels' about their own bio kids and how someone else may 'feel' about them. Does your boyfriend LOVE the neighbors kids the same way he LOVES his child? What about his daughters grade school best friend who is ALWAYS at your house. Shouldn't he love her the very same way and he does his daughter?
Does he LOVE his nephews/nieces the very same way as he does his own bio. If he is honest with himself and truthful with you that answer is probably going to be no. Doesn't mean he doesn't care about them and want them to have the best. But he cant love them the way a parent loves a child.
Not sure who started it all those years ago,,BUT we are conditioned to believe under NO uncertain circumstances we better love our spouse or boyfriends child just like our own. YET no one requires that of us with cousins, nephews, nieces of sig other.
See what I mean. Shouldn't you LOVE everyone like your own?
Don't be so hard on yourself. Ask boyfriend if he loves his brother or sisters kids JUST like he does his daughter...interesting to hear his reply.
Anyway, Be kind, warm and caring towards his child because that is the right thing to do. Hopefully dad will make sure his daughter goes back into her bed.
GoodLuck
You need to get the
You need to get the relationship terminology correct - YOU don't have full custody of her, her father does. She is not your child. You may think of it as you two (BF and you) having her full time and sole custody, but this responsibility falls to the father, not you. She is not your child and has a mother as awful as Mommmeee may seem to you or as disinterested as she is.
She should not be in your bed at all. There are boundary issues and it is inappropriate to have a child in your bed. Again it is not your child and her father needs to understand that there are limits to where this child can go. Your bed and possibly bedroom is space shared with you and BF. It is a matter of respect that he takes into account that you do not want the child in your bed. Even if you loved her to ends of the earth, you may still feel that she does not belong in your bed. If your husband does not see this or wont listen to you on this he is in fact disrepecting you in your own personal space. Your dreams and soul is crushed one compromise at a time and this is an example of that. I have a 12 year old son and I dont want him in my bed - it sometimes has nothing to do with biology. Its my space and my boundaries.
You may bond with this child, you may not. It seemed easier before because it was a form of "playing house". She would go back to her mom and you had her in your house for limited time periods. Now she is in your house full time and parenting is a a thankless full time job. It is hard. You have needed to make a mental shift and you may or may not want to do this.It is complicated by issues like your BF not respecting your feelings on certain things like the bed issue. He overrides your thoughts and feelings on things in favour of his child. This slowly will build resentment because in certain instances you will see it as him choosing his child over you when it may not even be the case. In the case of the bed he is, and it is plain stupid and selfish of him.
There is no easy way to cope with step parenting. There is no easy way to force yourself to bond. You need your relationship with your BF and your SD to play out as is. All relationships are different as you see in the case of your SD and the other boys where you found it easier.