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How to co-parent??

Jackierich's picture

Hi all - so ive been with my boyfriend for about 3 years, just moved into a house with him and his almost 10 yr old a little over a year ago (who we have full time, her mom has her 1-2 nights a week). In the beginning when we didn’t all live together and he only had her on the weekends it was honestly way different and better. When he did have her, it felt special and less pressure like. We would even do stuff just us 2 girls. He had his time with his friends, we had our alone time and we had the time with her that way all about her. 

but now since we have her all the time I feel like the stress level has just gone up. She’s sweet and loves me, but there are times where I want to parent with him because I am his partner and the more involved mother figure, but sometimes I just don’t agree with his parenting. And since she’s getting older it’s getting to be that time where you’re kind of molding them into a young adult. 

For example: when we go somewhere out to eat now, SD needs to be ok with where we go, even if I’m not. It sounds petty but when it happens all the time it gets old. I’m “the adult” so I should just go with the flow. In my head .. no if me and him decide we’re taking us out to dinner to a restaurant in town, she’ll learn to pick a meal. Not us cater to what she feels like that night. He won’t say “hey we’re going to dinner” he’ll ask what she wants to eat. 

If we’re eating dinner right in the middle if she wants something extra like potatoes or corn .. He’ll stop his meal and go cook while we’re still eating. Little things like that just are starting to get to me. Let her finish the huge plate she has. 

Our most recent disagreement is the ride to school in the morning. So he works at 7:30am. I work at 10am. In opposite directions. Her school starts at 8:10 but a before school program starts at 7:15. My work and his work are in opposite directions in different towns. So on his days of work (2 24 hour shifts a week) I have to get up at 6am, wake her up at 6:30.. get her and myself ready for school and work.. drive 30 minutes to drop her off at school and then drive another 45 minutes back up to work and wait there for an HOUR for my work to open. His work is ON THE SAME STREET AND SAME TOWN as her school, but says “she should never have to be inconvenienced like that to have to get up 45 minutes earlier with me and have to be put in a before school program when you should be an adult and just do it” .... when he can drop her and go right to work. but to me it makes no sense for me to do all that running around when they can just get up together.

And bless the lord for this site because I never knew ppl had the same issues as me... but I feel like he wants me to just love her unconditionally like he does ... but I don’t have that connection with her. I do things for her because I have to. But I don’t think I “love” her. I never had an affectionate relationship with my mom or sister, only my brothers so being emotionally loving toward her, a grown girl almost as big as me and still seeing him baby her... sometimes I just wanna run. Even tho I am so in love with him.. it just gets hard to juggle. I tell him he doesn’t co parent with me.. he just tells me things to do.. so I’d like him to let me have the reins sometimes. She also is super bossy and getting Attitudey... and I have no idea how to correct it. 

notasm3's picture

Tell him to go eff himself, to take care of his daughter himself, and to stop being such a damn loser/user.

tankh21's picture

Your DH is letting your SD run things in the household. There is a difference between asking kids what they want to eat at home and cooking what they want to eat sometimes and that is ok because my DH does that with his kids however, asking a kid what they want to eat every time you go out to eat is a bunch of bulls***! Who pays when you go out to eat? Also your DH shouldn't make you drive your SD to school let her get up earlier and have him take her. Your DH is giving her a choice of what she wants to do in her life. This sounds like a case of typical disney dad syndrome. You don't give kids a choice about what they want to do. They need guidance and structure not to be given a choice about what they want to do all the time. My DH is a lazy parent and I tried to help him parent the skids however, it is literally is exhausting and not worth my time. I gave up and disengaged for the most part. You will soon get tired of it too if something doesn't change. My DH is getting better but he will never change.

Areyou's picture

Don't think that you need to like or be patient with SD. She needs to adjust to life with you and your husband. Refuse to drive the child to school. I hate it when they say "you need to be the adult'. She's not your kid, not your problem. 

CLove's picture

I have Disney Dad, sometimes. He will cook dinner and then cut her meat for her. Munchkin SD is now 12. He will also change where we go for dinner (or try to), when she pouts and tells us she rather have pizza when I was hungry for chinese and we had both agreed on chinese. I put my foot down and insist, then get pouty face from her. I have to stand strong and "be the bad guy" sometimes. But you should not have to turn yourself inside out! Please stand stong! Stand up for yourself or things will get much worse for you with mini wife and disney dad.

elkclan's picture

...have to be the adult and go with the flow - and sometimes you have to be the adult and put your foot down. I fully admit I over-cater to children's food tastes. For both my child and my stepkids (so I at least I'm fair!!!).  And SO and I eat all the grown up food when they're not here. But that's because my parents were food-Nazis and would force me to sit at a table til bedtime for food I couldn't stand and I swore I would never do it. But there's no way in heck I would get up from dinner to prepare more food and nor would I stand for it. Occasionally I make something that YSS doesn't like, he will get bread or something like that in place of it and then that food goes on my adult-only food rota. But that's me - and that's not something I would advise other people to do, I think some of what I do is fine and some of what I do has resulted in my BS being too picky.  My SO wouldn't even cater to them as much as I do... 

There's no way in heck I would be driving a stepkid early and waiting outside work when there is a before-school programme available. That's expecting too much of a stepparent and frankly would be asking too much of a bio parent in an intact family. Your bf is in the wrong on this one - and you shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place. I once drove FIVE hours to get my steps back to their mom's - but that was exceptional. I wouldn't normally do that. And you know what - my SO was bloody grateful. If he had 'expected' it - I would have been pissed. He did ask me to do it, but he knew he was asking a big favour. 

Kona_California's picture

I'm in a similar situation, although I'm still living in my own apartment until things even out the way I need them to. 

First, your man can't cherry pick when he wants you to be involved with parenting his kid. If he wants to make all the decisions, you shouldn't be obligated to do any ride-giving at all. However, since she's there so much, it would be pretty difficult to completely opt-out of parenting. 

In terms of things like making her special food for dinner, or choosing where to eat, do you feel you can talk to him about this? You should be able to sit down with him after something like this happens, and say this is how I feel when "XYZ" happens. If he tries to shut you down, you say no, my opinion matters here. I accepted you AND your daughter, and you can't be the only one who calls all the shots about how our household is run. Remind him that you're helping support her too by sharing a living space and paying a portion of the bills. If he tries to pull the card of you not having your own kid so you don't know, that's also not an arguement. You dont' need to have had a kid to know how to teach boundaries, values, or respect. There are teachers who care for children every day who don't have kids, right? You should be able to freely voice your thoughts in real time directly to his daughter in a constructive way, and your man should back you up and say "please listen to her."

If you feel it isn't possible to talk to him or if he throws what you say out of the window, tell him this is a major issue with you and you think a counselor can help everyone understand each other. Put your foot down, girl! Just because this isn't your kid doesn't mean your opinion doesn't matter.