Anyone else
Anyone else fantasize about a life without step kids? My boyfriend and I have a 1 year old daughter and he has a 9 year old son. I often find myself dreaming of a world where ss went to live with his mom or even living on my own with just my daughter. Some back story: I work full time overnight and am the sole daytime caretaker of both kids. I am constantly tired but I love every minute with my baby. Its my ss that makes me want to pull my hair out. Getting him to do the most basic hygiene is an everyday struggle. He still wears pull ups, "forgets" to ever brush his teeth, has to be reminded to shower, and we had to put a trashcan in his room to keep him from hiding his dirty pull ups under the bed. I always fight with myself about if I'm grounding him too much or making him miserable and despise me even more. He tells me I'm mean and he doesn't like me but I'm just trying to do the bare minimum to help him function. Dad does all he can but the discipline naturally falls on me because I'm always home with him. Well, this turned into more of a rant than I expected. I just feel like no one understands. My entire day consists of monitoring him. Making sure he brushed his teeth, did he remember to wear a pull up, is he lying about doing his school work, is he watching YouTube when he's supposed to be in online school. It never ends. Is this normal? Will I go through the same with my own daughter? I'm at my wits end. Thanks for listening. I know others must relate.
9 yo in pull-ups?
Think there is something wrong with him. He need professional help. He should get a mental work up to see where the problem is.
Two. Yes we all fantasize , what life would be like without SK. We all are jealous that our partner and the ex has a life with out kids That they had adult alone time , That simple life where you could go to McDonals with out needing a babysitter, phone numbers, Where the Babysitter cost more then MickeyD.
Yes, definitely needs a
Yes, definitely needs a professional evaluation. Im having a hard time finding a counselor that is doing in person sessions. I feel an over the phone session between a 9 year old and a stranger may not be helpful. Maybe the pediatrician can refer us to someone?
9 year olds
Kids that age know how to go potty without pull ups. There is a problem there. No wonder you are frustrated! You are having to take on someone elses problem. And Ill bet you get all the kiddos anger and frustration. Too bad you walked into this - no one ever knows what they are signing up for. Where is the mother?
No - this is definitely NOT normal!
Realizing now I was not
Realizing now I was not specific about the pull ups being an over night thing, not an all the time problem. However, I still think 9 is way to old to still be dealing with this.
Mother up and moved out of state when he was about 4. Rarely visits or calls but the kid worships her. She gets to show up once or twice a year and be the fun parent with no rules. No wonder he thinks we're mean here at home.
Ehh... it isn't all that
Ehh... it isn't all that uncommon especially in boys to have occasional accidents at night up to 9-10. However, if he hasn't been to the doctor about it, he probably should be referred out to a urologist to start.
As for the rest of what you said, I think you are normal. Those are things that any full time stepmom has felt at some point, even if they won't admit it. Here on this board- I think most will say they agree 100% ALL THE TIME! LOL
He will always worship his mother. It is what it is. She will never do wrong.
I think a specialist is
I think a specialist is warranted. It's an almost nightly occurrence but there's also a mental aspect to it. I've found him wearing the dirty pull up hours after he's woken up and even sitting on wet sheets and dirty pjs. I can only think this is from poor potty training from his mother and father
Even if the pull ups are just
Even if the pull ups are just at night, at 9 years old, I'd be highly concerned. If it was an occasional accident, I'd be less concerned, but the fact he regularly wears pull ups indicates this is a regular occurrence. Get him evaluated by Dr for any physical reasons this is happening and perhaps into counseling if there are no physical reasons. I worked with children and accidents at an age they shouldn't be happening anymore always screams RED FLAG to me for sexual abuse.
Also, that is very frustrating that you have your SS all day everyday? which doesn't allow for you to fully enjoy your time with your DD. I'm assuming you work nights so you and DH don't have to do daycare, which makes financial sense. If there was anyway to change that, perhaps look into options. If not, use your off days to spend solely with DD and bonding to get away from SS stepmom duties. Also, maybe start a chore chart for SS instead of nagging him all day, that would get tiring. And hiding pull ups under his bed? What the heck. That needs to stop because that's really disgusting. But probably an indication that he's embarrassed (rightfully so).
I was starting to think I was
I was starting to think I was crazy for wanting alone time to be with my baby. Luckily now she is getting older and I can easily take her with me even if its just a trip to target. But since ss school is closed with no change in sight, I feel confined to the house. I cant even leave for walk around the block because I need to be here hovering over him.
I wish a chore chart would work. He has simple chores like taking out his trash can of pull ups and cleaning his room a few times a week. So far no amount of grounding or money has encouraged him.
Nope you're not crazy at all!
Nope you're not crazy at all! Parents need 1 on 1 time with children just as much as the kids do, even if you had multiple bio kids, it's necessary.
Wow not even for incentives, that is frustrating for sure. My daughter is only 1 so no advice there since haven't had to start that yet.
In all honesty, I think it
In all honesty, I think it starts at that age. My daughter is also 1 and I've already started teaching her to be self sufficient. She picks up her toys in the bathtub and now that she's walking, next task is to learn to take her diapers to the trash. Waiting until they're older just means more bad habits to break.
Steps definitely allow you to
Steps definitely allow you to realize what NOT to do/to do in the parenting department. We realllllly struggle with self sufficiency with SD8 so it's a big thing for me too.
Social worker
I would recommend a social worker. Depending on your income they can be payed for by the state. They can help you find resources for therapy and other specialists.
OP, if you work all night and
OP, if you work all night and watch kids all day...when do you sleep? And then on top of a serious lack of sleep, you are incredibly stressed taking care of someone else's kid while missing out on spending quality time with your kid.
Not only is this incredibly bad for your physical and mental health, but eventually it will kill your relationship. The resentment will build until one day you will look at your bf and feel nothing but disgust.
What did your bf do before you were there? How did he care for his son? I mean, yea covid and online school, but that does not negate his responsibility to his kid and make it your responsibility. Your bf HAS TO figure something else out for HIS kid.
Seriously, does he realize you would be better off without him? Your bf sure has a sweet deal though, so I bet he hasn't even noticed you are suffering. And if he hasn't, well that says quite a bit.
Before I was in the picture
Before I was in the picture bfs mother helped care for ss but she's too risky to have around the kids. She relies on public transportation. I am exhausted all the time but I genuinely love the time I get with my family. I have literally spent every single day with my daughter since she was born. Every first I was there for. Bf does what he can. He know how I feel and he really tries. Hes actually out with ss right now getting new tires for my car. But a weekend with ss at a cousins house would do a world of good.
a 9yr old should not be
a 9yr old should not be wearing pull ups, either there is a mental issue or the kid has been trained like this over the years and now lazy with going to the toilet,,,if he goes to great lengths to hide his dirty nappies ,, he can go to the toilet. When do you ever sleep????? you must be like a zombie 24/7. I would be sitting down with you DH and having a serious talk about the dynamic, you will only be able do this for so long before your burnt out and crack. You will seriously end up resenting your BF and he will resent you when you finally lose your shit after looking after his dirty son day in day out.
So when is your BF on actual
So when is your BF on actual parenting duty? Him getting to sleep at night with the kids while you stay up nearly 24 hours every day isn't a solution. No wonder you're fantasizing about running!
Time to look for a new job, and time to tell BF to find child care for SS. If your BF isn't currently collecting CS from BM, and if he doesn't have a CO with her, then he needs to get BOTH in place NOW. Even if she rarely pays, annually he should get her tax returns to pay arrears. It's not much, but it's something.
And if your BF can't afford child care, then he needs to get a second job to afford it. Point blank, it's HIS responsibility to manage his son, not yours. And THAT'S why you need a new job - so you CAN'T be dumped on to be an all-day babysitter.
This is not sustainable. You're going to have to make some momentarily painful moves, starting with TELLING, not asking, your BF what is going to happen in regards to you taking care of his son. Frame is around your BF failing as a father (because he is):
"BF, I cannot be the only parent in the house. SS needs medical evaluation and constant care, and YOU aren't providing that. I have no authority to provide it, but YOU have left me with YOUR responsibility to handle it. No more. I am looking for a day job so I can sleep at night and enjoy my daytime. YOU need to find childcare for SS and YOU need to figure out how to pay for it. I am no longer going to be an option. YOUR inaction to fix issues with SS that are hurting him has led me to this point. Not SS; YOU. This gets sorted or I'll sort it myself, and if I have to sort it, it will result in our relationship ending."
Your time and value isn't up for discussion. You have control over how you are used. Stop allowing yourself to be used.
That fantasy will come true
That fantasy will come true far sooner than you think.
We lived our all Skid all the time life for 16+ years though we did get 7wks per year of Skid free time (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring) due to SS's long distance SpermLand visitation schedue. It really was generally a complete pleasure and proverbial walk in the park, except for the shallow and polluted end of SS's gene pool. The SpermClan, particularly SpermGrandHag, was our source of drama.
Then one day we woke up and were empty nesters. Poof! and we are rapidly approaching the 10th anniversary of starting our life as empty nesters.
I have never fantasized about not having SS, or fantasized that I or my bride did not bring our relationship histories to our marriage. Those experiences are in large part what make us the great fit as partners that we are for each other. For sure my history makes me a far better husband that I would likely otherwise be. I have no jelousy and never had any jelousy towards the Spermidiot. There is absolutely nothing about him for me to be envious of. He was a 23yo who got a 16yo pregnant. He has been nothing but a POS father to my son, and comprehensively a waste of skin.
I am not the type of person to waste time and energy on jelousy over my partner's past. I would not be with anyone who was like that.
9 and pull ups!!!??? I would
9 and pull ups!!!??? I would let him sit in it soiled and get his dad to deal with that. Thats f***ed up. My daughter just turned 3 and we are finally getting somewhere with potty training, if she does have an accident she wipes her own butt and puts her pull up in the garbage and gets a new one. I sure hope that's the case here and not you changing him.
I'm only going to answer the
I'm only going to answer the first line of your post and say no more. There would be not a SINGLE person here that doesn't fantasise about what life would have been like.
Actually I’m going to continue....
Why is the 9 year old still in pull ups? There must be a reason? I'm wondering if daddy didn't toilet train him properly? Is this an enabled behaviour....? Avoiding an issue? Rather than do tha hard yards and make the kid think he has to act his age (get up and use bathroom in the night independently) instead he is still babied and it's okay to just piss or shit in the pull up rather than learn to use the toilet independently at night...? Unless he has a disability I can't understand why this is a thing.
She posted about the pull ups
She posted about the pull ups back in June. Many advised for a visit with a ped and therapist, which she agreed. Not sure OP ever followed through with her or DH taking SS to see one.