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we're setting a wedding date this to handle?

whoami's picture

after 7 months of being angaged and all the ups and downs and work we have both done, we have decided to set a wedding date this week. i am looking for some advice on how to handle it with his kids and lunatic ex (she lost her mind when she found out we got engaged of course). we have had several talks about eloping but i hear from friends,etc that we should really try to include the kids in our wedding plans. i would love doing this but i am still having some issues with his 16yo son. he is very cold and stand offish for the most part (ocassionally he'll open up and get into a conversation with me but not very often). i just know if we sit him down and tell him we finally set a date he may not take the news very well. i know based on what i have heard through sd that he and his mother have had talks of our wedding not happening and that our relationship would end soon, etc.

so not that what he wants will affect our decision to get married but ultimately i want it to be an enjoyable experience for everyone, if that's even possible.

we have thought about informing the ex first of our confirmed date jus tto let her know that it is actually happeneing now and that she will have to start communicating with me on some level regarding the kids. but i just know this will create alot more drama than what is already existing.

any ideas? thanks Smile


Stepmom_C's picture

I'd set the date first and make it a weekend where your fiance has the kids anyway. That way if his son doesn't want to be involved he doesn't have to but at 10, his daughter will probably like to hear about all the fun girly stuff involving the wedding! I would not discuss it with the ex - she will just cause added drama. My DH and I kept the date from his ex as long as we could - then the kids told her. By then I'd planned everything and I was ok with the drama that it created Smile

As for the ex - my BIGGEST mistake that I wish I had a "do over" with was that immediate need to think she had to include me regarding the kids. She doesn't and it inly made the situation more difficult. I think it's an acknoledgement thing. We (new-wife) need to feel we are involved but the truth is we already are involved in our house, with our husbands and stepchildren but not in the "communication w/ ex" re: any issues. They don't have to acknoledge us and it works better to accept it. I think I thought....Well, DH and ex fight all the time... I can talk to her instead of him... Then he's not talking to her, no jealousy issues w/ that...I'm more organized and keep up the schedules. DH doesn't even have email etc...

Well it made my life hell and I landed a seat in therapy. Stay out of it - BUT ALWAYS BE IN THE LOOP with your fiance(soon to be DH) - the kids will know you have a united front at home and see that you are involved.

I'm so happy for you!! Good luck with all of it. Sounds like things are going great (as great as they can w/ a crazy ex, huh??) Hang in there... Smile

laurels4u's picture

You don't mention in your post if this is your first marriage or you age, but let me say this loud and clear, DO NOT ALLOW AN EX OR A CHILD TO DICTATE WHAT YOU WANT TO DO ON YOUR WEDDING DAY. If you want to elope, then go, without the kids. They'll be around for the rest of your lives. If you want to involve them, let them watch a video of the ceremony when you get back. Furthermore, no one will ever be happy with anything you choose to do. I got married to my DH a little over a year ago, it was my first marriage and his second. DH actually asked his then 10 y.o. son for approval to marry me and then laughed when he told me about it and God forbid DH's son had said no, DH would not have married me. So, please, for everyone's sake, don't confirm anything with anyone other than your BF, just set the date, and let the chips fall where they may. If you BF's son isn't coping with your relationship with his father, that's his son's problem, not yours. Even after five years of being with DH, his son still isn't "used" to his dad being with me so I deal with DH's son's BS all of the time. It doesn't ever stop. I've finally realized this is DH's problem, not mine. If you have done everything you can to be cordial and you are being ignored/disrespected by the son, then BF needs to deal with him. Let me also offer my two cents on communicating with the lunatic BM -DON'T DO IT EVER. That's your BF's job and if she is not happy about your engagement and upcoming marriage, then she certainly won't be happy about being forced into speaking to you about "her" children.

Good luck with your wedding planning and all that goes along with it. Keep us posted on how it goes!

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.