How would you handle this?
My fiance has been leaving voicemails for BM every day for a week (Wednesday through Tuesday) on her cell phone and he has a little trick where he puts a confirmation receipt on the messages so he knows if and when she listens to them. (Hooray Verizon Wireless!) As you may remember, BM whisked SD away on vacation and was very elusive as to where they were and when they were leaving and coming back so he's not sure when he'll be seeing SD next. He calls every day and leaves a message suggesting that they make up their missed Daddy/Daughter dinner night by picking up early on Friday for our weekend since we have off work for Good Friday.
Well, SD called yesterday to chat (yay!) and he mentioned that we have off work on Friday and SHE suggested that we pick her up early to make up for missing their weekly dinner. He said "yes, I've suggested it to your mom and I'm waiting to hear back from her so we'll see."
So, BM calls today and leaves a 3 1/2 minute long message saying that she was confused, that she hadn't received any prior messages from him, that SD mentioned it to her yesterday and that it was the first she'd heard of it. She reminded him that she was out of town and didn't have access to email or the landline, that the cell phone was the only way to contact her and left her cell number on the message twice. I think she said 37 times that she was "confused at this miscommunication". What a load of crap! We have proof that she listened to all 7 voicemails he left her. Liar!
So, do we let it go entirely and just enjoy knowing that we've caught her in one of her many lies? Or do we bring it up in Family Based Therapy? Or do we keep the evidence for use in court one day to prove that she's a habitual liar that can't be trusted? (Well, duh, we'll do that!) My fiance doesn't want her to know that we have this trick but I kinda want to hold her accountable. I guess now's not the time.
That reminds me - once we showed SD how to leave messages with confirmation receipt and she left BM a message about the next day's pick up. BM listened to it, but I didn't know it at the time. When BM came to pick up NOT at the time that SD stated in the message, she told me that she didn't get the message. I BELIEVED HER! When I found out that evening that she'd lied through her teeth right to my face and I didn't call her out on it, I was so annoyed. Oh well. Better that she's not onto us!
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hold on and document it
oh Caitlyn, never ceases to amaze the amount of bs that can go on. But I doubt that the therapyst can do much right now, it will just be another thing added to their list that they probably won't get to, and so far, I doubt they want to be the ones who bring it up...for fear of course. I would document these cases, and collect whatever physical evidance you can from it. When you do hit the courts it will be pretty hard for her to deny it when it is in her face. Just remember what they say about the cat out of the bag....keep the evidance piling...just proves she is not communicating well with bd.....hmmmm didn't she say that about him recently???lol. if your fiance does ever get a chance alone with the therapyst it wouldn't hurt to mention it, but I would let them decide if it should be brought up. good luck!!!
Don't tell her!
Let her continue to lie and look stupid, at the next meeting very nonchalantly (sp) have Hubby mention, as loosely as this " You know I am so glad that you and BD made it back safely, and she and I really enjoyed our Daddy/Daughter day, I was concerned when you mentioned to me that you dis not receive any of my 7 (huge emphasis on 7) voice mails that I left while OUR daughter was in your care so I pulled up my receipt of verification of emails ( as you pull this hughe stack of papers out, even if you have to get black sheets of paper, just have the Verizon info on top)from Verizon, and they show that not only were all 7 (huge emphasis again) received but all 7 were listened to, on such and such date, such and date, such and such date, etc"
Be prepared to pick her bottom lip up off of the floor!
2 snaps up in the air! 2 achieve ultimate humiliation this must be done in FRONT of mediator!
She will be very hesitant to EVER lie again about voice mails once she is aware U now have this litlle bit of technology on her her!
"Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other."
(Step-Mom the Movie 1998)
Don't tell her if you think you'll be going to court
I definitely wouldn't tell her if you think you will be going to court soon. After reading this site for a few months I have definitely learned one thing......document everything. If she lies about this she will lie again about something else and just let the evidence keep piling up. We finally go to court on the 24th of this month for BM's numerous violations of the Joint Parenting Agreement and we have a ton of evidence proving that she lies, etc. We are praying the judge will do something about it and rake her over the coals.
I can't wait till our day in court
I can't wait till our day in court when she's finally faced with all the evidence of her lies right there in black and white. We've been sticking to email for communication with her so that when she says "I never said that" we can pull up the email that says she did on such and such a date at such and such a time. She wants to talk on the phone or meet in person to discuss things and we just flat out refuse to do that because she has a history of reneging on verbal agreements. With the voicemail trick, she thinks she's getting her way by not having any documentation - I guess she thinks we're stupid. I can't wait to see her bottom lip plastered to the floor, like you say, the1_u_luv_2_hate.
Loonybonusmom, interesting that you've caught on to this. BM accuses BF of all kinds of heinous things all the time - and guess what? 99.99% of the time, it's something she herself is guilty of. "You don't communicate!" Check. "You put SD in the middle!" Check. "SD is afraid to tell you what she really feels because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings." Check. The therapists are well aware of this too. They told BF not to worry, that he's been doing a great job of *trying* to communicate with her, keeping SD out of the middle and sustaining a positive relationship with SD. They truly believe that all the BS that BM drums up about SD being uncomfortable around us and my family is either a) purely made up by a vindictive insecure BM or b) the result of SD telling Mommy what she wants to hear because she's so fiercely protective of her. It's probably a little of both.
Kim1960, good luck on the 24th. I hope you will get a fair judge who will see your situation for what it is and will make things right. I'm glad you have all your documentation in order because that is what they want to see - not a bunch of "he said she said". I'll be thinking of you! Keep us posted.
I would definitely document
I would definitely document and hold on to it, but I can only imagine how hard it must be not to call her on her lies. Ughh - if there is one thing I can not stand more than anything else in the world, it's a liar!!
Learned something new
I like that you can confirm a message being recieved. That's cool. I would NOT let her in on that. There may be another much more suited time to drop that bomb.
Caitlin, I hope so much that everything goes your way, the right way, for that girl. I would love to be 'a fly on the wall' when you get that crazy lady in court.
How are things going with the divorce? How's the strawberry?
Always wishing you the best - Jo
I can't stand liars either
That's probably one of my biggest pet peeves too, New Stepmom. My biggest fear is that SD will learn this lovely trait from her mother. I did catch SD in one lie and although it was a minor little thing, it really got to me because I thought "oh my God, if she is this insistant on something that I KNOW not to be true, how many times has she lied to us and we believed her?" The thing that really gets to me is that BM constantly says that BF is a liar who can't be trusted and SD has bought into this garbage. It's crazy - BM doesn't let a day go by that she doesn't lie, but we don't pour that poison into SD's ear. We don't tell her every day that "Mommy's a liar" so BF pays. How fair is that? We just hold onto the hope that SD will one day see the light. I think a small part of her does already.
Little Jo, as for being a fly on the wall in court, I'll invite you to our court date and you can take a little field day. I think we only live a few hours apart!
Nothing new to report on the divorce yet. My poor fiance is so bogged down that he doesn't have a lot of time to do the legwork. I've been doing as much as I can for him, but HE has to go to the consultations, not me. He's consulted with 3 different lawyers so far, and they all SUCK! I've put in requests for 4 more to contact him, so hopefully we'll be retaining one very soon and get the ball rolling on this! The strawberry is lovely - I'm 6 months along and not even showing! I mean, I can tell, but friends and coworkers tell me that they can't even tell I'm pregnant - that I look maybe 3 months along, not 6. Go figure! I'm feeling pretty good. Just tiiiiiired!
Take care, ladies!