Am I being avoided?
I am not sure what to make of my boyfriends 16 year old daughter. She seems nice enough - she's polite and all that. But I am starting to believe that she is avoiding situations that include me.
My boyfriends kids are pretty much adults (16 yr old D being the youngest) and they all live at home with their mom a few miles from our house.
There isn't any set visitation - he goes to daughters games during the week, or he and his daughter will spontainiously decide to meet for lunch. I love that. The kids all have cell phones and can call or see their dad whenever they like. I think it's really important for him to have plenty of time with his daughter. I don't go along with him. I feel like she would probably like to see her dad - not so much me. ya know?!
Am I wrong here? I don't really know what 16yr old girls need from their dad. I SURE don't want to be the cause of any annomocity (sorry for the misspelling). I know he's trying to fit into her life. She's busy with school, soccer, boyfriend, friends...all that stuff. I just don't want her to avoid seeing him because she might run into me.
I know I am not forming a connection with his daughter. I really feel like I am missing out - and like I am not trying hard enough with her.
His 19 year old son and I are on pretty solid ground - and I am soooo thankful for that. He really makes me feel relaxed! But daughter seems like a nice person - I just feel like she would rather not speek / look at me. haha that sounds pretty bad. I am just sensitve! She probably doesn't even think of me at all! lol
Anyway - last night a bunch of friends got together for dinner at a restaurant and BF invited daughter and her bf to come along. She says she will drive over later. Later never comes. I don't say anything to BF about it because I feel like its my fault. Every time I say "it's my fault...." he says NO, it's not.
How true do you all think this is? I mean, I really DO feel like she is avoiding me. I would really love to get the truth.
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Ask her!
Why not just ask her? Next time you and she are in the same place, just let her know that you'd like to get to know her better and maybe become friends, but that if she'd rather not be around you, that's okay, too, you'd just like to know. I remember sixteen - hey, it was only twenty years ago! - and I remember not wanting to have anything to do with my dad or my stepmother. Or with my mother. Or with aunts, uncles, grandparents, sister, etc. Anyone, except my friends and boyfriends. It might just be her age and nothing more, so I wouldn't take it too personally. Dip your toe in, judge the water and play it by ear on a case by case basis. But he's right, it's not your fault.
~ Anne ~
Yeah, I remember not wanting
Yeah, I remember not wanting to be around my family that much when I was her age. Good point. I am think keeping this in mind will help me see her point of view a little better.
Thanks!!
Step back and take a look
You said that you're beginning to think that your SD is avoiding you...but from what you've said, it seems to me that you tend to make a habit of avoiding her. She might have not come because she recognizes this pattern and thought YOU would be uncomfortable around HER due to how you habitually avoid her otherwise. I'd suggest having a talk with her about it like Anne said. It's probably a misunderstanding, or just a teenager being a teenager. I wouldn't get too worked up about it, though. It's really not your fault and certainly nothing to beat yourself up over. I hope I don't offend, just trying to point out something you may not have considered.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
I see your point
Yes Nymh, I see your side. I know I dont make a lot of effort to put myself out there. The ball is in my court to reach out. Thanks for your insight.
I understand. SD avoids me too.
I've put a hell of a lot into my relationships with skids. Almost 15 years. They were 5 & 3 so there was a lot of baths, butts that needed wiping, scrapes that needed mending, tears that needed wiping and lots more. I did it all. Where did it get me? No where with SD and okay with SS.
But, will they take care of me when I'm old? I'm betting it all on NO. I really think that no matter what I do, I'll never be a significant person in their lives. SD would prefer I disappear and for no reason. She just simply hates me and I've done nothing to her. Just one day, poof, she hates me. Well, I know it has 99% to do with her mother alienating her from me, but it still hurts. SHE knows me. SHE knows what all I've done for her. Yet she chooses to ignore and reject it.
I don't have the answer. I just simpathize. I tried pushing myself on her for years and just got pushed back harder. Try it and see if you get anywhere. Hopefully so. But, I've now decided to give her the space she wants and it alieviates a lot of stress and conflict for me. I miss her -- or who she used to be. But, I really don't like who she is now and have no desire to be around her now. I just crave being around the kid I thought she was becoming before her mother ruined her.
I keep hope that someday some version of the good kid will return and recognize what I've been to her and want a good relationship, but I've reconciled myself to the fact that my hope may be a dream that never comes.
Being confident in knowing that you've done everything you can for the relationship is the best medicine. It's the old thing about fixing what you can and leaving the rest up to God. I can accept not having a relationship with her in the future if I know I don't have anything for which to blame myself. A relationship can only be as much as the person who wants the least out of it. And, I know that I'll always have my arms open to her if she ever comes around.