Disengagement step forward
In a former Post here, "I need strength..just venting", you know that I spent July 4th weekend alone, so that DH could go camping with SD, SIL, OSS, and his wife. I had a nice peaceful weekend and was happy to see DH come home. Everything went well for the week after, until yesterday, Friday morning. We were having a nice quiet breakfast and DH's cell phone begins beeping. I just knew SD was texting him about this weekend; yep I was right. SD wanted to know if DH was again going to join them for camping with our camper. Of course I told DH I didn't like him taking "every" weekend to spend time with his grown kids, just because SD and I are disengaged.
Just a bit of disengagement history; Christmas, DH spent with SD and OSS and families, at SD's for dinner; I spent Christmas with my elderly Father. Since, there has been two dinners at SD's (just up the street), a BBQ, and then this camp trip on July 4th and then asking again this weekend. Because I disengaged, of course I was not invited to any of these events, which I expected....but I don't expect DH to spend every holiday and weekend with the "flying monkey SD".
Now SD has decided this disengagement is a way of getting even with me, because DH and I are getting our marriage back together and working thru all of our disagreements, which are all SD. SD56 is very mad because we are doing well and I totally disengaged from her.
Yesterday, was a bad day, because I told DH that SD was doing this more often and was enjoying taking all of our holidays and spare time; thus DH was letting her do it and was also engaging in the aggressive behavior. DH of course defended SD and threw the disengagement in my face.
This morning, I decided to move one more step into my disengagement with SD, to put an end to her newest BS. Last night, after we ended our heated discussion, DH had ask me to go to camp with him, today, for a few hours, just to visit; we would not spend the night at camp, but drive home (30 minute drive) after a visit with OSS, wife, SD, and SIL. I told DH I would sleep on it. Over delightful coffee, I agreed to go to camp today, with DH, and work on this first step of being around SD56 and be civil, but NOT engage with her. I will never go back on my disengagement, ever!
We packed a nice picnic with cold drinks and took our jeep and made the beautiful drive to camp. When we drove into camp (our camper is there also and set up), SD sat for 30 minutes, away from all of us, texting on her cell phone; then she got up from her camp chair and went into her camper and never came out for 3 1/2 hours, while we visited; she was still in her camper, when we left to drive home. She didn't even tell her father goodbye. I was very relaxed and visiting with OSS, DIL, and SIL. I get along well with them. DH was very upset and disappointed that his princess would act so rude. He never said a word and neither did I mention the actions; I actually enjoyed SD showing her true colors.
It was a beautiful drive, lovely picnic, good company (with SD's exit), and a nice drive home. We went out to dinner and are now sitting and having a nice cool night cap.
Just posting my experience, because I felt I had to take another step further into my disengagement, which I didn't think I would ever be able to swallow and actually do. With that said, I will continue to stay away from SD and stay disengaged. I will continue to be the one that decides whether I am around any of my skids in the future. Now I also know that SD will try to get around this; but I find it is easier, for me, to handle it this way for two reasons. I am in control of my emotions, my disengagement, and it will be my decision whether I join DH or stay home; it won't be SD or DH's decision.
DH said that he enjoyed me going with him. DH knows and realizes his DD's actions are wrong; but he will never admit it. He doesn't have to admit it to me, he knows that I know. I showed DH that I was the bigger person today and it infuriated SD.
"where there's a will, there's a way" }:)
Ignore the whore. Works here
Ignore the whore. Works here perfectly.
Awesome! You chased the
Awesome! You chased the squirrel back into her nest.
Well played. Keep throwing
Well played. Keep throwing the curveballs at SD and setting her up to bare her own ass to daddy and everyone else.
Classic. I love a good news story where the toxic blended family idiots bare their own asses.
Very interesting article.
Very interesting article. One important thing the author brings up in the beginning: " ---- the biological parent needs to decide to BELIEVE THEIR SPOUSE that there is a problem, because their partner SAYS so." The article goes on to say that it is the bio parent's duty to demonstrate to their child that the step parent holds an equal position to them in the marriage.
In my heart I believe that disengagement is NOT the ideal solution for stepfamily conflicts, but when the bio parent does not respect the step parent enough to believe them or treat them as an equal partner in the stepfamily, disengagement becomes the less painful option. As with many of the SMs on this site, showing SD that we are equal partners is something my DH never seemed to have the courage to accomplish. In the long run, it would have been a lot easier on all of us.
^^^Amen to this^^^ I lost
^^^Amen to this^^^ I lost mine. I did get it back after the divorce. LOL.
This WAS an amazing article.
This WAS an amazing article. When things first went sour with SD (after 10 years where I thought we were very close), thie pictures in this article are remarkably close to the pictures i was drawing in the counselor's office. They are exactly what I was trying to get DH to understand. And no, he did not BELIEVE there was an issue until things were very very bad.
Sammy, you have done a wonderful job for many years (as have so many on this site). Thank you for sharing...it keeps me hopeful about the future.
Good for you, Sammi! SD's
Good for you, Sammi! SD's actions were immature and rude. As you mentioned, you KNOW he saw it. I sincerely hope this changes the dynamics in your relationship with DH.
HAHAHA!!!! I love it.
HAHAHA!!!! I love it.
Your posts made me smile.
Your posts made me smile. Thanks to everyone for your support. Excellent article! I am going to print this out for DH. DH and I bonded from day one and it was like a honeymoon for twenty-one (21) years, until SD56 moved to the same town 15 years ago. SD has always moved where we moved in the past 36 years; but this last move, she decided I needed to "pack up and leave, so that her Dad could go back to his family life". Those were her exact words and she is giving it everything she's got, especially the past two years.
I don't know where this came from, but DH was allowing it to go on, until a year ago, when I booted him to SD's house. Now DH has chosen to behave, because he doesn't want to live outside his comfortable home. Those were his exact words "I want to live in my comfortable home". I informed DH, no problem, but here are the new boundaries; we have been going from that point until now.
This past weekend has definitely shown DH that I was not all wrong, as he had indicated. He has never uttered a word of SD's actions, from yesterday, and I have not brought it up. It all spoke for itself.
I am going to keep this article and give it to DH, the next time SD rears her ugly tricks. I am tired of battling this; it is not necessary for us to live like this and DH knows that, we agree on that. It will be up to DH to handle it in the future and he has been trying to keep it between the lines this past year. We are better now, than we have been since SD moved here.
I also know that this will never end; SD always has to have the last word or in this case the last "Ace up the sleeve". I will take care of it, as it comes, on my part. I don't plan revenge and I don't usually even try to get even. I will just be straight up and continue to handle the situation as needed. SD has no idea how I can fight for something that I want; I want my marriage.
It just happened to fall into place so perfectly yesterday. }:)
Good work Sammi! My
Good work Sammi!
My disengagement from SS is totally different. SS would LOVE to be in my life. It's me who doesn't want him.
As I've posted many times he's a drunk who has violent rages. But even if he sobered up someday I just do not like who he is. He is truly the most self centered selfish person I've ever come across. He cares nothing about hurting others - physically or verbally.
One small example. My DH has bad teeth - not decayed but he should have had braces. One moved so much that it almost fell out, and he's getting an implant.
SS of course has perfect teeth as DH sacrificed to make sure he had braces - and then had to get him several implants (expensive as hell) as a few weeks after getting his braces off SS gets in one of his very violent fights and gets his front teeth knocked out.
DH is mildly self conscious about his teeth. SS will make fun of him (in front of strangers) and say things like "Wow what's happening with that tooth. You look ridiculous." And that's while not drunk.
Anyway I escaped SS today by a hair. He was coming to bring something to DH - not sure what - don't care. I decided to the grocery store and was backing out of the driveway as he and GF drove up. I waved and went on my way. Funny - I felt compelled to walk up and down every aisle of the grocery store - multiple times for some. They were gone when I got back. I only had 3 little bags of groceries for all of that shopping.
I would never say any such
I would never say any such thing to my Dad! There is no sensitivity in your SS. Why would anyone be so mean?
I think you have one
I think you have one especially brilliant statement in your post - "be around SD56 and be civil but not engage with her." And this is what these adult children seem to be incapable of doing. It is all or nothing, at least with my SKs. I don't care what they think of me, we will never again have an engaged relationship, and I no longer care, but there is absolutely no reason that they cannot demonstrate the same basic level of courtesy that you would expect from, and provide to, say, the counter clerk at McDonalds. Bravo Sammi.
I have paid close attention;
I have paid close attention; SD is a jealous and controlling person and hates me because I am independent and could care less what she is doing. If she could separate the personal issues and just be civil, it would work; but she will never be able to do so.
You are right, in regards to courtesy. I respond to the way I am treated, which I truly am a believer in. If you treat someone with respect and courtesy, you will receive a positive response. When SD shows bad manners and disrespect to anyone, it just tells what type of person she really has become.
Not my problem, I still will never have words with her; because that would play into her hand.
Agree. And that's the issue
Agree. And that's the issue with a lot of these skids. They treat people like shit and their parents are so afraid of them they won't discipline them, and they allow it. They grow up into people who continue to treat people poorly and disrespectfully. They were never taught as children...and a lot of them aren't being taught as adults either.
They also have no compassion
They also have no compassion for any circumstance. It amazes me the small world they live in.
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Everyone has their own
Everyone has their own camper, that is not a problem and never has been. In fact they all have nicer campers than we do. SD's goal was for DH to go camping with them "every" weekend and leave me home; they were taking advantage of my disengagement; therefore, I rearranged my disengagement so to spend time with DH. I don't mind him spending every other weekend camping without me; but SD was making it a point to set something up every weekend, so I was to sit home alone. That has been nipped.
The problem is SD is jealous of our marriage and is doing everything she can think of to make it miserable for us. Actually, at this point, with my disengagement, she is making DH miserable; it is not bothering me, because I really don't care, once I made the mental break from SD.
Yes. Thanks for your support
Yes. Thanks for your support Sally!
I feel bad for you, because
I feel bad for you, because there is no reason we can't all be mature and adult in our meetings. The problem with my SD56 is control. She really hates me, because I am in control of my own life and always have been. SD has never had a say in my decisions or my life.
I have the theory; "live and let live". I only concern myself with my issues; I don't stick my nose into other people's issues. If everyone would do that, we would all get along well, in this dysfunctional family.