Are you disengaged from your dh or from your skids? Because it sounds more like from dh. After 36 years of marriage you two should be finishing eachother's thoughts before they are even said, not finding out about a trip he is going on in 3 days that has been planned for two weeks. How does he know you don't have plans for the two of you.

I think its perfectly fine to be disengaged from skids, but you still have to have the communication with your dh.

Please note, I'm a newlywed of just over a year, things are still all rainbows and glitter for us.

This would totally hurt my feelings too but if it was me I would start planning a relaxing weekend right away and don't give the two of them head space anymore.

Go do something that you would never typically do just to change it up a bit because if you don't want to leave you have to figure out how to stay.

My feelings would be hurt. Go pamper yourself while they are gone.

I'm wondering what type of disability DH has? Who is going to care for him this weekend?
With you doing it all these years, I'm sure you have a system. Maybe this weekend it will be clear to DH just how much you do for him and how much he needs you.

It sounds like he's being very childish and trying to teach you a lesson. Do what the others have suggested and treat yourself this weekend.

No, you are not wrong in thinking that this should have been discussed with you before now. I can't imagine anybody I know ditching their spouse on a holiday to spend it with their grown ass daughter. Unless it was an incredibly unhappy marriage.

I do understand why you stay with your husband, but personally, I think he's an ass.

Why don't you change the locks while he is gone and then not be at home when he wants to come back. }:) }:) }:)

He deserves a kick in that disabled ass.

Goodness yes he should have discussed it with you. He should have asked you how you wish dot spend the holiday, and then only if you did not want to do anything should he have broached the possibility of the trip. His move was cowardly, and I suspect it was because he knew his behavior was wrong.

I suspect the SD would have advised him not to say anything earlier and he is obviously weak. His behaviour is wrong, we all know he should have discussed it with you.

Since he hasn't you have a couple of days to play their game. I would personally be on the phone to a couple of friends or family members who know your situation and would play along with having a conversation within ear shot of DH of course , about things to do over the weekend he is away. Throw in some out of town trip ideas, don't hold back lol. When he asks what are you doing this weekend, which he will do if he has heard the conversation, just fob him off with oh nothing definite right now...something along those lines.

Definitely take the time he is away to enjoy yourself, even if it's time alone, spa, movie, dinner out or takeaway at home, but enjoy the peace.

I too understand why you stay, but you must try to not let their games affect you. Concentrate on yourself and do what makes you happy. I don't know what your interests are but it's a good place to start if you want to join some clubs , gardening clubs, book clubs , senior clubs where they do regular outings and go to events, join them and go have fun without DH and SD, you deserve it.

So, you are DH's caregiver? time to really disengage from him. If he is capable of making plans for a getaway for a holiday weekend, he is capable of taking care of himself. Stop caring for him, cooking for him whatever it is you do for him,

He is now your roomate. Nothing more and nothing less.

I also agree, make fabulous plans for this weekend, and next weekend and the one after that.

Completly disengage. Live your own life, together but seperate.

I am sorry, he is an a$$.

I think he should have asked you first if you'd be OK with it.

Enjoy your alone time. He'll be having a miserable time with his battle-axe daughter.

Would your dh consider relocating?

One up them and go away on your own without telling him. Do not be home when he returns and come back a day or two later. He will freak out. sorry for your heartache.

You should tell him you've thought about it and are happy he's going to spend sometime with family and that they are all going away.
Then put on a great big smile, sing a tune under your breath and go on with your day.
Let him wonder what you're so happy about. If he and SD want to talk about you, give them something to speculate on!

Response to DH: Sorry, you need to tell me earlier if you are going to take the RV. I have plans and will be taking the RV (THAT I PAY FOR!!!!!) for the weekend. You are welcome to join me but I am using the RV whether you join me or not."

End of problem. Disengagement does not mean zero communication. If anything your disengagement puts the onus of communication firmly on DH. He needs to keep his wife abreast of all information that will have impact on his wife and her life. PERIOD!!!!

Of course this goes both ways but for this instance... take the RV and have fun on your own. Leave DH and his toxic AARP aged spawn to figure it out for themselves.

Happy 4th!!!!

Sammi, as you well know, your problems are much bigger than this instance.

Fundamentally you are in a loveless marriage. While you may have had many years of marital bliss, your DH has shown you where his primary affection and loyalty is NOW. It's not you! You can disengage from SD all you want, but your DH isn't disengaging from her nor will he - he's disengaged from you.

I know this is a vent post on your part and we can all sympathize with how hurtful this kind of behavior is. But. The only person in control of your life is you. You are clearly unhappy with your life. I also understand it's a very scary prospect to think of what you might face without the same level of financial security you currently have.

I have one hypothetical question for you: How much is your life worth? Seriously. Put a dollar amount on it.

Imagine you were being held hostage - and the demand was that in order to let you go unharmed, you had to give up your current lifestyle and your marriage to DH. If you did not, you would be immediately shot. What would your answer be?

I know what mine would be if I were in your situation. I'd rather have a week of freedom than the remainder of my life in indentured servitude.

None of us knows how long we will be on this earth. The hypothetical "shot" could easily be you having a stroke or heart attack and then all bets are off. I am doubtful your DH would give YOU the same care that you give him. Not sure if you have biokids of your own or not but if it were solely up to your DH, I think he'd dump you the first available place he could find.

Is your life only worth the financial benefits you get from staying in a loveless marriage with a man who has obviously disconnected from you and sees you as nothing more than his live-in maid and caregiver? You have my sincere sympathy if you think that's all you are worth.

I am so sorry. When my ss48 moved two minutes from us, it is what put the nail in the coffin for our marriage. All of a sudden dh had to be his ds best hangout buddy. He was gone about 5 days a week hanging out with his ds because his ds is a jerk and no one can stand him and as a result has no friends. Our marriage ended and my ex is still his hang out buddy and his ds calls him all day long. I also tried disengaging but my dh wanted his ds to think that everyone loved him and insisted that I participate in activities with his ds even though he was extremely rude to me.

I know exactly what you are going through. My best advice is just to ignore the two of them. Instead of feeling badly of your dh rudeness. Rub the situation in their face by saying "you are so glad they are going off. You really need some alone time and time to catch up with dear friends." Mention one of your dh's best place to go and say that you will be going there with so and so. Also, if at all possible plan to be away a day longer than what your dh is intending to be away. It will stink for him to come back to an empty house. Once you know he is home, call him and tell him that you are having such a good time that you have decided to stay a day longer, even if you have to rent a motel room and be all by yourself. When you get home, say nothing of what you did, other than to say that you had such a wonderful time, that maybe the next holiday that comes your dh can go camping again with his dd. Better yet, offer to make the camping reservation for him way in advance. Tell him that it will guaranteed and it will allow you to make better plans for your time alone.

It irks me to no end that these adult babies are being doted on continuously. Show your dh that you can have a great time without him.

Sammi, your DH is an inconsiderate jerk. And that's the nicest thing I can say.

You say you're 'comfortable financially'. Well, start browsing and find somewhere to take a mini vacation for the holiday weekend. It's not too late. Return a day or two after the jerk. You could have a friend check the house daily for mail, to water the plants, etc.

Labor Day weekend is 9 weeks away. PLAN NOW. Take a trip with friends, take a trip by yourself. TAKE THE CAMPER. It doesn't matter if you park that camper somewhere and pay for it to sit there and mold.

If you plan to stay with your DH, you may want to consider that, from here on out, you will be on your own on every holiday. Lady, I don't know how you do it. {{{{HUGS}}}}

OMG...he asked you to go along??? LOL!!!

Hi Sammi, I too can really relate to what has happened. The secrecy that our DHs maintain about their DKs is truly disheartening. I really admire your ability to discuss with DH exactly what the issue with his behavior is, and your ability to stay clear-headed in the face of it all. Hopefully you will have a wonderful time this weekend, and he will drop the secrecy, at least for a while.

Why do they keep having "blow ups" once a month? Why did dh put this together? is it because he needs "family time", or is it because he is trying to manipulate and control you, using his daughter and the time he spends with her as a source of contention just to stir you up? He knew damn well he should have told you sooner...He is just baiting you to engage with him by trying to piss you off. I bet he doesn't even really want to go at all.

It is a head game sammigirl. He is using himself as a trophy/and a form of punishment by playing you against his daughter. As long as he can keep you engaged and offended about his time together with her, he has your attention (even though it is negative) it is attention none the less...(just like a 2 year old). He knows your buttons after 35 years of marriage, and he know she is one of them. He is just using her to get at you. That is why they are having such consistent blow ups...they really do not enjoy each other...His daughter is just using her time with him to piss you off, and as a venue to cross as many boundaries as she can to show you who is in control...

Let them have each other. They will implode. My dh does this same head game. Until I took back the space in my own head. He would do anything to piss me off to get me engage with him Attention seeking behaviors...

If it were me, i would think of what do I really enjoy doing, that I either never have, or rarely get to do. Then, I would find someone else to enjoy that activity with and have a wonderful holiday. Unfortunately for dh and ad56, they will be stuck with each other for the entire weekend. He doesn't want to live in a camper all weekend anymore than she wants to take care of him. Let them have what they pretend they are striving for. Time with each other. then watch it blow up...because it will. When they see they have lost you for an audience to their stupid head games, they will be stuck with each other. You, on the other hand will be taking control of your life and enjoying what makes you happy instead of focusing on them. I would not be available for any of them to contact you in any way. I would disappear without discussing it with dh at all. I would get someone to take care of the dogs and go do something you have always wanted to do. preferably with a friend..

Your dh is just using his daughter because he has triangulated the marriage relationship to include her as a source of sustaining power over you...since you no longer responded to him at one time, and called him out when he threatened to go and live with her...He found out then, that that is not what he really wanted. So, now he is punishing you by constantly using her to reproach you, instead of communicating through the issues with you like an adult.

Unfortunately, he is giving his daughter a sense of entitlement and power that crosses your marital lines, giving her the false sense of security that she is so important in his life, when, in fact, he is just using her...

i hope you can see through this and you have the best fourth of july ever!...celebrating your freedom from this unhealthy co-dependent relationship. While you are disengaged in one sense, he still has control over the space in your head and he is playing you to feed his own narcissistic supply of having two women fight over spending time with him. Because time with him defines who he loves best. His ego gets stroked while he pretends to be the victim in the middle...Happy Fourth!...Peace.