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Fiance is backing out because of my son with Cognitive Disorder. Help Please.

Eztrakman's picture

Im a single dad with full custody of my 2 boys. Have been since 2000. My ex does not pay support. She drank while pregnant, behind my back with my second son. He has whats called Fetal alcohol effects. Its a cognitive disorder. Learning is slow, social skills are delayed, but orally hes a brilliant kid. He has a heart of gold, and loves God and wants to live for him. He sees his dad leading single parent groups and all the "divorce recovery" classes i went to and helped lead in my church. Hes a good kid. just slower.

I met a beautiful woman that i actually knew since 1st grade about 1.5 yrs ago. I asked her to marry me not too far back, and now I feel shes trying to sabotage the relationship, because she does not want to commit to a marriage that may have my son around the house longer than normal. She thinks that hes going to live with us for life, and she doesnt feel comfortable with that.

Heres our last text conversation. Hers then my reply.

Her: Again, God can heal. (**My sons name**) capacities have been explained to you. Those with special needs learn compensatory skills to help them. The reality is he is limited and if this was all something he could overcome he wouldn't have a diagnosis that he does. I hope you understand that non of my words are to come across as hurtful. We are not on the same page regarding this and that's not bad, we each have a right to our opinion. The differences between our perce ption of reality is my greatest concern and why I don't think things will work out between us.

Me: I'm sorry u feel that way. I'm goin2continue praying4U. 4someone where God has given many talents&gifts2teach&help those who R challenged, it breaks my heart2CUof all people even thinking of walking away&the chance to become a true team together4God4life. I'm not dumb. It could mean adjustment that you just didn't want to compromise. A fear of the unknown. Statisticians and doctors are human. God made (**My son**). (**My son**) is not a threat. He's a good kid, with a heart of gold, that never had a mom to talk to about daily life. Part of a healthy relationship includes comprises, acceptance, and unselfishness. I engage with (**her kids names**) and (**name**) a lot, and I love those boys, as I love you. I genuinely accept all 3 of you. That's what God calls me to do. I may not have shown it 100% of the time, but I kno that's what God wants, and its a goal. I'm asking you to truly seek what is right, in your heart, and I pray that The Holy Spirit comforts you in the direction of Gods Will, not Mine.


ok... am I wrong?

realitycheckmom's picture

If she has concerns nothing you say or do will change that. You may wear her down but these fears will come back and she will walk out later.

wheretoturn's picture

So, she just now figured out that helping raise a special needs child is going to be an issue for her or that she won't be able to commit in the same way as the kids father?

How completely unfair to him and his children. fall in love, accept proposal, then back out? Cowardly. Just cowardly.

OP, be thankful you haven't tied the knot yet.

Disneyfan's picture

That's not being cowardly. She being honest with herself and the OP.

That's better than ignoring her feelings and getting married because she's afraid of hurting the OP.

Aeron's picture

I have to agree with Dtzy here, your response does come off like something meant to guilt her into doing what you want. Which, even if it works, will not work out well for anyone involved.

I'm curious about you feeling the need to specifically tell her that your son is not a threat. Is she concerned that he is or is going to become violent? Or is the threat she's perceiving just the amount of time and care he is likely to require? If she perceives him as a physical threat to her or her children, and your perception is heart of gold,really good kid, there are several possible realities. Her fear could be completely unfounded, or she could be seeing some red flag behaviors that you've maybe missed. I don't know, but something to consider.

Have you two talked about the expectations around what roles each of you would be filling following a marriage? She may also be concerned that she will be expected to fulfill the majority of the parenting responsibilities for your special needs son, which with different perspectives on his abilities and realities could become a huge nightmare for her. It could also make her feel like she will be unable to devote the amount of time to her own children that she feels the need to.

I don't think anyone is Wrong here. I think she is by correct that a large difference in the perception of reality, whether its about a child, God, or whatever, can lead to a failed relationship. I think she's being very kind by telling you this before a marriage and being so honest.

I think you are correct that the statements from her could be from fear of the unknown or an unwillingness to compromise.

I also think that your willingness and ability to engage with her children has no bearing on this and comes across as manipulative. The roles and trials of a stepmother can be extremely different than that of a stepfather, mostly because of a Vast difference in the expectations for the two roles. It's also rather unfair to compare what you do or are capable of with her. In many ways that's like saying that you can bench press 400lbs, so you don't see why she can't.

She's being honest with you and you say she's backing out. Let her. She's telling you there is a problem that she doesn't see as able to be fixed. If she doesn't see the possibility, there's nothing you can do about it. She's telling you what she's capable of and willing to do. I'm very sorry if that makes you unhappy. I am very sorry if you feel it is a slight to your child. But consider what life would really be for you and your son for you to have a partner that is not and will not be on the same page as you.

Eztrakman's picture

I want to thank you all for your comments. Nothing taken bad. i needed to hear all of it. Am i hurt, yes. i need to do everything I can to help my son.

Reading all this was hard to swallow, but I did.

Ya, i was wrong.

She tried nicely to answer honestly. I gotta respect that.

Thank You all for just being honest. Thats all I wanted.