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Holding back tears

StepMomToBe1925's picture

I've always hidden my emotions and stuffed my feelings. I am a child of divorce which both parents re-married. The life I live now, with my fiance and his two kids is very stressful. I don't have the means to leave and don't know for sure if I should. I have this connection with him that runs deep and I love him so much. He has his flaws, but he had a very rough life before me. He is pretty much an over grown child, but has a heart of gold, a good sense of humor, can cook like a champ, he is strong, and is a damaged soul. He doesn't know how to be a grown up, but I didn't see that until we moved in together. I don't want to leave, but sadly one of his biggest flaws is that I can't tell him how I feel without him playing the victim. He takes it all personally. I can't imagine life without him though. He is my best friend and I hold back tears as I type this because even thinking about leaving my love hurts me. I've never really been one to take care of myself though. I have always put everyone else first. I just do. I know that won't change. I suppose this is my future then, why bother whining about it...I don't want sympothy, I want empathy. Someone tell me you understand and that I'm not just pathetic....


Disneyfan's picture

Stop it!!!!

Cry, scream and yell if you must. Once you get it all out, think about what is best for YOU. Then ask yourself why this great man is with a woman so much younger than he is? Why is he with a woman who doesn't have the means or support system to get away from him?

A woman his age would not give him the time of day. A woman your age with a promising career and strong support system wouldn't blink an eye at him.

You are not stuck. Call your parents. If you were an ass when you were living them, apologize. AND MEAN IT

Tell them moving in with this guy was a mistake. Ask if you can move back home. When you ask, HAVE A SOLID MOVE OUT DATE to present to them. If you have to work 2 fast food jobs in order to meet that deadline, do it.

If you or your parents live in an area where some city and/or state employees are hired based on scores on written exams, take every exam that comes up. Here in NYC those exams are testing basic math and literacy skills.

You are not stuck. Getting tona place where you can support yourself on your own will be hard work, but it is worth it.


oneoffour's picture

There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first. Or are you Florence Nightingale, rushing in and taking care of everyone except yourself?

Honey, he plays the victim because it is how he has learned to get what he wants. He has a drivers license? So he is responsible for not driving like an idiot and killing people. If he can manage this then he can be an adult.

Your best friend does not make you miserable. Your best friend puts you before themselves. The man of your dreams is often that, a dream and not a reality.

Thousands of people have had tough childhoods but have turned themselves around and had productive lives. Think about the addicts who turn their backs on their old lives and push through to new lives.

Contact your parents. Let them know you have made a huge mistake and want somewhere to stay for a while. Because being with the best cook in the world will not have your back or think about you first. Yes he is flawed. But these are his flaws to fix because you cannot do it for him.

still learning's picture

You had a dysfunctional childhood so naturally you gravitated to a dysfunctional situation with this man. You stuffed your feelings as a child and took care of everyone and you're doing the exact same thing in this relationship. We all unconsciously choose partners that we are comfortable with and situations that will recreate our own childhood family situation. The reason you feel that you "have this connection with him that runs deep" is because you're reliving the past through him. You're probably also thinking that you can fix his "damaged soul" and make him and his children love you. If you're successful then you'll have healed all the wounds of your childhood.

The problem with the above is that comfortable does not always equal healthy. Your fiance was drowning in his situation before he met you and now he's taking you down with him. You'll never be able to fix him or his children and healing yourself in this situation will be impossible. Fiance needs to learn how to grow up, be a man and a father. You're enabling his childish behavior by trying to take care of HIS life and responsibilities for him.

My big sisterly advice would be to take a break from the situation so that you can get a job, school, training, etc and take care of yourself first. Also get some counseling so you can really see how you're diving head first into situations that mirror your childhood drama. Hopefully with some awareness you'll make healthier decisions in the future.

BethAnne's picture

A couples therapist might be able to help you two to communicate more productively and healthily.

ETA: i just read the other replies, it seems I might be missing some context here. Getting yourself a support system around you and the ability to support yourself if you need to gives you options to truely judge if you want to stay in this relationship and should be done no matter what so that your decision is an active one based on your choices not one based on your needs when you feel you are backed into a corner.