You are here

is it ever appropriate to break it down to a skid that you arent their mom and you owe them nothing?

PeanutandSons's picture

Stepmom-in-hiding's post about mother daughter activities made me think of this. I've thought it before and just kind of pushed it out of my head..mostly because I think it when I am super frustrated with my own skids attitudes.

Bottom line....I am not their mom. As much as we all pretend that we are a nuclear family....we aren't. They have moms, and its not me. I am, however, the one and only mom to by bio sons.

I do what I do for them because I chose to....there is no obligation for me to do anything. So their ungreatful give me more attitudes seriously great on me. My kids are my kids....and they are not.

Is there and age or a circumstance where its appropriate to just explain to them the straight reality of the situation?

Using stepmom-in-hidings post as an example....would it be acceptable for her to explain to SD that SD is not her daughter and she will not be included in mother daughter activities every time they do them. That she loves SD and SD is part of the family...but that does not make SD her daughter.

It just seems like all this pretending is so counter productive sometimes and if we could just lay it all out we would have bless issues.

PeanutandSons's picture

Well, actually in my situation they don't have active mothers. They have mothers..but they live full time with us. Which is why I haven't said anything of the sort to them like this.

But it seems like so many people problems could be fixed with a simple honest conversation. All this pretending is just confusing these kids more and causing the stepparent so much stress.

PeanutandSons's picture

They are ten and eleven. I wouldn't have this conversation with them now.... But I have a feeling its going to come as these teenage attitudes get worse.

RedWingsFan's picture

If the kids are mature enough and you feel they'd be better off with a conversation like that, I'd do it.

step off already's picture

Really good topic. i'm going to watch this one.

I have feelings on both sides of this one, so it will be interesting.

3familiesIn1's picture

I had to lay that out to DH, exactly like that. He was going on and on about how I do things with my daughters and I should be including SD in everything I do with my daughters.

I simply pointed out to him WHY??? Why aren't my children entitled to some mom time alone to do mom things with their MOM just like SD does with her MOM. Why does SD have to double dip on anything and everything?? That seemed to put it into perspective.

SD has a mom, my bios have a mom. My bios should be entitled to the same time with their mom (ME) as SD has with her mom (BM) I do not exclude SD from all activities but I see no reason to have to plan my daughter time around SD's visitation either.

hismineandours's picture

I have had this discussion with my ssstb15. It was probably when he was about 11, maybe 12. It was not meant as a conflictual discussion, but me explaining to him that the things I do for him are because I really want to do things for him-I am not obligated in anyway but essentially I do them because I care about him kind of thing. I wanted him to try and grasp that I was just not going through the motions of doing things for him because i was his "stepmom" but I was doing them because I really wanted to.

Yeah, it went over his head. It was one of those last ditch efforts on my part to have some sort of relationship with the little shit. Me, almost pleading with him, to quit being a completely freaky psycho ass so that I could continue to do things for him and that we had a shot at a harmonious home. So, it was shortly thereafter that I stopped doing most things for him. When I did do an occassional thing there was never any thanks, appreciation, or acknowledgement given ever. So, that why now, at this point, I have not seen nor spoke to the kid in 9 months.

oldone's picture

I think the above reference to adoption was valid. Most (if not all) people say that adoption should be openly discussed and never be held secret.

Secrets, lies and pretense don't make for good relationships. Honesty is the best policy although that is not an excuse to use facts in a cruel manner.

Unless BM is totally out of the picture (like never is seen or heard from) there is a mother out there. It's silly to pretend that you are the parent when you are not. That does not mean that you cannot be a loving caretaker. But the SM is rarely viewed as "Mom". Nobody but the dad ever even seems to want that.

If a SM is trying to be mom several thing usually happen 1) it's never enough for dad - he always expects more than you are doing 2) the kids rarely appreciate it 3) BM gets pissed that you are overstepping.

In my opinion you should always be open that you are not Mom. Pretending and living in a fantasy scheme where you pretend that you are the mom just just that pretense and fantasy - not healthy.