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Finally had a sit down with BD

Arisca's picture

Its been almost 2 weeks since my daughter left after the fight she and my DH had. It was decided by her, her BioD, my mother and my sister that she would now live with BioD and stay at my Mother's house since its closer to her school. (Thanks for including me in the decisions)

Well yesterday my daughter and I finally got a chance to sit down and have a talk face to face. At first she was very angry because when I spoke about her behavior she automatically got upset and said I was defending my DH...I said nope its all about admitting where we all went wrong...anyway as we kept talking she admitted that things got out of hand because she told so many people what happened and they are angry at me and now she doesn't know what to do but go along with them because if she doesn't things will be bad for me. So now she just has to wait for everything to blow over.

Apparently she wants to come home and deal with the situation as a family but now that her dad, my mother and sister are involved and pretty much "making allll the decisions". She begged them not to get the cops involved and they made a deal with her...if she stays living with them then they won't involve the courts or cops but if she comes back home they will call the cops.

Seriously...this feels like a f*#king nightmare. I understand that everyone has concerns and rightly so but if BioDad is mentioning him not having to pay CS anymore then what is his main concern??? My sister is 24 years old a complete HOT HEAD has 2 kids and a 3rd on the way living in my mother's 1BR with her own set of problems so I really think she should be focusing on her own issues before she starts trying to "fix my life". My mother a d i dont havr a good relationship and she just goes along with everything my sister says so...WTF!!!!

I think I just need to take a step back and be away from everyone and focus on my own family...but how on earth am I supposed to do that with my daughter bouncing back and forth between them...


Pear's picture

You have kept your BD in a home with an abusive step parent. Of course she has problems. Either step up and be a responsible parent or let your daughter live somewhere safe.

If she has to behave a particular way to not set him off, then he has no business being in a house with children. Think about what you are teaching her about relationships. She will model marriage by what she grows up with. Walking on eggshells because there is a hothead in the house is a horrible, damaging message to send.

ntm's picture

You are not providing a safe home for her. You need to choose which relationship is more important. I hope you make the right choice.

Disneyfan's picture

"She begged them not to get the cops involved and they made a deal with her...if she stays living with them then they won't involve the courts or cops but if she comes back home they will call the cops."

Kudos to your mother, sister and ex for putting your child first. Hopefully, they will still involve the courts and cops. That way your youngest children will be removed from your home as well.

If YOU want to stay with that abusive jerk, great. But your kids should not be forced to live in that house.

Powerfamily's picture

Why is it more important to you for your daughter to come back to your abusive home then it is for YOU to leave your abusive husband.

Do you want your daughter and other children to go on and either have abusive relationships or be abusive like your husband.

I don't care how apologetic your husband, or how sorry he is. He not sorry or apologetic enough to leave and get help is he.

What do you think going to happen when your younger children reach your daughter age, do you think they are not going to act out.

I hope your daughter continues to stay away from your household for her own safety.

I'm sorry to say as much as you are praying, asking for god's help unless YOU get up and actually do something about this situation nothing will change except your husband will get more violent and abusive to your children and you.

I do not understand why you are so passive, other that your husband has conditioned you to be so.

Cooooookies's picture

Your home situation is so bad that child services were involved and your family is gunning to call the police if your daughter returns home to you.

Read, read and re-read that again and again until it sinks in.

You need to decide which relationship is more important to you: your children or your abuser.

If it's your abuser then let your other children live with your other family members as well. Save them the hell that your daughter went through. Let your family teach them what a healthy, supportive family unit looks like. Teach them what NOT to put up with in a relationship.

If you can't do that right now, then at least let someone else do it. Don't let your personal life destroy your children's lives.

Or take your children and leave your abuser. Save all of you. Be a parent first and foremost...and then get yourself and your children some much needed counselling to help all of you heal from what's been happening for the past several years.

STOP making excuses for what he does. There is never an excuse for abuse. Ever.

BethAnne's picture

You need to stop being with a man that would hit your daughter. That is what you need. What would you do if any other person hit your daughter????? You would keep them away from your daughter, right??? Just because you love your husband are you saying hat when your 14 year old daughter got a bit hit headed your husband gets a pass for hiring a 14 year old child ....twice???? Your daughter’s family are stepping in and doing what you cannot right now because you are blinded by love, obligation and fear.

Your daughter is telling you what you want to hear as she does not want to upset you. You are the adult though and need to have a broader perspective. Your daughter is not happy or safe in your household. She is much better off living with her biodad until you get the sense to leave your husband. This dies not mean you have failed, it just means that you are doing what is right for your daughter. It takes a stronger parent to realize that their situation is not ideal than it does to blindly press on because kids should live with their mothers or because your sense if family involves your daughter being miserable and under threat of violence should she loose her temper.

Let her live with her father. Help her not to feel guilt with her decision to protect herself.

twoviewpoints's picture

" I understand that everyone has concerns and rightly so but if BioDad is mentioning him not having to pay CS anymore then what is his main concern???"

Of course he isn't going to pay you CS. You don't have the child. He will need his cash in his own home as he has the child and he may need to give GMa cash for when GMa feeds the child and other expenses. Of course the topic has been brought up. No one is going to pay you CS. Dad needs to get his CS order stopped and get one where you pay with CS now. Both the custody and CS need to be changed. It is a legitimate subject of concern that needs tended to.

It is a good thing that Dad is working with GMa to bring a safe and stable environment for your daughter. She needs a stable safe place where she can focus on school, perhaps therapy and also just being a teenager. You aren't able to give her that. Fixing your husband so your household can be a "family" is something this young teen can not fix for you. You've chosen to stay with your husband and focus on keeping your marriage, the child's father has chosen to keep his daughter his focus and her well being and safety his priority.

This all should have happened when your daughter was ten and the first incident happened. It didn't and the issue accelerated and became worse. Now it is being taken out of your hands, as it should be.

FrenchPeas's picture

Why on earth do women stay with these abusive passive aggressive or overtly awful men and say "i see the good in him"??? If you're having the cops/cps involved, I'd likely say there isn't any "good" there. If you're making excuses for him and his horrid behavior, then you're deluded in believing there is something there worth saving. You can't retrain him. You left with your kids for four months and then trot right back to start the cycle all over again. And i also see another dynamic at work here. You're giving this to God. Here is a new flash. God doesn't intend for a wife to stay where she or her children are being abused. My counselor drilled that into my head because my preacher's kid-self kept saying God hates divorce and there was no adultery. My counselor straightened me out on that one.

It would make my day if it would finally sink in here that those who have issue after issue with these abusive a**holes would realize that the "good" you see is just justification to stay. If a man/person truly has a good heart or intentions, this behavior wouldn't occur to the point of actual physical abuse. Three other young children have to endure this mess. Good grief.

Arisca's picture

Listen I serve a mighty God people and He doesn't sleep...knowing and believing this is how I get through each and every single day.

My husband has issues thats a given and its NOT my job to fix him. He will get his help and is in the process of doing that. I'm not saying we should all walk on eggshells to make sure he is not triggered WTF do I look like. I must really come across like a real doormat to you all...oh well no point in wasting time trying to convince you all that my husband is a good man who has made some bad choices. He's human...we're ALL sinners!

I think about it like this your child can be the worst behaved person on the planet. I mean doing the most doing drugs getting arrested etc...are you going to just stop loving your child and give them away or give up on them???? No!!! If you really care then you will get them help. This is how God sees us and this is how He wants us to see people.

What I'm trying to teach my family is if you have a problem then you have to address is get to the bottom of it...find the root and face it head on. If it means something to you you will try to fix it instead of just throwing it away. I've left before and I can leave again...I'm not afraid to or think that I won't make it on my own (once again I repeat I SERVE A MIGHTY GOD) Running away from your problems doesn't change anything because then you will just continue having the same issue just in a different location.

You all are getting bits and pieces of my life and making judgments as you see fit kudos to you. I won't defend myself or my life and my choices to dont know me and you're NOT living my life.

Livingoutloud's picture

Your child isn’t “running away from problems”, your child is living elsewhere to stay safe.

It’s not your child’s job to get to “the roots” and “fix” abusive adults

I agree though that you need to get to the “roots” of your choices of choosing abusive man over your children

Talking about G-d, I doubt G-d thinks that your child has to put herself in harms way to appease abusive people. Don’t use G-d to excuse adults making terrible choice endangering their children

twoviewpoints's picture

The point here is, is you've lost the right to keep your daughter with you. While you have the right to serve whatever Power you believe in, you do not have the right to subject your daughter to a home life that is detrimental to her safety and well being.

While you have chosen to work on your home life and seek your DH help , you can not except to force your daughter into the situation any longer. You are an adult. You get to decide whether or not you stay and work on the problem, however when you fail to protect your daughter (a minor child) you lose the control of being able to keep her with you. Her rights, begin where yours end. You either leave the child where she is or the courts will do it for you.

This stand by your man no matter what thing is all well and good I suppose, until one takes into consideration this isn't your first rodeo. It's not your one and only marriage and it's not the first incident where your daughter has taken the hit for what you want and seek. You're on strike three.

Now leave the kid where she is and allow her to be. Your Dh is not this child's father and they are toxic together in the same home. You desire to stay. That's your choice. So stay and work on your marriage and your husband's faults and anger issues. For your other children's sake, I hope you are successful in your endeavor. But you don't have the right to force your oldest daughter in your attempt. When you fail to protect her, the law and courts step in. You can not expect her to stay in that house and wait for her stepfather to change his temperament while everyone sits around praying it happens.

There's a reason your child has been taken from your home. Currently it is has been done privately, but if you push this the courts will do what needs to be done.

Disneyfan's picture

"I think about it like this your child can be the worst behaved person on the planet. I mean doing the most doing drugs getting arrested etc...are you going to just stop loving your child and give them away or give up on them???? No!!! If you really care then you will get them help. This is how God sees us and this is how He wants us to see people."

Normal parens love their children unconditionally. Normal parents do everything in their power to protect their kid and provide them a safe, loving home.

Normal people have conditions for loving a spouse/mate. One condition that tends to be at the top of list is DON'T F WITH MY KIDS.

Something within you is clearly broken

lieutenant_dad's picture

Your daughter has two parents who get to make decisions about her care and wellbeing. Her father believes, and rightfully so, that his daughter should not be living in a home with a man who hits her. It sounds like the first time an angry outburst happened and CPS was called that your ex let it go and didn't pursue full custody. I'm assuming he did that thinking it was an isolated incident, etc. However, he has now made the decision that HIS CHILD is having issues and needs help away from an abusive household (which is what it is, even if it only happens a handful or times and even if you feel it is instigated by your daughter).

What your daughter wants is irrelevant. She's a child who has parents who make decisions for her. If you don't like the arrangement, by all means go get your daughter and bring her home. However, have fun explaining to the police and courts what is going on and why a change of custody was demanded by BioDad. With a history already of this happening, your BD will permanently end up with BioDad with you have supervised visitation outside your home while paying CS.

You may serve an almighty God, but you're still subject to the laws of the land. Laws of the land say that a child hit by an adult that isn't out of actual self defense is an abused child who should not be on the environment where it happened. No one cares what you want to do as a grown adult, but the law won't allow a child to be in that environment, especially when there is a parent waiting and willing to raise his daughter.

Arisca's picture

Its all in God's hand...His will be done.

I pray for the wisdom and strength to deal with it.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

Disneyfan's picture

God's will is being done. He has made a way for your daughter to escape that house of horrors.

Now grandma and auntie need to work on getting the other children out.

I find it amazing that you have never said the CPS reports were false claims. You are fully aware of the abuse, but continue to make the CHOICE to keep your children in that environment. Your husband is abusive and you are neglectful.

I see that you are from NY. I'm from Brooklyn. I hope you're in NYC, the case workers here aren't messing around right now.

Cooooookies's picture

God doesn't want your child to be abused. I can't stand when people twist faith to rationalise sh*tty behaviour.

Arisca's picture

Oh Cookies I'm sorry if you think thats what I'm doing its definitely NOT

My husband hit my all assume I'm "OK" with that just because I haven't filed for divorce.

Cooooookies's picture

What other choice is there? You are still with him so it's okay.

It's different if he lost his job or accidentally dinged the car on the garage or twisted the wrench too hard while trying to fix something and broke it.

He hit your daughter.

Any man that hit my child would have a frying pan to his head and I'd be out the door the second I finished packing my bags...or his...whichever was appropriate.

You are still trying to rationalise it. You are there, 'working on it' with him. Therefore, you chose him over your daughter. She had to leave your home to find a safer one. She lost her home and you're still there with the man that hit her.

Therefore you are 100% okay with it. You're trying to twist and bend and paint it different colors and add an almighty imaginary figure to it but that is the awful truth. Every second you stay, you condone it.

Livingoutloud's picture

We aren’t saying you must get divorce. The issue isn’t you not getting divorce, the issue is you insisting your minor child must come back to “work on issues”. It’s not her responsibility to fix this mess you created by marrying an abuser.

We are saying that it’s not your child’s job to fix a mess you created by marrying abusive man. If you choose to stay with abusive man it’s your choice, fine, but you have no rights to subject children to abuse.

I am pretty G-d’s will is to keep children safe. Not endanger them so you can keep a man. Please don’t use faith to justify wrongdoings of grown up people.

Livingoutloud's picture

It’s not the first time he hit her. You had CPs and police involved in the past yet you continued living like this

FrenchPeas's picture

you can tell my I'm being judgy all you want. I'm telling the truth. It's costing you dearly already. But you're correct. It is your choice. And it may cost you even more as you "work" on things. And you seem to be just fine with him hitting your daughter. Actions speak louder than words. And kids will know. My daughter told her friends that, as her mom, i protected her and her brother and got them away from a very bad situation. It was a skid that put hands on me. Had either of my children been touched, it would have been hell to pay.

Keep on "working on it". Remember, God gives us free will. He expects us to help ourselves at times.

BethAnne's picture

Have you spoken with your pastor yet? What did they say about your daughter’s living arrangements?

AlreadyGone's picture

Let me just preface this by saying, I don't have kids of my own. I am an ex-SM. I escaped my stephell a few years back.

I went back to read your previous blogs to get myself up to date with your situation. I'm not going to judge what's happening to you, because I haven't been where you are. What I will say is this, your current arrangement is the best thing for everyone involved.... for the moment. It gives everyone a chance to breathe, step back, and make whatever changes are necessary, to hopefully repair and heal the wounds.

Your husband sounds like the 'manly' type who will not tolerate any form of disrespect. There is nothing overtly wrong with that sentiment, to a point. Unfortunately, he stepped way over the line. A point you readily acknowledge. By your own account, your daughter has behavioral issues, and clearly knows the trigger points and how to use them. This was a situation just waiting to happen. My guess, is that if you look back, you'll even see where this was destined to go off the rails. The fact that you are looking at this from all sides, tells me that you know what I'm saying. It's very easy to go all out 'mamma or papa bear' when it comes to the children. I mean your job is to protect them at all costs. That's why you're getting the replies that you're getting. They're not wrong. Your first duty is to your child. This means as hard as it is, you have to let her be where she is safest. That doesn't mean you have to break up your family forever. You should take this time to get counseling, individually and as a family. You also have to be really honest with yourself, while you're trying to put your family back together. If your husband is not willing to do the hard work that it's going to take, to fix HIS part in this, you will have to make a choice. You already know this. I'm not saying that your daughter is off the hook. She has to work hard and own her part in this too. However, SHE is the child, so it is up to the adults to take the brunt of that responsibility. Hopefully, in time and with a lot of work, you can be a family again under the same roof. That will take all of the adults working together and finding better solutions. You have to back off her BF. He is angry and he has a right to be. As for the rest of your family, you should politely tell them to mind their own business. Too many cooks spoil the pot. This is between you, the BF, your daughter, and your husband. For now, let your mother and sisters tongues wag. It's just minutia. If you want your daughter back under your roof, then your husband will have to go somewhere else for the time being. If you don't want to do that, then you need to let your daughter be where she is, and learn to accept it, for the moment.

Some years back, my xSD created so much drama in her BM's house, that her SF went off the rails one night. No physical violence but, he was definitely raging out loud. Knowing how my xSD was, I didn't jump to conclusions right away. However, my xH was absolutely livid. How dare someone speak of and to his daughter that way. She ended up staying with us for a while. It wasn't long before I felt like raging. LOL. Eventually my xH got to see his wonderful DD in all her glory. He actually called the SF and after a long conversation, they compared notes and the truth came to light. They found a happy middle ground. The sad part was, neither my xH or the BM did a damn thing to help or change the xSDs ways. They just kept offering up the same lazy parenting that caused the behavioral issues in the first place. BM kept blaming the SF, as did my xIL's. My xH knew the truth but, he just wasn't strong enough to change anything. In the end, I was forced to make the choice. Them or me. I chose me.

You don't have to wait that long to do what's right. Right for you, and right for your daughter. Good luck to you.


Disneyfan's picture

"As for the rest of your family, you should politely tell them to mind their own business."

The OP's daughter is her families business. No decent family member will sit back and do nothing while a child is being abused.

The OP's family should do everything in their power to keep their grandkids,nieces and nephews safe.

AlreadyGone's picture

You're wrong. The OP's daughter is the OP's business, the BF's business, and to a much lesser degree, the SF's business, (SM as well, if one exists.) The grandmother and Aunt have a right to voice their concerns and nothing more than that. It's not as if the OP is ignoring the issue. If she were, I would be the first to say that they should step in. However, to involve themselves to the point that they are interfering in the 'immediate' family's business is not necessary, and it is obviously creating more drama. You're acting as though this man was beating this girl every day of her life, and the OP has been covering for him. That is simply not the case. There is a difference between things getting out of hand and absolute abuse. Good grief. I think you're taking things massively out of context here. Just because the OP was short on details, doesn't give any of us carte blanche to add them as we see fit.

*I swear it's like you cherry pick any tiny detail just to be contrary.

Disneyfan's picture

"The grandmother and Aunt have a right to voice their concerns and nothing more than that. It's not as if the OP is ignoring the issue. If she were, I would be the first to say that they should step in. However, to involve themselves to the point that they are interfering in the 'immediate' family's business is not necessary, and it is obviously creating more drama"

This line of thinking is what causes so many children to be killed each year. Do a little digging, and you will discover that there were people aware of the abuse. Those people made the CHOICE to do nothing because it wasn't their business or the abuse wasn't that bad. :sick:

AlreadyGone's picture

Perhaps you missed the part where OP states that she has a strained relationship with her mother. Or the part where she states her sister lives with her mother, in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment, with her 2 (#3 on the way) children. Or where OP states that her mother does whatever her sister tells her to do. Sounds to me like sister is a drama queen, and interjecting her personal opinion where it just doesn't belong. Sounds to me like her sister needs to focus on her own obvious shortcomings as an adult/parent.

There is nothing wrong with my 'line of thinking' nor is there anything wrong with how OP is handling her situation. It may not be how you would handle it, but that doesn't make her a bad mother, and it doesn't make her wrong either. I don't need to do any 'digging' to discover that people in any given 'abuse' situation may have been aware, and made the CHOICE to do nothing. Clearly there are cases all over the news that support your claim. However, we are not speaking of THAT type of situation, therefore your logic does not apply. For the record, there are just as many cases where law enforcement and CPS became involved in family situations where it wasn't necessary, leaving many families torn apart needlessly. Not to mention the number of false abuse reports. The truth is, you just have a need to be right. I know, I've read your myriad of righteous indignation posts. I get it. Time to move on. Dirol

z3girl's picture

You say you've left before. What is stopping you now?

First, can you talk to BioDad? If you were to get your own place (be it your current one and DH moves out, or you move out), can you not keep the same custody arrangement? You don't need divorce to do this.

Secondly, if you were to move out, would your DH not then see that he needs to make some serious changes (TREATMENT) in order to get you to move back in? Get involved in his treatment, and if your daughter is willing at some point, join in? After a year or so, maybe then have a discussion with all involved to see about moving back home with your DH and daughter? It would look like you would be involved, and not need your mother or sister involved.

I don't remember your relationship with your ex, so I don't know how possible it is to communicate like this, but if it's not too hostile, it's the only way I could see you having any input on where your daughter goes.

Of course, after a year or treatment is involved and your daughter doesn't want to go back to your DH, you may be back in the current situation, but you will know you tried.

If your mother only has a one bedroom apartment, I don't really see you being able to maintain or encourage a relationship with your daughter if you don't see her much anymore. Doesn't sound good...Your daughter is a teenager and will hopefully be going to college in a few years. You won't have to opportunity to make up for lost time if you don't put her first and keep her in a safe situation. You are the adult, and she is still the child, no matter her behavior. Now is the time to make the difference.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

You talk about serving a mighty God. Do you also believe that the man is the undisputed head of the house who rules with a firm but fair hand?

Arisca's picture

Sonofabrisketmaker...This is the issue I have with my husband. I have no problem with my husband being the head of the home. This is why I know that God comes first and my husband second. It just breaks my heart that he isn't leading us the way he should be...

Arisca's picture

Omg what kind of mother this, that and the other...
I appreciate everyone's comments... I can go back and forth with some of you but WHY? I came onto a public forum to vent.

So while everyone is entitled to their opinion the bottom line is none of you are walking in my shoes...until you are then you can do or say as you please. This is not my life story this is a snipet of a situation that my family is going through right now a very BAD situation I might add...

What's going to happen I don't know...for now my daughter needs space and my husband needs I going to stop praying...NO and I will never apologize for wanting my family to thrive and believing that there is a way!
People on the outside looking in can think I'm crazy! Naïve or the worse mother on the face of the planet...people's opinions of me don't matter God's facts do!

still learning's picture

Be grateful that your daughter is in a safe place with people who love her. Anger and abuse can get out of hand real fast and if your husband acts that way w/your teenage daughter it will likely keep escalating and get worse. I'm sorry to say that your *family* situation with your husband and daughter will likely not work out and you shouldn't try to force it. It's an extremely unhealthy and dangerous situation for her. Do you really want her to think it's okay for a man to lay hands on her for any reason?

My dd22 saw me get physically abused by her father and she recently broke up w/a young man who had thrown her on the ground and tried to choke her over an argument about a phone. Then her own father grabbed her by the hair and yanked her around over an argument about a cat. I wish I had left exh the very first time he ever laid a hand on me so my children would have never had to witness this behavior and think it's normal on some level, but like you *God* would make things ok, prayer, tithing and church would make it all better. I just had to have faith and be a supportive wife. No real God wants women to put up w/abuse for any reason! Your daughter deserves better and so do you.

Livingoutloud's picture

I don’t think it’s aporpriate to use G-d’s name in the context of justifying abuse. What does your pastor say about this? Does your pastor agree with you that men need to be put on the pedestal and men should be more important than safety of ones children? Does your pastor agree with you that keeping a man is more important than safety of your children?

Arisca's picture

I am not using God to justify abuse at all I am saying that God is the only reason I'm functioning...its so easy for you to perceive my life from a blog post...this is heartbreaking

DH set up the appointment with our Pastor and we met with him this passed week. He told him what happened and everything that happened he didnt play it down or talk shit about well she hit me first he surprisingly was very forthcoming.

Our Pastor said exactly what everyone said (INCLUDING ME) how serious this is that he would have been arrested had the cops been called and it doesn't matter what happened because it is never OK to lay hands on a child like that. You all really think I never had this conversation with my husband...I never once made an excuse for what he did...not to him not to my daughter or anyone. I even met with a Social worker the day after it happened seeking advice and she told me to leave BD with her father and really evaluate my life and what I want. My DH took it as a threat but I told him qhen this happened that if the cops had shown up or still can show up they will take him no questions asked and there's no coming back after that.

Our Pastor advised that DH should apologize to BD and ask for forgiveness but that she should stay with her dad for now. He believes we all need counseling...individual as well as marriage and eventually family. He definitely spoke to him about his anger and his triggers and told him plain and pointblank that he has to let things go...he doesn't have to feel disrespected for any and everything. Leave the discipline of BD to me.

We have another meeting set up next week. I told him he needs to also set up his individual therapy. BD had a therapist a few years ago I'm going to set up an appointment with her as well.

Livingoutloud's picture

I think your posts triggered certain responses because you insisted your daughter must home and “work on problems” and “not run away from problems”.

Your insistence on her coming back for all these bizarre reasons was just uncalled for.

And then bringing up CS? You expected your ex paying you CS even if DD doesn’t live with you. All of these did not sound as honorable motives and desires to protect a child. Along with placing your abusuve DH right under G-d. Really?

Clearly your pastor agrees with us that all this is tragic and not be taken lightly. Making sure DD is with you (why?) is not a priority

What you are posting now is vastly different from What you said earlier.

Arisca's picture

"Clearly your pastor agrees with us that all this is tragic and not be taken lightly."---because I didnt just say the SAME EXACT THING RIGHT??!!!!

I apologize if thats the way it came across but trust me never once have I tried to force my daughter to come home and work things out RIGHT NOW!!!

She needs her space and I am giving it to her. Ideally I want things to work out WTF this is my family I'm talking about not a broken heel on my shoe.

I brought up CS because thats all my ex cares about (you know nothing of him so dont even start) not because I want him to keep paying me like damn how stupid and delusional do you guys really think I am.

Disneyfan's picture

CS is not all your ex cares about. He took steps to get your daughter away from your husband. That proves he cares about the girl's well being.

" damn how stupid and delusional do you guys really think I am." Welllllll, you are making the CHOICE to keep 3 young children in a home with an abusive man. And you're trying to get the kid he has a history of abusing to return to the home.

Arisca's picture

My ex and I don't speak. The CS was mentioned by my daughter while we were talking...the words came out her her mouth that he's so focused on CS OK!!! She felt the need to mention it because obviously it sounded odd to her!!!

You know what Disney I'm glad your life so is super perfect that you can judge me the way you do.

Oh and the "history" you think you know so much about well let me give you some insight. CPS was called to my house because my husband and I got into something over my daughter and her father switched it to make it seem like it was toward her...the second time CPS was called guess what it was my bitter ex yet again because my daughter and her sister were playing rough and her foot got caught in the door. My DH was no where around but somehow when my daughter went to her dads for the weekend he "retook" her to the hospital and got her to say that it was my DH who slammed the door on her foot. Oh CPS was called again by said ex because I threw a brush when I got angry at my daughter. Mind you he told them that I there the brush at her. Same BioD that stopped talking to her daughter for close to 4 months didnt want her at his house because she wanted to celebrate her little brother's birthday and it was his weekend.

ALL CASES were unfounded. ALL!!! Why do you think because there was no merit.

I'm not dumb enough to know that if they come again that this case will be different...I met with a social worker for this said reason.

I am taking steps to deal with are just reading a blog post that can never contain every single don't know me, my husband, my ex or my daughter so its real easy for you to say whatever you want.

Disneyfan's picture

Now you are trying to recreate the picture you have painted of your husband.

If all cases were unfounded and your husband is not abusive, then go get your daughter.

If your home is a safe space, then go get your daughter.

If what you just posted is true, then go get your daughter.

Leaving her where she is, proves that there is some validity to what your mother and sister's claims.

Arisca's picture

I'm not here to convince anyone of anything or recreate images of my husband. My husband needs f#$king help...I said that to him and I'll say it to everyone. All cases were unfounded because he didnt do anything to her which she finally admitted that her dad told her to lie.
I came on here to vent about what happened last week. I never went into any details of what happened in the past.

My husband and daughter don't have a good relationship which is clear based on some of the facts I've given...she is getting older...teenager who thinks she knows it all and no one has to say anything to husband is stuck in his disciplinarian ways and holding a lot of animosity from passed events and they butt heads...

Husband: This is my home and everyone has to show respect
Daughter: I dont have to respect you, you're not my father

Yes I want us to have a sit down about this....eventually!!!These things won't happen overnight. Too much damage has been done.

My husband needs to know that this is it. The last straw. It was by a miracle alone that the cops werent called but if he doesnt make some changes he will be locked up.

I don't have to explain myself to any of you or even my mother or sister.

I have to take care of this...I'm talking to my daughter every day!!!...I am talking to my husband, my Pastor and more importantly my God.

twoviewpoints's picture

People here only know what you have chosen to tell them. Your very first post told this:

" The first incident they had was back in 2013 and their relationship has been strained from then. She took something without asking and it spiraled out of control went from 0-100 in a split second. He grabbed her and she screamed then I grabbed him like what are u doing then we got into make a long story short the cops were called and he got arrested. My daughter's BF called ACS and it was messy. Since then my husband and daughter were never the same. The tension was always there. He kept his distance from her and that was hurting me but I realize now that might have been the best thing. Last weekend they went at it again and my daughter actually hit him and he being the "man" that he is went after her and hit her."

While these two incidents may not have been the only times the police and/or CPS was called to your home, you , yourself, told these two incidents did happen. You can not expect us to know about other incidents such as a foot, if you have not mentioned those here until now.

IMO, you seem to be downplaying what you first came here to vent about. Now, of course, you can vent about anything you want to here as this is what the site is meant for. But you really can't fault members for remembering what you have told and for forming opinions on what you write.

You have the ability on this side of the site to delete comments you dislike and/or one's you decide you wish to not have as responses on your blog. Cold black and white written words on a page can not always be interpreted in the ways the words were meant to 'sound', or tone, if you will. IMO , you are 'sounding' a bit hot tempered yourself yesterday and this morning. I understand you are under stress and fearing the possible collapse of your family.

From your own blogs, you've mentioned quite a bit of conflict in multiple relationships in your life. Your ex, your mother, your sister, those in your own household. That's just an observation, not an accusation, so spare yourself telling *us* again how *we* don't know the whole story or you or how your life is. Again, all anyone here can possibly know is the things you chose to tell. Members here only have glimpses into the parts you write.

My suggestion to you is for you to reach beyond the arms of your church family and try a therapist who is trained in stepfamily ins and outs. Stepfamilies are different than intact family issues and not all pastors are going to recognize that what works for one family is not the answer for yet a different family. I'm not saying don't use your pastor, I'm saying don't stop there.

My next suggestion is for today. Let it all go for the day and take your younger children out and about. Spend this afternoon doing something fun. Try to relax and just enjoy being with your kids and Dh. A family movie, a hike in the park, a trip to the local activity center. Just something that helps you let go for the day and enjoy each other's company and experiences.

Livingoutloud's picture

If none of the abuse or violence happened and your husband did nothing wrong and is in fact second to G-d in his greatness (God comes first and he is second ) then I don’t understand what were your original posts about? You said your husband has anger issues and has been violent towards DD. But now apparently nothing happened? Your ex just want money and there is really nothing going on. I am confused on the whole thing now.

Hennypenny's picture

Your daughter needs to stay where she is for the time being and you need to encourage her to do so. Accept that just maybe her father and your mother actually do have her best interests at heart, and be grateful she has a place to go to get away from the toxic situation in your house.

It’s not your daughter’s job to work to rebuild what YOU see as your family. According to your own words your daughter and your DH have had a bad relationship since an incident when she was 10 years old, and which resulted in his arrest. Stop trying to portray this as a family issue- you have a daughter and you have a husband. You should all work towards a workable coexistence but stop pressuring both of them to have familial bonds that neither of them seem to want.