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Now saving myself and need your feedback

ItAlmostWorked's picture

DH and I bought this house almost three years ago so it would be "ours" instead of where we lived before which was my condo. My bios and I were satisfied living in the condo until DH and his 2 daughters moved in. They criticized it endlessly until we hated it too. I realized this at one point and began pushing back, saying the condo didn't become awful until all of you said it was, hhhmmm. The real reason for moving was that we were cramped for space and wanted to provide a single family home experience that was "ours". There was an unspoken assumption that having our own home that gave each child their own room would markedly improve our situation. It didn't. It only gave YSD and YBD new topics to bitch about. YSD acted like she was the woman of the house and took over. By necessity, I spent lots of time at work and at school and she was at home more often and without anyone else's objections stormed around the house stating how it should be run and without coming out and saying it directly, how I've come up short. I could go on and on but it doesn't matter anymore.

One SD has her own apartment, YSD is not coming home from college this summer. I refuse to live with YSD ever again and plan to get divorced to protect myself from her insanity.

What I need help with is dragging myself out of this crushing depression to begin creating a new life for myself while I am still in the limbo of living in this house because we can't sell it. I think I could be on the road to healing so much quicker if I could just get out of here but suffice it to say, for now, I cannot.

I need to get out, meet new people, join a gym, find new activites but how I feel is making it impossible to do what I need to do. Yes, I am in therapy, yes I am taking appropriate medication. I have a successful job. No one there would realize I spend my weekends in crushing despair.As I type this, I feel nauseous and my heart races. DH just came home from working out. Whenever he is in the house, my anxiety increases for I blame him for allowing SD to ruin all we worked for.

Those of you who can relate, who pulled yourselves out of a similar abyss, please respond with how you did it. I know what I need to do but I have to push through this despair in order to get it done.

Thanks in advance for your feedback.

Poodle's picture

Yeah, adult education classes, dance classes, anything that is fun -- maybe even a singles club but with the secret intention of not dating, just being amongst a likeminded crowd who are not coupley! Which of the children and stepchildren actually live there full time? Would it damage your property interest prospects if you moved out temporarily? Would there be a legal or practical ground to ask him to move out? In my experience if a couple really intends to separate, the worst thing is to remain living together. The civilised treatment of each other does begin to deteriorate (I know you will give a sick laugh at this, but it can and does always get worse between couples as they separate, believe me I know from experience, I am a divorce lawyer). Also, any remaining shred of civility from the skids will be stripped away. Another idea is to have friends and family to stay but they need to know the background and also be committed to not picking fights or making it worse for you in any way.
Goodluck and hugs.
Very important to mediate mediate mediate until the last possible moment.

FeuilleMorte's picture

Depression is a horrible, horrible thing...yes, you can tell yourself all day what you need to do to snap out of it, but that's the whole point. You can't.

I hope at some point your meds will kick in and help. And I know you will keep trying. But all I can advise is to be very, very kind to yourself. You wouldn't beat up a cancer patient for not healing herself, so don't beat up yourself either, ok?

Wishing you well.

HadEnoughx5's picture

I was in a deep depression too at one point in my life. The therapist had said "start doing the things. It's going to be difficult but just do them anyway".

I had to do things in a routine, until it became a part of my life. Wake up, shower, exercise etc. at the same time.

Can you get an apartment? Or live with family or friends? Divorce is tough especially when you hate to end it because of someone else's bad choices. Seeing him keeps you "stuck".

Journaling helped me along with reading books on self help and divorce support groups. Exercising will help fight the depression too.

Good Luck. I'm praying for you. Take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself Smile

Poodle's picture

Definitely physical exercise, especially in a workout setting as it will alter your shape visibly, give you a sense of physical growth and increase your self-esteem.

ItAlmostWorked's picture

Poodle- BD16 lives here full time. SD22 has her own apartment and doing well, recently SD19 refuses to come home in a very dramatic way since apparently is so awful here, and BS22 will be coming home from college for the summer in a month.

Thanks all for the support! DH Just finished reading Stepmonster, says he owes me an apology, may be too late for that. I did get out of the house and it helped~

HadEnoughx5's picture

I have to say Stepmonster really helped my Dh. I would accept your Dh's apology but he also needs to hear from you (again I'm sure) that his actions will be the one to save the marriage if he's interested in saving it.

Hang in there. I'm glad you spent the day being out. Sometimes having new scenery helps get your mind clear.

ItAlmostWorked's picture

I got out of the house for the day, didn't move out or anything. Re-reading my post, I realized I needed to clarify. Smile

ItAlmostWorked's picture

Poodle-the suggestions you gave are all spot on and very helpful. I agree completely with mediate, mediate, mediate also-this is my second marriage. In my first marriage (no steps were involved), when it ended, we managed to stay out of court completely. It was a much better experience than some of the horror stories I have heard about divorces going on for years and years. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge. I have no idea what I would have done the last few weeks if I hadn't found this site!!