Disengaging
For those who haven’t read my other posts, a quick background: I have been with my fiancé for 2 years, living together a little over 1 year, supposed to marry in April. He has a 4 year old who we have every other week for the full week (50/50 custody). In my other posts, I have talked about all the ridiculous things that have been going on and now I am considering disengaging. I want to know what others think about this. I know a lot of women have issues with their stepkids, but I don’t think it would be so bad if it weren’t for the way my fiancé handles everything! SD would actually listen to me if my fiancé didn’t tell her she didn’t have to. For example, the other night I said something about getting ready for bed and fiancé said “she’s not going to bed yet” right in front of her! He is TEACHING her that she does NOT have to listen to or respect me. We have been over this NUMEROUS times with NO change. I have read (after googling) that “disengaging is necessary when your man makes it clear that he is not going to parent his children.” I have tried over and over again to be a stepmom (and a real mom, since the one she has is a total POS) but he will not let me. It’s basically like those 2 are the couple. He has all the classic guilty daddy symptoms. What do you all think about disengaging in this situation? Will it help, hurt, or make no difference?
Do you really have any other
Do you really have any other options?
Not any that I can think of!
Not any that I can think of!
Then disengaging it is. Its
Then disengaging it is. Its always the thing to do when you have exhausted all else.
If knew then what I know now,
If knew then what I know now, DH wouldn't be DH. I would've run the other way. Disengaging helps my sanity and helps keep our family together but I am sooooo settling. We have kids together or it wouldn't be worth it. You can try disengaging from sd but I would also wonder if this was the kind of life I wanted....
so if.. "disengaging is
so if.. "disengaging is necessary when your man makes it clear that he is not going to parent his children" ... what does that say about the man you're going to marry?
disengaging is simply
disengaging is simply settling for a life you didn't plan on with a man who can't even take responsiblity enough to raise his own children right.
I see where you are coming
I see where you are coming from lilhoneybee, but I still say your negativity about disengaging will change in the future.
In the meantime, don't be so insulting to people who need to do it for their sanity. Sometimes, not all, its the first important step in someone leaving an unhealthy relationship.
Other times, disengaging allows you to accept the fact that you cannot control someone else's parenting or their children. It is not yours to control. Its a realization that you don't have to frustrate yourself. You do have control over your home and how people treat you. That's it.
I think you may be right
I think you may be right about that because I definitely do feel like I am settling! We have a counseling appointment coming up so I am holding off on making any permanent decisions (like staying or leaving) until then. I think disengaging may help in the meantime, until I have a chance to see if counseling will help or not. But I definitely don't see it as a permanent solution because it won't feel like a family :/
good for you. i understand
good for you. i understand how some on these forums justify disengaging for the sake of keeping their family together. i did the same. i was in a long relationship with my bs8's dad and i disengaged from his father for the sake of keeping the "family" together. what a miserable 10 years that was. moving on was the best for everyone. now im stuck in a skids battle with my bf. i hope counceling works for you or your SO gets his head outta his butt, whichever comes first.
While disengaging from the
While disengaging from the child is seemingly the only way for you to stay in this relationship, imagine yourself 10 years from now with a 14 year old hormonal turd face who won't respect you or follow the simplest of rules in your OWN HOME...THAT is what lies down the road you are taking. Your SD is only 4.
"It’s basically like those 2 are the couple"...do you REALLY want to be a third wheel in their relationship? I'm sorry but with what you have shared, I'd be running the other way.
I'm not one to give the above advice lightly...I am custodial SM to my SS9 & SD8...engaged to marry their BD in 2 years. I would NOT be in this relationship if my FDH did not take my opinion into consideration & respect my position in my own home. He backs me in my "parenting" of my Skids (for the most aprt(
There are behaviors that I WILL NOT TOLERATE from children in my care...early in our relationship, I laid these out for him & he knows that if he backs out of being a parent, that I will call it quits.
I love him but not enough to lose my sanity over.
Best of luck to you!
When DH and I began a
When DH and I began a relationship the skids were 4,5 and 6. Between their parents, they had no routine or structure in their lives. They had zip for manners and their behavior was really bad. On our wedding day,his family members said to me that I was their (the kids)chance to change their lives. In the beginning the kids started to do well until BM started feeling threatened by me and brainwashing the kids against me. As I was trying to discipline them because of their behavior towards me or around our home, DH started making comments in favor of them, in front of them. Instead of backing me up, he was empowering them.
DH would say so many times that he agreed with me about the changes that needed to be made, but then he would do the opposite. This started to make me look like the mean step mom. I found that I was becoming someone I did not like and was losing myself in this endless battle. I started stepping away from things little by little not knowing this was disengaging.
Finally I totally disengaged for more than a month and then DH and I had a talk, I was under the impression that he was ready to "co parent" with me, even though my gut was telling me this was not good. My gut was correct, within two days he was unable to co parent (I have a blog on it)
So now I have disengaged. I've decided that I am concentrating on my relationship with the skids and DH. He is in control of the parenting and I'm gonna have fun with the skids or even on my own. I have handed the reigns to DH...Dr. appts, car rides, medications, meals, discipline, chores (if they do any?), school work etc. When he talks about BM or the skids, I shake and nod, trying to be supportive.
When you disengage, you pick and choose what you will and will not do or tolerate. Your'e setting the boundary. It's best to straighten this crap out before you tie the knott. Good Luck to you
Very well said!!! thank you.
Very well said!!! thank you.
Sweetie....I would have to
Sweetie....I would have to say make him your X...
It is not going to work...Imagine what it will be like
if you have a child with him...
The rules have to apply to all..
Just disengaging the child is not the answer.
A family home has to have some kind of harmony..
If the two of you have different parenting styles (esp. when skids are involved)
you are doomed...
You will start to resent him and her..
Good Luck to you and remember if you do marry this guy..
like the old saying goes..you made your bed now lie in it.
I mean honestly, I don't want
I mean honestly, I don't want to disengage. I want my relationship to work and I want us to be a family, but I think that is every stepmom's initial intention. We have been living together over a year so I have been trying for a long time now. My finace just won't let me parent his child. Of course, he doesn't really parent his child either. He just lets her do whatever she wants. Ughhh!!
So then how do you force
So then how do you force someone to let you parent? You don't. Have you read stepmonster?
None of us wanted to do it. All of us had happy thoughts of a blending family where we get to be a part time parent and help contribute to the lives and futures of our skids. I had great intentions. It wasn't reality. Some families can do it. In those families, bio parent and step parent are on board. In the others, usually the bio parent just won't pull their weight for whatever reason.
Grieve for what you wanted and deal with what is in front of you.
The one thing that will make you feel better is taking care of yourself and getting control over your life back.
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Thank you so much for that
Thank you so much for that link!
You are welcome. However,
You are welcome. However, know that you are the only one who can make the decision on whether to tell your DF ahead of time what you are doing. For me, it didn't work to announce it first. It worked to just slowly disengage over time. Now I do very little for or with the skids. Only enough to maintain appearances.
Get out now.
Get out now.
If I ever leave my DH I will
If I ever leave my DH I will never be with any one with children. Even if that means being by my self. My DH and I have SS7yrs. SS is my DH only child I have two grown bd. When we first got full custody of SS I tried to treat SS as I would my bds. I honestly beleive my DH was jealous. At that time ss was only 18 months. In order to get any help from DH I had to disengage from ss. Now thing are worst because DH will say things right in front of ss that lets my ss know that what I say doesn't matter. We have had a lot of fights over parenting my SS. My ss is a very good boy and well behaved. But ss has no curfew, ss gets to eat when and what he wants. So I do not get SS up in the morning for school, I don't fix his meals. I do fix supper at night. DH will usually fix ss something different. And I don't put him to bed. I told DH when SS is 14yrs old don't ask me for help because he can't control his son. I'm going to say I told you so and that you should have set rules.
The whole thing is so hard.
The whole thing is so hard. If I didn't make SD go to bed, she would have no bedtime. If I didn't make her wash her hands after she used the bathroom, she wouldn't do it. She would never clean up after herself. She would never put her toys away. Even worse, when she does something that is downright wrong (like stealing), she would never even be TOLD that what she did is wrong if it wasn't me who told her. My fiance does absolutely NOTHING that he doesn't want to do. Don't get me wrong, he makes sure she is fed, clothed, in school, all the basics. But he spoils her rotten with toys and attention and it's led her to become a complete brat! Of course my fiance thinks it's me who has the problem, not him or his kid. Were you guys already married before you realized the kind of situation you were in? I am just wondering because I am not married yet (it is scheduled for April) and am having some serious second thoughts!
1. I can't tell you not to
1. I can't tell you not to get married, but in this situation I would not. I will not.
2. Mazzystar is right about all of it. You see, once you wash your hands of it, it becomes your DF's problem. He will reap the punishment of a spoiled child. I was just like you. I couldn't stand NOT saying something, NOT intervening to make her a better person. At some point I realized I lost myself in the mess and it wasn't doing any good anyway. SO would just undo whatever I did and we would fight. It wasn't worth it. They aren't my children, I am not responsible for making up for the shortcomings of their parents. Their parents will have to deal with the consequence of their parenting.
I control my house and what goes on in it as far as how I'm treated. You WILL be quiet when I go to bed. You WILL NOT wear hoochie clothes in my house. I WILL NOT let you use foul language in my house. The rest of it, I could care less. You WILL NOT live in my house after 18. Its SO who is going to have to deal with a child who is irresponsible and lazy later in life. Not me. I will not be wasting my money paying college tuition or supporting them when they can't afford the lifestyle their father has made them accustomed to. That is mom and dad's problem.
Once you take yourself out of the equation, you can no longer be the excuse for dad to ignore his children's poor behavior.Some of us become scapegoats and we have to take ourselves out of the line of fire in order to protect ourselves.
I understand what you both
I understand what you both are saying. I am definitely going to give it a try. The only thing I feel like I have to stick with is the bedtime for the simple fact that I don't want SD up all hours of the night bothering me when it is adult time and when I need my sleep because I have to get up for work in the morning. I don't even care if she goes to sleep but she needs to be in her room. Other than that, her father can deal with her. I am going to give it a shot!
Keep in mind the physical
Keep in mind the physical disengagement is easier than the emotional. You have to bite your tongue a lot.
Yes, the other night (when I
Yes, the other night (when I made up my mind to start disengaging), I came home from work and made dinner and the first thing out of SD's mouth when I sat my fiance's plate down on the table was "you guys always have nasty stuff for dinner" (it was pork chops.. nothing crazy) OMG it took all I had not to flip out on her. Such an ungrateful brat.
"then don't eat it" brat You
"then don't eat it" brat
You are allowed to stick up for yourself. I might have ignored it too though. It could come off as you picking on her. DH can see that she says such ungrateful things and you keep your mouth shut. It was probably a good call.