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How to Set Boundries...

luv2laff's picture

I am wondering about boundries in a situtation like mine.. Here is the back story.

Short Back Story. BF has two kids 3 and 7, I have one of my own she is 10. We have been together for two years and living together for 1. His XWife walks all over him, they have 50/50 custody and since she doesnt work, they go to school by her house and until she finds a job she is "daycare" on the days that he would have them while he is at work, I dont agree that is the best thing for the children but what an i do.

Anyway my BF is great, and our family is great however, neither one of them have boundries with each other, she consistantly tells him to "f" off and uses bad language in front of the kids to make him look bad. God forbid he doesnt answer the phone because that makes it so that she texts him nasty things and yells at him through VM, knowing the kids are right there and she just keeps going with it. I am prepared to let him deal with that, afterall that part is not my battle, I do NOT deal with her in any way, but when things start effecting my plans, thats when i get angry! Example: my daughter had a preformance and it was only going to last about 2 minutes on stage, so my BF made special plans to get off work early, pick up the kids and be home in plenty of time, so he tells his x the plan well in advance and she agrees, only when its time to pick up the kids she is over a half hour away and needless to say my daughters feelings were hurt because her brother, sister and dad were not there. He told his X the next day about how he didnt make the preformance and it was unacceptable, she laughed at him right in front of the kids and told him that that was not her problem.

These are the things he needs to set his boundries on, his X is consitantly late, does not disclose School Information when she is supposed and calls my BF horrible names and refuses to cooperate 99% of the time. I am beside myself on what to do, I feel bad for my Stepson and Stepdaughter, well soon to be, and I see the effects of her comming out of them when they are home, example eating with their hands, yeah 3 and 7 years old... telling their dad they he HAS to buy them something, ect..ect..

Can someone please relate? Thanks for listning!

Happyhippos242's picture

I can relate to a lot of what your saying - if you check out my blogs you will see what kinda BM i'm dealing with. My FDH is TERRIBLE with setting boundaries with his ex. If he doesn't answer the phone or a text she loses it and its the same thing - screaming a cursing and name calling. She calls at all hours of the night and will call over and over again until she gets what she wants. If she can't get a reaction from him she used to attack me on myspace.

He has his son on the weekends and if something comes up where a certain weekend there is something going on or we're going out of town, etc. he will let the ex know with enough time in advance to make plans accordingly. But almost EVERY time he sets up a kid free weekend she just shows up out of the blue with his son because she has things to do. Even the pick up and drop off times are always dictated by the BM. If we are supposed to pick ss up at noon she will text at 11:50 and say "sorry" you cant come by right now I will let you know when I will be home....and by 7 pm we might here from her - obviously ruining any chance of making plans for our Saturday afternoon. The same things happen when trying to take ss home. And then she gets mad that we don't take him out to do fun stuff often enough!!

Anyway, clearly there are no boundaries with the ex/BM and it drives me nuts. FDH will never put his foot down because every little thing sets her off and its easier just to deal with her than piss her off. I disagree but I don't get too much say. Doubt this helped you too much but your definitely not alone with this topic.

oneoffour's picture

OK I may sound callous here but ... these kids aren't her brother and sister. He isn't her father.

You have a 10 yr old on stage for a couple minutes and your BF has to miss work to see it? And the other kids have to go as well?

Knowing this woman as you do weren't you setting up for heartbreak of some kind?

How long has he been divorced? He has a 3 yr old so it must be recent.

OK you want some techniques, I will give you some....

Turn the volume down very low on the VM and never listen to messages when the kids are around. They do not need to hear this.

If she is verbalising obscenities in a public place (ie the street) HE tells her to watch her dirty language or he WILL report her for disturbing the peace or whatever law holds in your area.

If the kids eat with their fingers, take their food away and cut it up and give it to them with spoons. They haven't been taught any different so you cannot expect good table manners to be instinctive. Baby steps with that one.

Document every time she is late or witholds the kids. This will come in handy later in court. If she plays games as she has been doing, make sure all correspondence is saved. My daughter nailed her baby's father during a custody trial because she saved all his goofy threatening texts to her email address. It is called a trail of evidence.

If arrangements are broken then your BF needs to simply tell the kids "Sorry you couldn't come." and leave it at that. Just let it go. Don't blame their mother because it just means she 'won' again.

It sounds to me this is just her marking her 'turf' namely still having her ex's balls in her little grubby hands and no woman will replace her in her children's lives... damnit.

Now as far as TELLING Dad he has to buy something. Simple word is "No". It isn't in your budget. however if they want to do a few chores then they can 'earn' the item.

I found out fighting my SSs whole world including that of their mother is a lost cause. DH and I could only comtrol OUR world. Also keep information between the ex and your family to a minimum.

I don't understand why a 10 yr old already refers to man she has only known 2 yrs as her 'dad' is in her best interest. If she does so around the 7 yr old he/she was previously the oldest and is now replaced with this 10 yr old who is taking their Daddy away because she is there all the time. Well tha tis how I would play it if I were the ex.

I would start with minimalising the damage from your end. This is YOUR home and if you allow VMs like this to be played within the childrens hearing then you are endangering them as much as she is. Also see if you can record the VMs and hold them for future reference. If she keeps up the present rate inside 6 mths you may have enough evidence to take her arse to court.

And one day when your BF has had ewnough of this crap he can tell her this "Look, for the past xx months I have a record of all your VMs and emails and texts. You want to take this to court or not? So start obeying the court agreement or else."

luv2laff's picture

@happyhippos Thank you, it is nice to know that I'm not the only one out there Smile

@oneoffour, thank you kindly for the advice however. I guess I should have stated things ALLOT more clear. My BF and I have only been dating for two years soon to be three I guess I should have said that he has been divorced since right after sd3 was born and bf and I have known each other since ss7 was 3. I never knew her that well because she was always doped up on the couch tLking about how awful her family was. The kids only eat like slobs with her and it is like retraining them everytime they come home which is exactly half the time. And the biggest correction, it is not us allowing them to hear nasty vm it is when she leaves them, hearing the kids in the back or ss7 asking why she was saying third things. As much as I appreciate the advice I sort of feel like I am being judged by you and awas just looking for ppl in like situations is all. Maybe I came to the wrong forum.

Happyhippos242's picture

You didn't come to the wrong place - TONS of people on this website are going through the same thing and unfortunately lots are going through far far worse. I feel bad for everyone ST dealing with the needless drama but it does make me feel better that I am not alone in feeling worry & anxiety over situations I feel are out of my control. Why does everything need to be so complicated??

tofurkey's picture

Agreed, you didn't come to the wrong place. There are some extremely opinionated people on here, and while you will have many people replying who are in the same situation and support how you feel, with that as well will bring views from the other end of the spectrum. Smile

luv2laff's picture

P.s. I have been a single mother for 7 years and have been very careful not to set my daughter up for failure, her performance was an opening act and he left work early to ensure that bm couldn't be late enough to screw up our plans. She doesn't call him dad and does think of the other two as siblings but regardless of a marriage cert we are still a blended family trying to love, respect and be each others family, I don't know why it is wrong for my daughter to think that. We will someday be married and BM couldn't split us up if she tried, sometimes just knowing others in like situations can be helpful to vent to and give a little understanding.

skylarksms's picture

Best thing is - DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT. But DON'T let BM know that you are. That would give her a chance to make up a bunch of crap.

Your BF WILL end up going to court if he gets sick enough of BM's behavior. The best thing you can do is to help him be prepared.

oneoffour's picture

Thanks for the clarifications. Minimal information can be misconstrued. In your first post you referred to him as 'her Dad' . I misunderstood that as what she called him. I apologise for that.

OK, so you hear her doing the crazy arsed VMs with the kids in the background. Please PLEASE record and save these. It is further evidence she is unfit to be a parent for you in the future. She is burying herself by screaming VMs with her children listening to her and being heard on the VMs.

I know the pain of retraining the kids every time they come over. Honestly I do. Maybe offer them a treat ... If you eat nicely at our house for 1 month we will go out to a restaurant for dinner. Red Robin whatever. Just nothing with a drivethru.

It ALL becomes about what happens at your house. You can't change the world but you can control your home.

My teenaged SS would not flush the toilet. Apparently his mother does it still. He puts down the lid and she comes along afterwards. So we warned him and the next time he did it, we took the toilet seat off.

Your FDH needs to stand his ground with her. He should call and tell her he is on his way. He gets there and she isn't there, he calls the police and lodges a complaint. Nothing will happen to her, but the paper trail (OMG that is so important) will bog her down forever. He should always carry a copt of the court order with him. And maybe the cops will tell her she HAS to let the kids go with him.

See, she is treating him just like she used to treat him. And sadly he is behaving a little like he used to. It is a crazy arsed dance that need to change.

Trust me, we retrained my DDs ex BF to be nicer and even my DHs ex is getting better.