Opinions/stories/advice 100% Welcome!
Ok so I have a SD5, SS8 and a BD11. BD and I are to be married on July 1st, I have been with him for 4 years, everything in our house is great, we live roughly 45 miles of BM and we also have 50/50 custody, so they actually live with us at least half the time. So BM is not very responsible and I know that allot of you go through that, however lately my SS8 hasn’t been going to school, she lives 5 minutes away, her car broke so any kind for excuse to keep him home from school she takes it. Yesterday it was too cold to walk two blocks, however was not too cold to drag bot SD and SS to two different banks on the bus, today it was he had a slight cough and she didn’t want to make it worse, he didn’t even call the find out if any more details than that. Anyway what bothers me more than the stuff that she does is the way that BD condones this behavior. He doesn’t say it is ok but always says he has to do this stuff for his kids, I am not really sure how to get him to put his foot down… scratch that, how do I get him to understand that if he always helps her she will never learn to help herself. It is frustrating and seems a little unfair to the rest of us that own up to our responsibilities. Anyway… sometimes I feel alone but most of the time I know there are others out there that go through similar things. How do I get him to realize that he is not only condoning her behavior and in return making a 40 year old woman even more codependent, but is also driving a wedge between us, I can handle the ex-wife and her crazy issues, but don’t think I can marry a man that says he loves his kids but will not fight her on important issues, such as the kids going to school? Anyone have any stories? Opinions? Advice? BTW, BD is not a bad guy and aside from things like this we are happy and don’t have allot of issues. I love my Skids and he loves my BD but I just cannot act like it is ok to keep your kids home from school or it is ok to call your ex-husband every time there is any kind of an issue. We stay out of her life, I wish she would find other ways to deal with things when the kids are at her house, she is 40 years old and they have been divorced for a lot of years now.
I am VERY Confrontational so
I am VERY Confrontational so this is what I would do
Flat out tell him if it isnt about the kids he has no need to speak to BM. If it isnt effecting the kids health/safety there is no need for her to contact him. I would ask him flat out who he wants to be with you or BM. I also asked my FDH how he would like it if I talked to my ex's everyday or did things for them/with them he threw back well you dont have kids. Well I lost it on him and said half the Bull poop she calls you about isnt about the kids, a leaking sink does not effect their safety, her love life going down hill does not effect their well being, Her having a flat tire is not your job to fix/replace it. It was a huge fight, and that was a couple of years ago. My FDH has come a long way and there are still a few bumps to work out, but he no longer jumps when BM says too.
Honestly if it bothers you now it will only get worse when you do marry. I personally feel you may have to have the talk with him. But be prepared it may be a knock out fight....just remember fighting can be healthy for relationships and it can bring you closer together in the end as long as you both want to work past everything.