The Skids are literally breaking my spirit!
I am currently involved with a Man who is the parent of 2 boys, 15 and 12. He has asked me to marry him. He is hard working and all the things I always thought I wanted in a man. Lately I have slept alone alot because the fighting is just crazy and it's all about my soon to be Skids. I myself am the parent of 2 girls, age 21 and 17, neither live with me because of school of choice stuff. Oldest is on her own, youngest stays with a relative to be closer to school. Truth is she could commute from my home but the stress of the Skids is to much for her to deal with. She says I am not myself. She says she has never seen me like this. I am from the South, I now live in the North. It seems parenting is a lot different here or at least what I am used too. I need advice. These Skids are completely out of control. The BM is a complete dish rag and the BF is just to damn nice in my opinion. There are so many things I could share but I might get into that later all I know is in my heart I find myself wishing this man didn't have kids and what is worse is I hate feeling that way. It is easy for me to think it but then when I start to really evaluate I know that it is how they were raised and how do I go back in time and correct that. I can't!!!!
CONFUSED IN MICHIGAN
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So I am reading alot of posts
So I am reading alot of posts tonight and I am thinking I should just get the hell out of here. Love is not all you need. I cannot live my life with Skids disrespecting me all the damn time.
Love is not always enough and
Love is not always enough and there is not just one love out there for each of us. You can find someone else to love, whom you will not have to lose a piece of yourself for.
As someone who has never wanted kids, I would not have stuck around had my SD23 been a hellion.
Listen to your daughter, and
Listen to your daughter, and go home. Be with YOUR family. Read all our stories here and please believe us, this life is not for everyone. Put yourself and your family first.
I can tell you I am not ready
I can tell you I am not ready for it, I am young, almost 40, I want a man with a backbone, i want passion, I want to have happy nights, not have to worry about what kind of trouble the "BOYS" got into today and how it's gonna affect us. I have been dealing with it, tried talking to them, therapy, presents, being friend with BM, getting more involved with school, you name it I have done it and still their bad behaviors continue. My best friend explains to me i stay not because of my love for my BF but because i know what it's like to live without having parents who care and I see myself in these boys? I am not sure if that is true, it feels somewhat right but as a step parent I feel my hands are tied. Like no matter what I ever do, it will not be the right answer. i will miss my BF but honestly i just can't take it. Dealing with his kids is worse than losing my mom and that by far was worst day of my short life.
Well technically it's only
Well technically it's only been a couple years we have been together and honestly I have tried everything under the damn son and i just get tormented back. I should have known in the early stages. I am just going to vent for a minute. I am a former smoker. Not long after we moved in together i stepped outside and had a smoke. When i was done I came in laid my smokes and lighter on the end table never for a second thinking these Skids would steal my smokes. Anyway they did and got caught by Dad and what do you think happens? He tells them get in the living room, why did you do that? No reply and so he gets mad and comes in the bedroom and yells at me for leaving them out there to begin with!?! I mean really!!! WTF. I should have known then. I have stayed because I do love him, we have alot of good times most of the time but the truth is anytime I bring up an issue regarding discipline or just answer his questions, it turns to a fight. Period a fight.
I feel as the the BF and the BM have let these children down, it's a shame because part of me knows that it is not their fault but at the same time when i know they are coming, i literally am on the toilet half the day, my stomach is in knots, my nerves on edge, the steel wall comes up around my heart.
The BF works all the time and when an issue does arrive he doesn't want to deal with it. His famous quote is "I work all day, I shouldn't have to come home and deal with this" and I am like well that is what you choose when you decided to have kids, duh???
To quotes he said to me which in the deepest part of my heart I know this will and could not be my home forever. Although he apologized as soon as he said it, it doesn't take the pain away, it was like him slicing my heart with a million razor blades.
He Said
1. Why do you care so much
and
2. You need to mind your own business
Really, I wouldn't have to make it my damn business if he would stop being such a pussy all the time when it came to them. I am a woman, a mother, a loving person, of course I care about seeing his children grow and prosper and be happy.
Truth is Jail is in their future, NO DOUBT, in the last year and half, both have been suspended over 12 times the youngest just got caught having drugs at school and the oldest just told his dad to F@#$ Off and to go and F#$% himself. I mean where do I go from here? The BF just stands there and say's I don't know what's wrong with them, Why are they doing this? Are you kidding me?
I don't claim to be the perfect parent by any means but I do know one thing, respect and discipline and consequences have to start in that toddler phase. My girls have put me thru some things, true but neither have EVER cussed me, raised a hand to me, or mumbled while walking away from me. EVER! The worst so far is my oldest and I were in a fight, she was 19, it got very heated and she turned walked out and got in car and left. I immediately called my mother who is deceased now, RIP, I called and started venting, LOL and she said calm down Sweetie, I just got off phone with my BGD and she said she had to leave because she was getting ready to call you a Bitch and she knew you would have her ass, I kind of smiled and chuckled a little because as mad as I was, that is what i taught her. You can think anything, that is why you have a brain but don't you ever cuss me, disrespect me and to this day she hasn't.
I am scared to leave, almost 40 never married, I often think I won't find anyone again but at this stage it might be better to leave, i have tried to disengage but then he asks for my damn advice on what to do with his damn brats!!!!
Any comments are so appreciated.
Would you rather be with your
Would you rather be with your BF and miserable?
Or would you rather be back home, happy and with the people that truly love you?
It is only worth being in a relationship if you are being treated well by the person you love. Do you really want to stay in a relationship with someone that cares so little about your feelings?
His kids are the least of your problems. The issue here is your BF does not respect you or care enough about your feeling to step up and protect you from his kids.
My advice? Not that you asked for it, is to start planning your exit strategy and go back to where you once felt loved and respected. At some point the right person will come into your life. The trick is not to put any value in how old you are when it happens. Especially since you already have two grown daughters.
LOL, i did ask for advice and
LOL, i did ask for advice and any i take with an open heart and wide eye and you are right. I think this page is like a surrogate mother in a way as weird as that sounds but i just can't call her and hear her voice. i guess I need help over coming my fears of starting over alone. i do want and deserve happiness and you are right he doesn't appreciate or respect me.
He told you to mind your own
He told you to mind your own business? No shit..... And your still there. Go back and read that last post you wrote. Pretend it was a dear friend who wrote to you asking your opinion.
What would you tell her?
I would tell her to leave,
I would tell her to leave, thank you, it just hurts so f$%^%Y^ing bad.
I think the reason it hurts so much is because he admits all my ideas, opinions, etc... are right but it seems to me that he is afraid to stand up to them, it's like he is the kid and they rule the roost and the way i was raised, it's like oh hell no, it just doesn't seem normal to me and I know i can't ignore it or detached myself, it's not in my nature.
He's afraid to stand up to
He's afraid to stand up to children.
Imagine what it will be like when they are adults.
I can only see jail, drugs,
I can only see jail, drugs, abusive behavior and probalby still living with their BM or BF. They have no social skills, no manners, no knowledge of the real world, no respect, they have nothing but their damn mouths.
No i agree with you a zillion
No i agree with you a zillion percent, that is exactly how i was raised and how i raised my girls and that is one reason my daughter is like MOM????
I find it funny too that when his kids aren't here he doesn't call them every night and tell them good night, they don't call him unless they want something, i get a call or text from both my girls every damn day, every day. It's so confusing. BF is all about work, work, work, money, money, money, no vacations, sex life is pitiful in my opinion, no passion, ironically he thinks it's all good, go figure.
These kids back talk 24/7, mumble all the damn time, walk out when we are speaking to them and BF just sits there and is like, I don't know and i am about to explode.
Time to walk away and find my happiness again. Now I just have to work on an exit stategy, it's hard though cause car is down right now and I just put all my trust into him and well now I feel like a prisoner on Alcatraz.
I am from Helen, Georgia,
I am from Helen, Georgia, LOL, how do I PM?
Very cool, well I lived there
Very cool, well I lived there for over 20 years, worked at Paul's Steakhouse, well all over really, LOL,
Story i would like to share.
Story i would like to share. When I lived in Georgia, I dated a great guy, we were perfect together, he had a daughter but she lived with his mother, he paid his support, saw her, was involved but at a distance. When we started dating I inquired about this and he said he didn't find out about her till she was 11, he had a hard time building the relationship. He was still a good man though. Anyway he was good to my girls yes but the relationship kind of stalled and then he confessed. If i didn't have kids or if they were already grown he would have already asked me to move in with him. I got very upset and then he explain, it's not them it's just he knew himself and he had always lived alone, didn't worry about babysitters, etc... that comes with having kids and he just didn't want to give that up at the age of 42. i got over it. We are still friends. I now know what he meant. i wish i had never started this relationship.
Need Advice. I am gonna leave
Need Advice.
I am gonna leave but I can't just blurt it out, he will go insane and I can't handle that right now. Should I just leave in silence or write a letter? Any ideas?
I agree with Melody. Get your
I agree with Melody. Get your ducks in a row and then leave without warning.
From now until then, you already have his "permission" to mind your own business. Which I would consider a green light to disengage, so back away from any parental involvement and live your life.
You didn't mention it but do you have a job? Your own checking account? Can you sell the car and use the money to move and get back on your feet in GA?
Well sadly my car is stuck in
Well sadly my car is stuck in Georgia at the mechanics. I went there to visit and that's where it broke. I am currently not working. After losing my mom I kind of just had a mental breakdown and well my BF said hey i got it take summer off and relax. I tried his kids made that impossible. So now here no job, no car, however I have my girls and a wonderful new grandson and I have on really good friend who has said the spare room is open anytime I need it and for as long as I need it. I guess my ego is just fucking with me right now, it's like I am losing this battle and that screws with my head. I know it's childish but that is what goes thru my mind. It will be hard going there but I also know that it will be ok eventually. Everyone who loves me say's the same thing, that I am not me or "What happened to you" it's like i have become a shell of the firecracker woman I used to be. My daughter is just flabber gasted because she is like mom you would never let me get away with this stuff but you let the boys, i can't do anything, they are not mine. BF just told me the other night stand up to them and I am like shit I would if I weren't afraid of getting screamed at by you.
I am sleeping alone again tonight because of his son who isn't even here. SS15 called dad to ask if I would order his 120 shoes online and this comes 4 nights after telling his dad to F#$%% off. He tells his dad he needs them because his other shoes are falling apart. Bullshit they are not and he knows it, Dad is like I will think about it, he hangs up with son and asks me what do i think and I very plainly stated i do not agree. BF has gotten no apology at all and the kid is just trying to pull at heart strings cause that has always work. I refuse. I see this as a test of WILLS. Dad doesn't want to see it. I think he afraid they won't love him. Like I said A living hell for me here. and he wonders why I don't fucking smile.
Also though friend is helping
Also though friend is helping me with car, he knows my hell, been friends since i moved here and he is the one person i truly trust. Crazy how you find a great guy and you are not physically attracted to them in anyway but emotionally yes and the one I am physically and emotionally attracted too is a dish rag for a father. i give up already.
Ding! Ding! Ding!.......Run,
Ding! Ding! Ding!.......Run, Run real fast. You have just seen the tip of the iceberg. You were the scapegoat he chewed out. You got in trouble (treated like a child) for something HIS kids did. You are told "why do you care so much?" What in the HELL does he expect? Just think about that one. If you didn't give a flying flip he would really not like that either so no matter what, your damned. Mind your own business? What? These brats are in your environment which makes it YOUR BUSINESS! Sorry sweetie but it really is better to be alone and miserable than with this family and miserable. His actions tell you who he is. Believe him. Get out. Begin healing. Surround yourself with those that love you and are on YOUR side. Good luck.
I know, I slept on couch
I know, I slept on couch tonight and well really didn't sleep, I thought a lot. It is 4:30 AM now and he is gone to work now and so I have come into my bedroom but b4 I try and get some rest I had to post my thoughts. Thoughts about the 2 comments he made to me
Why do you care so much? First off if either of the parents cared I wouldn't have too so damn much. If either of these parents had done their damn job from the get go these young men wouldn't be starving for attention and they would know respect, manners, something a little about life. They are clueless just like their parents and so the cycle will continue. BF gets mad because I am the one in the beginning that brought shit to his attention and kind of forced him to deal with shit and he resents me for that. I guess ignoring shit is much easier to both of these parents. Funny that the DA of our county told the BM he is surprised that these kids have not been expelled already or gone to Juvie, it will happen, trust me. Also BF has already said more than once this was going on way b4 you and I and all i could think was really. They are still so young so what that tells me is he was scared of them when they were under 10, are you kidding me. Now both my girls are bigger than I but you can bet your ass the day either of them disrespect me they will be picking themselves off the damn floor and I dare them to call damn cops on me, it will never happen. They have a healthy respect for me always have, always will because i demand nothing less. Parents now a days are dish rags plain and simple, not all of course.
These boys are so disrespectful in the sense that I took them Shopping with me one day and there was a bigger lady riding one of those electric things ya know and both kids are like ha ha look at her she is so fat, blah, blah, blah, and I turned around and said shut up Jesus have you no heart, I mean they said it loud enough for her to hear. My heart was crushed. That could have been my mom, my aunt, my family and what's worse this woman might have naturally assumed these 2 were my biological kids and that broke my heart too, I kind of wanted to rush over and explain they weren't but i didn't. i felt so ashamed.
Second Comment he made - Why don't you mind your own business - ok well I have seen in earlier posts that he has given me permission to remove myself and tips on here about how to exit and I am going to follow that for sure but what happens until I leave when he asks my opinion? If I kindly say I don't have one or however I put it he will take it and run and a fight is unavoidable but also i wonder why it is ok for me to take these brats shopping, plan their B-day parties, go pick up friends, run them around all homecoming weekend, do all this shit for them when it benefits kids or dad and he is happy but the minute I say something about correcting behavior or maybe get upset because he won't then i am told mind my own damn business.
I now know why we have so many rotten ass kids in this world because it starts with rotten ass parents. What a shame, I just don't understand why it is so hard for parents to discipline their kids, it's not rocket science here.
I thought being a parent meant to raise your children to survive in a world without you. That is the way my mother raised me and it seemed to work and it is how I have raised mine and they are wonderful. These boys can't survive shit.
Good night.
Just, leave, like seriously
Just, leave, like seriously the moment you wake up and realise that you have lost yourself and that you are altering your behaviour in FEAR of being yelled at by your partner you are on the start of a downward spiral if you stay.
I have issues with the whole sleeping apart thing, if you are sleeping apart then neither of you cares enough about the other to fix things and make things right. You should never go to sleep on an argument, when comments are made and hurts taken and its not fixed it just ferments. Clearly you sleeping apart isnt doing a damn thing because he doesnt care, if he cared he would be talking things through and if you cared enough to save this relationship youd be doing the same. Its over, you are just going through the motions because of your pride.
You have said you struggle with the idea that you will have failed, well you know what? We are human and we do make mistakes, sometimes relationships dont work out but do you know what is the biggest failure? Betraying yourself and betraying your daughters by staying with this man who doesnt treat you how you deserve and is using you as his emotional and verbal punching bag.
You had a tough time when you lost your mum, you are entitled to that but it doesnt mean you are useless, it doesnt mean you are dependant on this man. thats not you, you can get back on your feet and you can do it without this disrespectful excuse of a man. He wants you to mind your own business, do it, put you and your daughters first. You daughter doesnt live with you because she cant stand them either, and because she cant stand seeing her mother being someone shes not, does that not break your heart? You have essentially given up your daughter for this man, you justify it to yourself because of her age and her school but ultimately if you werent living with this guy who treats you as a doormat you'd have your daughter with you too.
You have acknowledged the problem you know what you have to do so do it. Take a day, pack your shit and go. Tell him you are leaving and go, block his number and cut him out your life. Its over
Your right and I am crying my
Your right and I am crying my eyes out right now, how could i let my daughter down? My only answer is I was scared and your right because if I really cared which not saying I don't but sleeping apart is awful. I mean I should be able to go in an fix it but it's just I have tried so many times and I am just broken. Crying is a good thing, it's not always easy to hear the truth but you are so right. My daughter is my world and she is such a good girl and deserves to be happy. Her excact words to me was Mom if you need to stay fine but I don't have too, I won't blame you but she misses me, the woman I used to be. I am feeling like such a fuck up right now. I hope she can forgive me. I find it hard right now to forgive myself for even letting it get this far. Thank you.
Yeah, tears are ok, you are
Yeah, tears are ok, you are allowed to grieve for a loss of a relationship. At the end of the day its a loss, its a broken promise, its a waste of time and its the realisation that you are going to need to start over. I wonder whether theres a part of your brain that thinks you are better sticking it out with this guy because that would be better than being alone? But so many people will tell you there is nothing more lonely than feeling lonely in a relationship or in a marriage.
Your daughter deserves to be happy yes but so do you, your daughter is nearly an adult but she still looks to you. You need to be showing her that no, no matter what the situation is you do not allow a man to treat you badly. Be thankful that you arent married, you can end this with little drama, there are no shared children, you are free. Take a bit of time to get back on your feet and move on with your life.
good luck
i am leaving period.
i am leaving period.
also let me just say she
also let me just say she didn't just move out because of him or his kids, she went to stay at grandmas to be closer to school and her stuff was still here however after she was gone for a couple weeks she confessed she was happier not being here and yes it broke my heart, of course, it's only been a month and a half and it has torn me up every damn day but it's hard to leave when you have no damn family or friends near you. I have been planning an exit strategy the whole time and it's just now coming together. I only posted last night so i could re assure myself that I am not damn crazy like i am told almost on a daily basis. Thanks for the advice from everyone but make no mistake I love my daughter always have. I have always been completely honest with her and she knew i had no where to go but she could and I think me letting her go was my way of showing my unconditional love that I do have for her. I am getting out this weekend.
I was thinking the same thing
I was thinking the same thing as Second Generation. You are not married. You are only two years into this relationship. You are only 39yo. Turn tail and run! I have been with my DH for seven years, married for five and SDs (19 and 13) with us FT for two years. BM died in 2013. I have started having thoughts just like you over the past few months. SD19 is a bitch, SD13 is a lost dork. I can't fix them. DH is the kindest guy in the world, but why won't he listen to how "I" feel?
The tides are turning for me, too and I am considering starting therapy without telling him. I am wondering if I should open a second bank account without telling him. I am wondering if I should move back to my rental property in 10 weeks. It all scares the hell out of me.
I am further "in" than you are, made my vows, etc. You can start fresh! There is nothing better and more exciting! And for your daughter to notice how changed you are? That is very telling. You need to get back to YOU.
I applaud you for figuring this out so soon, after just one summer with these brats FT. You go, Girl. Get a storage unit and start putting things in it when he's at work. Then rent a UHaul, load your stuff up and leave town.
The peaches are calling your name, keep us posted! We understand how you feel. Problem is, SMs can never win, never ever ever. So leave with your head held high and start again.
~ Moon
Thank you, he doesn't know i
Thank you, he doesn't know i am leaving yet but this is the plan but i did tell him today that i want nothing to do with the kids period. he told me to mind my own business and so I am going to but that the fact that he doesn't want my 2 cents when it comes to behavior then he need not ask me to do any damn thing. He didn't like that at all. he said you expect me to choose you over them and I said no that is not what I said at all I just don't want to be involved in anyway period. Dont ask me to drive, don't ask my opinion, I think he knows it's over but he won't tell me to leave so when i do leave i think it will be a shock. He thinks i am weak and that he has done a great job at breaking me down.
Start calling friend and
Start calling friend and family, see if anyone can front you a train or bus ticket back home.
Take only necessities. If he starts in on you, think of your daughter and how disappointed she would be. Get back to the people who love you and want you in their lives.
It can be as easy or as complicated as you want it to be.
Here is a very helpful link to some sound advice if any of it should apply to your particular situation.
Practical Advice for Leaving A Bad Relationship
http://community.motherinlawstories.com/forum/showthread.php/16596-Pract...
This is not a Step forum, but a Mother in Law site, however the ladies there have some serious battle experience.....
http://community.motherinlawstories.com/forum/search.php?searchid=989511
thanks but my daughter only
thanks but my daughter only lives about 30 minutes from me and i have a friend i can go stay with and once i am there she will be there too, i don't have alot of stuff anyway so i just have to get a ride out of here and this weekend is the perfect time to do it.