This is my first blog entry. Partly for my own historical account - partly for help - partly just to see if I'm crazy. And partly, I feel guilty putting all my dirty laundry up here...but anyway...here goes...

I feel lost. I can’t stop crying. I have spent the entire day crying – it’s pathetic. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I keep thinking I need therapy – medication. Maybe this is depression. I don’t know. I haven’t been like this in a long time. It actually scares me on some level because I don’t know where this is coming from.

My husband spent the entire day with SD today. Backstory: Yesterday, she showed us a PowerPoint she had to do for school describing 10 members of her family. She included her BM, and Aunt, Uncle and Grandmother (all on her mom’s side), and then her BM’s boyfriend (who she refers to as her “stepdad”) and his kids who she refers to as (Stepsister and stepbrother). So here’s the deal – technically, they aren’t her stepdad, or stepsiblings – it just so happens that BM has been with this guy and his kids so long that she considers them “step.” Personally, it makes sense to me. I mean, it’s been 10 years they’ve all been together, and she spends a lot of time with all of them and they get along – so what’s the problem? Well, the problem is BM left DH for the “stepdad” – WHO was my DH’s BEST MAN at their wedding. Yeah…I know. So naturally, DH HATES this guy – I mean HATES him. Of course, that makes sense. And naturally he HATES the idea of his daughter calling this loser “stepdad.” He told me last night that he feels he’s been “replaced.”

Well…so I consoled him last night. I told him it was confusing for SD to have all these players in her life, and so that is why she considers them as technically family – I mean…like I said, in a way they are. But I also told him I understood his feelings…and that it makes sense because this “stepdad” is a total d*ck and of course he doesn’t want to share his 1 and only child with this guy. But what can you do? Anyway, we NEVER badmouth the BM or this guy in front of his daughter – when she showed us the PP I said it was “awesome” (and quite frankly – she did a good job on it – AND she included me and made nice comments about me in it so I had nothing to complain about).
The thing is…so now he feels even guiltier - like he’s losing his daughter. He even said that last night – it’s as if “he lost, and they won.” I told him that’s not the case. That as his daughter grows up she’ll begin to see things differently and may start to ask questions…so just to wait.

But anyway, so he spent ALL DAY with her today. Took her to Starbucks where they hung out. For like 2 hours. Then they came home for a while, my DH when into his mancave, and then said he’d help her set up this thing in her room at 3. They did that, and then they hung out on the couch together with DH watching TV and SD sitting with him reading her Kindle. Then he said to her “where do you want to go for dinner?” So he took her to her favorite restaurant and they ate there and then when out for frozen yogurt together. I’m sure if I wanted to come I could – but earlier – after DH came home he was doing the dishes. He broke a glass and blamed me for “loading up the sink” therefore it was MY fault it broke. (Meanwhile all the f’in dishes came from HIM and his daughter – they were just sitting out dirty on the counter so I put them in the sink in an attempt to straighten up). Then he comes to me and says that he wishes we were more of a “team” because HE has to take out the trash and recycling. Meanwhile WHO the F*CK does all the cleaning around here? I CLEAN the bathrooms. I CLEAN the house. But we’re not a team!!?!? So I told him “FINE - I’ll take out the trash and recycling.” I told him “to be honest, I don’t know when they come to pick up ‘cause that is something you always did and I just sort of assumed that it’s your job.” And he said, well, I just want one of us to do it when it gets full. I said ok. I said – I felt it’s easier to know what one’s job is in the house and just to do that job – but if he wants me to do trash and recycling too, just let me know when they come to pickup and I’ll do it. So I took out the recycling and trash (he helped a bit) and then when for a walk alone.

Anyway – so after that I came home and got really upset. The tears started flowing and they haven’t stopped. I guess I finally realized just how unhappy I’ve been. I mean, I feel like such a visitor here. I am starting to wonder – “what the hell do I get out of any of this?” I mean – I threw out everything – EVERYTHING of my life from before – all my furniture, everything, to make room in this place. Oh sorry – I have two things that are present in this house – my cheap a$$ IKEA desk, and my IKEA chopping block ‘cause DH liked that. But I scrapped every other fucking thing. DH freaks if I want to remove a piece of furniture. He gets pissed – or starts crying! I don’t know how to handle him. I feel like he’s a total pu$$y. I know that’s a disrespectful thing to say…but I do. I don’t know what to do. I feel like he manipulates me by crying or falling apart whenever I bring up an issue or mention changing something. This past year he had hell at his job – no doubt his boss was a total dick and he cried constantly about the job, and the pressure. I gave him tons of support, and luckily, he was let go. So he started collecting unemployment. But somehow he “assumed” it would get renewed and now it’s ended. So monetarily, we have nothing coming in. We get rent from renters upstairs though (thank God). If you’re wondering about how I chip in – well, I was working but left to return to school for my Masters. That was part of the deal. DH said I wouldn’t need to work because with the rent and his unemployment, I could be in school. So this semester I couldn’t take the classes I needed, so I’m not doing jack. I know. But I told him I’d get a job. But I need to take summer classes. So I need to get some temp work. He’s waiting to see if unemployment will get extended, but is also looking for something.

All in all it sucks. It’s stressful as hell. I have money saved. I have always lived very frugally (in a studio apt., little furniture, cheap a$$ car) in order to save. And I have. DH has little saved. He blew it all on this house. Thankfully, it’s not underwater…but he owes A LOT on the mortgage. I really don’t like living here. It’s an open floor plan and I feel like I can’t get away. Plus, I feel like the eternal outsider with DH and SD. It’s not that SD Is mean to me or anything. It’s just like they have this relationship that I feel I cannot enter. I am a conflict-avoidant kind of person naturally, so I just retreat.

It’s my DH’s birthday next week. He just came into our room to say “hi” after our basically not talking all day. I said “hi” back. We talked a bit and he said it seemed silly to argue over a broken glass. I said it’s more than that. I said “I’ve been crying for 12 hours.” He was quiet. And then he goes “well, not to change the subject, but I wanted to see if you’ve made any plans for next week.” I said “what?” He goes – “for next week. It’s my birthday so I wanted to see if you were planning anything.” I said “should I have?” (It’s not like it’s a milestone birthday or anything…I didn’t think he wanted anything planned!!!?!?) He goes – “no. I just thought I’d invite my friends out – but I thought it was kind of lame coming from me.” I said “oh. Well, I didn’t think to plan anything. So no I didn’t.” He goes – “would you mind if I did? Like contact them?” I said “No! Of course not!” He said ok “Well, I’m going to go back down and I’ll be up in a little bit.”

So there you have it. I have tears in my eyes just writing this. What the hell is wrong with me?