Depressed, Lonely, Sad...
I'm back. It's another one of those days. My husband teased me this morning with his "you'll never be ready for kids" comments...(which I've heard numerous times before) whenever I complain about loud children or screaming kids. I know he's just joking, but sometimes it cuts to the quick.
I don't have any kids of my own, and we've played with the idea of having one of our own - but then he goes and says sh*t like that. It pisses me off because he already has a daughter. She's 13 now. He expects me to "love" her like she "loves me." "Why don't you reach out to her?" "_____ loves you - she looks up to you as a role model." "Why do you keep her at arms length?"
I know - in his mind, his daughter is an angel, a victim, to me. The cold one. The one who doesn't care. The one who can't be as "open and loving" as his daughter.
Well I told him - "I'm sorry - I'm just not like that. But I'm doing the best I can."
If anyone has read my older posts, they'd know I came from an extremely abusive, f*cked-up childhood with an INSANE bio-mom who I haven't had contact with in 20 years. I had no sisters. My father left when I was 10. I'm not used to girls. I'm not used to mothers. And this is really tough for me. I'm just not used to the mother-child dynamic. And his daughter is hard for me to be around because it's just not something I'm comfortable with.
But I'm trying. God knows I'm trying. I make "keep her at arm's length" but I'm nice, kind, and never say a bad thing to her. I'm encouraging, and when we do group activities I'm there.
I guess that's the best I can do.
We've been married almost two years. But if my husband keeps making me feel like sh*t, presuming or alluding to the fact that something is wrong with me - than I will leave. I can't deal with this anymore.
I don't think it's fair for him to be so accusatory. I am such a good wife. And I am kind and caring to his daughter.
It's true I'm not super-friendly with her, but I am nice, and like I said, I am caring when we do group events.
Anyway, that's my rant for now.
I got my therapist back and I'm working full-time, so I have a life now - which keeps me sane - outside of the home. I will not let this situation beat me down.
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Comments
It's bullshit for him to
It's bullshit for him to expect you to act like a full-on mother to HIS child. Um... you're NOT her mother and he is being unfair expecting you to feel and act like you are. He can't even begin to judge what kind of mother you will be by how you feel about your stepkid. You will feel light years different about your own child. Sounds like he needs some reality orientation.
^^^^^This^^^^^ I feel very
^^^^^This^^^^^
I feel very different about my kids verses my stepkid. And she lives with me full time. No matter how hard I try - I just do not feel the same about her as I do my own.
Nor does my hubby feel the same about my kids as he does his own child.
I know...and I agree. Thanks
I know...and I agree. Thanks for your comment. I just needed to feel "validated" and not like the "crazy" or "heartless" one he makes me out to be. I know nothing is wrong with me for feeling this way, I just needed some folks to say so and hear it from them. Thank you.
OMG fuck him! I do not like
OMG fuck him! I do not like noise and disrespect and my bios do neither. He is condescending toward you. Ugh Walk away. This turns my stomach into a rage. Your reply should be "mine would be of better genetic make up, sorry you reproduced with white trash"!
Go to a sperm bank.
Tea??? Bourbon! Sista
Tea??? Bourbon! Sista
Thanks everyone for your
Thanks everyone for your comments. I really appreciate you all taking the time to read my blog and give me feedback and constructive criticism.
sueu2 - I do think you're right - I do have low self-esteem and that is something I've struggled with my entire life...so what you say I do believe to be true, and it does hit home - so I appreciate your comments. Thank you.
To Sally, Ughugh, HRNYC, katielee and WTF...REALLY - thank you all too!
He was being a major prick, and what he said I feel wasn't fair, nor was it true - at all. I know myself. I know I'd be a good mother. And I know it IS different with a bio vs. a step - and he just has NO CLUE. Not sure he ever will.... :?
But thank you again everyone for taking the time to read and provide comments - I really appreciate it. And I've said it before, and I'll say it again - this site is a lifesaver!!!