Are Grandskids leverage.?
I may be a little late to the party with blogging these days, but wanted to weigh in on my experience or lack thereof of the stepgrand experience.
It really is what you make of it. When my then then SD actually made a conscious plan to drop out of HS, get pregnant with the first thug who gave her the time of day, producing two kids and other pregancies or two in between that didnt pan out, I made it very clear from the day I found out....before her first was born that there was no well in hell that would ever become my responsibility. I refused to get saddled into becoming babysitter for no reason aside from...I dont want to. Her kids are her job. Period Call me the Ahole all you want.
My dealing with her as exposed her to me as a selfish User who siphons off of others sympathy, I had a feeling that would she come sniffing around , and she has tried...since I know she would those kids as leverage.to fulfill her own emotional needs or to con others into rescuing her from her own choices. Just like her Mama's playbook.
At the time, SD and I were going through yet another years long gap not on speaking terms since we never had a consistently solid relationship. My dealing with her have been very toxic more than half the time I have known her. Once in a while, I might feel flashes of sadness or guilt over how cold I got over her kids. Its not like i hate kids ( even though i never had bios since they arent really my thing anyhow) , but I was never close to SD, then why would I feel that closer to her kids whom ive felt were even more removed from me?
There is the fact that if I show her kids or SD even a tiny sliver of kindness or permission, take it as a green light to expect favors from me whenever she wants.
Its not like I never caught on to how SD has dumped her little darlings on BM and Baby Daddys Mama whenever she has seen fit. Nevemind the fact that SD does this even without a job. Also, SD supposedly absolutely hates her Moms guts most of the time, so what woudl stop her from also pushing her responsibilities on me if I were to let her., someone she gushes over "loving" suddenly?
I felt I got validation of another red flag a few days or so after my FIL passed, and on the way home from the airport from a trip to Florida where my in laws lived then. My SD had gotten into this full out argrument,,,well you might call it a tantrum..with her Mom, who refused to take care of the Grands for an indeterminate amount of time,. I say that because SD decided on a whim she wanted to move to Florida, and wanted her mom to get her kids out of her hair so could "figure something out"meanwhile as usual there just an idea but no plan to reasonably see it through. I never thought I would see the day when I would AGREE with the BM over something, but this was that moment. I would have drawn the line too. Of course that usually sends SD into a full on pouty pity party . I am thinking she only carried out that whole sage and whined about it to DH and I trying to fish for us to swoop in to volunteer to move in her kids because BM wouldnt. Thank God neither of us took the bait by caving in and offering that as a solution. Frankly, I was thinking how I wish I had "accidentally" left her at the airport IN Florida and wouldn't feel so disappointed if she actually left my state..I would gladly send her on her way.
Especially after acting like such an entitled adult brat. That red flag signaled to me how ungrateful she really is. I mean, it wasnt good enough for her that BM and BD Mama had gone out of their way to cater to her babysitting needs so much when they didnt have to. Like she forgot all about that. None of that mattered or met to her satisfaction because she was having a hissy fit because they wouldnt take on HER children for an indefinite amount of time, which is a huge ask and unreasonable..It screams taking too much liberty with someone elses offer for support.
Thats one reason why I dont want to offer her any...and this was my wake up call because back then with my FIL death, I started to feel obligated to reconnect with her. when I really wasnt feeling it.. but her true colors ( once again) coming out because she wasnt getting her way was one of other reasons.
No way am I going to give so much of myself to ungrateful leeches like her. One thing that works my nerves more than I can barely tolerate is an entitled person who thinks that everyone in the world OWES them something. Drives me up the wall. SD's problem is that she needs to understand that no one, especially myself, owes her anything. NO one owes it to her to hand her over a life thats cushy and comfy by just managing everything for her. Just like myself and everyone else in this world have had to get up and figure out how to get it. She is going to have to go out, get off the couch and go get it herself too. Instead, she is always wanting and expecting somebody to come and make it all easy for her. I dont think she gets that this Life is hard for EVERYBODY. And Everbody has to put in the work, everybody got to be consistent and everybody got to be doing their part, pulling their weight.
SD acts like she thinks she is going to sitting just doing nothing but waiting and waiting around for someone else to just come give give give and give some more. If she is not having a rude awakening by now, trust me ..she is about ti be in for one. Telling you that right now. Sorry, stepgrands or not, or whatever , I am DONE dealing with entitled folks who are ungrateful as fuck. .because they always be walking around with their hand out, yet not committed to trying to offer, to do for themselves, not sincere about showing up for somebody else unless it benefits her. No No and NO. It bothers me even more when ( as SD demonsrates to me) and really grates my nerves when SD then has the audacity to try to have an attitude and be mad with her pouty face all hanging down..All up her in feelings all crying about how I ( or someone else) isnt doing this or that for her.Yeah, SD, no one has always got to be giving you something. She got to understand even when someone OFFERS to do something for her or give her anything, especially as a grown ass adult of 30, thats someone doing you a favor. And someone is doing you a favor, it doesn't mean that given task instantly becomes someone elses responsibilty. SD's child rearing expectations are a prime example of confusing those things.
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By the way, this was her idea of sound plan to move to FL from NY .aside from kind of sort of temporarily abandoning her children because she couldn't possibly even fathom formulating this plan if she didnt. I call bullshit on that too. I personally know people who have kids who are practically still infants who planned out and executed the same arrangements to make that same exact move with them in tow, no excuses. no matter how difficult that was to do, but its been done.
Her "plan" also meant relying on living off her tax refund, as if that wouldn't soon run out.She couldn't have been all that worried about financially supporting herself and her family, because she was overly depending her living situation in FL and her words" whether or not my MIL was going to move into an old folks home" Why would she be THAT concerned if she wasnt expecting to all move in with her brood and guilt my MIL into taking care of SD's family..and that always works on MIL too., and SD knows that. SHe knows what she is doing. Like with the tax money, that arrangement would be temporary at best...neither option is due to be around forever. I felt,, and still feel SO Disgusted when she spewed that. Given that , my MIL was a brand new widow, my FIL wasnt even gone for a week, and it would be clear to any sane person that MIL had more than enough of her plate without worrying about whether or not her poor little Pouty Princesses move to FL or not, which wasnt MIL's problem. But in usual SD fashion, she can never let a crisis go to waste so long as she can somehow make it about her.
And yet she cannot fathom WHY I have refused to be falling over myself for her ass and cant run that game on me anymore.
Gks are leverage only if that is tolerated.
Not something we have ever experienced or perpetrated.
We never asked my parents to watch our kid. My brother and SIL did often. When they would drop their kids off with our parents, my mom would call and ask if our kid could come and stay as well. Mom wanted all of her grandspawn. We would drop him off and let him have cousin and grandparent time with my parents. One summer my niece and her mom had a NY trip. Mom and dad decided that the were going to do an RV trip with the boys. So my son and my two nephews went on a couple of weeks adventure with my parents. They all still talk about that when all together with laughter filled stories about the trip. We used to go camping regularly. Those trips created a ton of adventure experiences and laughter filled memories as well.
No kid likely has a single memory of a specific gaming session of the countless gaming sessions they have had. But a kid adventure and active journeys with mom and dad, GPs, friends, etc... create memories that never fade. Ever one of those events is remembered. Every single one.
My IL clan has had a bit of the using GKs as leverage over the years. First was when BIL1's bovine bride sent my FIL a scathing letter about how he would never be grandpa, never have a relationship with their children, etc... So, their kids were not used as leverage for money, or favors, but as a weapon to cause intense hurt to my FIL. He sent that letter to my DW for safe keeping and to be shared with BIL1's eldest whenever my DW decides is prudent. BIL1 and the bovine bride know DW has it and have asked for it back. Nope, it is on deck for giving to BIL1's kids if BIL1 and his bovine bride get shitty enough.
My SIL (DW's youngest sib) played the manipulate the GPs game with her kids. Her MIL ended up as the full time day care for SIL's 2 kids until they were in their teens. Not a good move considering that that GM is a raging alcoholic and extremely overbearing individual. It was such a trainwreck that our nephew (SIL's eldest) was the noxious spawn of hell for many years. First an absolute cry baby coward who was so terrified of getting hurt that being anywhere near him or doing anything with SIL's family was constantly a tear filled whining shit storm. It got so bad that when we were on camping trips or hikes it was a race to get up the hill, climb the rock, climb the tree, hike as far away from the kid as possible leaving him with whoever was the slowest. In the instances where I was bringing up the rear and the brat pulled that crap I just left him and told him not to move until everyone was on their way back. Yes, I left an 8-12yo standing at the bottom of a big rock, or tree, or hill that he did not want to climb. When I caught up with everyone invariably I would get asked where the kid was. I would answer truthfully. "The last time I saw him he was sitting on the ground crying about being too scared to climb up". Interestingly, not once did anyone panic and go running back to get him. Though I would upon occasion get the look or someone would tell me I should not have left him. Not my spawn, not my problem.
SIL's MIL and FIL would participate in those trips upon occasion. The kid would invariably stay with grandma because she was the one that scared the shit out of him about getting hurt that he did zero normal kid exploring or adventures. Though not unusual with so many Millennials and GenZers. Unlike Boomers and Xers who were told to get outside and don't come back until the street lights came on.
We ranged and explored all over the place, Dug forts in fields, built tree houses, hiked for miles in any and all directions, tossed sleeping bags on the the roof and would stay up nearly all night talking, laughing, watching the stars and looking for UFOs, we would get on our bikes and ride as far as we possibly could for hours then turn around and haul ass back to try to be home by dinner time. Snowball fights, mud fights, dirt clod fights, shooting crab apples at each other with wrist rockets, throwing snowballs at school buses and cars, bumper hitching in the snow, jumping off of cliffs into lakes, rivers, and quaries, having sleepovers in someone's basement just being kids, and when we started puberty, playing spin the bottle, strip poker, naked hide and go seek.
BIL1's kids on the otherhand were adventurous, energetic, and would do anything. Not my favorite kids by any means as they have always been lippy and decidedly mean. But they are far more fun to go camping with than SILs kids.
Apparently not many kids these days know anything about outside. Outside is dangerous, stranger danger, bad things happen, etc, etc, etc.
If we were starting over and having kids these days (heaven forbid) I think I would strongly advocate for buying property out of town and adopting the, get out and go explore model of kid raising. Though I would probably be right there with them and instigating most of the mischief.
Fortunately our nephew, SIL's eldest, did turn out to be a very pleasant young man. Though it was a closely run thing for a very long time.
Being a beck and call resource is never a good thing IMHO. Setting and enforcing expectations has far better outcomes for everyone than does allowing breeder spawn to extort GPs and SGPs leveraging them with the GSkids/GKs.
If they can't care for them and feed them. They shouldn't have them. Poor choices by kidults are not the problems of their parents.
IMHO of course.
My SO's daughter, mid-20s,
My SO's daughter, mid-20s, just announced she's coming to visit and bringing her 4-month-old baby with her. This will be the first time my SO has seen his grandchild. SD's baby's dad is the man i had to drive an hour and "rescue" her from over 2 years ago because she said he was abusive. Nobody seems to know where the hell he is now. SD and the baby live with her BM in another state. SD has no job, no education, and debt. And she and her BM have never been able to get along. Think physical altercations. I'm terrified that once SO sees this baby he will go "gaga." And SD will get here and say that things aren't working out at BMs and she and the baby have nowhere to go. Wish me luck, guys!
I do not envy you. Hopefully
I do not envy you. Hopefully your DH has enough sense to know that it would be a terrible idea to have your SD and baby move in.
I also have a SD26 that has physical altercations with BM, (and with OSD) yet BM is the cult leader that YSD follows or visa versa - BM follows YSD26 to wherever she is.
In my view, these SD's made their choice a long time ago. They chose toxic BM over DH and I and they can stick with toxic BM. I don't care if they fight like wild animals. I don't care that BM is a terrible, selfish, unreliable person to be around. SD's made their choice to favor her. They are on the tail end of their 20's. The ship has sailed on DH and I being their support people. I hope no SGK's come along, ever but if SDiabla's do someday have kids, I want nothing to do with them.
I think DH would be charmed by grand babies, who can resist a baby? But, I don't think he would want to babysit by himself and do all the care, feeding, bathing etc so I doubt he will spend much time with them. We as women tend to carry the caregiving load, even as Grandmas we're the one baking cookies and tucking little ones into bed. For that reason, I am not too worried about DH having an interest in getting too involved. (knock on wood)
I raised my own kids. I am enjoying that it's MY time now. I have no interest in babysitting for ungrateful, entitled, drama-filled SD's.
The good thing is, though we
The good thing is, though we've been together 7 years, we are not yet married/living together. Plus after years of being taken advantage of for childcare for my SO and his brothers'(plural!) kids, i have made it clear that even if i am off work doing nothing, i'm not the default babysitter. That bridge was burned years ago by people who didn't bother to formulate a plan to manage their daily lives but tried to make it my emergency.
Oh oh
I think you are correct, she's planning to move in. My SD did a similar thing when she was separated from her first husband. She initially stayed with BM and her husband but the two of them with their volatile natures, the DH who didn't like SD and a baby were too much in a trailer. So she whined to dear old dad and the next thing I knew, she and the baby were here. Thankfully, DH made it crystal clear that I was working full time in a start-up department of our company plus going to night school so expect NO babysitting.
They were here about a year and no, I never babysat once. Frankly, I was so busy I barely had time to eat. DH didnt babysit, either. He never went gaga over the gks, we'd been thru so much with our 5 he was burned out.
Within a year, she had hooked husband #2 and moved herself and the baby in with him
My SO has no idea if SD and
My SO has no idea if SD and the baby's dad are even still together. First we were told the baby daddy was SD's gay male BFF. Then we were told he was her boyfriend and the best guy ever. Then we were told he was abusive and she needed to ne rescued from him. Police actually did show up at SO's house with some kind of summons, but we never got the details. It just said that SD had to appear in court on a specific date, at least that's what i was told. Then SD disappeared for a year. Then, surprise! She's pregnant!
I think SD stayed with the baby's dad's family members prior to the birth, then SD's BM came to the hospital the same day, and when SD was discharged, BM drove her and the baby back to her house in her state. Note that SO also once had to drive to that state and "rescue" SD from her "abusive" BM when she was 17. Yeesh.
If it turns into anything but a nice week-or-less-long visit, i will probably make a blog post. I know she wants to visit her cousins and her (different BM) brothers. But she and SO don't get along. They will have a "honeymoon period" but without fail there has always been a big fight and SD packs her stuff and leaves in a scream-crying tantrum, not telling anyone where she's going. It will be a lot harder with a baby.
Also
"There is the fact that if I show her kids or SD even a tiny sliver of kindness or permission, take it as a green light to expect favors from me whenever she wants."
There's a woman i work with like that. If i'm more than cooly professional, she will ask me to be her ride to and from work, take her to the store, etc. She is a total narcissist. Very difficult to work with and rude. But you act the slightest bit friendly, the requests start rolling in. You can't show certain people kindness, as they will immediately see it as weakness and try to exploit it. Sad it has to be that way.
It is not unusual for the
It is not unusual for the toxic oppostion or kids in proximity to the opposition to instantly take a mile when given an inch.
SpermGrandHag certainly did this. My bride being empathetic and chronically reasonable would rip out the Hag's throat when she stepped out of line. Then, over time start to worry that by maintaining painful pressure on the SpermClan,m they would take it out on SS when he was in SpermLand on visitation.
It took a few cycles of this and me firmly pointing out that they were taking their crap out on the kid regardless and were far less noxious when we kept them in a edge of fatal choke hold legally, financially, andsocially.
Once my bride gained this clarity, she would hand the SpermGrandHag her ass readily. I was present, had my DW's back, and when necessary would add my size 10.5 to the SpermClan's collective ass.