6 Year old step daughter wakes up everynight crying and screaming
Hi everybody!
I would like to know if anyone else has had this problem and if so, what their solution was for it. Or if this really is or is not a problem meaning, it is normal. My girlfriend, her 6 year old daughter and I moved in together about 6 months ago. I do not have any kids of my own. I do have (2) nieces ages 7 & 10 that I have spent a lot of time babysitting ever since the 10 year old was a baby. Just a little background info… Anyway, we have lived together for about 6 months and nearly every night her daughter wakes up in the middle of the night crying and calling out “MAMA!…. MAMA!” This can happen 1-4 times a night almost every night. I don’t want to write too much of what I think is going on with this situation. I want to hear your opinions. I will tell you this much. Almost every time this happens my gf is awake and running into her room in seconds. She usually crawls into bed with her and snuggles her back to sleep. My gf often falls asleep herself and stays for a few hours or the rest of the night. While my gf is sleeping with her, her daughter will not cry out at night. Her daughter is with her biological dad 2 nights a week. They sleep in the same bed every night they are together. Up until my gf and I moved in together her and her daughter shared a bed as well. As of now 2 nights of the week she is at dads. Out of the other 5 nights my gf puts her in bed 4 nights and I put her in bed the remaining 1 night. Almost every night my gf puts her in bed she snuggles with her until her daughter falls asleep. When I put her in bed, I read her a story and say goodnight. I then tell her it’s my bedtime to and for her to go to sleep. She does with no problem. This is almost the only time she goes to bed without someone. I feel that is important. Just last night she woke up screaming MAMA! MAMA! MAMA! So this morning I asked her “what was with all the screaming last night?” she just replied, “Oh that was just me and mama”. Her mom just so happened to be using the bathroom in her daughter’s room at the time. About 3 a.m. I have asked her daughter on other occasions why she cries out for mama at night all the time, expecting her to not remember, but she does. Her reply, “I wanted mama”. What do you fellow step whatever’s think about this? I want to hear your opinion before I get into what I think is going on. Please share your thoughts with me. Thanks in advance!
She wants her mom to sleep in
She wants her mom to sleep in bed with her. Plain and simple.
Now your GF's opinion about breaking that pattern on staying in her own bed at night is a different matter altogether.
All in all, if your GF wants to break the pattern, the daughter is going to struggle with and really fight against it. The same as when a parent breaks a kid from the bottle or a pacifier. That kind of thing. It will equate to a couple sleepless and battle filled nights, but the kid will eventually get used to sleeping alone as long as your GF consistently sticks to her guns.
I agree with your opinions as
I agree with your opinions as well. Thank you for your input. Kids are always trying to gain control. And they should have some. But very limited. Maybe limited to control over what outfit to wear or something along those lines. A choice between things you give as options, lets them think they have control when you ultimatly do. But it can't be taken too far.
To add... I've seen what the
To add... I've seen what the result of giving to many options to make their own choises. Almost everything becomes a mini debate...
1. I really do appreciate
1. I really do appreciate your quick responses LRP75 & echo. It wouldn’t be right if I didn’t mention that her daughter was diagnosed with asd before she was 2. She went through early intervention, which worked amazingly do to a lot of hard work from her mom. Her dad on the other hand refuses to believe her daughter is not “normal” or neurotypical. She is tested to see her progress every 6 months. Two tests ago, she tested off the spectrum. Meaning she was “normal”. But after the last test she was put back on the spectrum. She is so very “normal” now that it is extremely hard to tell if some of her behavior is due to asd or being 6 or just being a pain in the you know what sometimes. Overall she is a really good girl. She says her pleases and thank yous. She says please excuse me, if she needs to say something and others are talking. She is very loving; she eats whatever we make for her, mostly organic all natural homemade meals. Consisting of lots of veggies, my gf is vegetarian, and she eats all of them. She is really smart and does very well in kindergarten. She says she loves me. If I have a cold she tries to make me feel better. If I’m upset she tries to make me happy. She is almost always very happy. I really don’t think she is trying to come between her mom and I. at least intentionally. There may be some underlying jealously at work. I have convinced my gf once to try and ignore her crys. It was like torture to my gf. I had to wrap my arms around her and hold her from going to her daughter’s room. It was very hard. It started like usual, just her calling/whining “MAMA… MAMA…” Then it turned to fake whine/crying. But then it turned to full out whaling out crying. But after about 5-10 minutes her crying stopped and she went back to sleep.
"...But after about 5-10
"...But after about 5-10 minutes her crying stopped and she went back to sleep."
Exactly. Just like weaning from the bottle or pacifier. They learn to self-sooth. Which is not only normal, but is also a very necessary component of child development.
Good job!!!
Stay strong and consistent and it will work itself out. This is not that big of an issue. It's a normal development thing.
Thank you. It was very tough
Thank you. It was very tough for my gf. Like I said, I didn't "feel" what my gf did while hearing her cry for mama. But we both knew it was for her own good. But that only happened once. I think it was too much for my gf. I think she believes there is a better way. But she keeps doing the same thing night after night. Its the definition of insanity. Not trying to say my gf is insane. But kids can make you get there... I think she just has a switch turned to on position to do everything she can to help and protect her daughter. Even though its killing her. She is running herself ragged.
6 years old and still co
6 years old and still co beds??? WTH is wrong with these damn parents??
I don't think the 6 yo has an ulterior motive, other than wanting her mommy to sleep with her. Her mother on the other hand, needs to step up tot the plate. Have u talked to her mom about this?
I agree she just wants her
I agree she just wants her mom. And she might wake up a little scared too. Her dad in not helping by sharing a bed every night. At least my gf is trying.
It's not the girls fault...if
It's not the girls fault...if you're used to having someone else in bed with you, suddenly trying to take that away cold turkey at the age of six is borderline cruel. I know when I was little, I was used to sleeping with my sister, and anytime she wasn't there, I'd get extremely scared and upset. If my parents just blew me off that would've made things worse.
If wife is committed to not having her sleep alone, she needs to do it gently, not just cold turkey.
This is not the child's fault, but the parents. Be angry with GF, but not with the daughter. All she did was grow to depend on something her parents provided.
Well Leftfield yes, I have
Well Leftfield yes, I have spoken to my gf about this. She seems to entertain my ideas but doesn’t totally seem to agree with me. And DeeDeeTX, I wouldn’t say she cut her off cold turkey. She was trying to ease her of by falling asleep with her any coming to my bed. But in my opinion this is part of the problem. When her daughter falls asleep with her mom and then wakes up and she is not there, she might be getting scared. It’s tough to tell what is going on. Her daughter is afraid to be alone period. Not just at night. That could be linked to separation anxiety issues. Even telling her to go wash her hands in the bathroom starts a whining fest about not being able to do it alone. Personally, I think this comes from how much her mom helps her with everything. She is like super mom. Breaking her back and working herself to exhaustion trying to give her daughter a perfect fulfilling happy life. But her daughter is not like other kids, she doesn’t want much more than her mother’s attention. She doesn’t care about toys much, and she doesn’t really care for watching tv. My gf is an amazing mom. She puts her daughter first in every way. I am aware that I come second. And I understand. But as “stepdad” my opinions should be taken into account. Sometimes they are. Sometimes they are not. I can understand it is hard for a once single mom to take parenting advice from me. Especially when saw her daughter at her worse. Which was in the beginning before intervention. And she thinks back to how hard it was to get her to this point. She is just so happy she has a normal functioning little girl. I came into the picture when her daughter really started to be “normal”. But I understand autism and asd. I think these sleep problems are normal under the circumstances and should be treated normally. And I agree with all of you. The point is to break the “habit” you have to start somewhere. And cold turkey might be what’s best at this point.
DeeDeeTX, I am interested to
DeeDeeTX, I am interested to hear your opinion on a good plan to “ease” her into sleeping alone. I do have my own ideas, but I would like to hear the ideas from other parents or step parents before I share mine.
My DH's daughter used to do
My DH's daughter used to do this. One time we were at a friend's house and DH's daughter fell asleep. When she woke up, she woke up crying and shaking. Our friend took me aside and asked me "what was going on"...I told her I had no idea. She said she was sexually abused as a little girl and that she always woke up that way and thus she felt that there was something going on. At the time I told DH, DH confronted crazy witch, especially since at that time everytime DH took the kid home she would scream and yell and not want to get out of the car. Crazy witch would literally have to pull her out of our car because she would hold on for dear life. DH tried to talk to his ex, and unfortunately what ended up happening was that crazy witch started insinuating that something was going on at OUR home. I can say 100% that NOTHING ever happened in our home. After a few months of her harrassing us and starting to tell his family lies, them harrassing me instead, etc...it stopped. Not sure what happened. I blamed DH at the time for not doing anything, but at the same time we called CPS and their view was that they would investigate US since the ex claimed this never happened at her house...sigh...DH let it go, as it stopped happening.
I suggest that you take her to a psychologist if you can talk your girlfriend into it, without letting her know of your suspicions. Unfortunately I couldn't do that, as the kid was only with us on the weekend and once we started seeing this, BM made visitations harder for quite a while until it stopped.
Good luck. It doesn't sound good. It is not normal. Maybe she is truly just scared, and a psychologist should be able to figure that out.
PS - all kids are different but our son slept with my husband and I many, many years...he is autistic and would walk out of the house and we could not sleep at all without knowing he was next to us...as he got older, probably around that same 6-7-8, some nights we would put him in his bedroom alone and he had a hard time going to sleep, but never once did he wake up screaming or crying because we weren't there...I don't think sleeping with a child or getting them used to sleeping with you would cause this reaction...
Hopefully, herwegoagain, by
Hopefully, herwegoagain, by suspicions you do not mean any type of sexual harassment. I’m pretty confident that is not happing. If you mean my suspicions that something is wrong, then I agree. A psychologist could be a good idea. Oddly enough my gfs dad is a psychologist. And actually he specialized in child psychology. He was a school psychologist for a long time. I did try to talk to him about it just last night, and coincidently she had another much louder than normal episode last night. He really does not like to get between my gf and I. And I believe it’s his obvious connection to his daughter, my gf that is the reason. I don’t blame him.
My SD6 always had 'night
My SD6 always had 'night terrors' ... or thats what I thought they were. I noticed after a while she wasn't upset when she was bursting in to our room and I thought she just wanted Daddy there. Once she did get in to our bed but just sat up kicking her legs and not only do I regret doing this as I was kicked out of my own bed but she just became more and more needy.
I eventually got her a 'globear' and asked her to have a go with it. Said to turn the glo bear on if she wakes up and he will look after her, we also now have a 'fairy jar' which is a solar powered jar that looks like it has fairies in.
After explaining to her that coming in to our room every night 1-2 times was making us tired and grumpy she stopped it. So I think to be honest she was just doing it to try and be in Daddy's bed.
The fact that everyone's
The fact that everyone's sleep is being disturbed repeatedly through the night most or every night, is not healthy including for sd - at 6 she needs about 12 hours plus of sleep and while I appreciate she has medical/behavioural problems which may not help with this situation nonetheless the fact that your gf is not responding appropriately and she is sleeping with adults is imo the main cause.
Its called separation anxiety -google it and print off some of the information paying close attention to the detrimental affects (including the long term) for sd. Concentrate of this aspects when you show these to your gf.
I will add I had hyperactivity as a child and fitted the profile for ADHD, so my sleeping was awful before diagnosis at age 7. I would get up repeatedly through the night, have nightmares and had problems going and remaining asleep as I had so much energy. My poor parents were pulling their hair out, however even after they realised my condition was fuelling my sleep issues they didnt use this as an excuse and indulge it. Obviously they would respond if I was genuinely afraid or sick, but not otherwise.
Your gf needs to look at parenting tactics to address this - supernanny's is a really effective one. Where you dont discuss with the child what is happening, just calmly place them back in bad without speaking and contiue to do so even if they are sobbing and no matter how many times they try to get up/cry. It will be hard work because of the deep rooted habits and it may take many sleepless nights but it should work.
Your sd is admitting her reasons for doing this and they are not for any good reasons except she wants her mother. Well kids should want and get imo, not without an appropriate reason.
I like the way you think/work
I like the way you think/work Catchilds. To be honest her daughter never leaves her bed once in it. Never. She just calls/cries out “MAMA!” until mama comes. Sometimes she just talks in her sleep and my gf will come right back to bed and say that she was just sleep talking. She goes right back to sleep when mom lies with her though. I have mentioned using sleep associated objects like a teddy bear to be given to her and tell her to snuggle that if she feels lonely. Her mom didn’t really agree. I said maybe try a fan or a noise maker, so when she falls asleep listening to it and then wakes up hearing it, maybe it will sooth he back to sleep. She wasn’t really going for that. I will suggest having that talk you spoke of.
And Delilah I totally agree. Everyone is losing sleep. Her daughter is extremely hyperactive. We actually use a ¼” gram chewable melatonin tab to help her sleep. We learned about it from several other websites. It’s common for autistic/asd kids to lack in the production of melatonin. But she resists sleep so much that she is lucky to get 8-9 hours a night. When I tell my gf this is not enough that we need to get our tasks done earlier so she can sleep earlier she reminds me of how busy our lives really are and how hard it really is to get her to sleep earlier. And I have read a ton of information about separation anxiety. I read a lot of articles and make copies and even sometimes highlight certain points and bring them home and read them with my gf. She sort of agrees with the separation anxiety concept. It makes sense. I also suggested that it is possible they both suffer from separation anxiety.
Hello Draco, I knew I
Hello Draco, I knew I wouldn’t be alone here. Even before looking around online parenting websites and so on, my natural instinct was very similar to a combination to what you have said and what everyone else has been saying. I think it is easier for me to come to these conclusions because she is not my kid. It is a little easier to, I hate to say it, but see her daughter suffer and struggle with this. Like I said before, I got my gf to ignore it once. And I had to physically hold her back. I only did because she agreed to try it so I helped her stick with her decision. It was torture to her to let her daughter cry. But to me and again, I hate to say it, it was like music to my ears because I knew that what we were doing was helping her. I hear horror stories where the parents just can’t stand to see their kids suffer in frustration and cry, and the kid ends us sleeping with the parents until they are like 14. I’m sure this could naturally work its self out, but in the meantime nobody is sleeping as much as they should. It shouldn’t take nearly 2 hours to get her to bed and we shouldn’t be constantly woken up to her cries for mama. She doesn’t “fear” going to bed, she just becomes very active and messes around a whole lot making it difficult to focus her on getting to bed. We always thought it was a control thing. But I guess I can see it as her way of attempting to avoid sleeping all together, because of her separation anxiety. The way you explain how you eased him into sleeping alone is right along the way I wanted to try. I think a big part of the problem is my gf is overprotective and has separation anxiety of her own. I like the way you think. Thanks for your input.
by the way, I'm new here and
by the way, I'm new here and I don't know what all of these abbreviations stand for. Is there a cheat cheet somewhere?
Nobodytoyou - may seem a
Nobodytoyou - may seem a silly obvious question, but is your gf strict with her diet?
I think sometimes this is where parents of children with hyperactivity and ADHD go wrong, I had many things which triggered worse behaviour but there were also *key* things I couldnt consume otherwise it would trigger severe behaviour. Ensuring sd doesnt drink anything but water at least a few hours before bedtime including anything with sugar, flavourings, colourings...may help but still think the main issue is your gf.
You are right, your gf may also enjoy elements of being needed and wanting to comfort sd.
I wouldn’t say she is strict.
I wouldn’t say she is strict. I can say that everything we cook is mostly organic and all natural. Not genetically modified or artificial. She gets well balanced meals. Maybe 1-2 pieces of candy a day. Even the candy is usually like organic all natural suckers or something like that. She loves fruit and veggies. We eat healthy and so does she. And we never order out of eat fast food. When we drive by a fast food she yells “FAKE FOOD!!” So there is not much artificial colors or flavors on our part. And not much sugar. And noooo artificial sugars at all. And no caffeine except for the little bit that is in chocolate. My gf is a vegetarian so we pretty much all eat the veggie life. But we still get a healthy amount of protein too. And we all take supplements and vitamins just in case.
But when she is with her dad it’s another story… its chicken mcnuggets and ice-cream every day. And candy. When he sends he to school the snack he will pack is capri sun and fruit roll ups and gushers. Her mom packs fresh fruit and water or all natural organic 100% fruit juice.
My gf is a RN, biotech, nutritionist and vitamin therapist… and all around a great gf and mom.
Thanks!
Thanks!
My SD (aged4) used to be like
My SD (aged4) used to be like this also 5 times a night she would get up and her mum would go running. You have to break the cycle as its what the child is used to, so explain to her that mum will not come running and she needs to sleep alone in her own bed as mum need her sleep too and she likes to sleep in her own bed. Tell her big girls sleep in their own beds and at 6 she is a big girl.
For the first few night's when she cries tell you SO to straight away call into to her tell her daughter that everything is alright and Mummy is just in the next room, everything will be fine its night time and she must sleep. After she gets used to that if she cries let her cry for longer then have you SO call into her saying the same things everything is alright etc...
Keep increasing the time you allow her to cry and it will lessen, never shout at her or make her feel bad for crying as it will only make her do it more. But every morning commend her for staying her own bed like a big girl, and tell everyone she respects (adults) in front of her that she did it and make a REALLY big deal of how good a girl she is for staying in her own bed etc
Parents don't realize the damage they are doing to their kids, I believe that independents starts from birth and sleeping beside your child is one of the worst things you can do and does not help build a firm foundation of independence. Its a big bad world out there and kids need that fearlessness built into them from a young age so they can achieve what they want without fear of falling. And if they do they need the strength to pick themselves back up and keep going! To me this starts with sleeping alone and in the dark.
I will add that we used a nightlight for a few weeks starting with a bright-ish one moving to a really dull one, we have not got the dull one out of the room yet as it also doubles as a torch when going to the big toilet in the middle of the night if needed.
Ed
You and I share a similar
You and I share a similar concept on dealing with this. And the focus on making a big deal of her accomplishments I agree with too. My gf does that with everything for her daughter; it’s surprising she hasn’t yet for this situation. They say for any child but especially asd, you should positively reinforce them several times an hour. And my gf sure does. But the few mornings out of a month that she does not wake us all up we should start praising her. That might be a good start. And then that night have the talk about not coming anymore, reminding her of what a great job she did the night before. This might be a good starting point. Fyi, we never yell at her ever. Just recently this similar method worked with getting her to cover her mouth/nose when she sneezes. Just one time she managed to catch it and congratulated her and said “great work, now let’s keep that up!” now she tries hard to catch the sneeze and is very happy and proud when she does. And we are happy she is not sneezing everywhere!
Thanks Eddy82!
I just want to be clear that
I just want to be clear that I am not blaming my gf for anything at all. It was rough for her going through a divorce, and then being a single mother with a high functioning asd daughter has got to be tough. And then when we all moved in together we knew that there would be time needed to adjust. I have never been a parent before. But her daughter seems to have accepted me as a father figure. But it took a while for me to say what was on my mind. Mostly because of my lack of experience and also because I didn’t want to offend my gf. It’s easier to call the plays when you’re standing on the sidelines than when you’re playing in the game. I was able to watch their interaction with limited interruption from me. My gf has admitted that it’s hard for her to accept someone else’s input. She has gotten used to doing everything all alone. It took about a half a year for us to almost be on the same page with or parenting as a team. A united front. If I disagree with something my gf does, I try and wait until later to discuss. And I ask her to do the same with me. We can’t disagree in front of her daughter. This has been going pretty well. Still some little arguing but ultimately it’s going well.
But this sleep thing we got to fix and we are not on the same page. We need a plan.
Ok so I read your other post
Ok so I read your other post and seen that this post upset your gf. Only reason I can come to think of that this would upset her is bc she knows deep down it rings true on a lot of levels with what people are responding back with. It's ok to be a protecive parent and to love your children and want to be there for them. But please woman to woman (if she reads this) help your daughter overcome this. It is a security blanket for her and she needs to develop confidence in herself that she is ok without mom by her side. I am a stepmother to a SD6 as well and she sleeps alone every night without waking up. I am sure your stepdaughter is doing this bc it is what she has come to know (which was logical as long as you didnt have a partner to share your life with), but it is not something that can't be fixed either. For your own sanity, your bf's and your childs, you should reconsider how you handle this situation. And please dont get mad at him, bc I have came from a similar situation but reversed roles in stepparenting, I know how hurtful it can be to have someone not listen or even acknowledge your advice. It should speak volumes for how much he cares by him taking his time to research and try and seek advice for this problem. It shows he cares A LOT!!! And truly caring is not something your going to get with a lot of step parents. He may not be an expertise in handling children, but I think he has a very valid point here with this one. There may be things in the future that you may be more accurate with and thats ok. Seek advice and research until you two can come to an agreement. You asked him to join your life and that also means your childs life, so you have to atleast consider his side on things. Sorry, I guess my response was directed more at your gf than it was you. But I know how hard it can be to come together on things, bc I am in a similar situation myself. You two as the adults have got to come to an agreement on things, bc all the ideals in the world arent going to work with this, if you two are not united. I know to her it looks like an outsider taking a stab at her parenting skills, but it seems she is not lacking in the parenting department but maybe going the wrong way about it on some things and thats ok, everyone makes mistakes. But you also have to see the bigger picture and how you can be actually hurting your child instead of comforting her. Sorry for writing so much and I really wish the two of you the best of luck on handling this one!!
I used to have terrible night
I used to have terrible night terrors and quite frequently when I visited my aunt.
Whenever I would wake up screaming she would come in the room and discover a cracked window and curse my cousin out for leaving the windows open.
"It's the spirits", she said. "They travel".
Try closing the windows. Children are more susceptible to spirits.
I know how it sounds and I really don't care about that just try it.