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Husband made up lie about his SS (my bio son)

peagiddy's picture

Hi there-this is my first post so I apologize if it's all over the place. I'll do my best to make this as logical as possible. I've searched the archives of this site and haven't found anything addressing this topic so I hope someone here has experienced this and might have some advice. 

Background: My husband and I have been together for about 6 years, married for 2. We have 3 children together, 15, 12, and 9. The older two are his from his previous marriage, and the youngest is mine from my previous marriage. Overall, our blended situation isn't as rough as some others I've heard of, so I would consider us lucky. However, we struggle most with our 12-year old (my SS). He is...a lot. He has been diagnosed with a variety of things, ADHD, ODD, and some other things. He's always in trouble at school, gets poor grades, lies, manipulates, has horrible hygiene, "doesn't care" about anything, etc. My relationship with him has been the most taxing of all. Ironically, out of the four parents (BM, SD, DH and me), I'm the only one who has put in the most consistent time trying to work with SS to connect around his neurodivergencies. I've read half a dozen books, researched specialty therapists for him, bought him special planners to try and help with school, tried to institute special processes in the house that would work with him, given him the benefit of the doubt on most things, and even avoided doling out punishment in favor of seeking a learning opportunity. Unfortunately, no one recognizes or acknowledges any of these efforts. Quite the opposite. The majority of my fights with DH are about SS--I'm too harsh, too mean, I don't treat the children equally, etc. BM is a horrible, toxic, manipulative beast who looks to undermine me every chance she gets so she's no help. The unfortunate truth is that my SS chooses to break the rules ALL THE TIME (with the enablement of his BM) where the other children don't. It's that simple. But the evil stepmother trope is so much more convenient than facing the truth and committing to getting this boy the consistent help that he so desperately needs. As I'm not a bio parent and have no parental rights, my hands are tied. I just discovered the disengaging forum...may have to check that out....alas, I digress. With all that in mind, let's get to the incident. 

The Incident: While I was getting ready this morning, I received a text from DH who was downstairs saying that he took my (bio)son's tablet and hid it because he found the tablet on the floor under the table. We have a rule in the house that if things/electronics are found somewhere they don't belong and we find them, we will take them away for a minimum of 24 hours. He said he assumes the tablet fell off the table or bench and onto the floor. I JUST had to talk to my son about leaving his tablet on the floor the other night. If the tablet was indeed on the floor again, I wasn't so sure it was an accident, and I was about to insist on a longer/harsher punishment (i.e. longer than 24 hours) since we just talked about this the other night (but I don't treat the kids fair, right? eyeroll...).  I decided to review our camera footage to see what happened. Imagine my surprise when I look at the footage and see that the tablet never leaves the table!!! I watched the entire morning back as the kids watched the tablet together then got up and left the table. 10 minutes later DH walks in the kitchen, makes coffee, then walks over to the table and pauses as he looks at the tablet. You can see where he texts me the original text (from the timestamp). After a few seconds he picks it up from the table and walks away. The tablet NEVER touches the ground. Not once. Not ever. 

The lie: I sent a message back to DH saying that I reviewed the camera footage and I never saw the tablet on the floor. He doubled down with ANOTHER lie that he picked up the tablet and put it on the table before running the roomba. I told him that I watched the entire clip and that I watched him walk in the kitchen for the first time that day, make his coffee, and that the tablet never touched the ground. Then I sent him the clip. He didn't respond. 

The aftermath: We had someone stop by the house at that moment so he was afforded a distraction. I tried bringing it up afterwards and I asked if he watched the clip. He said no, walked past me and out of the room. We were around the kids the rest of the day so I couldn't bring it up freely. As an aside, DH's typical response for uncomfortable topics is to avoid them, never discuss them and pretend like they never happened. I know that's what he's trying to do here. However, I'm NOT ok with the fact that he made up a whole lie about my son dropping a tablet on the floor just to get him in trouble. I feel like he did it because he's tired of his son always getting in trouble? I've NEVER made up a story about my SS though. This just seems really messed up. Am I overreacting? Has anything like this happened to any of you? 

If you made it this far, thank you for sticking with me Smile I hope it wasn't too bad. 

 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

This would be a hill to die on for me. This is one of the worse things I have ever read on this site. I guess my biggest question is how did he think he was going to get away with this since you have cameras? Do you think there are other times he has lied about your son? In my mind, he needs to own what he did, explain it, and promise that it will never happen again. If he won't do that, I think you need to think long and hard about this relationship. You are not over reacting at all.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Your not-so-D H is lying to you despite solid proof of his despicable lie. If he's trying to gaslight you, he's quite bad at it. IMO, he's lashing out at you through your son because he thinks you're "too mean" to his and this is his craptastic and juvenile way to 'pay you back'.

I'm with notsurehowtodeal. This would be a hill to die on for me. How can you ever trust him again and not question every single thing he's said about your son?

Rumplestiltskin's picture

The apple didn't fall far from the tree. No wonder this guy's son is ODD. The guy is a sociopath. 

Rags's picture

IMHO do not let him weasel out of this.  Call him a liar to his face. I f, and that is a BIG if, his behavior,  remorse and contrition passes your smell test, let him know that it never happens again he is gone. That going forward he will be under the hairy eyeball of you, the security system, and as many of added Web cans as you feel like adding to make shre he understand his lying manipulative immature bullshit will not be tolerated. If his immediate responst to your confrontaton on his manipulative undermining of a KID, does not pass your smell test.... boot his ass and his kids from your life.

Do not pass go, no regrets, and good riddance.

Trust is a fragile thing.  Once it is lost, it really can never be fully recovered. So his crap has forever put anything ever says or does under extreme suspicion.

Good luck with this.  His ridiculous attempt to set up your son is beyond pathetic, juvenile, and reprehensible.

His fee fees about how his kid is treated is irrelevant. His son's crap is a direct result of his shit parenting. Do not let him play any gasllighting cards along the lines of "But you hurt my kids fee fees".  If, and he will, tries to deflect down that line of deflection, nail his wrinkly sack to the floor even more firmly.

As a man, this guy pisses me off to no end.

Take care of you.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

His son's crap is learned from HIM. No wonder the son acts like he does. OP's son will also learn that this behavior is ok if this guy stays around. This is just the first time OP had proof of the guy's actions. How many things has he lied about and gotten away with, because there was no video evidence? ALL the kids see this guy's example. 

hereiam's picture

No, you are not overreacting, this is a serious breach of trust. You now have no idea the lengths he will go to to to discredit your son. And now, he's trying to gaslight you.

I wouldn't trust him to be alone with my child, I wouldn't trust him, period.

I'm sorry.

Yesterdays's picture

Lying is horrible but lying in order to get a child in trouble is a new low. This is an adult. Trying to get an innocent child into trouble. Had you got your son in trouble think of the damage it would have done to your child... That's sad to think about, an adult acting in such a conniving way toward an innocent child. Despicable.

What would the child think if this sort of thing went on and continued ..  Why is this adult acting that way toward me. What did I do to deserve this.

It's mind games with a child!

Not to mention that now you can't trust your partners actions and words 

SteppedOut's picture

Really truly all of this. 

I wouldn't trust him around my kid anymore. 

Honestly, my feelings for this person would flip like a damn light switch. It would be the end. Done. Gtfo of my house. Now. Bye! 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

OP's kid will learn, just as her SS has learned, that lying, sabotage, etc. is not only accepted but it gets you what you want. What this guy did was so unnecessarily, bizarrely immoral, and to a kid. Then lie about it when faced with video proof. If he will lie to set up a child, what else will he do? You have no idea what twisted crap he has done or will do. 

SteppedOut's picture

Op will have to constantly be wondering what he has or will be scheming about next.

I would be going insane trying to revisit every interaction with or about my kid. No freaking way I'm going to worry about a person of authority like that with my kid.

Not to mention wondering about all the not related to kid things. 

Might sound weird to some, but something like this 100% would be the end of the relationship for me.

Harry's picture

Your DH "lie" to you. He actually made up some story , for a unknown reason to ?   He knows what the videos will show.   It's one thing to lie by saying  SK didn't do,  BUT to make the effort to tell a story is really different.. You now can not believe a word your SO saids. To you.   You can not live that way,  you should not want to live that way.  Needing cambers in the house is bad, but THIS.  there something radically wrong with DH.

 

Merrigan's picture

This was painful to read. Your DH is an arsehole, willing to lie to deliberately hurt your child. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

Completely unacceptable. What a malicious and passive aggressive thing to do. I would level with him that you will not tolerate and you will NEVER believe anything he says about your son going forward, and if he tries to pull ANY sh*t like this again, he and his kids will move out immediately.

ESMOD's picture

I would have a serious trust issue with your husband if I were you.  He lied.. doubled down on the lie and even when you had proof..  had no response.

I mean.. look.. I get it's frustrating that kids leave their stuff around.. and for me.. leaving it at the dining room table vs taking it to his room where his 'stuff" belongs.. would have been a no no in my home growing up.  so.. maybe that was kind of where your SO thought he was coming from.. but embelleshed the story to make it more legit to you.. he was tired of your kid leaving his stuff around the house.. so he tattled on him. in a way that he thought would get more action.

But.. that's immature crap.. if the rule is that he can leave his stuff around.. just not on the floor?  then that's the rule.. and he didn't break it.  

The real issue you have is your SO refuses to acknowlege it.. I wouldn't let this drop.. he needs to explain himself fully.. 

Dogmom1321's picture

Eek. An outright lie? Stemming from resentment he has because he thinks you "don't treat them fair"? This is an even deeper issue than lying. DH is being resentful towards both you AND your son. But he's taking it a step further and acting on his resentment as well. That's a no go in my book. 

Example... there is an undercurrent of resentment from SD13 in our household. But if she were trying to get myself or my son into trouble (vice versa also) I wouldn't want to live like that... walking on eggsshells and wondering what was going to be the next lie. We both just disengage and that seems to be working (for now atleast).