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BM spreading lies and intimidating SD

Farmmom3's picture

Hello All.  First post here.  

I have been with my husband for 6 years and married for 4. We both have children from our previous marriages but only the youngest 2 are still at home. SD13 and SS15. SD and SS have a very controlling and verbally abusive BM. The current issue which has put me at my wits end is the lying and manipulation.  The manipulation has always been there but since I have been diagnosed with cancer, is now out of control .  We live in a small town and BM lives in a neighboring small town.  I have a good relationship with both SD and SS and we have 50/50 custody. 

Recently BM has started telling people that my husband is catering to me/buying things because I am dying.  I even had someone say to me "Wow I heard you were dead!" BM has removed me as an emergency contact because I'm not the mom and I'm dying. (I was 3rd on the list after BM and BD).  The lies go on and on. Now my SD wont acknowledge me in public because "Mom said you arent my parent and your going to die soon anyway so it doesn't matter"  Every week its something new.  BTW I have been given 10 years which only my husband and I know, so I'm not going anywhere anytime soon and you would never know unless I told you.  How do I stop this onslaught, and keep my sanity, privacy and dignity?

Rags's picture

Sue her.  Bury her in cease and desist orders.  Have everyone who mentions any of this contacted by your attorney to provide a written statement.

Own BM's idiot ass and end her.

Do not be her doormat.  

Confront, confront, confront.

Zero tolerance.

On a not related to blended families note.  In 2018 less than a month after we closed on our new home I slipped bringing in a package after the Smile People delivered on the front walk.  That caused a compound fracture to my R leg.  I had to drag myself from the front door through the house to get to my phone.  I called 911 and everyone showed up. Police, fire truck, EMS, ambulance, and my DW who quite enjoyed the number of young Firemen and LEOs cutting off my pants, etc.....

For nearly a year when I would see neighbors they would expostulate that they thought I was dead.  There was a neighborhood party that evening while I was in the ER, then OR getting the bone set, then the OR again getting the plates and screws installed.   One of the neighbors turned out to be a busy body big mouth and entirely full of shit who made up any number of bullshit stories over the 4yrs we owned the house and lived in the small gated community. 

She drove a huge amount of turnover in the neighborhood.  If she did not like you, she would build community pressure to try to get your to move.  She also recruited bitchy neighbor clones to buy any homes that went on the market.  

We sold, so did the neighbors on either side of us.  We have occassional calls from law firms over several neighbors responding to the bitchy busy body.  If we were still living in that City, we would be all over bringing the pain to that one and her toxic minions.

One of our favorite neighbors, an hispanic family, finally had enough and went after her and a few other retired racist POS neighbors with legal action.  Another of the great neighbors is the PR director for the Mayor (One of the largest cities in teh country).  She got involved and has brought hell down on the crotchety bitchy assholes.  The updates are interesting.  The bitchy squad have apparently crawled under a rock and some of their homes are going on the market.  They attempted to turn it into "a retirement community".  It is not a 55 and older community though it has some gated sections that do have higher concentrations of retirees.

Do not tolerate the shit.

IMHO of course.

Rags's picture

Welcome.

I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice from others who are living the dream of the blended family adventure.

Take care of you.

JRI's picture

How horrible!  Wishing you the best.  She must be awful.

And, welcome, you came to the right place.

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

Why doesn't this surprise me? HORRIBLE on BM - truly. This is so bad, terrible and beyond unfair to you. The bizzare part about all this is that she is getting away with it. Kicking you down- it's just very very terrible. This woman is a terrible person. I can never wrap my head around why people would do this- more so it confirms my perspective that society views stepmoms as lesser - they somehow are allowed to be kicked like this and no one is putting this BM in her place. I would LOVE to see someone reign holy terror on this woman - I hope you fight back and make her look like the liar and horrible person she is...but then I think about your time on this earth for the next decade and not sure that's how you want to spend it. Horrible and undeserved- she's a true B. The worst of humankind shows its ugly face when they think you are in a tough spot - they kick you when they think you are down. 

After some thought - I'll add your revenge is living your life WELL. Keep your medical news to yourself....allow her to spread these lies and then keep living year after year. Eventually her lie will disspate and she'll stop sharing it but YOU can start bringing up - "Remeber when BM said these things - I am sitll standing. Don't believe everything she says." Ultimately she's destroying her credibility. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Oh for fk's sake...that's horrible. I'm so sorry you are going through this. As Rags suggested, it might be worth it to take legal action. I hope you have many more than 10 years, but even if you only had a few days, you don't deserve to spend your life dealing with this BS. I hope your husband is the supportive partner you need. 

Yesterdays's picture

I would tell her if she makes a comment about you dying once more she can no longer come by your house. If anyone were to comment about me in that manner their butt wouldn't be allowed anywhere near me. How did your husband deal with SD saying that/making that comment?

I have late stage breast cancer. Its incurable but I hope for many years. I don't see my step kids at my house any longer after some issues. My husband sees his kids outside of our house. 

Going through cancer diagnosis while dealing with troublesome bio mom and step kids is truly horrible. We are here for support and if you have any questions or just want to vent. Hugs 

Rags's picture

I am so angry for both of you.  Having to deal with the rotten stench of  each of your SO's baggage as you live life and address your medical challenges.

The joy in life that you both have is inspirational.

Please embrace living your best lives as you have been doing.

However, do not tolerate any crap from the SO baggage.  

Take care of yourselves.

Give rose

 

Winterglow's picture

For your SD (she is old enough to know that what she said was completely out of order), look at her aghast and say, "Do you realize how inhuman and rude a thing to say that was? It was incredibly hurtful and I'm appalled and disappointed that you would say such a nasty thing." Dammit, there are times when shaming is in order.

For your clumsy friend, "yeah, I heard there was a poison dwarf out there spreading malicious rumours about me ... (yawn)"

Above all, talk to your lawyer to see how you can nail BM for this and get her to stop her gratuitous malevolence.

ESMOD's picture

First, I'm sorry that you are dealing with a POS ex on top of health issues which must be very very difficult.

Second,

Since the cat is somewhat out of the proverbial bag.. I think the best way to deal with this is frank honesty.. with everyone.. with the support of your husband.

Re SD.. she is well old enough to understand that you do have some health issues but in the near term.. you WILL be around.. and no one knows for sure what the ultimate end result will be... even Drs can't 100% pinpoint these dates.. it's all based on averages.. you might well be on the better side of that.. and who knows what kinds of changes there might be in treatments that could extend things further.. or.. SD.. you could get hit by a car tomorrow..  So, no one is "writing you off".. and while you are more aware that you may have less time due to your cancer.. you don't want to be treated differently for it.

Regarding the not speaking to you in public.. when her toxic mom is there.. she is in a loyalty bind.. and I get that it's tough to not do what her mom wants.. she has to live with her.  If she treats you decently otherwise during your SO's custody time when mom isn't around.. I think you need to try to not take it personally from SD and understand that it's tough for a kid to go against their parent's wishes in front of them.. even if the parent is wrong.

Your husband should absolutely be doing things like telling the school to put you back on the list(If you want to be).. and having these conversations with his kid(s).  He can also tell BM to knock it off.. but it probably won't do a lot.

When people say things like "thought you were dead".. you only have to tell them what you want.. to the extent you are comfortable.  you can deal with it with humor.. "uh.. well, i'm standing right here.. do you think I'm a ghost.. try to walk through a wall comically.. lol.  Or look at them oddly.. and say.. Gee.. I wonder where you would have gotten that idea.. how odd.. clearly I'm right here.alive.  Oh.. I don't know why BM would say that.. maybe she is confused.?? 

Thumper's picture

Tell dh to call his lawyer.

The lawyer can send bm's lawyer a letter outlining what bm is spewing and that SHE is traumatizing the children.. The letter is instructing BM'S lawyer to tell bm to knock it off right away. The letter will include,  IF bm does not stop,  dh's lawyer has advised DH that lawyer is fully  prepared to file all available sanctions against Ahole bm including:  filing for full physical custody, a, psych evaluation for BM (at her expense)  highest available child support amount allowed for full custody AND all attornies fees. 

If BM blabbers one more time it's game on. 

Sorry dh's x is saying such awful things. 

A good lawyer will send this out to bm's lawyer right away. 

Farmmom3's picture

Thank you all for your support. I can't tell you how good it feels to have people that understand how hard this is.  

We did have a talk with SD and told her that what she did was not ok. Treating people as you would want to be treated is what we should be focusing on and that what she is doing is terribly hurtful. She cried, agreed and said that the reason she went with it is to avoid the nightmare she will have at BM's if she dosen't. I understand she is in a tough position, so we came up with a special signal she can do in public, that means something to us and no one else. We also talked about some things she can say to diffuse her mom.  SD is scared that I am going to die and some of that is playing into it as well.  Her BM confirming her fears is just too much for her. We talked about manipulation and how this is just a ramped up version of what has happened in the past.  I promised that I would be honest with them every step of the way but that it was our business unless I decided to share it.

As for the BM, we took you all's advice and contacted our lawyer.  He is going to let her attorney know that if she doesn't stop now she will be hit with a defamation of character lawsuit on top of a request for change of custody pending a psych evaluation to determine her ability to parent.  She is wholly dependant on the Alimony that we pay her from the divorce and lives a good life without having to work. We are hopeful that the threat of her having to pay any amount of that back due to losing a lawsuit, and that she might have to actually get a job will make an impact.  She is also as she puts it "the perfect mom" when someone else is there to see it. So my Hubby getting primary custody would really rock her public image.  Hopefully that will be enough.

As for the rumors.  We are doing our best to manage them.  My Hubby told the school to put me back on as an emergency contact and that if issues like that come up again to contact him first.  He would be happy to set a meeting where she has to explain in front of him and the principal why that is necessary.  I have told the kids they don't have to answer any questions.  They can simply say "I don't want to talk about it, if you want to talk about it you need to call my SM, here is her number." and leave it at that.  let the adults handle it. I just hope we can. It seems to be hitting from all sides now.  Our friends and family are trying hard to help dispell rumors when they hear them and writing down who said it and where they heard it from. Maybe that will help in court? 

I think the hardest part is that the BM would take something so personal and use it to make the kids feel like they aren't safe with us.  I know she wants everyone to believe that she is the victim and only doing this to protect the kids, but it simply isn't the truth.  I really thought there were limits to how low she would go. I pray every day to be the better person but it is really hard and it shakes your faith in humanity.

 

JRI's picture

Wow, I'm very impressed by your thoughtful, creative responses to these issues!  Go, Farmmom3!

All positive wishes for your best possible outcome.  Good luck!

Rags's picture

IMHO, when you get shit on your shoe, you do not analyze the shit, you scrape it off, and pressure wash it down the driveay to the gutter and into the sewer. No analysis necessary.

So, eleminate the shit.  Go full frontal confrontation on any comment about yoru demise. referencing those most likely to have initiated the rumor.

"No. I'm still here, happy and enjoying life.  Sadly, apparently a number of people affiliated with my DH's dishonest XW are playing her games. Who by chance did you hear it from that I am deceased?  Hmmmm?  Have you heard about the upcoming legal action against BM for her lies?  Its gonna be big."

Keep it pushed back in the faces of anyone who brings it up, reference BM as the likely source, and keep enjoying yourself.