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BD9 separation anxiety

sarah28's picture

MBD9 (My Boyfriend's Daughter) still experiences, separation anxiety when leaving her mom's house (parents broke up 7 years ago when she was 2). They have the 3/2 agreement for the schedule. MBD dreads leaving her mother and even wants to keep wearing (for days) the clothes that she came with from her mom's house. Constantly asking if she can call her mom, not matter what fun place she's out, even if she's with her friends. Pretty disconnected from everyone except her mom. Sometimes she requests to stay with her mom on her dad days, but he doesn't let her. 

It kills me to see BF rejected by MBD...what I would have done to have a father like him. He loves her like a good mom loves her kid. Even saves detailed memoirs for her since she was born. Makes unlimited sacrifices for her birthday matter what. 

BF is looking to start her in therapy soon.  
Any advice from anyone who has overcome this? Or knows someone who has? I need a little encouragement please. 


ESMOD's picture

what is a 3/2 schedule?  does it require frequent changes.. that might be difficult to always be in flux.

Also.. how much time does he spend with her when she IS there?  what kinds of things does he do to bond or entertain her?

lots of kids get out of sorts with changes between houses.. but if it's only "one way".. is mom clinging to her too? is she encouraging this enmeshment?  does she call and tell her daughter she misses her constantly?

Harry's picture

Assuming BM get the 3 days then you two. SD is living with you 40% of the time. SD who is 9 yo.?  I hope she has her own space. Has places to keep her stuff.  Knows the routine of your home.

 Remember SD has two birth parents. You are not one of them.  You see SD as your child.  She see you as a pain.  Her fathers wife trying to control her.   Last thing she wants to do is spend time with you.  And we are sure BM is playing into this , giving you two a hard time.  Sure BM isn't happy with this split of days.  Each week the days are different.  So you can't plan on having all Tuesdays clear.   If this keeps up SD is going to win in the end.  

Evil4's picture

My SD34 was always extremely, extremely, extremely to the power of ten clingy, needy and and obsessed with both BM and DH. BM is a narcissist and enmeshed with SD and DH didn't know how to handle it so he enabled SD's clinginess, which only reinforced it. It's good that your BF is looking to start your SD in therapy soon. It would be a good idea for BF to go for his own therapy to learn how to parent SD in a therapeutic way to her as many well-meaning parents implement a gentle approach strategy that inadvertenly reinforces the behaviour. It is OK for your BF to tell your SD that she's at Dad's house right now and that Dad loves her and wants to visit with her. That she will see Mom again on Monday (or whatever day) but for now we're going to do... It's more than possible that BM is saying things like how much she'll miss SD and on and on which makes the kid anxious and feel responsible for making Mummy sad for coming to see Dad. Who knows what goes on at BM's house, but your BF can't control what she says and does. This is all the more reason for him to follow through with getting therapy for SD and for himself. A lot of dads spoken about on here throw their hands up and put all the blame on what BM does, but it looks like you have a keeper in your BF in that he's not doing that. He's taking action.