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Resent this situation

No Drama's picture

Basically my love and kindness over the past 24 years towards YSD 26 was in vein. Still loves to be centre of attention with DH while I’m treated like an outsider. She’s also a bossy mini wife to DH and very good at manipulating him for money which she desperately needs right now.

I had to explain to DH how i’m feeling about the whole situation with her and how she treats me because it’s making me miserable. He seemed to take on board what I said, but here we are a few weeks later, and she’s visiting more regularly. Prior to this they used to meet up at the restaurant. Now she's suggesting meeting DH at our home before going off to our local restaurant together. After the meal she’s coming back to our home to spend the rest of the afternoon with DH. I’m having to leave my home for most of the day to avoid her and I resent it. I also feel that I can’t do this forever. Today it’s also crossed my mind that she’s probably more than happy I'm not around as she gets DH all to herself so maybe I’m not doing myself any favours after all by leaving my home every time.

I do realise that she is his daughter and it’s only natural that he wants her to visit. But I’m so uncomfortable when she’s around it’s really making me unhappy. I’m now constantly questioning my future with my husband even though we’re generally happy apart from this situation with her. But how can a marriage survive longterm when you dislike their offspring this much!

Please can others tell me how they have managed to stay sane in similar situations? 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Tell your DH how you feel and if the visits don't stop you will seriously consider leaving permanently.  She is trying and succeeding at pushing you out of your place in your house.  He can go back to seeing her outside of your home.

No Drama's picture

Fiancé only known for 8 months got a useless job no savings, she chooses to work 3 days a week. Wants money for wedding and house. Still thinks it's DHs job to provide for her. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Hmm. So the hanging around is probably just buttering your DH up before the ask. Do you think your DH wants to pay for the wedding and house? Does he have that kind of money to give SD without it significantly impacting your household finances? If so, maybe you could discuss with him an amount and have him offer it to her, getting rid of her motivation to pretend to be a caring daughter. Or, if you are like most regular people these days, have him tell her you can't afford to buy her a house and big wedding, or come up with an amount you can and are willing to contribute and lay it out. It sounds like she's "dancing around" the subject and will continue to until she either gets money or gets mad and stops talking to him for another few years (you can hope!) 

la_dulce_vida's picture

Do you have some friends you could invite over? Cook some cabbage to make the house stink? Some loud project you've been putting off? Painting the living room?

What can you do to make the SD feel uncomfortable? LOL

Notthedoormat's picture

Your home for anyone.  If you have plans to be out,  that's one thing, but no...if you don't have prior plans then you shouldn't be expected to leave your house so SD can butter up for a pay out.

If you're completely no contact,  they have to come up with plan B, not you. Otherwise,  you enjoy being in YOUR home. 

I understand the skids wanting money and whatever they feel entitled to, but just because they ask doesn't mean they should receive.  Talk to your DH about her request and the impact on family finances.  If you don't want to give one red cent, make it clear. If you can give her something to make her go away, make it the minimum and make it crystal clear the well is dry. 

Winterglow's picture

Be VERY present when she comes. Be in the same room as them, read a newspaper, do not look up when she says "hello" but say it back to her, and, above all, stare at her in silence and disbelief if she makes any reference to money, inheritance, former home,etc.

Missingme's picture

I agree with Winter. Disengage physically all the time and you're giving them exactly what they want-you gone. 

Rags's picture

Tell DH she does not enter your home. PERIOD DOT!!!

Unless YOU invite her.

Again... PERIOD DOT!!!!

Toxic has no place in anyone's life or home. Regardless who that toxic individual may be.

Time to give DH the message that it is her or it is you and if he chooses her, the locks will immediately be re-keyed and he will lose everything you can take with you intent  being that they can visit at his new home in the refrigerator box at the homeless camp under the local interstate over pass.

Even Portland is starting to run off the vagrants.  There is no need to tolerate toxic crap in our own home life.



BobbyDazzler's picture

Turn the tables.  Don't be the one to feel uncomfortable.  Stay in YOUR home and make HER feel uncomfortable.  Stop with the passive aggressiveness and tell HER how you feel and that you won't be run off. Never let anyone run you off.  If you sit and have a private conversation with her...tell her how you feel.  Record it. Only let your husband hear it if it's needed. 

I continue to read posts to this site with step parents going on about feeling like they have NO power/authority in their own homes.  Geez!! Gird your loins and tell the steps there are boundaries and if your spouse bucks it, tell him where to get off. They aren't married to their children; they are married to us. Your home; YOUR boundaries/rules. 

Missingme's picture

For me, I think sitting down to any private convo with her is counterproductive. Why lower yourself. Why show weakness. From what you've described, there would be no reasoning, no mature way to come to an amicable understanding.

CLove's picture

It feeds into her power trip.

If your husband wants to always bring her around tell him that you want private time.

And absolutely no money given without your express approval.

Missingme's picture

The thought of sticking around for 24 years of the same o same o is horrifying. You're not giving me much hope. Wink

Stressed19's picture

She is an adult! Do not let her push you out of your space!! Do not leave your home. She knows what she is doing. Stay home,  play music that you emjoy, cook your favorite food, maybe something she can't or won't eat!!! Lol 

Make plans with YOUR husband before or after meeting with her!!! Do not let her plan your evenings!!!

Missingme's picture

I agree that you're not doing yourself any favors by leaving the house every time she visits--you're giving her exactly what she wants--you out (Disengaging too much has its pitfalls.). Stick around and "enjoy" every moment! She won't be visiting as much anymore. If I'm wrong and your health and wellness continue taking a hit, even after discussing with your husband, it sadly may end up with you needing to leave to save yourself.  

Shieldmaiden's picture

I have a toxic adult SD who is 21. She is not allowed in our home. I will not budge on this, and dH knows it. She still tries to invite herself over, but I tell him I will call the cops if I see her in my driveway.