You are here

Mini-Wife

wyo_307205's picture

I just need help on the subject. It’s not that I’m jealous, I just feel like there is a balance between dad and daughter and wife/gf whatever you are.

 

So here’s my story.

 

I’ve been with my bf for a year now and the first time I met the MW was during Christmas last year. She’s 8 years old and has to be held at all time by the dad. It’s like her legs don’t work. She in constant need of his attention and if we are trying to ah e alone time together she pushes herself in between us. We can’t even sit together at restaurants. Right now as I write this she has come downstairs and started cuddling with him on the couch. It just infuriates me to no end. I understand it’s his daughter but the whole situational the matter is just unnerving. He use to work with her mom and him and his first wife use to watch her when she was a baby cause the mom was a single mother. Well the mother moved back home and after he got his divorce he moved the MW and the mother to where he was. He then adopted the MW and then after that married the mother. The marriage only lasted a few months and they got a divorce. Fast forward a year and he met me. Now I feel like I have to fight for him whether she’s here or not. She doesn’t live here. Even when he FaceTimes her he locks himself in a room and talks to her for hours. He does have a biological son and he even gets pushed to the side which makes me mad cause he’s autistic and doesn’t understand why he doesn’t get dads attention.

wyo_307205's picture

Also, before the MW got here this summer I tried to sit him down and tell him about my concerns before she got here. Weeeeeell that was a baaaaad idea. I got told I wasn’t to give him parenting advice especially about “HIS” daughter. I am unable to have children of my own because of medical reasons. But I coparent with him with his son because this sons BM is not in the picture. I just only see this getting way worse and years to come. The MW is only going to become more bratty and manipulative, he doesn’t displine her or make her do anything at all when she comes to visit because he said he only get to see her for a short period of time and he doesn’t want to get on to her and that be the only “memories” she has so, she runs all over him. What really upsets me is when it’s tome for all of us to go to bed and he would rather cuddle up to her on the couch till either she or both of them fall asleep while I have to go to bed by myself alone. It’s unacceptable and weird. Should I run or try and work things out cause 11 out of the 12 months of the year it’s amazingly awesome and we have a great time together. 

futurobrillante99's picture

What I'm about to say may sound very harsh, but it's pretty clear to me that this man is as fickle as the day is long, AND, it's pretty clear that his main focus is the little girl who ADORES him. It sounds to me as if SHE is the love of his life, but he needs an adult woman to have sex with and/or help pay bills, do chores and mind his special needs child. You are the person he chose, not to love, but to perform certain duties the love of his life cannot perform.

This is very disturbing. Please seek advice from a professional therapist to confirm the advice you'll get here: he is not a suitable partner for you if you desire a mutually loving and supportive adult relationship.

beebeel's picture

This is weird. My spider senses are flashing red. Something is very wrong with this.

wyo_307205's picture

Mine is too. My gut is telling me to get out and run but I really love this man. It’s just a hard decision to let something like an 8 y/o ruin a lifetime of happiness. I’ll be 30 in October so I’m not getting any younger and I don’t date for fun anymore I date for something serious. 

beebeel's picture

You are only 29. Wink

I was 34 when I had my son. You have plenty of time to choose a better partner.

Don't kid yourself that this weirdo will give you a lifetime of happiness. That's up to you and no man and his weird enmeshment with an unrelated little girl can give you that.

susanm's picture

This is very odd.  He met the child when he worked with her mother and essentially structured his life around her?  Not even remotely normal.

wyo_307205's picture

My thoughts exactly. I don’t dislike the little girl she can be sweet but I also think she is manipulative. Her mom is literally crazy as well. They have a court order that they can only talk through and app and she calls him and called him about a month ago before SD got here and said that she heard a song that made her think of him and that she missed him and how things could be if they would have worked it out. My heart aches and sinks every time I see her calling him. He ignores her calls well at least in my presence. I want to ask to see if phone but feel that that shows I don’t trust him. 

susanm's picture

Then you don't trust him and seeing his phone will only be a temporary fix.  You would have to monitor his phone on a daily basis and even then you would feel uncomfortable as he could always delete any calls or texts.  You know that something is very wrong here.  You said above that you only date for a serious relationship.  While I personally think that this is the quickest way to scare the hell out of men and kill the possibility of a relationship before it even begins, if you really mean that then this is most definitely not the guy for you.  First place is already taken and it is not by you.  My suggestion is to only date men who are fully available but lower the intensity a little.  I get that you feel that "you are not getting any younger" but men can smell that a mile away and it terrifies all but the ones who are seriously damaged or have an ulterior motive like needing someone to take care of their kids from a previous marriage or relationship.

hereiam's picture

Ew.

Winterglow's picture

"he would rather cuddle up to her on the couch till either she or both of them fall asleep while I have to go to bed by myself alone"

 

Next time he does that, lock the bedroom door. When he objects tell him that you do not want to sleep with someone who would prefer to cuddle a little girl at bedtime.

Doublehelix's picture

ugh, fathers and daughters...lol Sometimes I really wonder if I'd have less problems if he had a young son instead.

My SD7 does some of this. When we're sitting on the couch together, she wedges in between us. If she's not feeling as pushy that day, she'll just whine that there's no room for her (we have a huge couch, so that's just ridiculous - there's just no room BETWEEN US). She always calls dibs on sitting in the middle when we're eating at the coffee table (so we're in a row), or at the head of the dining table, so me and her dad are on either side of her. I vaguely remember being this way when I was yonger, this obsession with being in the middle...some kind of reinforcement that you are safely surrounded by your parents, which is why I think it's harmless, but no less annoying. Also, maybe she needs some kind of reminder of inclusion, a problem I never had with bioparents.

We were on vacation once, and she wanted to sit between us on the bed to watch TV before her bedtime. FH kept telling her no, sit on your own bed, and she just rebelliously kept inching in anyway. Finally HE exasperatedly went over to the other bed and berated her for not listening. Why should she listen if he's just gonna give in anyway?

He used to call her "babe" (I've been shaming him out of it, lol), which is what we call each other. I know the connotation is supposed to be different, but it still creeps me out. 

I hope he's receptive to stopping when you point it out.

NoThanks's picture

Run girl!!! Your spidey senses are tingling for a reason. This guy is enmeshed with a girl that is not biologically his AND prefers her over his bio son with special needs. All around weird. 

My ex was enmeshed with his daughter, not as physically as your SO, but definitely emotionally. Lots of manipulation and pity parties for Dad to take part in. He also prefered SD over SS and would rope him into the pity parties and ass-kissing of SD. It was truly sad and infuriating to watch.  He would also jump down my throat if I questioned his parenting or anything to do with his ex. My job was was to shut up and be the fun, sexy, dutiful girlfriend  

Please don’t settle for this dude. He sucks. Straight up. And things will not get better. Trust me. Over 5 years invested and nothing got better. Infact, it got worse until it was unbearable to be around. 

wyo_307205's picture

That sounds exactly like my relationship. I don’t have to work during the summer so I have had both his daughter and son all summer while he has been at work. His son broke his arm so I helped take care of that. Then he got sick I helped take care of that. His daughter got sick again I helped take care of that. Now I’m at home with his son and daughter cause his son had to have surgery while he’s running errands. He tells me he’s thankful for me and that he don’t know what he would do without me but at night when I just want to cuddle with just him on the couch I get the “ I only get to see her one month out of the year and so I’m gonna baby her” speech. I also got told that he would carry as much as she wants because when she weighs to much he won’t be able to do that anymore. Shit my dad could probably hold me and carry me but that’s not gonna happen lol. I’m really close with my dad but there is also and has always been a definitive line between loving your child and being inappropriate. 

AlwaysSmiling's picture

RUN RUN RUN.
I'm dealing with a MW. Sometimes things get a little better. Sometimes they get a lot better, for moths at a time even. But it always goes back to me having to make sure that the MW behaviors are dealt with, bc if it was up to SO, he'd go right back to where we were on day one.

 

caitlinj's picture

He sounds like a weirdo. The relationship is not healthy and not going to get better. We kid ourselves that it will but it will only get worse. The issue on this forum is people blame the kids and as manipulative, entitled, spoiled and scheming as these kids are it is your significant others fault for allowing it. Place your frustrations and blame towards him because that’s where it belongs one hundred percent.

Harry's picture

Doesn’t parent his child. He not teaching her to be a normal child.  She will always come first. You will come third or fourth.  I just don’t get it.

OttoMatik's picture

I agree with the post that says he gets his sex, bills paid/housework from you bcuz the little girl is, yet, too little to do those things for him. 8 y/o wiggling between bio parents is normal, but this guy is (at best) immature and (at worst) grooming a child to be molested. I feel bad for the kids, the ones who are not yours. I too am unable to have kids, it is a mis-notion that we fall into that we can blend, bcuz the reality is we cant. This will not improve, just wait until she is 12 and mouthy, you will wish you had left long before. Or when she is 16 and he wants you to help buy her a car. Or when she is 18 and he wants to buy her her own little house to live in while she goes to college so he can visit without looking weird to a dorm full of her peers. Or when she wants to get married and he can say nothing good about her mate out of jealousy. I know it doesn't feel good now, but do a little forecasting of the future and you may decide to cut your losses. I