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Always Invading Privacy

futurestepmom95670's picture

My FH called me on Facetime on Saturday while he was spending time with his daughter (7). He couldn’t see his side of the screen very well, and didn’t notice her literally leaning over the couch to stare at us during our conversation. I said, “Want to call me back on a regular call so I’m not being stared at.” She was eavesdropping, and I’ve caught her doing this multiple times. It’s not okay with me.


I’ve made it very clear how important my privacy is to me, and I don’t appreciate him letting her constantly invade it (she crawled into bed with us while I was in my underwear. We didn’t have a lock on the door, but she had JUST been talked to about coming into a room without knocking, so I guess we’re both at fault). I know she has a lack of boundaries with her mother, so she just doesn’t know that she’s crossing lines, but it’s up to my FH to instill that in her. His immediate response was “we just won’t facetime while I’m with her,” but by that logic, we can’t text, talk on the phone, or otherwise have conversations that are not necessarily private, but definitely none of her business and subsequently her mother’s business, because that’s who she reports back to. How will he know if she’s reading texts over his shoulder, or hiding around a corner to listen to conversations we are having. She knows she’s not supposed to be doing this, or she wouldn’t be hiding, right?


Obviously I’m not going to talk about anything super private that I don’t want to get out, but things like my job, my family, my pets, our plans for the weekend, I don’t need getting back to psycho BM who will do everything in her power to cause problems. In my opinion, FSD7 needs to be talked to, and disciplined for eavesdropping. Am I wrong?


On a side note, FH dropped this one on my on Saturday: “SD7 wants to come over for dinner at your house,” but hinted at it being without me there. I can’t figure out why she’d want to do that, and why he’d say yes to her coming to MY house without asking me first, but it bugs me. I have a feeling it’s because DH drops her off at grandma’s house and comes over to my place from time to time (sleepovers with grandma, they both enjoy those, and gives us the chance to have weekend date nights, etc.), and he tells her about the fun stuff we do, and she wants to be included in everything he does.  She’s been to my house once, where she took it upon herself to let the dog run around the house (his dog, just as poorly behaved and untrained as his daughter) and jump all over furniture, but also barged into my bedroom without knocking. There is literally nothing for her to do here, so I don’t know why she’d even want to come. She also wants him to take MY cat over to her house so she can play with it. She’s only seen pictures of it but FH talks about the cat to her sometimes. He told her yes…sorry mini-wife doesn’t get everything she wants just because she says she wants it, especially when it’s mine (my house, my cat, etc.). She has a cat, and a house she can have dinner with her dad at. I can’t help but think she is trying to stir up crap, she’s getting ultra manipulative already.  


I’ve made it abundantly clear that I will not be moving in with them until the boundary issues are vastly improved. The mini-wife boundaries, the asserting herself into our relationship boundaries, and child/adult authority boundaries.


I’m thinking I should just keep my own place until she’s 18 and moved out, or too old to want to come over and hang out with Daddyyyyyyy so much. But wishful thinking, right? J

JanRebecca's picture

If you are having these issues now DO NOT MOVE IN!!!! Believe me it will only be intensified a million times and you won't be able to get away from it. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

Seriously.  This kid is not going anywhere.  And it will get worse as she gets older.  I concur that you should not move in.  I am afraid if you are having this much resentment over this kid, it will also get worse.  Run!

momjeans's picture

For the love of Pete - do NOT move in with him. Keep your own place. Enjoy a long, LONG engagement. If he loves you, he won’t go anywhere... just like his daughter. 

Blue Moon's picture

I am also waiting until SD17 is launched before moving in with my SO, but I have fewer years to wait than you do!

About the curiosity, I think it's normal for a 7 year old child to want to listen in on a phone conversation. Maybe your SO could wait until visitation is over before facetiming you? How often does he see his child? If he has 50/50 custody, I completely understand you need to talk during the week, but if he only gets her EOWE, maybe wait until she's back at her mom's place?

As for wanting to go to your house (without you there? Did I read that correctly?), that's just strange and there's no way I would agree to that.

Part of why I don't want to live with SO and SD17 is I'm afraid she would let BM inside my house to snoop while we're not there. My privacy is also very important to me.

crankymom's picture

I betcha the BM is sending her kid over to your house to spy on you, snoop through your things, look at your "stuff", where you live, how clean it is, what/how much alcohol you have in the house, etc. Don't move in with this guy.

s-kill me's picture

Whether or not your move in is your choice. But I just want to mention that a lot of these responses seem pretty extreme. 

I agree with Blue Moon that this sounds like typical 7-year old behavior.  I certainly wouldn't jump to any conclusions that she's some top-secret spy.  7-year olds are nosy.  Kids are nosy.  Hell, my mom still says that the only time her kids wanted to be around her as teens and older was when she was on the phone. 

Rags's picture

Hell no. Kids need boundaries and they need them enforced forcibly when necessary.  Do not tie your life's star to this failed man whose life partner is is 7yo daughter.

momjeans's picture

I don’t see this as a spying child, but more of a nosey one.

When DH and I were still dating, BM went through phases of trying to pawn off skid as much as possible, because she knew it meant less one-on-one private, or at least uninterrupted, time. 

HowLongIsForever's picture

I have one SS that I swear has a tracking device on me.  If I disappear from view for too long boom there he is.  Super annoying and at times infuriating.  Always wants to know what I'm doing and rope me into some nonsense (he has no interest in participating or observing what I'm actually doing).  He requires redirection but does not actually attempt to insert himself.  He's not nosy so much as somehow starved for attention.

Older SS is a creep over your shoulder inch closer push you out of the way of your computer screen while working kind of nosy.  I will shut everything down - whatever it is I'm doing: reading, working, playing a game, texting.  He gets an "excuse you" and sent out of the room.  This one has actually grabbed my phone out of my hand in passing so he could see the screen.  That was a fun one. 

The majority of the time I take matters into my own hands rather than wait for SO to catch on, acknowledge and correct the behavior. I've gone as far as to simply step out of the house, quietly and without attitude.  SO will later relay to me that my enforcing of boundaries makes him feel like a failure.  Lol   Hmm...

I think being in your business is standard for a child of that age.  It doesn't mean you have to welcome or tolerate it.  If SO isn't willing to guide the kid towards more proper behavior remove yourself from the equation.  Whether that's on an incident by incident basis or more permanently, you get to choose what you put up with.  

Let your SO know of your concern, how he can make the situation better (i.e. for you) and then see if he makes progress.  Don't look at it as deviant behavior (yet) but a child lacking education on the matter.  Encourage him to better his kid rather than punish.  

As for treating your home and your cat as some novelty, I would shut that down pronto.  You, your home, your cat do not exist for anyone's entertainment.  There is zero reason for that request and in no rational world are you required to honor such crap. 

I assume he wouldn't make such a request of any other unrelated adult in skids life (if I'm wrong then consider the run option) so he should recognize, even if it's spoon fed, that it's wrong to ask it of anyone especially you.

notasm3's picture

Time to explain to her that one WAITS to be invited to someone’s home for a meal. It is beyond rude to tell someone that you want to come over for dinner. I don’t expect a 7 year old to know this without being told but this is a prime teaching moment. Q

She can invite you to bring your cat over but she should not be allowed to DEMAND it. You have the right to politely decline. 

You need to be firm with both your SO and his child. Don’t let them guilt you into accepting unacceptable behavior.  If your SO is going to pitch fits over stuff like this he’s not a keeper.