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Avoiding Adult SD

No Drama's picture

Many of you may have seen my previous posts. Basically I have been leaving DH to see his youngest daughter alone. This is for my own sanity because she’s driving me up the wall with this sense of entitlement and manipulation. She’s also buttering him up for money which he’s totally oblivious to. But he’s obviously revealing in all this new attention, especially as prior to this he/we hardly saw her! 

DH knows how I feel about the situation with her as I have told him on more than one occasion. Now however it’s like we’ve never had the conversation at all!

He’s now asking if I can be around next time she’s here. He’s worried because she apparently thinks I’m avoiding her which I am.  It just beggars belief especially as she hardly acknowledges me when I am there, most of her conversations exclude me. Or maybe she misses me not being around to witness her treating DH like a mini wife!

Nevertheless feeling really annoyed that I am made to feel like I’m the one in the wrong when I’m just trying to protect myself!

Winterglow's picture

Stop leaving when she comes over. Find yourself a good book and settle down in the kitchen to read it. Why the kitchen? So that if she comes in and starts rifling through the cupboards/fridge, you can ask her straight up what she thinks she's doing, that this isn't HER kitchen and that, in the future, she will ASK you if she wants anything from YOUR kitchen.

If she asks why you don't go and sit with her and daddy, you tell her that you don't see why you should, after all, you have nothing to say to her. 

Be blunt. Make HER uncomfortable. If your husband tries to interfere, remind him how often you have discussed her not being in your home. She might as well know.

The other option is following the advice I gave in your last post:

"Be VERY present when she comes. Be in the same room as them, read a newspaper, do not look up when she says "hello" but say it back to her, and, above all, stare at her in silence and disbelief if she makes any reference to money, inheritance, former home,etc."

Whatever you decide to do, you're going to have to go beyond your comfort zone if you want to have any results at all. 

Also, realize that the reason she's trying to be nice to you is because she's trying to reel you in/win you over in the misguided notion that you can tip the money scales (because her dad sounds like he's resisting) to fund her wedding. Call her out on that too if you feel like it.

SteppedOut's picture

Excellent advice. 

If I ever make my way to France, I'm buying you dinner. 

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

Yeah...and I predict both DH and SD want you BACK but for different results on money talk: SD thinks you can turn the money convo in her favor and DH would like you to play bad guy by saying no so he doesn't have the pressure on his shoulders or help shoulder the responsibility with him. Interesting...

Noway2b1's picture

Stop leaving. Say hello, then go do other things. Make it a point to walk through where they are visiting and only engage if spoken directly to. This is what I do. Occasionally I do leave if I've got errands to run. Also I often say hello, then go take a long luxurious bath. 

tfsimmons's picture

It's heartbreaking to know you still deal with this shit!!  What's even more disturbing - it doesn't end...   My heart is with yours and sadly  - we will end this madness but it will be because of our great loss...  Tits Up, Mrs. Mazel!

CLove's picture

Thats all the advice I have to give because thats what I was given and its working.

BobbyDazzler's picture

when my oldest SS (40) moved out of the house (thank God!) and got his own place, DH and I would go over to say 'hi' and make sure he was doing well. Every time we went over there, he spoke to DH only and never made eye contact with me or included me in the conversation.  I pointed it out to DH (he claims he didn't notice it - usual reply) and told him I'm not going to OSS house any longer with him.  If he wants to visit him, he goes alone.  DH stopped going over to OSS house. Still, to this day, DH doesn't bother with OSS because I have distanced myself from him and his wife/2 kids. When they come to our home for holidays (only time he sees his father) I'm polite to them but view them as simply guests in my home like I would a neighbor. 

Very frustrating when our husbands of the steps don't see what we see.  I agree with Winterglow. Make her feel uncomfortable by setting boundaries and asking questions.  Put SD on the defense. If SH doesn't like it, too bad.  That's your home, too, and she is violating your peace of mind.

I agree - don't let her run you out of your house.  Stay put, say hello and then proceed to do whatever you want/need to do in your house. There's more power in you standing your ground while NOT engaging with her. 

shamds's picture

Down 5 yrs ago. I made it clear to my husband that i refused to be around their toxic behaviour and no i would not be present for the next outing to distract hubby for the toxic disrespectful feral miniwives he had as daughters.

that forced him to tolerate their crap for 1 outing and without me and our then 2 toddlers as distractions, it made my husband ask himself "hang on, my wife is at home with our kids this weekend whilst i am wasting time doing this unproductive crap with sd's", that forced him to address those issues and call out skids on that

Humbird53's picture

This situation is one I know well.  The Wedding Campaign.  

The Wedding Campaign (funding) is when the heretofore absentee skid suddenly blossoms into the most charming individual in order to make the big show happen.  In my case, the SD36 reeled in the brooding and arguing with DH for several months prior and was oh so nice to me too.  

After The Wedding: I wish we hardly heard from her but the sparring with DH started up again, as if nothing had changed.

in your case, I predict that once the hooplah is over, your DH will once again be placed on the back burner.

But to address your present situation, I would not leave the house. I would politely say "Hello!" and then go about my business away from their conversations.  You have to honor your own peace of mind and who cares what they think?  She's just buzzing around now, but I say that won't last.  I wouldn't even continue mentioning her manipulation to your DH.  My DH was flattered too, until later when he found himself in the hot seat again.  Staying neutral is hard to do at first.  I have mostly succeeded at that, but sometimes get yanked into the middle.  Anyway, I've been at this for 30 years.  I understand how you feel, very much so. ( I am new here and have not read your other posts).

Shieldmaiden's picture

Good job! Stand your ground. Don't let this girl make YOU feel uncomfortable. 

My DH still has a relationship with his oldest sociopathic daughter. I told him I really have no desire to have a relationship with her or have her in my home at the holidays, so he can work it out. If this means that he spends Thanksgiving at his sisters house. So be it. I will happily avoid that little spoiled brat at any cost.