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adult time And my feelings

iimoorshiai's picture

I truly love my SD. She is 7 and very well behaved. A dream SD really.  She lives with daddy/us full time and she likes to pretend play I am her “mama.” 

I genuinely love spending our time with her but daddy wants to spend every waking hour playing and entertaining her. He is her play toy and he lives to make sure she’s never bored. Am I wrong to feel hurt and neglected? Even after she is asleep, we don’t connect sexually cuz she might wake up. I feel like I am a weekend / Saturday only gf. Am I wrong to expect adult time? I feel like everything I expect is validated but how do I not sound like a jealous bitch? I also pay for most everything. I dont want to use this as leverage. He’s a good man but I’m tired of living like I’m on a budget and tied down. 

Why do I always feel second? I want to start our own family but he’s just too clueless to remember when I’m fertile. (I text him marked calendar dates but were usually too busy arguing or with his kid to remember). He’s a great guy but maybe it’s time to walk? I love him and he tires but if it’s not meeting my needs, is it enough?

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SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

RUN!

GirlfriendMom's picture

You need to tell him that he is not splitting up his time very effectively and it makes you feel abandoned. That the relationship between the two of you should be/is just as important as the relationship between himself and SD. That without an adult relationship seperate from the kid(s), an adult relationship cant/wont function. I have been there and sometimes still am with my man being his daughters play toy and her taking all his attention. Its especially annoying in public. Girl I GET IT. But you gotta have that conversation and then remind him occasionally that you need personal adult time and that sometimes you two need to come first. 

No sexy time because SD might wake up..? WHAT? Do you guys not have a door lock? If so, get one. My SD is gonna be 9 soon, we met when she was 7, and we have sexy time whenever we want. She knocks on the door and unless it's an emergency, we yell through the door/across the room to go back to bed. Your man is being ridiculous in this regard.

iimoorshiai's picture

We've had the conversation before and regularly. But how often does he need to be reminded of this? When will he WANT to spend time with just me when she is around? I am included in all of their play but holy shit, if we even attempt an adult conversation, 3 words in she will inturrupt us. He is aware of it and last time it happened and he didn't stop it cuz she was "excited" about something, he saw how upset I was and it blew up into a huge arguement later... because god forbid we calmly disagree in front of her. I bite my tongue repeatedly. 

He tries but FFS HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE?

And no. We actually do NOT have a lock on the door. But thankfully I got him to teach her the knock and wait for an ok to enter policy... We do have sex when she is here but it's straight wam bam thank you ma'am in order to avoid any interruprtions. It's just frustrating. 

We've only been living together for 6 months so I know it's all fresh and new for everyone but why do I have to be the only one suffering?

hereiam's picture

There's nothing like living with somebody to find out who they really are.

If he wants to change because you want him to change, he's probably not going to change. Even if he wants to change because he knows that what he is doing is not quite right, there is a good chance he won't change because, well, this is who he is and changing is hard.

tog redux's picture

I’m not one to say this so quickly, but I think he’s using you. Either that or he’s having erectile dysfunction issues. 

Talk to him about the inequity of you paying for everything and the need for that to change and you will find out which it is. 

justmakingthebest's picture

This is a core value thing. Some parents believe that once you have kids, your whole life revolves around them. They believe that you sacrifice your marriage/relationship until they have gone off into the world. 

Other people, like what sounds like you and I, believe that while kids NEEDS should always be met, your life shouldn't revolve 100% around them. Kids need to be able to have independent play time. They need to make friends. They need to be told to go to the other room and find something to do. Parents/SO's/ect. need date nights. Sex. Connection. 

My DH and I thankfully are very compatible on this topic. We believe that if our lives revolved around our kids, what would we have together once they are out of the house? You become strangers at that point. Why be with a stranger who was really only using you/using eachother as additional funds, transportation, whatever for a kid who is now gone? 

Be careful with this relationship. Compatibility is always key and you have to be compatible in those core areas. This is one of those. I suggest talking to him about it. See if he is willing to make your relationship and future that hopefully lasts longer than SD will be at home a priority. 

This can be little things. Bedtime is 8 pm. By 8:30 you guys should have a glass of wine in hand, tv off and have a conversation for a little while about ANYTHING but SD. 2X a month you guys get a date night. It doesn't have to be some crazy night on the town. It can be as simple as a picnic at the park. However, SD needs to know that she isn't invited on these dates. These are the little things that sustain you while you are raising children. If he isn't willing, I would start a departure from this relationship.

notarelative's picture

 I also pay for most everything...I’m tired of living like I’m on a budget and tied down. 

If you have a baby with him this feeling will only get worse. If he doesn't / can't pay much now, what would make you think he'd pay more if there is another child in the mix. Your expenses will increase. Most likely his contribution won't.

Daddy wants to spend every waking hour playing and entertaining her. He is her play toy and he lives to make sure she’s never bored.

Do you think this would change with a new baby? Or is it more likely that it would continue and the new child ignored? Daddy won't want his older child to feel like she is being replaced. She's the child of a divorce/ broken relationship and needs special consideration. You'll likely watch SD get the same attention and your child being ignored.

This guy has shown you exactly who he is. Believe him.

 

Curious Georgetta's picture

but he may have no desire to have another child. Your emphasis on reproduction may be quite the turn off for a man whose fathering interest and need is already satisfied.

The fact that you view " paying for everything " as a leverage in this situation suggest that stud service is indeed what you on some level is what you think that you are owed . The fertility cycle reminders put him on notice as to what you expect of him. They may also be  a mood/desire killer to any romantic interest that he has. 

There is nothing wrong with you wanting a child of your own. That is normal and understandable.

It just seems as though you are on a page that your partner either has not reached or that he had read and moved on; it may be that you need to find a partner more in tune with your specific wants and needs.

Additionally, if you are having to support the child that this man has now, why would you think that he would want to produce a second child that he is incapable of supporting?

You can do better and if not better, you can do it differently. There is no need for you to remain in this situation.

There are many men out there who would willingly reproduce with total indifference to their ability to support a child.

iimoorshiai's picture

He says he is on board with it and told me multiple times if I needed to, to wake him up and demand that it's time... but I feel like if I make him aware of my fertile time, which he told me he wanted me to, that I am not taking on the full responsiblity of us "sharing" this adventure. 

And if we do 'do it' and his daughter is home, than it does become mechanical. One and done. No romance or forplay. It all just sucks sometimes.

hereiam's picture

Why would you want to start a family with this guy? Why would you want to stay with him, at all?

Find somebody who values you... and not just for your money.

What he's doing with his daughter is very unhealthy for the both of them. It's called co-dependency.

iimoorshiai's picture

Yeah, I've sent him tons of articles on this too. And he is aware he's doing it and wants to change... so I wait. 

And he pays from himself and her and me when he can. He doesn't use me for money. I just meant I want to do more things than he is financially caplable of and doesn't want me to pay for everything.

Step-girlfriend's picture

I feel you. SD9 always wants my SO's attention, and I did have to talk to him about making us a priority as well. He's done a lot better since. However, we don't have the other issues you mentioned- my SO pays for his kids and the majority of things. Why are you paying for almost everything?

It seems there are some issues I would want to resolve before having a child with this man. He does seem to be taking advantage of you. I would talk to him about your concerns, but if nothing changes I would not stick around for this.

iimoorshiai's picture

Thanks for all the responses. He’s a good guy, just a pushover at times with her. He’s admired to me he knows he has the divorced dad syndrome when I sent him articles on how he’s actually doing more harm than good when he’s always up her butt. And he also apologizes for not realizing what he’s doing sometimes and suggested we try professional help. 

I just really needed to vent and not that I’m sticking up for him cuz I still am upset, he does try. 

But I see the main point here, if nothing is changing - do I really want to continue doing this over and over. Insanity. 

 

Thanks again for all the support <3

 

TwoOfUs's picture

Well the big question is why are you paying for everything. Does he not have a job? 

What does he contribute to the household...other than a daughter who drains your finances? 

 

PS - I ask this because I know the answer can be more nuanced and complex than it appears in your post. For example, I spent a long time responsible by default for most of the day-to-day expenses in our household while my husband worked to build his business and his income was erratic. Then he went all in on the business and cut off other sources of income entirely...and for FOUR YEARS he made negative income once you looked at his business expenses.

Now...that's not unusual for a start-up...but it did cause resentment because I also helped by working for his business for free and I worked part-time to cover our expenses. I make a high hourly rate, so I really don't have to work full-time to pay all our bills...but it still stung to be fully responsible for it during this time period, especially since he was still paying Child Support for the youngest (which means I was paying it).

Naturally, this caused resentment and stress and I ended up gritting my teeth and feeling angry any time he did anything "extra" with the skids...even though I'm normally a very generous person. It was too much to bear being the primary breadwinner, managing the finances, working without pay for his business, AND watching him spend extra money on his kids.

However, I did believe in his idea for his business...and wanted it to succeed. And I did have to acknowledge that his parents have helped us out regularly, which does count for something toward our household income...and I wouldn't have that if not for him. Their help wasn't enough to totally cancel out the money I was spending on maintaining our household and his kids...but it was significant. So, my situation isn't/wasn't super cut-and-dry. 

Once all skids aged-out and all spending was discretionary, a lot of the feelings of resentment went away...but I still struggle with those feelings of past resentment. The business looks like it's about to get its first big contract this spring, and I now own 50% because I insisted on ownership for my time. As soon as possible...I'm going to take a paycheck from DH's business and use it to pay myself back for the years of support. Or, I'll insist on getting paid back when DH inherits...like, to an account in my name only. 

iimoorshiai's picture

He has a job and pays for what he can. I didn't mean for it to come off as I am responsible for paying for everyones needs. He def covers his daughter and the esentials. I just get upset that I make good money but we never do nice things with it. I WANT to pay for us to go out and enjoy our lives, take nice vacations etc but it actually hurts his pride sometimes and we don't do these things. I suppose I meant I don't want to hold it over his head that he needs me to live life. Also, if I were to have my own kid with him, I don't mind paying for the majority of it's needs but it does hurt me when he ie. gets his tax returns and wants to dump all the money into his kids savings account when I tell him I want to have a kid... I know he is just looking out for his kid (her aunts and grandparenrs all look out for the kids financial future mind you) but I feel it's a bit selfish and she may always be his #1. Sorry went off on a tangent there.

We talk about moving into a bigger house to accomedate all our needs but I know he is just happy living in his original small house in a crappier part of town cuz he can afford it.  But I'm also scared if *I* buy *US* a house and it doesn't work out, I am stuck with something I created for our family. I just get so fed up dumbing and dulling my life down to what he can afford.

 

TwoOfUs's picture

Yep...I hear you on that. 

Only...I wish my DH was better at sticking to what he can afford! :) 

But yes, it's very hard to be a childless woman married to a man with kids. You end up always feeling like you are sacrificing your quality of life and, perhaps, your financial future for someone else's kids. Because you are

It would be nice if more men would understand this basic inequity at a fundamental level and do more to balance things out and/or show more understanding for our feellings and appreciation for our efforts.

Unfortunately, from what I've seen, the vast majority of men with kids who marry childless women go into it with their head in the sand, blindly assuming that of course this loving, nurturing woman will love the little darlings as much as he does (isn't that our role as women?) and be jumping up and down with joy at the "opportunity" to sacrifice over and over again for someone else's kids. 

I've known men with kids who have flat-out told me they're looking to remarry a woman without kids...because they don't want to be inconvenienced by someone else's kids. But it doesn't seem to phase them at all that they're expecting this new woman to jump in whole-heartedly with their children.  I think it's because most men are raised to think of themselves first...with a selfish mindset that looks primarily at what women can do for them. even if they don't realize it...and even if they think of themselves as "feminist" or caring for the women in their lives.

Say all this to say. Whether you marry and have a kid or never have your own kid...you'll always be providing something for your SO that he's not providing for you. Care, love, and support for a child that's not yours. And he will always expect it and never appreciate your sacrifice in the way that you need him to, most likely. 

My DH has gotten much, much better and is now reasonable and appreciative...but only because I laid down the law pretty hard. You need to do the same. No. He can't spend ALL of his tax return ensuring his daughter's financial future. That's unfair to you and your relationship...he needs to ensure your future together if he wants this to work out. 

Evil3's picture

My SD29 was 7 when I met my DH. I waited for years and years for my DH to either get how much he was hurting me, or to realize how obsessed he was with SD. I felt so unloved, devalued and that I was just expendible. I turned myself inside out every which way to try to "get my DH to love me."

I confided in my parents, I went to secret counselling for years and years and my parents, and counsellors and anyone else I spoke to would say "oh, he just needs..." and it was always for one issue after another to be resolved and then my DH would finally love me. I was literally in agony for two decades. The mini-wife crap doesn't change. It's like a drug. These dads and the mini-wives do not change. It's as if they are drugs to one another and they can't help themselves. It does not end. In fact, it gets worse because these mini-wives get craftier and they ramp up their manipulation and the dads deeplly engrained fears that cause them to obsess over their brats do not get healed. My SD was still getting DH to tuck her in at the age of 23. Of course there was a justification and I was the bitch for gently broaching the topic with DH. I'm the one who got my head ripped off and had DH shit down my throat for pointing out that 23 year old women do not normally get tucked in. I swear it's true. SD was so royal that she was never required to do a damn thing. I'm sure the long time posters here are sick of my example of SD not even emptying her period paddy garbage cans, but it's an example of just how bad the mini-wife, Disney dad crap can get.

I had DDstb19 with DH and it was as if I was a single mom. DH couldn't have SD be jealous, so all of the holidays were private Daddy/SD dates. Even SS was excluded. Guess where DH went on our anniversay one year? Yep! You guessed it. He went out and celebrated our wedding anniversay with SD. That was a last straw to when I lost my shit four years ago, but that's a whole other story. What I'm trying to get across to you is that if you keep waiting for some stage to pass or for your SO to come to some sort of realization, it won't happen. The mini-wife obsession is so strong that it trumps everything else and if your SO is like mine, he'll actually fight tooth and nail to remain the disney dad of a mini-wife. My SD is 29 and she still tries to comandeer DH and have constant contact with him. Even though DH made a ton of changes for me, I'm not over the anger and I'm constantly on high alert because it's as if I have Mini-Wife PTSD.

iimoorshiai's picture

Yeah, the feeling of trying to force someone to want to spend time with you is really sickening to me. I tell him that too. Shouldn't he want to spend quality time with me when she is around? And his anwer is he makes time for me. It's not the same as WANTING to make time for me. 

ugh

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Please slow down and stop trying to have a baby with this man. You haven't been together for very long and have a lot of issues to work out. Your future child deserves to have two loving committed parents in its life, not to play second best to a princess.

 You really need to advocate for yourself and your own needs, including your sexual ones. I'd be servicing myself and letting him go without, teasing and leaving him frustrated - just like he does to you. 

Right now, he's getting everything he wants. He has plenty of time for his primary relationship, plus you for cooking, cleaning, financial assistance, and quick sexual relief. But what are you getting out of this, besides the fantasy of what could maybe possibly one day be?

Do some reading on enmeshment and the Golden Child dynamic. I'm not saying either of these are occurring, but you need to know how twisted things could get down the road.

I think I'd have a come to Jesus talk with this Disney Dad. Tell him you're considering ending the relationship because he's not as invested as you are and is ignoring your needs and life goals. Give things six months to improve. Start by seek joint counseling, parenting classes, and only paying one third of the household expenses. If there hasn't been a huge improvement after six months, move on to something healthier.