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How to Deal with Wife and Ex

walfredo's picture

About 3 weeks ago, it was decided between my wife and her ex that he would no longer be doing his 1-day per week overnights with their son.  He gets every other weekend + tuesdays prior... so overnights drop from 8/mo to 4/mo

My wife was pretty upset about this, and told me about it after it happened.  Saying- he's not going to do Tuesday's anymore.

This is not my lane, and I just want to take a supportive role about whatever they decide. 

For the backstory... her son had declined quite a few weeks recently saying he wasn't feeling up for it on Tuesdays.  During the 3 years I've known her, the ex blows it off at least 1 out of 4, with no notice that he won't be coming... So anyway it was always messy and I'm not really sure which side (her son or her ex) is pushing for this or why it came to be.  I asked and no reply..

So time goes by, and whatever I'm not really having much opinion or concern on this change.

So what then gets agreed upon, without any  discussion with me, or even attempt to notify me this is happening... is the change becomes not that the ex won't see his son Tuesday, but that he will stop doing overnights at his place on Tuesday's...

Which means...

So last night... I come home from kids stuff around 6:15 and notice he is parked outside our house. I asked my wife what was up, and she said, oh he is taking SS to dinner on Tuesday's now.  Ok, wish you'd have said something, but whatever, it's a bit strange he is parked out front if they are going to dinner?  

So wife and me are having dinner outside (its nice out here) and talking, and I can hear him and SS in the space behind our backyard.

He has now shifted his weekday parenting time from taking him to his house and bringing him back in the morning, to doing it outside of our house in the yard space behind us for 2 hours... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Sorry, did I say that last part outloud?  

I said- that doesn't sound like dinner. She said what?  I said- them playing back there- that isn't what you said they were doing tonight... 

She got short with me, said she'd take care of it, wouldn't ever happen again... 

I know none of this is my wifes idea, but I am just getting beyond fed up with these situations I end up put in.  I'm not trying to be an angry person, that has some sort of vendetta for this guy, but the situations that keep coming up are insane.  

Her position is basically he is an unreliable coparent, and has let SS over and over throughout his life, so she is trying to do what she can to support them maintaining some relationship...  My position is WTF


Survivingstephell's picture

I read your profile.  Is this an autism thing?  

Our homes should be our sanctuary from life, a place of retreat from life's little dramas.  It's not too much to expect some distance from her ex.  I'm curious why she's so comfortable pissing  you off and not the ex?   

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Did your wife's ex ever pay to have the door fixed that he broke down inside your house?

walfredo's picture

We had to use his contractor, who swore it would be "good as new".  It was fairly obvious it was shattered wood being glued together and would not be "good as new" to me... but I'm fairly easy going to a fault.

It then shattered like 4 or 5 days later when the kids were playing (in the same spot of the same door) and so we are replacing it for like 2K and she doesn't want to ask him about it....

notarelative's picture

Is the property behind your backyard a public area? 
Did he bring takeout for a picnic with SS?

walfredo's picture

It is technically public.  There are 3 homes that back up to it, we are one of the 3 and it's not on a road or anything, so its not really used.  No one ever hangs out there other then our kids and its literally right behind our yard, like the fence is the only way to know where our yard starts it stops- we do have landscaping so only in a few spots is there a clear view in/out

There is a high schoo with every type of fieldl as well as 5 other parks within walking distance that aren't 10 feet from our backyard table... but yes they are respecting thr not come to our house/property boundary technically.

Honestly, I would probably be ok with them doing this if I had some discussion about why, and when ahead of time, and it was very limited.

I felt/feel ambushed that is was just some surprise I'm supposed to be good with.  It also pissed me off when I asked what was up, the answer I got wasn't what was what was actually happening.  My eyes and ears are the only reason I know more about what is going on.  Maybe this is what people do... their kid likes the area and I think wanted to show his dad around it.  They were there for about 2 hours in the evening 6-8ish

walfredo's picture

My wife, bless her heart, honestly is heartbroken that this dude keeps doing less and less.  He has always been unreliable and whatnot.  So her actions, whether or not she would say this out loud, are to go overboard to accommodate whatever he says he wants to keep the relationship going.  He provides $0 in financial support for anything involving their kid.  He now has like 12% parenting time for overnights.  I have never made drop offs or pickups weird, have been to events with the guy, flew to Italy and back on the same plane as him once... like I honestly have no inkling to want this to be confrontational.  I completely support him being in his kids life... but where I disagree is that letting him float around and keep moving the goal posts isn't working.  Like she literally thinks its not weird to pay for his venue to watch his kid when she is gone, or to offer that he hang out around her/our home instead of having to deal with overnights since he is saying he won't do those anymore.

At the end of the day- #1- he absolutely owes child support and she could get it approved in an instant (its not that much, but its something) and #2- he has stayed in this kids life in some capacity for 13 years... I don't honestly believe he's just going to bail.  Maybe not accommodating his every whim and saying- hey you owe this to your kid, and these are your parenting days, if you cut them more you'll owe more is a better plan...

Oh well.  I think I'm just supposed to go along with this stuff sometimes, it doesn;t honestly effect me that much in any real way, other then I just get infuriated with it.

Notthedoormat's picture

Your lane and to be easy going....but the phrase give them an inch and they'll take a mile comes to my mind.

I'm generally easy going, too...sometimes too much, but the older I get the less bullshit I am inclined to accept quietly.  

Keeping lazy BD's relationship going with SS isn't your DW's responsibility.  You mentioned no support payments,  but does he contribute to clothing and other needs?  I hope he's not off the hook altogether since it really is his responsibility,  too.  

Pushing for court ordered support might deter him from making changes that disrupt your normal schedule and keep him from thinking that space behind your house is ideal for visits. Next thing you know he will want to pull up a seat with you and DW (at least that would be my fear).  

If you're ok with Tuesday night dinners,  maybe DW can recommend some places for their meal, other than within shouting distance. 

I'm sure DW is exasperated by this, but she will probably have to set boundaries and enforce them,  which us hard when you're trying to make the best of things and doing too much to keep BD involved. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I would be bothered by this too, even in your wife's shoes. Our homes are our sanctuary and exes are not welcomed. Hearing his voice would just kill my mood. 

Glad she is taking care of it!