Initiating Separation Soon
I will be initiating seperation soon.If logistics were a bit simpler, I believe I'd have already left.
We have 4 school age kids between us, and there are thoughts about minimizing disruption.
One thought would be to stay in this living situation through early June, and let the school year finish with everyone living in district and keep things simpler for the kids.
Neither of us will want our shared home in a separation, so there is also a strong pull to get it listed and sold so we no longer have any shared assets, or financial obligations as soon as is realistically possible. We are married, so in addition we will need to get legally divorced.
Does anyone have any advice on things not to do when initiating a seperation/divorce with a blended family unit? Strategies for keeping things as stable as is realistically possible for kids?
Any other advice or thoughts?
Thank you
Hopefully you and your STBX
Hopefully you and your STBX are willing and able to go through this all as civilly as possible. I saw in a prior post you did a fairly good job of keeping finances identified and separate.. so your home would be the biggest asset to deal with.
I would be cautious about not listing and selling as soon as is practical given the risk that you may not get as much later as you might get now... you never know how real estate markets will be 6 months from now, so perhaps setting a good/fair price on the home.. selling and being done with that joint asset would be best.
I am assuming you don't have joint bios.. so that should also simplify things.
What is the local rental market in your kid's school district? Do you and/or your STBX plan on staying in the district long term? Is it the only option in your area.. or do you think your kids might benefit from not being in the same district going forward. I don't know if your region where you both work has many districts.. or just one like my rural area does. Thinking about where you want the kids to be long term.. where you want to be long term bears some consideration.
If you want to keep kids in the same districts.. then selling and moving residences within the district shouldn't disrupt their lives any more than the separation in your relationship.
I think it will be easier on everyone if the split happens cleanly.. which means one of you finds a new place.. even if it is only for an interim basis until you find a more permanent place for each of you.
It also depends on finances.. whether either of you would be in a position to buy now.. or whether you would need to rent.. (prior to selling the house)..
If one of you will have to rent even if you sell the home.. I don't see any reason for them to not go out now and secure that rental. You can adjust payments for the primary home.. perhaps the person who stays until it sells would pay all utilities.. and mortgage.. but the person who left would have their share of the mortgage adjusted from the proceeds (I am assuming the person who was renting might not have cash flow to pay mortgage AND rent).. and that way you each cash flow wise are somewhat equitable.. but it does adjust in the distribution in some form.
The age of the kids will determine the level of detail.. but again.. I think it will be less confusing if they don't see you living together "in harmony".
Thank you
These are where my head is kind of wandering to at the moment. My kids 13, 11, 6 have been in same school district since my first wife and I moved here in 2015. It's the best one in the state, and in general I've been pretty happy here... but the idea of taking this opportunity to really consider starting over is starting to take some thought in my head.
For the remainder of this school year is the largest challenge... I still own our home from before me and stbx moved in together, which is in district, and fits our families needs very well. It's also nearly paid off, and fits our budget really well. The inconvenient part, is it is currently leased to another family with an end date of September... The house we live in now is also great, and I could actually swing the higher mortgage, but no way would it make sense to refi it from 2.75% to whatever it would be now by taking her off the mortgage... so that doesn't work as a long term thing. I own a vacation home that I could move us into now, and it fits us all, but is 3+ hours away and school would be a cluster... there don't appear to be any reasonably good options for short term (6 months-ish) rentals in our area.
But that's all logistics. I think we will land on something decent. what I want to get right is the parenting stuff, and the emotional stuff for them. I want to avoid disruption in their routines, but their might not be any good way to do that. I guess I need to stress this is going to be tough for awhile, but its temporary. They will be excited if we end up back at the old house at the end of this summer.
Co-habitating post breakup- is the general consensus just not to do this? There is some logic to trying to make this work through the end of the school year, and then just travel or whatever in the summer... but it seems like a real tough way to live for the next few months.
Only you can know what the
Only you can know what the situation is and how tough it is. Understandably, you want to do what is best for everyone, especially the kids, and that involves balancing the emotional considerations with the practical ones. I think many of us have been there. If you feel comfortable, could you share more details about what are the specific challenges? People on here have seen a lot and might offer some suggestions about how to handle them.
When a couple is not getting along, one day can feel endless and intolerable, so months may seem like an eternity. But for me, I would try to keep the kids in the same school until the end of the schoole year to prevent disruption as far as possible. But there could be factors that make moving out urgent. Good luck with everything. I think the early part of a separation is the hardest.
Don't do it.
My XW came up with the cohabitation and keep dating during and after our divorce. Her master plan was that after I moved 3hrs N and would come to town for business several times per month that we could be lovers.
Not only no but hell no. I told her that I had been married to her ad what would possibly make her think that i wanted to hook up during and after the divorce? The whole relationship, a year of dating, a year being engaged, and 2 years of marriage he was riding every swinging Johnson she could accommodate in whatever orifice of hers that was vacant at any given moment. The very thought of being intimate with her was nauseating by that point.
My parents were visiting us when she informed me that she wanted a divorce. When they left she moved to the other side of our house. That only lasted a month or so before my XFIL packed her shit and she and XFIL drove off ot move her in with her geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy. I had a date that evening.
Do yourself a favor, make all of this easiest on you and your children. Take a short term rental until your tenants move out of your house, give them notice now so they have plenty of time to start packing and preparing for their Sept move. You may be able to offset some or all of the short term rental by using your vacation property as a VRBO/Air B&B.
After my XW moved out of our home 4mos before our final divorce hearing, though I did grieve and work through that process, I did it while being kind to myself and fully engaging in living my life instead of the odd model that my then STBXW wanted to follow.
As we walked out of the final divorce hearing after the Judge had issued the divorce decree we walked down the large cicular court house stairs together, I held the door for her, we walked out and to the curb where I stepped off and kept going to my vehicle. She stopped and the curb and reached for my shoulder as I stepped off of the curb. As I kept walking she broke into sobs. The last time I saw my XW is as I drove away. In my rear view mirror she was still standing on the sidewalk crying.
For nearly a year post divorce XW continued to call me to cry, get my input on some drama she was suffering, to share that she was pregnant out of wedlock asking me what she should do, etc... I just got on with living my best life not worrying much about the shit show she was creating for herself.
So, focus on you and your kids.
IMHO of course.
Im in Camp Short Term Rental
While of course I do not know the dynamics between you and Soon to be ex on paper, when the actual realities of divorce start happening, no matter how amicable everyone SEEMS, there is always going to be that shadow of possible ungliness looming.
So, sell and get that divorce final. Short term rental is where I would go. If you cannot do that, perhaps looking into family therapy for you and your kiddos to help them navigate the emotional part is where you should consider going next.
Thank you
We had the discussion last night and it's now working out logistics. What an absolute waste of 5 years she was.
The logistics are really bad... I'm going to try to see if she'll let me stay here through the end of school year... cover her share of costs prepay it or whatever maybe even pay her off a bit if needed. Short term rental options are pretty terrible. Once the school routines go away a lot more viable summer options could work and then a return to our original home in the fall I think is my best case scenario
When my EXH and I decided to
When my EXH and I decided to split, (he cheated.. I said I was done). We were living in CA and the only decent option was for us to sell the home we had just bought a little over a year before and return to our home state. financially, it would have been a massive struggle for me to try and keep the home.. I would have needed to get roomates or something.. I could pay the payment.. but would have had little to nothing left to live on. My DH could not have even done that.
I had left my job back east on good terms.. and they said.. come on back... So, moving back with much lower cost of living made most sense.. my DH was from the back east state.. and had not really thrived in CA anyway... so the move was what we needed to do.. for both of us.
But, we had to sell the house.. and it was several months of living together in the same home.. which oddly became easier once the stress of "relationship" was over.
Maybe it can work like that for you both? Try to create some separation in the home for yourselves and your kids.
As an aside, I might contact your renters and see if there would be any interest in moving earlier than their lease is for..
I've got nothing more than
I've got nothing more than others' good advice. Just wishing you the best of luck with this.