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O/T She got the offer!!!!! ..... and......

Rags's picture

She is balking at taking it.



She is so stressed she is struggling with basic decissioning much less on a career move.

I need to take some deep breaths and figure out how to support her through this new stress.

I knew that the offer would be a double edges sword.  Too good to turn down, but forces her to leave.  Which just drives even more guilt and stress.  An even bigger issue is that the new firm has offered to let her work through Tax season at her current firm.  

Damn it!!!!!  She did not even ask. They just offered.  She needs to go and go now.  Take a month off to find her happy place, then kick off a great new phase of her career.

But... not my call.

Then....  the Cardiologist this AM said they are not worried about her heart. But ordered a full cardio stress test for next month. Which just freaked her out more.  

Docs do not worry me. But then again I have been put through the wringer quarterly for the last 42+ years with exams, tests, etc, etc.....  Information does not bother me. I use it to make decisions.  For DW, at this point, it just adds more stress, anxiety, and guilt about it all.  Just distracting her from working herself to death. Which for some reason seems to be her focus.

I am excited, and frustrated. She will kick ass in the new role at a new firm.


Rags's picture

She got home from her Doc appt and logged in for work... One of her tax preparers quit.

I know my bride. This very well could get her to refuse the offer and stay in this shit storm of  cesspool firm.

Dash 1

SteppedOut's picture

You know what? You say it's not your call but you should have some input? It's your life too? How many months of the year is she super stressed and how does that affect your life and relationship? Seriously? Reach down and grab a handful of manliness or wtfev you like to say. 

It's utterly rediculous for her to stay at punishing firm for less money (this also has an affect on you). I GUARANTEE they do not have nearly as much loyalty to her as she does to them.

Signed: Also an accountant that left a company that worked me 70-80 hours a week for 18 months because... covid, they didn't have the budget for another employee (lies MF I see the budget and funds), no time to hire, blah blah fucking greed. The BS would have continued until I collapsed and they would have just hired another to replace me. I am SO HAPPY I left. Now, I am at a company that appreciates and respects me. No more 70-80hrs - tops 40 during "busy season" and 3 day work weeks for the other 5.5 months, plus a higher salary, better bonus and it's and ESOP. My health is FINALLY returning, physically and mentally. I was FRIED. She is also. Damnit Rags - SAVE HER. 

Rags's picture

Time to grab a handful of man sack and push my stand.

Thanks for the reminder.

Now, how to do that without destroying her and us.

SteppedOut's picture

It wont be destroying you (meaning team), it will be SAVING you. Also, I agree with a below poster about her turning this position into a God complex... they company, nor her clients will fail without her. 

Evil4's picture

You remind me of my DH. He is the one to say to both the kids and I, "use your logic." It gets us out of the emotions-based thinking and out of our heads where our guilt and unwavering loyalty live and all that emotional jazz. It is DH who is the voice of reason and it helps tremendously when DH can guide us into "using our logic," when he wants to encourage us to make better decisions that aren't so self-damaging. It really helps us step out of our emotions and psychological analysis and into sensical, fact-based analysis. I'm sure that with your help, your DW can try a "use your logic" lens instead of an emotional charge lens caused by guilt of not giving undying loyalty.

Is your DW a very loyal person? I'm wondering if she is seeing herself as actually betraying someone, business, employer or whomever if she leaves. Maybe your logic-based analysis can include that your DW is not being disloyal or betraying anyone if she moves on to a healthier situation. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Does she know you have posted about her situation? If so, would it help to tell her all of us think she should take the new job? I know there are times my DH won't listen to me, but if someone else tells him the exact same thing he will listen.

CLove's picture

And she has read the responses.

ESMOD's picture

She really needs to think about what is a priority for her.  and the priority is HER.. not you.. not her (soon to be) former coworkers.. not her hard driving bosses.. not her clients.  None of them will matter if she is 6 feet under..   This is her life.. the one we (depending on your religious beliefs).. only get one of.. no do overs.  

At the end of the day, if her current company needed to cut her position for budgetary reasons.. they would do it.. and sure.. there might be individuals who would have a pang of sympathy for her.. but they would still do it.. because it's business.. not personal.. they are running a business.. and they will shut the doors tomorrow if that is the financially sound thing to do.  They don't care that you have bills. need the insurance.. have people that rely on you.. that it isn't a good time to be laid off..none of that.

Too many of us pledge loyalty to entities that would not give us a 2nd thought if they had to let us go.

So.. even if the new employers are offering her the chance to stay.. her current company may well decide to not take advantage of that.. an employee leaving is a risk.. they are no longer loyal to that company.. or the clients.. the risk of poor performance.. theft.. client bleed is too great.  They may well want her out the door asap so her clients don't go with her.

So, she needs to be prepared for that.. and it's not a reflection of how good of an employee or person she is.. it is that they have a business to protect.. and she is now in the liability column.

She should even be prepared for them to not even accept a 2 week notice.. they may pay her out instead of letting her stay.. so if she needs to get any personal info off her computer.. files.. do it quietly before she gives notice.

So, she needs to take the offer now.. she needs to give a normal 2 week notice and then move on with whatever decision the company makes on letting her work it or leave... she can offer to be "available" to answer questions that may come up but she can take those calls.. or not.  Tell them, I appreciate the experience.. but it's time for me to do somethign new.. no sense in hashing out the complaints and sweat shop issues.. just leave on decent terms.. if she does that.. in the future.. if she needs or wants to go back? (why???lol).. the door is not closed on that possibility.

advice.only2's picture

Ask her why this job in partucular is so much more important than any other job she has ever had?  Why does she feel she owes this group so much of her soul?  I understand being in toxic relationships, but she's gone over the edge into god complex with this job.  

grannyd's picture

I'd love to grab your DW by the shoulders and give her a good shaking! Sorry if I've offended you but the woman's stubbornness begins to verge on a complete lack of common sense. So much so that I begin to suspect an element of her family’s genetics contaminating an otherwise fine mind. 

Poor you! That icon of banging one’s head against a brick wall has never been more apropos than in your current circumstances. The only suggestion I can offer is that you ask your DW what advice she would give you if your situations were reversed.


thinkthrice's picture

I've had 45 yrs experience in the working world.   Thinking that you're Indispensable is a big mistake. 

The fact is no matter how hard you work and what a fantastic  job you do they don't care about you.  If this firm that she works for now merged with a "majority" corporation, they would probably drop her in a heartbeat like yesterday's trash.

Time to watch the movie "Office Space" stat!

ESMOD's picture

Do you think it could also be a little bit of "imposter syndrome?"  Maybe she feels like if she goes somewhere else.. people will figure out the "big fraud" she is.. that she isn't the capable person that they thought they were getting? I'm not saying she isn't capable.. but that she is has that underlying insecurity.. and the fear of being discovered is great.. or it is fear of new unknown

Rags's picture

Lots of tears.  On both sides.

Cray 2

There goes another man card. One of these days I am going to run our of these things. I guess it is time for my charter membership in the he-man don't care club.  Kidding of course.

Thanks for all of the comments, suggestions, etc....

I have shared them all with her. She asks me regularly what you all have said since I first shared your thoughts and comments a couple of weeks ago.  I have never kept STalk a secret from her though as far as I know, she does not visit our community. 

She respects this as my community of choice to visit and participate in.  She is not a SParent so it is not specifically a destination she would seek out.  

She is now fixated on how her failure to take action is hurting me.  Ugh... that is not where my mind went. 

It is hurting her. It is impacting our life, and it is impacting so many who care very much about her and do not understand her self flagilation regarding remaining in such a zero positive environment.

Thanks again for all of your thoughts, suggestions, and support.


TheAccidentalSM's picture

If ready GrannyD's blog about abusive relationships would help your DW to get so perspecitve?  She is in an abusive relationship with her employer, or at least that's how it reads to me.  It takes a change in thinking to get out of these kinds of relationships.  And sadly until the person makes up their own mind that its time to get out, all the rest of us can do is offer a place for them when they do leave.

ESMOD's picture

It seems like she is doing everything to not take personal ownership of this and put her own needs in the top spot.  She wants to blame everyone else for feeling one way or another.. it's the client.. coworkers... that's why she needs to stay.. on the other side.. she now think's that "you" is why she needs to leave.  so she is in a loyalty bind in a way.. feels she can't please anyone.. and it makes her "stuck".. paralyzed and unable to make any decision.. because in the end.. someone is not going to "LIKE" her..and she probably has a hard time with that.

she is quick to worry you are mad at her for not taking the job.. and while you ARE mad at her.. frustrated.. the reason is because you know that her job is bad for HER and you want HER to be happy. (in part because it will make your life better.. by making her life better).  But she worries the clients.. the others will be mad at her for leaving.. she doesn't want to dissapoint anyone.

I don't know what the solution is.. I don't know what the true hang up is for her.. and maybe she can't 100% be honest with herself what it is.

it could be truly that she is afraid she will be disliked by people if she leaves.. that it would be letting people down.


It could be that she is afraid of change.. making the leap and finding out things are just as bad or worse where she is going.. without the comfort of having the history with the company.. which may make her worried that if things blow up.. and she loses that job.. loses the insurance.. where would that leave you both financially? (given you had your own challenges and she sees how things are never 100% certain)

Or... it could be that she actually likes her job enough to want to stay.. that despite the things she complains about.. in the full balance.. she likes the people and work enough to put up with the crap.. and that the interviews and looking around were just to give her some comfort that she did have options.. if she ever wanted to leave... 

I think you may want to try to go back to her with the following message.

"I'm sorry that I may have been pushing you to do something you weren't ready for.  This isn't about me, it's about you and you have to be comfortable with whatever choice you make.  Of course, I love you dearly and it hurts to see you when you are upset about your current situation, but I will understand if you truly feel this is the best option for yourself.  I get it, sometimes we blow off steam and just want to complain... I, personally would have a hard time continuing to work under those conditions as you describe them.  and, in the end, while I appreciate your sense of loyalty, your company and clients would do what was best for them... even if it meant letting you go.. because it is business, not personal.  But, if you don't feel you would be better off with the new opportunities you have had offered to you.. by all means.. keep looking.. or do what you can to make the best of your current situation.  I just want the best for you, and from my seat.. and by other's observation.. it seems that a different company would be better, but only you can make that decision for yourself."


Cover1W's picture

She sounds scared to me - a big change is scary!  At least her current, awful job is a known entity. She'll have to meet new people, get different responsibilities, different work culture, etc. Scary!  BUT if she stays she konws the cost to her health, her mind an you. I get that. But instead of framing it as scary she needs to think of it as a challenge, an opportunity, an exiting thing to do!  And to go where they WANT her.

I decided to leave my job of 12 years 3 years ago - it was becoming a ridiculous situation, the director was going to retire and I knew who would take his place (I didn't agree with that person), and I disliked the management that was recently put into place, the micromagement culture taking over, and just the attitude of the people there. And I am SO HAPPY I DID IT. Yes, it was scary, but 100000X the right choice. If I stayed in fear I would still be there and be miserable. And exhausted at the end of each day. Now not so much!

CLove's picture

Dearest Mrs. Rags,

Please I say this with the best of intentions: please please please do not stay in this abusive relationship with your current employer. I pray and send you good vibes to get unstuck. Do not deflect these emotions towards Rags, he doesnt need to feel guilty for feeling the way he does. Think really hard (dont go towards work for distractions!) about what you are doing. FEEL IT. Do not feel bad for Rags, this is YOUR LIFE. Sure he is affected, he loves you dearly, and through him we have all acquired an affection for you. We have your best interests at heart and the best of intentions (strangers on the net do not have any benefits either way! Bonus!)

So, take some time to figure out where you are stuck. Maybe do some role playing (not the naughty kind, with new job you might have more time for THAT in your future on those fun vacations...!) and practice telling everyone you are prepping to transition to a new place. SAY IT OUT LOUD. Fill your mind with images of what your new life with new employers will look like. Imagine the joy you will feel with your new co-workers.