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Any advice on difficulties with 24 yr old SDaughter with BPD living at home?

Jamison's picture

My wife and I have been married for 16 years, together for 17. She has two daughters, an 18 yr old SDaughter who's on the spectrum and identifies as a male and a 24 year old SDaughter that has a Borderline Personality Disorder. My wife and I have a 15 year old son and he has not been diagnosed with any mental disorders and leads a very normal life for a teenage boy and is a good kid. I'm having such a difficult time with the 24 yr old SD because if anyone reading this knows about BPD, it can be horrific in many ways. I'm at my witts end and I love my wife very much, however I'm questioning divorce just to get away from the negativity from the oldest SD. My son has witnessed so many outbursts from her and I worry for his well being in having to see so much drama in our home. Before I began to have knowledge of BPD, I actually thougtht she might be posessed. I've thought about calling Adult Protective Services to see if they can help my wife and I manage the oldest SD as she is so out of control. We've spent years in and out of therapy, she's been in and out of psychiatric hospitals, self harm, accusing people of sexually assaulting her when they never did, seeks attention in any possible way that she can and just drains the life out of everyone in the house. She refuses to work and is so lazy. Because the oldest SD tests me and pushes me to my limits, my wife no longer allows me to approach the oldest SD to try and resolve an issue, instead I have to report to my wife about my concerns so that she alone can address them with her oldest SD. I'm very old school and was raised in a strict home so I see things and act differently than my wife does so maybe I'm too hard on them, I don't know. I have made great attempts to be peaceful and understanding but it doesn't work. I'm just at the end of my rope and what hurts me the most is that my biological son sees all of this, I'm so unhappy. 

ndc's picture

Are there any plans in place for the 24 year old to move out, or any expectations that she ever will? Is she unable to work and, if so, has she applied for SSDI?  My approach would be different if this was short term, as opposed to a situation your wife will allow to go on forever.

Betterhalf's picture

As I know from experience. My BPD YSS lived with us full time for about 18 months in total as a teen. It was the worst time in my life and in my marriage. We tried to get him help but the mental health system in the US is a shambles, especially for children.  And BPD is basically untreatable anyway. Life was a constant roller coaster of his emotions. If he was having a bad day, he wanted everyone else in the house to feel bad too, so he would make sure of it. Everything was always someone else's fault. Nothing helped. Not therapy, not meds. 

our BS was very young at the time and I flat out refused to expose him to YSS's antics after he turned 18. BS is a teenager now and he remembers none of it, thankfully. Not the numerous police and CPS visits, the inpatient treatment, the holes in the walls, the constant conflict, none of it. 

YSS moved back to BM's state at 18 and I was grateful for the distance.  We ended up paying his rent for years until he was about 25. Thankfully we were in a financial position to do so, and I agreed because I preferred that to a divorce or ever living with YSS again. Once we cut him off financially, his threats of violence (with specifics) made it clear he and I can never have any sort of relationship, which is frankly fine by me.

Your wife is enabling your SD. Would she be willing to make a launch plan for her? Could you contribute $ to her rent if she will move out?  In many ways it's cheaper than divorce. 

The "can't" or "won't" debate between me and my husband was a constant in our house before SS moved out. My husband still thinks he "can't" do certain things. I still think it's that he can but he "won't" but as long as SS doesn't live here I am willing to let it go. 

honestly, this would be my hill to die on. Your BS does not deserve to live in a house of chaos. Good luck to you. 

JRI's picture

We had BPD SD, now 61, living here for 10 hellish months 5 years ago.  Same thing, if she was miserable, let's make everyone miserable.  Add in her lying, theft and manipulation and my health began to suffer.  DH was unable to confront her, seemed to feel pity for her and guilt for his long ago divorce.

I did the numbers and realized we'd always have to supplement her income from disability.  Thank goodness we could afford to do so and we still do.  Its worthwhile a thousand times over.  We separated finances at that time, established a firm amount from which we do not deviate and agreed DH would not charge anything for her ( I check daily).

SD61 is still a BPD pain but she's not here in my face and her impact on my life has lessened.


Rags's picture

If DW balks, tell her that SD goes regardless and if DW does not get on board the best interests of the marriage and son you share, that she needs to go with SD24.

A tough discussion. But necessary IMHO.

Your son needs some peace in the home for his last few years of childhood.  Hopefully, your bride will choose her son and marriage over her toxic failed family daughters.  Particularly the 24yo BPD nightmare.

Good luck.

Harry's picture

Yiu are right. The mental health system sucks. Not like tv. They don't fix anything.  Just put them on drugs, the drugs make them feel bad so they stop taking them. And  around and around you go

Your SD will not be fixed. Your wife will not give up on her kids. That leaves you in a bad place.  Unless you can get SD out of the home. Some half way place instructional care something.

BanksiaRose's picture

It's incurable, there's no medication for it, and it's characterised by vindictiveness, people splitting (professionals and family/friends), black and white thinking and roller coaster relationships, swinging from initial idolising to pure hatred. Once you're kicked off that pedestal for doing something human (you forgot something, you canceled a plan due to sickness), you're the scum of the earth, and the BPDs will go to great lengths to anihilate you. That, can, in fact, become their full time hobby. They'll make up allegations, will continuously make false reports against  you, run smear campaigns, recruit unsuspecting others playing a victim. It won't be easy to extricate yourself from this, but that's the only thing you can do to preserve your marriage and your sanity. 

Rags's picture

Which is exactly why their complete and total destruction is the only viable response. No matter how long it takes, no matter how much it costs, and no matter how destroyed they may be when they have been put through life's wood chipper for their BPD crap.

Their may be no cure or treatment for BPD, but their is a cure for those whose lives are polluted by the one with BPD.  Total destruction, isolation, and separation.  As heartbreaking as that may be for those who care about the BPDd toxic individual.

Even with a legitimately Dx'd BPD condition, their behaviors are entirely and completely their choice.  BPD does not forgive their choices nor does it mean those choices are tolerated without a response delivering complete and total abject misery.  They can try to be what they are while slinging their carboard 'I'm starving" cardboard sign while freezing in their carboard refrigerator box that the homeless camp under the highway overpass.

Offer them a hand with the club clearly in view in your other hand. Deliver the message with whichever hand their behavioral choice warrants.  All while speaking with them while at the stop light near their refrigerator box home.  Do not tolerate them in your home, life, or family.  They are not worth the misery their crap causes everyone else.

So make sure they suffer the full consequences of their behavioral choices.

Lather.... rinse... repeat.

The only option, IMHO, is to be far more commited to their destruction than they are to yours. With zero consideration for thier Dx.

IMHO of course.