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Step parent on school contact/pickup list

Picardy III's picture

Wondering who here is listed as an authorized school contact/pickup for your step kids? Do you find it appropriate for a stepparent to be on the list?

DH and BM are in the same school district, 50/50 custody, so they informally switch off registering the SKs. DH always lists me as a third authorized contact at registration. I don't think BM has ever actively removed me from the list, but she pointedly lists only her mother (who is elderly and doesn't live in the area) as a third contact when she completes registration.

Re: pickups, contact lists are pretty meaningless with teenage kids with their own cell phones, especially in Covid times. But still, in my mind, *eyeroll* to a petty power play, as I'm obviously assisting with schlepping kids around. 

Some may disagree though: SPs as school contacts is overstepping or asking for trouble. Thoughts?


tog redux's picture

I used to pick up SS from school here and there, but I didn't need to be on a list, he just came out and got in my car.  I think it's fine for a SP to be the third contact, but clearly BM doesn't agree. Smile

Picardy III's picture

Though she certainly doesn't disagree in principle with me picking her kids up, when it gets her off the hook :). 

Jcksjj's picture

I am. I pick SD up from school on the weeks she's at our house. Anyone the parents want can be listed as allowed to pick up the kids - for some its a babysitter, for example. 

As far as a contact, I think I'm 3rd on the list for it because I'm home during the day and we live close to the school, but I have zero interest in being contacted regarding her unless its an emergency.

Dogmom1321's picture

I teach school at the same elementary school SD attended. BM was so pissed I worked there that she tried to get me fired as a "conflict of interest." Even though I had been there for 10 years. Needless to say, BM antics didn't work, and the prinicpal and all of SD teachers referred to her as "crazy." The amount of pettiness is unreal. 

Fast forward to SD being in another school for middle, I try to be as least involved as possible. DH handles school communication now. 

Picardy III's picture

Oof! That's an impressive level of crazy. Thankfully it was blatant enough that your job wasn't at risk.

Yeah, I don't communicate with the school. Receiving communications, yes - it does affect my life and schedule. But reaching out to the school myself would lead to reaping the BM whirlwind.

ndc's picture

DH, BM and I are listed as emergency contacts with school, and DH, me, BM, BM's hubby, BM's mother and BM's sister are authorized to pick up.  BM's husband didn't want to be listed as an emergency contact, but neither DH nor BM had any issue with a SP being included. BM and I are both SAHMs, but DH and I live closer to the school (Bm is in our town but a different school district) so in a real emergency I could get there fastest.

notarelative's picture

For some reason people confuse being on the pickup list with school communication. The school isn't going to communicate beyond 'child is sick and needs to go home' to an emergency contact. If the school has an after school pickup list, the non parent pickup gets a wave or a 'have a nice afternoon' when the child is picked up. Putting someone on the emergency contact (aka go home sick) list who lives too far to pick up is silly.

Schools don't care if it is the parent, a step parent, or a neighbor on the emergency (aka go home sick list) as long as someone picks up the sick child. In an actual emergency they have the child transported to the hospital and call a parent to meet the child there. 

Picardy III's picture

I think I confused emergency contact with school pickup, yes. It's the emergency contact list in question, then. Doubt high schools - or even middle schools - are too concerned about daily pickup.

My YSS was sick at school once last year, but the office couldn't let me pick him up (both DH and BM were unavailable). Grandma in her 70s across the state could, though! He just waited out the school day in the nurse's office.

ndc's picture

Can't your DH add you as an authorized contact even if BM didn't list you initially? It seems silly to omit from the list the person who does the schlepping of the skids  half the time. Why shouldn't DH designate the SP to pick up in his stead during his time?

Picardy III's picture

He does and has. Not sure what happened in the YSS case (it was near the end of the school year) -  maybe DH missed adding me, or maybe BM did contact the school to take me off after he added me. 
School offices must hate dealing with high-conflict divorced families (and ours isn't that bad).

Rags's picture

I did everything regarding parenting SS including school pick up and drop off, pick up and drop off for flights when he flew as an I accompanied minor, Doc appointments, etc.....

I was never on a list.  Had it been required, I would have been on the list.

It may be a man thing Vs a woman thing but I have always been baffled by Sparents who do not participate in the regular parenting activities of kids who reside in their home.  

As for visiting Skids.... though that is not something I ever experienced I would like to think that my participation level would be directly proportional to their behavior and my SO's parenting during visitation time in our home.  The caveat being that crappy visitation Skid behavior and crappy SO parenting would get a whole lot of very unpleasant participation from me where appropriate Skid and parenting  behavior would get a reasonable level of pleasant participation from me.

NotThatTypical's picture

I'm on the list and I'm not even legally the stepmom. I'm sure BM has everyone under the sun on it for her and that's fine. 

That list isn't anything but who can pick up the kid. Why shouldn't you if you in any way take care of the child? I regularly pick up the kids for my partner on his days.