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Oh the manipulation and coddling

TrueNorth77's picture

When SD13 got in trouble last Monday, she said the magical words that now have DH coddling her and refusing to tell her no. She told DH "I know you don't love me". *eyeroll*. Her reasons are "he never goes up to her bedroom to talk to her, and never asks her to play board games, she always has to ask him". I told her that she is 13- when we were her age we were in our rooms and parents didn't come to sit and talk and ask to play games. I mean for real. We had our own lives! This is all Crazy talking anyway, telling SD DH is a terrible parent because he doesn't do these things. SD knows damn well DH loves her, but it's a great attention-seeking statement to say he doesn't. 

Well as the week went on, I have watched DH play game after game with SD every time she asks- (daily). He played a fricking Hatchimals game with her because "SD wanted to". She's 13- this is a game for young kids, she got it when she was 7 or 8.  She sat in his spot on the couch and he didn't make her move (he always makes them move). She asked if Crazy could pick her up from our house (which DH and I have agreed we don't want- SS16 can drive them to her house) and DH told her yes, even though SS was driving past Crazy's house 20 mins before Crazy was picking SD up so it was completely unnecessary. This caused an argument with DH and I. 

Yesterday my whole family was over, we have a garage with a bar and have it all set up with a fire pit/table, cornhole, tv with sports on, etc. SD played cornhole and then when everyone was standing at the bar, sat at a couch in the back alone. DH saw and immediately went over to sit with her, away from everyone, rather than saying "hey come over by everyone". He always does this at gatherings. SD sits away from everyone, and he goes to her (which means leaving me at his family gatherings) rather than telling her to come by everyone else.  

DH had his pissy pants on for a bit yesterday and went into the house to watch the basketball game so he could hear, and I look in and within seconds of him being in there, SD had asked him to play a game. So they sat in the living room away from everyone else playing a game because DH just can't tell her no, or that maybe it's not the time because we have guests. 

When I was her age I was nothing like this, and it absolutely drives me nuts that she expects DH to be her entertainment, doesn't hang out with friends, and DH is going along with it 100% and coddling her even more. She has learned that if she says he doesn't love her, she gets all the attention. I wanted to scream yesterday. 


Winterglow's picture

I hope you demolished him for being so damn RUDE to your family. Spell it out for him that a good host tries to make everyone at ease and in this case that would involve drawing his daughter to participate and NOT stunning your family as if they had the plague! 

If his daughter cannot be civil with your guests she can go and sit in her room while they are there but he, as the host, is expected to be present. 

He needs to teach his offspring some basic manners so that she can at least seem normal to other people. 

PS - is he such a gullible mug that he doesn't see how much he's being manipulated? 

TrueNorth77's picture

So we had gotten Into a small argument when DH had his pissy pants on about the basketball game, which is why he went into the living room for a bit to watch the game. I did go in and tell him he was being rude and if I did this at his family gatherings he would be livid at me. I said it's ridiculous that he can't be civil on Christmas (and he likes my family!). I didn't bring up him playing a game with SD because that would have escalated this into an all-night, full-blown fight that would ruin Christmas. He gets all defensive and says I always make comments about him playing games with SD. I don't- only occasionally when it's ridiculous and he drops everything to do it. But it always starts a fight so I'm trying to disengage. So I kept it to the point this time - him being in the living room was rude, I go to all of his family gatherings and participate-  so he can do the same. 

He did come back into the garage then and sat at the bar all cranky, so my family teased him and called him pissy-pants. lol. Eventually he calmed down and came over by us all with a clear attitude change and was back to joking and having fun, and it was fine. On the one hand I'm proud for resisting the urge to bring up the SD thing and just stick to his own actions being the issue, but I'm afraid I'm going to cave yet and say something.

TrueNorth77's picture

SO effin hard. Lol

Elea's picture

When SDiablas were teens I dealt with the exact same dynamic, espeically with YSD. She had no friends and had been taught by BM that DH's only function is to 1. Shell out the $$$ to BM and 2. provide non-stop childcare, entertainment and enrichment ... YSD had NO life. Even tho BM was a SAH BUM she loaded all the childcare duties on to DH the moment he walked in the door from work. They all acted like it was normal.

A recent example was OSD got all worked up and cried at DH's family member's WEDDING because she didn't like the family member having a wedding during covid. Yet OSD still came to the wedding. WHY??? The familly was very kind to OSD trying to ask what's wrong and how to help? The silver lining is at least our family got to see how OSD can make ANYTHING all about her. She's even selfish enough to take the attention off of the BRIDE with her drama. To add insult to injury the family took every precaution possible to make the wedding as safe as possible. The entire event was outdoors and the guest list was narrowed to only the closest friends and family. That apparently wasn't good enough for wedding crasher, power sulk SDiabla. 

I highly recommend boarding school and out-of-state college.

TrueNorth77's picture

Girl I preach about out of state college. Lol. Both Skids are on board so far. I absolutely hate that it's being taught that parents should coddle, and DH even complains about Crazy doing it, but then does this crap himself. It's so hard to stay quiet.

CLove's picture

Yup, SD16 Power Sulk. Tell her no, or disagree with her or tell her to help with something and she starts the pouting marathon. And poor princess is so golden she gets an 800 iphone for christmas. Oh its only 38$ per month...yeah whatever. Is that plus insurance...I dont even ask because unless he brings it up its a big argument "well thats my kid..."

Sure...whatever. Just dont mention it to me if she wrecks it. My mother even agrees that too much. Husband just shrugs and sais that he is done with shopping for her, and this will give mileage for a while. Meaning he doesnt have to buy anything else for a while.

TrueNorth77's picture

I think it's too much too. Even my Coddling DH made SS16 pay for his own phone (just the phone, not the service).  

Cover1W's picture

Yes, I've experienced the same thing, or very similar. Still do. DH asked me last week if we should invite YSD to trivia night with us. No! He asks this every time, and sometimes asks her. Here's why not:

It's our night out alone DH!

It's strangers ! YSDalmost17 hates strangers.

There's alcohoooool being served.

She won't eat food prepared by restaurants or cafes.

She doesn't know trivia at all because she doesn't read, doesn't know anything about history or pop culture.

Covid! (This was before DH got it)

She'd be miserable.

And the games! I opt out as much as possible. DH finally this year didn't get any!

TrueNorth77's picture

This is a clear no. I mean, I guess invite her if you don't want to have fun. This doesn't seem like something a 16yr old would be invited to. She won't eat food prepared in restaurants?? That's my favorite food! We sometimes go to this brewery in town that serves food. DH and I were going and he was like, I should invite SD. Why? We would sit at the bar and she would be bored. She was fine on her own for a few hours. We went to the brewery and our friends were there, but DH couldn't resist and text her to come. So she did. And had a bowl of soup because she wasn't even hungry. And then he sat there talking to SD instead of me and our friends. I was super annoyed. She didn't need to come to that. 

Rose_Pedal's picture

I could have wrote this.

How long have you been in the picture and what was the dynamic between them when you first met? Just curious, because I have been with my fiancé for almost 3 years now and when I first met him his daughter was 8 (now 11) and there was some DEEP co-dependency issues. Like, she still slept in his bed everynight, he was still bathing her, etc.

My fiancé still coddles her to no end and I have to constantly keep him in check but she tests him and it's like I'm the only one that sees it because his entire family have treated her like the sun shines out of her a**hole and definitely favor her out of all the grandkids. She can "do no wrong."
One time she had a friend with her and we were out shopping; she asked her dad if he would buy something for her and her friend (of course he says yes- always) and she didn't realize I could hear her and she turns to her friend in a low voice and says "I told you he would say yes- I can ALWAYS get him to say yes."

My blood was boiling.

I see her manipulate him all the time (but she seems so sweet and innocent on the surface.) I don't buy it- at all. I've pointed it out and I'm aways just the bad guy that doesn't want to "let her be a kid." *eyeroll*

Like, no, I just don't want her to be a spoiled little manipulative brat that doesn't know how to do anything for herself when she grows up.

She recently started acting out with big shock factor stunts for attention- trying to act much older than she is and as soon as he confronted her (I was listening at the bottom of the stairs) she starts bawling her eyes out and shuts down and he gets all soft with her and there's no discipline for her actions and he just coddles her and tells her how much he loves her, blah blah blah. It has made me resent her and not want to be around her. She's very annoying and does not have any concept of personal space. She causes me so much frustration and I hate the dynamic between her and my fiancé.

Also- is your DH a people pleaser or is he only like this with her?


I'm so sorry you're going through this. I completely understand the frustration you're dealing with! I go through this everyday and it is so hard. 

TrueNorth77's picture

She said she can always get him to say yes?? Gah! These men. 

I have been around almost 7yrs- since SD was 6. He hadn't been split up with Crazy for that long- maybe 6-8 months? SD took to me right away, but she was pretty clingy. She would rub DH's head (even years later), and always have to be in the middle of our hugs. I somewhat-gently put an end to that. So I didn't really interfere in much- and my presence hasn't seemed to make her resentful, but she knows she can get further with him when I'm not around. She also knows that I can talk him down when he's being unreasonable about things related to her. 
DH likes to do things for people, but he's really only a skid-pleaser. He wants to be their favorite parent. Sometimes he won't tell them no, others he's not afraid to give them hell. SD has made suicidal statements and now this whole "dad doesn't love me" thing, plus constantly asking him to play games with her, has him feeling like he needs to do what she wants. It's getting old real fast. I have never thought of her as a manipulator, but she's definitely playing him here. It sounds like my DH stands his ground more than your fiancé, so I feel for you. 

I completely get the resentment. It's awful. I just count down the days on my countdown app til they both go to

Rose_Pedal's picture

Oh wow!

It definitely sounds like we have pretty similar situations. I definitely could see my SD pulling the same stunts like yours in a few years. She already started with some recently like last year when she was 10 years old texting her dad and her mom saying that she's bisexual. I know she is not, I know she's only saying it for attention and because it's a fad at school and she's a big time follower with no mind of her own-easily influenced.

Another one of the recent stunts is that she started texting a "boy" from another state she met on Roblox online and we even found out she told him where she lived and sent him pictures of herself in her bikini and I saw the photos in her deleted folder and they were totally sexual in nature.

She also does the "play games with me 24/7" and my fiancé never says no, but to be fair I'm usually involved and we'll do board games which we all play at the dinner table every night. Either way, both our SD's are doing it to make sure they have all the attention 24/7 and that's tough.

I certainly won't be surprised if this leads to more dramatic behavior like a suicidal statements or something like your SD is doing. I have been begging my fiancé to get her into counseling and he dances around it and goes back and forth blaming mom as the reason it hasn't happened yet because she's on her insurance. *sigh*

I know I may not have advice but I certainly have sympathy for what you're going though and I'm always here to listen to you vent! I hope that this gets better for you!


TrueNorth77's picture

Definitely dealing with similar teen antics- I bet it's only a matter of time before your SD starts talking about suicide or cutting- I swear they ALL do it. I really think they want to have "issues" and a "hard life" to talk to their friends about so they can fit in. SD talked about cutting too- we took the suicide talk seriously and got her therapy, but I was exasperated with the cutting talk. 1. SD hates pain and I know her. She is not a cutter. 2. She did it ONE TIME and then downloaded an app that tracks how long it's been since you self-harmed last, and she told us it had been 30 days. Since she cut herself the ONE TIME. Even DH was like, ok, you downloaded an app? This just seems like you're doing it for attention and to say you cut yourself. And her reason? She met a boy from another state ONCE and was so in love with this kid that she wanted to kill herself and cut when he stopped talking to her. Not a good sign of how she is going to handle life obstacles. 

It is literally nonstop BS with her, and if she dials it back for a second, SS16 picks up the slack and causes issues.  There are days I just want to scream at SD to stop alienating her friends and go DO something, rather than rely on DH for all your entertainment! I do sometimes play games with them also, but I have no Interest in playing every day, and I know DH doesn't either, he just can't tell her no.

I reallly how things change next year in high school. I can't take this for 4-1/2 more years! Feel free to vent any time also, I feel your pain...

dragonfly878's picture

It's almost too bad you didn't call them out publically in front of your family... something sarcastic- would he be a little bully-bitch in front of your people? I love that your family razzed him... pissy pants and piss pants JR.