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DH lost his sh*t

TrueNorth77's picture

Skids come today (notice how they are not even here yet?) and sh*t has already hit the fan. It's simply exhausting- every Monday they come, it's some new fresh hell. 

Today, I got home from a massage, relaxed and excited to tell DH about some news I had- we are purchasing a home overseas (very reasonably priced- we are not rich by any means) and I had talked to the realtor for the first time while I was out and got a ton of info, plus he sent me a link with videos to our favorite home so far. I got as far as telling DH that I had the phone call and the realtor sent an email- DH opened his email to look, and lo and behold, the first thing he sees is an email from SD13's school. Before I even knew what was happening, DH yelled all kinds of obscenities and was PISSED. The teacher said SD was talking to kids in the hallway and a teacher heard SD's voice above everyone's, talking very loudly, and she said the B word and F word. The teacher called SD into her classroom, asked what she was talking about- SD wouldn't elaborate. So they are putting it as a minor incident in her file. This is the 3RD email he's gotten from the school regarding incidents SD was a participant in in the past few months. 

DH immediately text SD that she is losing her phone until Friday and there will be additional consequences. He was sitting there fuming, just repeating, "I don't even know what to do with her...I don't even know what to say to her". He then went up to her room, searched her room again for knives or sharp objects (she has been talking about suicide since summer- yes she is in counseling) and then took every electronic she has- the ipad that I gave her that she doesn't even use, old phone, TV remote and cord. He said he was tempted to take the door off her room. He is on 2nd shift this week, which he's not happy about now that this is happening, but the second she gets home she is supposed to call him. 

DH was so mad and at his wits end that we never did get to discuss all of my news before he left for work. *Why this is a big deal: You don't usually just say "b*tch" casually - you are usually calling someone it, which isn't ok. It's not just swearing. She wasn't just saying it- the school said she was practically yelling these things in the hallway. Again, this is the 3RD email DH has gotten from the school- SD keeps getting in trouble for things. Last time she bent a kids finger back until he screamed. Her punishments are increasing the more times DH gets emails from school. 

What's crazy is she is on high honor roll, and honestly she's not a bad kid, we just cannot figure out wtf she is doing with her behavior at school or what to do about it. 

What I do know, is they manage to ruin everything. We had a glorious weekend, but those days are gone and here we are in skid hell. 


Harry's picture

Is unstable,   Wonder wear she got that from.   Hint.  BF her BF.  BF is unstable , acting this way, not the normal reaction.

Today taking away a phone, iPad is worst then death. For a teenager.  No tick tock, No texting friends, No game playing.    Now will he actually keep her phone for the required length of time or will she get it back before the weekend ?  
Yes, glorious, Adult fun weekends are the thing of the past.  You don't get those things when your BF has kids.  
It's only going to get worst when SD realize you are going to replace her as queen of the home, or have a us baby that makes SD  place in the family at the bottom.   Baby's will get all the attention.  You better start checking your running shoes,,  keep them is great shape, you never know when you need them. 

TrueNorth77's picture

Definitely no us baby!!! DH is fixed, which was one of my favorite things about him. lol. I've been here for 7yrs so if she hasn't figured out I'm around to stay, then she's not super quick. She has accepted my place and I think she's mostly glad I'm around? 

DH took her phone for 2 days last time, so this is definitely a harsher punishement. But, this is the 3rd time he's gotten an email from the school in the past 3 months and I honestly don't blame him for being upset. He wants her to be ok but he also doesn't know how to keep her on track, and I'm glad he's not letting her just get away with it like Crazy, who will probably call the school and blame another kid or blame the teacher for sending an email....never holding SD accountable.  

Rags's picture

SD earned it. And not in a good way. But even dipshit children learn from the accountability focused structure.

i certainly did.

TrueNorth77's picture

I'm laughing because everyone else here is like "DH over-reacted", and you are all "put that kid in military school"!  *biggrin*

I don't think she's a bad kid or we're anywhere near there yet, but we shouldn't be getting 3 emails in 3 months. 

Rags's picture

Only a very small % of kids who go to Military School are disciplinary problems.  For most it is either a family tradition, there is some influencing reason, etc..

In our (my family) case, we were all raised over seas at a time when school for Expat kids ended in 9th grade.  All of the kids either went to boarding school, went to live with extended family for HS, or the family moved back to their home country and the parents changed jobs.

My dad went, I went, and my younger brother went.  We all went to the same school and in the interest of full disclosure, we all three needed th structure.  My GPs pulled my dad out of his international boarding school and dropped him off at Military School after he repeatedly would sneek out of his dorm room and go to late night movies regularly. He was never in trouble, had great grades, he just was far more independent than a 13yo could be allowed to be.  In my case, my first sophomore year of HS was too much fun. So, my second sophomore year and the rest of HS I went to the same school dad graduated from. My younger brother went under similar circumstances to mine.  We all graduated as honors graduates and ended up being reasonably successful professionals, etc..

My SS also attended Military School.  Under very similar circumstances to mine.  Our school had closed by the time it was time for my SS to attend so he attended another Military School.  His thing was significant underperformance to his potential.  He figured out that he could not be held back unless he failed the same two classed two grading periods in a row. So... straight 'A's the firs t6 weeks of each semester, straight 'F's the second 6 weeks.  Since his HS had block scheduling they had completely different classes the second semester so.. .all he had to do was pass the first 6 weeks then he could do whatever he wanted the second six weeks. He usually would read a novel in class or work on his book manuscript.  It drove his teachers insane.  He was always well behaved and polite.  He was their star pupil the first 6 weeks, then... he checked out.  He was top of his class in Military School his Jr. year, an award winning athelete, a regularly awarded and promototed leader in ROTC and the Corps of Cadets.  His Sr year his Spermidiot hacked the school fire wall and they would stay up all night playing WoW. That made his Sr year a whole different story. That story is for another time.  Ultimately SS-30 graduated HS on time and with honors and is doing well in his USAF career.

We all benefited from the accountability based structured environment.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

The school contacted DH because she was swearing in the hall? I can see where you don't want a 13 year old swearing, but I'm surprised this caused the school to contact a parent. And honestly, his response seems a little over the top. If she is on the honor role, she has to be doing something right in school.

I am not trying to minimize the effect of all of this has on you. I would be upset at not being able to give good news because of another issue with a stepkid.

TrueNorth77's picture

Yes, this is just one of many times where messages from/regarding skids have just completely tanked the day or moment. 

I don't think the school just goes around contacting parents when they hear kids swear, it sounds like SD was practically yelling it down the hall, and we are not sure if she was actually saying it in regards to another kid, which would make sense (why else would you say b*tch?). SD won't tell DH what she was saying. It's one thing to swear, it's another thing to be saying it so loudly in a hallway that a teacher in another room can hear, and especially if it was talking about another kid.  

barbKarin's picture

What is the b and f word? Is it just the normal swear words? The school's and your husband's reaction seem over the top if its just regular swear words.

I'm sorry your post massage happiness was ruined though.

Elea's picture

Every other word that kids use around here are the b & f word. I find it distasteful and think that it is too bad respectful language seems to be a bygone era but times change. I don't understand grounding her for a week over a couple of curse words. Seems over the top and not a reason to tamp down your day. I kinda feel sorry for your SD.  Would he be as mad if SD was a boy? Maybe your DH thinks girls shouldn't curse? Maybe he would be mad either way, just trying to understand what's the big deal? 

TrueNorth77's picture

DH is not super strict, but neither skid is allowed to swear....and this is the 3rd time he has gotten an email from the school in 3 months on our time about SD being in trouble- hence the week-long grounding this time (really only M-Friday morning, so 4 nights). It sounds like SD was practically yelling it down the hall, which is why the teacher addressed it this way- I doubt if anyone had just overheard a kid swear normally they would have made this big of a deal out of it. Also, usually when you are saying b*tch, you are calling someone that- which is not ok. But SD has been creating drama at school and there have been lots of incidents, and this one got a minor incident in put in her file. Her response to every incident is very "it's not my fault, everyone does it", taking zero responsibility. Even when she bent a kids finger back so far she is lucky she didn't break it. He's trying to get her to understand she needs to tone down her actions at school or she will be punished at home.   

Elea's picture

Ah, ok, 3rd time in trouble and maybe calling someone the b word makes sense as far as grounding her. She sounds like a real gem. Sorry to hear it ruined what should have been an enjoyable moment of dreaming and planning for a new home. 

Livingoutloud's picture

I find it funny that dad's reaction to learning that SD was cussing was yelling "all kind of obscenities". Dad seems to be out of control with his reactions. If he believes profanity is such grave offense, why's he using it? Not a good role model. 

TrueNorth77's picture

Wait- so when you tell kids they can't swear, that means you don't either? This is the perfect example of "do as I say, not as I do" and why skids aren't allowed to swear- they don't know the appropriate time to use it. When she is old enough she can swear all she wants, but clearly she doesn't know that yelling it in a hallway isn't the appropriate time. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Maybe it is because I was raised by Army, my kids dad is AF, DH is Navy and I work in the construction industry. My kids cuss. They always have. They understand that there is a time and place and not to do it in class, but just because the teacher overheard a conversation with her and her peers where she used cuss words... I wouldn't even be mad at that. It's expression. 

I think the most I would even say about it is watch what you say and who you say it around. Be respectful of school rules and if the rules say no swearing, don't do it at school. 

I think a week of no electronics is overkill for sure, he isn't even going to be around to deal with the fallout of HIS punishment. He needs a different plan. 

TrueNorth77's picture

I get what you are saying- however, there are few times when you would use the word b*tch when you aren't calling someone else that. Which is definitely not ok, especially for a 13yr old, and not just like saying other swear words. Skids here aren't allowed to swear, and from the email it sounds like they were mostly emailing because she wasn't just casually swearing, she was practically yelling it in the hall. 

If this hadn't been the 3rd email DH has gotten from the school in 3 months, he wouldn't have been this upset. But it's definitely a pattern now and he's pretty sick of getting these emails. So her punishment escalated (last time it was 2 days with no phone, but that incident was even more sever than this). DH said "the whole week", but skids go by Crazy Friday morning so it's only 4 nights, not an actual week. 

Cover1W's picture

1. You are living our dream of an overseas home. Even a small apartment. We are planning something similar for ourselves in the next couple years! Congrats!

2. My OSD was straight A as well. But a complete b*tch. She was a bully. She didn't get into trouble with the school but there were incidents. She was just smart enough to not alert the school staff, or portrayed herself as the victim.

I believe there's more to it than just swearing. She was likely also disrupting classes or bullying someone. Those are school reprimands. I think your husband is correct. Those devices need to go for a specific time period and need to be checked.

TrueNorth77's picture

We are so excited, I never would have thought this would be something we could do- but I also never realized how reasonable it is! Interested to see if you have a destination in mind or if you're still deciding. It's fun to think about and plan!

Honestly, DH's reaction was intense, but this was just part of the big picture so it makes more sense to me I guess than it does in a post- 3 emails from school, plus her up and down attitude with me and even him, and seeing behavior traits that are similar to Crazy's, issues with friends... It's ALWAYS something, so it wasn't just that she swore, it was, is she calling kids b*tches? and here is now ANOTHER thing to add onto the pile. Some of it is just teen stuff, but getting in trouble at school needs to stop. 

bananaseedo's picture

I kind of agree with others, I get that this is the 3rd email but still,  complete overreaction and yes, that is emotional immaturity.  Not saying it's right, but yeah, sometimes 13yr old call others b*tches.... I think it's good to correct it, but you both seem to be blowing this way out of proportion. 

And then your good news were ruined...which btw sounds absolutely lovely! 

ndc's picture

I suspect that the school was not contacting your DH solely because SD said a couple naughty words.  They were likely contacting him because she was out of control in the school hallway.  Dropping the F and B words in casual conversation with peers is normal at that age and most teachers wouldn't even react. Screaming them in the school hallway is absolutely not normal and is indicative of other problems.  They also might have thought there was a threat involved, but didn't know for sure because SD wouldn't tell them what was going on.  When you combine it with the other incidents (especially the finger bending incident), it's natural for the school to be concerned that this kid is going off the rails and to contact the parents.   It's also normal for your husband to be upset about it. 

While I think punishing her is fine, this may be something you're not going to punish out of her because there may be bigger issues at play.  You said she's in counseling - if I was her parent I'd make the counselor aware of these school issues.  If nothing else, maybe they can give SD better coping strategies than screaming in the halls at school. 

I'm sorry your good mood and good day were ruined by a skid.

TrueNorth77's picture

ndc, this is really it in a nutshell. While there are many ways I'm sure it could have been handled by DH, and obviously many people wouldn't have been as harsh as he was, DH is the dad who never wants to punish a skid or enforce a punishment- see previous blogs for evidence of that. So this wasn't just this one incident that got to him, it's an increasing trend of bad behavior at school, and he's really frustrated by it and her behavior in general (including toward me lately). The email made it seem that it wasn't quite as innocent as her just saying a few swear words in the hallway- teachers aren't sending emails every time they hear a kid swear. The fact that what she was doing warranted an email means her behavior was out of line. I guarantee you if he had just talked to her, she would change nothing. She almost never gets punished- she will be fine without her phone for 4 days...DH is already letting her have her TV back tomorrow. And the good part is, I talked to her also about this- I called her out on her behavior and when she tried to play the victim I reminded her about taking responsibility for her actions. She ended up spending half the night chatting my ear off and wrapping presents, and when it was her bedtime she came up and gave me a hug and kiss on the head (which has NOT been happening lately). I step-mommed so hard last night!  *lol*

I think it's a good idea to bring it up to the therapist- I will mention that to DH. Thank you for the suggestion and understanding!  *give_rose*

notsobad's picture

Obviously there is a lot more going on with SD. Sounds like maybe she's a bully? or she's trying to impress someone? The school incidents along with the suicidal thoughts (which is huge! I'm glad to hear there is counseling) show that something needs to be done and it sounds like DH is doing it.

The crappy part for you and all of us in steplife is how our lives are shot off course in a matter of seconds because of something/someone we had no part in creating!

Yes, life sends us curve balls and we have to deal with them. It's just that so many of our curve balls come from this one predictable source that can see coming and could even avoid if only someone would listen to us!!

I'm sorry your fun news was ruined.

I hope you and DH get to sit down and discuss your new place and enjoy the excitement of creating a new space that you can both enjoy.

TrueNorth77's picture

That is exactly what skids are half the time. Our lives are shot off course because of them, just as you said, and many times DH and I are in the midst of some fun outing when we get some bombshell dropped on us via text/email, or we are starting off a skid week and right away on Monday there is drama, which sets the tone for the week. And we just have to sit and take it all in stride. 

SD is absolutely trying to impress people. I've seen videos she's taken at school where she is the loudest one, going over-the-top, and just being "on", which isn't how she is otherwise at all. We've talked to her about it and told her it's not necessary and to just be herself, but clearly that didn't sink in. I think it's actually alienating people. I feel bad for her in a way because she's trying to find her way and in the process trying too hard, but she also doesn't take advice, so we can only do so much.

We will make up for the interruption and get excited again- most likely once skids leave. lol

At least we get a day off when skids go by Crazy on Christmas Eve.