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Finally went for counseling...and I'm not completely crazy :)

jojo68's picture

I finally broke down and went to see the counselor....mostly about my feelings about BF daughter and why I am having such a hard time loving her and why I am happier when she is not around for the most part. I told her I feel terribly guilty for the way I feel and that sometimes I wonder if it is me that is jealous of my BF child. I told her everything...the whole background and that I had had a relationship with my stepdaughter from a previous marriage that was great. Here are some things that she told me that might help some of you all with the same issues I have.

On the issue of BF 10 yr old daughter constant clinginess and physical relationship with her father and how it totally creeps me out sometimes:

She asked me how often she did these things (sitting in her fathers lap, constantly holding his hand, wanting to lay on him, ect.)I told her it was on a daily basis and the sitting on the lap was for long periods of time. Counselor said that it is normal for a child at this age to BRIEFLY cuddle or sit on laps, peck on the cheek, ect.. but that BF daughter's behavior is inappropriate for her age and that unless would continue. She also told me that a children often use physical or clingy behavior to attempt to manipulate a parent if they see that it has worked in the past. She also held concern that BF daughter lack of boundaries and unusual relationship with her father would play a big role in her future relationships.

On the issue of my confusion of my role in the home:

Counselor said that lack of discipline, boundaries and recognition of the roles in the household play a big part in why I feel the way I do. She feels my discontent is due to the fact that literally I am under the thumb of BF daughter and I feel I have zero control. It isn't my lack of compassion or that I am jealous but more that I don't know who I am in this home. It is difficult to relate to a person that doesn't have any respect for you and has more of the role in the home that I feel I am supposed to have.

Counselor said my insecurities play an important role in this as well as they are fed off of by both BF daughter and him as well. She is right again. If I would grow a pair every once in while I might get heard and earn some respect.

So to summarize: My fault in this is to not voice my opinions once in while and by being doormat when I know it isn't right just because I am so insecure that I am scared to make anybody mad for fear they won't love me anymore.
BF fault for being so insecured that he is afraid to discipline his daughter and give her boundaries because he is afraid she'll get mad and not love him anymore and want to go live with her mother.

I think this counselor chick has it pegged Smile


skylarksms's picture

Good for you to go to counseling. My counselor really opened up my eyes in my situation. In mine, it is not the skids that are the problem, it's their parents! And most notably, my H.

Since then, I have quit caring so much. What I mean is I will now say exactly what is on my mind. Mainly because I felt I didn't have much of a relationship to lose. The unexpected side effect of this is that my H is treating me better than he has for a long time!

So, keep on letting your BF know EXACTLY how you feel! MAKE him show you respect.

iloveit's picture

I agree...that's great that you went to counseling, I have started going as well and I find that it helps that someone else views things from my perspective so I don't feel like I'm creating this in my head. I haven't been able to make any strides as a result yet but I am focusing on getting my feelings out into the open and listening to the advice of my counselor before I say anything to my bf about his daughters.

I will tell you that I agree with your counselor on the idea that she WILL inevitably deal with issues as a woman when it comes to future relationships if her behavior continues. My bf has daughters in their 20's and they are still a tad too clingy for my comfort. He is careful and never touches them (nor does he care to) but my problem is exactly that. Those boundaries need to be set up with his 10 year old NOW, not in 5 years or 2 years because it will definitely cause social issues. Before too long other people will notice her behavior in public and question your bf and that will be even more uncomfortable for you by then as well. It would be really creepy to be out in public and see a 14 year old who has developed breasts and various other body transformations hanging all over this much older guy and find out it is her daddy. Gross.

I am glad she put this in perspective for you, I think it's good this is happening right now so that you know the warning signs and can help him on track with having a healthy relationship with his daughter.

jojo68's picture

Actually people already do notice it...couple people have actually said to my BF when she was texting him incessantly when we went to a party without her and said dude...she's more like your GF than your daughter!

LizzieA's picture

I'm glad for you jojo. Sometimes it really helps to see things clearly then you can proceed from there!

Regarding the over the top affection--I was at a dinner party recently and a 17 yo and her dad cuddled and hung out the whole time. Her mother (BM I think) hung around with the other adults, helped clean up. I swear he treated her like a 4 yo. It was a little weird. I wouldn't like it if it were me. Not that it seemed sexual but he was way too focused on his D to the exclusion of wife and rest of party.

jojo68's picture

I think some of it has to do with daddy's not being ready to let their daughter's grow up....especially if she is an only child

AlexandraL's picture

I am glad you went and feel better.

You, me, and most of the women on this site feel jealous, uncomfortable, resentful not because we're jealous, insecure bitches or have something wrong with us but rather because we are having a natural reaction to a dynamic that is inappropriate. The men we're with have a dynamic with their daughter that is really inappropriate for a father/daughter relationship and encompasses elements that should be reserved for an adult love relationship.

If a man is treating his daughter like a partner (spousifying her) rather than his child and is unable to set boundaries with her, of course you'd feel uncomfortable. I know how those things make you feel -- they make you feel like you're in a threesome because elements of his relationship with his daughter are things that should really be reserved for an adult relationship, not a parent-child relationship. You are NOT crazy, selfish, insecure -- you're reacting to some effed up dynamics! Any woman would!

When men treat their daughters as partners instead of daughters it is going to make any woman crazy. It undermines your relationship with him and creates jealousy when he treats you and his daughter as peers.

Anyway, isn't it a relief? I hope you found some peace in your visit with the counselor. It's not you honey...

ddakan's picture

Im glad you are getting counseling and sharing stuff with the rest of us. I appreciate your humility in accepting advice. Sometimes its hard to take when your feelings are all up in the air.

Good for you!!

I hate daddy guilt. I hate how stepmoms are second class citizens.

Teach bf how to treat you, what is acceptable, he'll come around in no time.

jojo68's picture

Wow...thank you all so much for your insight. It is really a relief to hear from a third party, someone on the outside looking in, that it isn't me that has the problem. Just from observation, I can see that BF is uncomfortable when his daughter does these things but he is afraid he'll hurt her feelings. She acts this way with her uncle too sometimes and with her older brother. It is really bad with her brother. They wrestle around and I have seen her actual sit on his face. He told her not to do that and she still continued to do it until he got up and told her to stop. When her father tells her to get off of him...she gets mad, storms off either outside or goes and sulks on the couch and won't talk to anyone. It is really crazy. Another thing that makes it hard is that because of her level of intellect it is really hard to get her to take you really can't carry on a conversation with her. So getting her to understand that what she is doing is not what she should be doing is going to be challenge.